VA N DY K E C H U R C H 1 70 3 0 L A K E S H O R E R OA D, LU T Z , F L 3 3 5 5 8
hope & help A Spiritual and Practical Guide for Those Who Are Experiencing Long Term Illness or Facing the Death of a Loved One 1
Facing the Death of a Loved One Cover Letter: There are certain seasons of life that can overwhelm you – moments when you’re not quite sure where to turn or what to do next. These can be very confusing and uncertain times. Perhaps no other seasons of life are so disorienting as when you are either facing the death of a loved one or grieving the death of a loved one. Waves of different feelings and emotions can crash over you: • • • • • • • • •
Fear Anger Relief Guilt Doubt Hope Stress Isolation And so much more…
During stormy seasons of life you need to know you can trust a God who knows how to calm storms and get you to the other side of the storm. Even in the face of doubt and despair, you can trust that Jesus still calms storms, just as he did 2,000 years ago on the Sea of Galilee. Jesus is present with you in the middle of your stormy season, and He will be your hope and salvation. One of the primary ways Jesus comes to you in the middle of your storm, is through other Christ-followers. That’s why you can be assured of two realities: • •
Jesus is present in your storm. Your church is present in your storm.
That’s what this guidebook is all about. The Care and Prayer Team of Van Dyke Church has created this helpful and healing resource for you as a trusted anchor in the storm. We simply want to help you take each step along with the way, knowing you are not alone. You are precious to God, and more than anything else, He wants to remind you, through this guidebook, and through your church, that you are loved, cared for and prayed for every step of the way. As you embark on this journey, I encourage you to pause, and say this prayer as a cry to your heavenly Father who loves you with an everlasting love. Trust him with everything you are feeling.
Dear Father, You know the burden of my heart, and the weariness of my soul. I cry out to you, needing to feel your embrace of love during this stormy season of my life. I trust you to guide me along the journey. I desperately need you in my life. During these days ahead I pray you will: • Bring peace in the middle of my chaos. • Show me hope in the face of despair. • Anchor my faith in a sea of doubt. • • Pour showers of wisdom on the dryness of my confusion. • Grant me strength when all I feel is weakness.
Thank you for your faithfulness and your steadfast love and devotion. Even when I waver and wander, I know you will be a steady rock and a sure and certain voice, speaking into my weary soul. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Your Van Dyke Church Care and Prayer Team, along with me, will be praying for you and interceding for you.
God Bless You, Pastor Matthew Hartsfield
table of contents
Section 1: Scripture Scriptures of Comfort and Hope | p. 5
Section 2: Supporting a Loved One Who is Ill Building Teams | p. 10 Helpful Resources | p. 12 Important Phone Numbers | p. 14 Estate Planning | p. 15
Section 3: Resources for When a Loved One Passes What to Do When a Loved One Dies Checklist | p. 18 Notifications | p. 29 Obituary Guidelines/Submitting an Obituary | p. 30 Van Dyke Role in the Event of a Death | p. 33 Families | p. 34 Ideas for Ways Others Can Help You | p. 35
Section 4: Grief Resources Words of Encouragement | p. 38 There is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve After a Loss | p. 39 Grief Journaling | p. 41 Grief Literature and Websites | p. 43 GriefShare | p. 46 Suncoast Kids Place | p. 47
Section 1: Scriptures of Comfort and Hope
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Scriptures of Comfort and Hope
M AT T H E W 1 1 : 2 8 - 3 0 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
PSALM 42: 5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.?
ISAIAH 43:1-3 “But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;”
PSALMS 23 “The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
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Scriptures of Comfort and Hope
PSALM 46: 1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
PSALM 62: 8 “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”
DEUTERONOMY 31: 8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
2 CORINTHIANS 1: 7 “And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.”
ISAIAH 40: 28-31 “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
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Scriptures of Comfort and Hope PSALM 25: 5 “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”
2 CORINTHIANS 4: 5-8 “For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;”
EPHESIANS 1: 18-20 “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,”
PSALM 33: 20 “We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.”
ROMANS 8:24-27 “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.”
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Scriptures of Comfort and Hope
PSALM 146:5 “Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD their God.”
ROMANS 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
PSALM 62: 5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”
ROMANS 5: 5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
JEREMIAH 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
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Section 2: Supporting a Loved One Who is Ill
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Building Teams You may be used to doing things on your own. However, during this time, building two teams to help with spiritual support, organization, planning, and emotional support is important.
Team 1: Your Loved One’s Team You have already started this team because you and your family are already on the team. Others who can assist you with big decisions or help with support may be: • • •
Pastor/care team Your small group or a trusted friend Social worker
As soon as you can, think through which exact people will form this team and write their names and phone numbers down in this diagram.
YOUR LOVED ONE’S TEAM
YOU
PASTOR/ CARE TEAM
YOUR FAMILY
YOUR LOVED
SOCIAL WORKER
ONES
SMALL GROUP/ FRIEND
Once this team has been built, decide how each member can assist during this time. Remember to use your team! You may be used to doing things on your own, so you will have to remind yourself that there are team members to help you.
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Team 2: A Team For You
Building Teams
It is helpful to create a team for yourself. The reason you need a team for yourself is because this can be a stressful time. You can make it easier for yourself by identifying other people who can help you. It is important for you to realize that YOU are a separate individual from your loved one and YOU will need the support of your own friends, family, and professionals. •
Taking care of yourself during this time is important and your doctor can help.
•
Talk to your pastor/care team about being on your team.
•
Ask a close friend to be on your team just to watch out for you. This has to be someone who you know you can rely on and who knows you well and can tell you when you need some help.
•
You might consider a counselor to talk to. They can provide support and guidance to you and help find ways to handle the stress and grief.
Now, think through which exact people will form this team and write their names and phone numbers down in this diagram.
YOUR TEAM
GOOD FRIEND
DOCTOR
YOU
PASTOR/ CARE TEAM
Adapted from: “Help Is Here: When Someone You Love Has Dementia” by Marian O. Hodges, MPH and Anne P. Hill, JD
COUNSELOR
You should set up this team for yourself now, before you think you need it. If you wait to set up your team until you think you need your teammates, you will not have the energy to find them! Communicate to your team members your needs and their roles. Remember to use your team! 11
Helpful Resources
Personal Website for Every Type of Health Journey to Share, Connect and Rally Support: CaringBridge, www.caringbridge.org
Home Care Providers: Griswold Home Care, Arthur & Frieda Moseley (813) 343-9272, 4917 Ehrlich Rd.#102 Tampa FL 33624 www.griswoldhomecare.com Achieve Home Care (813) 969-3700 11016 N. Dale Mabry Hwy, Suite 201/202 Tampa, Fl. 33618 Cares Home Healthcare, Kelly Chaffman (813) 304-2570 2529 W. Busch Boulevard, Suite 700 Tampa, Fl. 33618 LifePath Hospice (813) 877-2200 www.chaptershealth.org/services/hospice
Home Care Resources: Caregiver Action Network www.caregiveraction.org ALCA Florida Chapter www.alcaflorida.org National Alliance for Caregiving www.caregiving.org National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Manager www.aginglifecare.org National Hospice and Palliative Care Association www.caringinfo.org
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Helpful Resources
Information and Support: Web M D www.webmd.com American Cancer Society www.cancer.org American Heart Association www.heart.org American Society on Aging www.asaging.org American Alzheimer’s Association www.alz.org National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke www.ninds.nih.gov
Local Counselors & Agencies: Laurel Slade, Counseling Services, P.A., (813) 909-4463 Glenda Beach, L.M.F.T., P.A., (727) 787-0646 300 Scarlet Blvd. Oldsmar, Fl. 34677 Danielle Mercuri, (727) 897-5899, (Trauma and Suicide) www.thejourneyofhealing.org Life Connections Counseling Center, (813) 265-3859 www.lifeconnections.org
Crisis Center of Tampa Bay, (813) 234-1234 or 211 from an (813) area code www.crisiscenter.com Suncoast Kid’s Place, Deborah Brooks, MHC, CT, (813) 990-0216 (When kids are involved) 17030 Lakeshore Road Lutz, Fl. 33558 Office: (813) 990-0216 Email: mailto:
[email protected] www.atriskkids.org 13
Important Phone Numbers
NAME
You may find it helpful to have important phone numbers together in one place. Consider adding the phone numbers of family, doctors, home health care agencies, social workers, counselors, employer, helpful friends, church, police and anyone else that you feel would be helpful to have quick access to their phone number.
RELATIONSHIP
PHONE #
COMMENTS
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Advance Directives
Estate Planning
These consist of (1) a living will and (2) a medical (healthcare) power of attorney. •
Living will: Guides your family and healthcare team through the medical treatment you wish to receive if you are unable to communicate your wishes. It goes into effect when you are no longer able to make your own decisions.
•
Medical (healthcare) power of attorney: Allows you to select a person you trust to make decisions about your medical care if you are temporarily or permanently unable to communicate and make decisions for yourself. It is also known as a “healthcare proxy,” “appointment of healthcare agent,” or “durable power of attorney.” It goes into effect when your physician declares that you are unable to make your own medical decisions.
Helpful Websites: Understanding Advance Directives www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289 Guide to Florida Advance Care Directives www.caringinfo.org/files/public/ad/Florida.pdf
Will/Trust According to the website, ElderLawAnswers, “Everyone has heard the terms "will" and "trust," but not everyone knows the differences between the two. •
Both are useful estate planning devices that serve different purposes, and both can work together to create a complete estate plan.
•
One main difference between a will and a trust is that a will goes into effect only after you die, while a trust takes effect as soon as you create it.”
What is a Will? A will is a document that directs who will receive your property at your death and it appoints a legal representative to carry out your wishes. A will covers any property that is only in your name when you die. It does not cover property held in joint tenancy or in a trust. A will passes through probate. That means a court oversees the administration of the will and ensures the will is valid and the property gets distributed the way the deceased wanted.
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Estate Planning
What is a Trust? A trust can be used to begin distributing property before death, at death or afterwards. A trust is a legal arrangement through which one person (or an institution, such as a bank or law firm), called a "trustee", holds legal title to property for another person, called a "beneficiary." A trust covers only property that has been transferred to the trust. In order for property to be included in a trust, it must be put in the name of the trust. A trust passes outside of probate, so a court does not need to oversee the process, which can save time and money. Unlike a will, which becomes part of the public record, a trust can remain private. Helpful Websites: www.elderlawanswers.com www.americanbar.org/estate
Funeral Arrangements Many people prefer to make their own funeral and burial plans. They may want to make these decisions in advance to help ease the burden on loved ones both emotionally and financially. Helpful Websites with Planning Forms: www.caringinfo.org/Leaving_a_Legacy.pdf www.caregiverslibrary.org/funeralplanningform.pdf
Steps for Settling an Estate Helpful Website: USAA Foundation usaaef.org/publications-media/publications “Personal Finance: when a loved one dies: legal and financial concerns”
Financial Planners and Estate Attorneys Care Ministry at Van Dyke Church can provide a list of financial planners and estate attorneys. Please call the Care Ministry office at (813) 514-9426.
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Section 3: Resources for When a Loved One Passes
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Immediately
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Pronouncement of death: Florida requires a qualified medical professional to be notified and to make the official pronouncement of death. Hospital staff will handle this for you if death occurs in a hospital. If the death occurs at home and Hospice is involved, the Hospice nurse and staff will handle all official calls. If there is no Hospice involvement, then it will be necessary to call 911. Both paramedics and police will probably respond. You should: •
unlock the door;
•
if there is one, have any out-of-hospital-do-notresuscitate document in hand;
•
provide CPR if appropriate and there is no DNR document; andawait further instructions from emergency medical and law enforcement personnel. Don’t move the body unless you have medical and law enforcement permission. Locate any estate planning documents (Wills, Trusts, etc.): Review them for possible instructions about their last wishes (disposal of the body, use of vital organs, and pre-arranged cremation services or funeral home services). Arrangements for the deceased person’s body: Arrangement options may include:
•
according to the Medical Examiner’s instructions
•
according to the instructions from a hospital if the body or organs are donated
•
by the mortuary chosen for the funeral (Note: Federal law requires price information to be given over the phone.)
•
by the crematory if you are going to cremate the body (Note: Federal law requires price information to be given over the phone.) Children and pets: Make arrangements for the temporary care of all minor children and pets. Alert immediate family members Contact Van Dyke: Call the Care Ministry Office at (813) 514-9426. Your call will be returned within 24 hours. If employed, contact the deceased’s employer 18
Secure the deceased’s residence and vehicles: Remove valuables and take steps to make sure the home appears to be occupied.
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
One to Three Days Arrange a family meeting with Van Dyke Care team and hold the meeting: Call Van Dyke Care Ministry Office at (813) 514-9426. Notify family and friends: Ask them to help you with some tasks, including notification of other family and friends. Locate your loved one’s important documents: Will Birth Certificate Social Security Card Marriage License
Military discharge papers (DD-214) Deed to burial property Copy of funeral prearrangements Life insurance policies Safe Deposit location and key to the box Safe Deposit Box: Any person whose name is also on the box may enter it at any time. An agent under power of attorney does not have authority to enter the box because the agency relationship ends at the deceased’s death. An heir or beneficiary named in a will can ask the bank to enter the box to search for the will, a deed to a burial plot or burial instructions. A representative of the bank will open the box in the presence of the heir or beneficiary and remove any will that is found. The bank will retain possession of the will and forward it to the court. After the will is filed in court, the personal representative named in the will can petition the court to appoint her or him. Hillsborough County Clerk of the Circuit Court www.hillsclerk.com/publicweb/content.aspx?id=3778 Cancel newspaper delivery subscriptions (If applicable) Compile the following information that you will need in order to finalize the death certificate (make sure you request a minimum of 10-15 copies): Deceased’s first, middle, and last name
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What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Deceased’s Maiden Name (if applicable) Deceased’s Home Address Deceased’s Social Security Number Deceased’s Date of Birth Deceased’s Age Deceased’s Gender Race/Ethnicity Marital Status Spouse’s first and last name Deceased’s highest level of education attained Deceased’s Occupation Deceased’s Place of Birth (City and State) Deceased’s Father’s Name Birth City and State Deceased’s Mother’s Name Birth City and State If your loved one was a veteran Entered Service Date Entered Service Place Service Number Separated from Service Date Grade, Rank or Rating Organization and Branch of Service Secure the decedent’s tangible property: •
Personal Property: Such as vehicles, boats, collectibles, credit cards, silverware, dishes, furniture, tools or artwork.
•
Real Property: If there is a property that is unoccupied, steps should be taken to ensure its security, maintenance and insurance coverage.
Ensure that proper Cremation/Funeral/Burial arrangements are made •
Review deceased’s wishes and if any of the costs have been prepaid. Check with the cemetery to see if the deceased had a prepaid plot and/or burial insurance.
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What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
•
•
•
Review your options for places for the “Celebration of Life” service. Consider holding your “Celebration of Life” service at Van Dyke Church. Services at a funeral home can be expensive. If a funeral home is selected, make sure the funeral home is very specific about what is covered and includes all costs. Arrangements with the funeral home can be made to include transfer to and from another site for a service and for burial. Review the decedent’s financial records to see if anyone has the right to withdraw funds for their funeral in advance of probate. Veterans, service members, and spouse or dependent child can be buried in a national cemetery for lower costs than a private cemetery. If buried elsewhere, veterans who at the time of death were entitled to receive VA disability payments can receive an allowance toward burial and funeral expenses. This allowance may be greater if the death was related to military service or if it occurred in a Veterans Affairs (VA) hospital. Other benefits may include a ceremonial American flag, a headstone, and presidential memorial certificate. You can contact Veteran Affairs at 1-800-827-1000.
Set up a notebook: Assign someone to make sure to keep record of everyone who sends food, donations, flowers and cards. You will want this information later to write thank you notes. Tell friends and family what the “Celebration of Life” service plans are: Ask them to help you contact people. Arrange the disposal of any perishables left in the decedent’s home: Remove refrigerated items and existing refuse. Gather information: Collect pictures and stories about your loved one. Obituary. Although not required, it is a good idea to publish an obituary. Include a charitable organization for donations if that is preferred over flowers or other memorial donations. When published, it serves as a notice to creditors. Creditors typically have 18 months to make a claim but typically only 4 months if a notice to creditors is published. 21
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Alert the executor of your loved one’s will: When the signed original will is found, you must file it within ten days with the Probate/District Court in the county where the decedent domiciled at the time of the decedent’s death. Arrange for someone to stay at the decedent’s home during the “Celebration of Life” service Notify your attorney regarding the probate of the estate Alert the Post Office to forward the decedent’s mail (if necessary) Turn any bills set for “auto-pay” from the deceased’s checking account Social Media/Website/Email: If you have access to your loved one’s Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, or other social media accounts, website or email services, consider possibly assigning someone to manage these. If the deceased served in the U. S. Military: Check the website www.USMilitary.about.com and search for information on Military Honors available at burial such as a U.S. flag and Military Representative
Transition After the Celebration of Life Service Consider scheduling an appointment with a counselor for grief support. (See the list of counselors in the Grief Resources section) Consider joining the next GriefShare program at Van Dyke: It is a thirteen week program that incorporates a video, small group discussion and a workbook with daily exercises for grief support and to offer hope and encouragement. Write thank you notes for flowers, gifts, cards, donations, food, and kindness. Locate the decedent’s legal and financial papers: Look for information or a document the deceased may have created that identifies where important documents and other assets are located. Inventory the Estate And Documentation: Consider purchasing a plastic filing box from your local office supply store along with some hanging folders. Drop the documents you find into the folders according to their classification. You may find relevant documents in odd places and it is important to gather them all into one place. Don’t worry about putting the papers in perfect order. Your lawyer will have experience in organizing and understanding complex financial statements. 22
Some of the documents you will need, if applicable, include:
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
•
Wills, trusts, powers of attorney, guardianship or conservator documents, court orders, nuptial agreements • funeral and burial plans • the decedent’s Social Security number and card. • Veterans Affairs card and identification number, if applicable •
income tax returns for several years
•
property tax records
•
marriage, birth and death certificates
•
divorce papers
•
military records and discharge papers
•
digital information, including computer bookkeeping records
•
bankruptcy filings
• partnership or corporate agreements Assets: •
cash, including coin collections
•
list of collectibles, including art, jewelry,
•
safe deposit rental agreement and keys. (NOTE: the bank may seal the box upon notification of death.) credit union accounts (NOTE: many credit unions offer life insurance yet do not forward actual policies)
•
•
Insurance policies, including life insurance policies or statements, health insurance, homeowners or renters insurance
•
annuities
•
brokerage account statements
•
pension, IRA, retirement statements
•
savings bonds
•
certificates of deposit 23
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
•
bank statements, checkbooks and check registers
•
notes receivable and payable
•
list and value of motor vehicle(s) including title(s)
•
deeds, deeds of trust, mortgages and title policies
•
leases
•
stock and bond certificates and account statements
•
financial statements, including those from banks, brokerage houses, and insurance agencies
•
other financial documents, including tax forms from prior years
•
household inventory
•
accrued wages, unpaid vacation and sick pay
•
retirement plans, including 401(k)s, IRAs, 403(b), even though a beneficiary is named
•
benefits, including social security and VA benefits
•
property in another state or country
•
anything in a safe deposit box
•
health savings account
•
notes receivable
•
royalties
•
mileage points or cash back accounts
Liabilities:
•
unpaid bills including credit cards, student loans, medical bills, utility bills, and mortgage payments
•
lawsuits filed or claims made
• •
child support alimony
•
mortgages
•
car loans
•
notes payable 24
Gifts:
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
•
documentation of any gifts made in the last two years
•
gift tax returns, if any. You may need an appraiser to complete an appraisal regarding the value of personal and real property. You may also need an accountant to prepare the estate’s accounting.
Meet with an attorney: It is important to involve a qualified attorney about probate. Documentation: Keep track of all income and expenses. Contact a trusted financial planner: Review the past six months of spending to develop your monthly spending plan (Budget). They can help you to collect your survivor’s benefits and look at your investments. Meet with an accountant to discuss estate taxes Death Certificates: The most common and quickest way to obtain death certificates is through the funeral director. The cost is usually higher for the first death certificate. Additional certificates can be obtained at a lower price. In order to know how many to order, you should estimate the number of different assets held by the deceased or institutions that will require a death certificate. Check them for accuracy as soon as you receive them. Request at least ten to fifteen certificates. File claims with life insurance companies Contact the decedent’s employer to learn of 401(k), pension, or company benefits that the decedent may be entitled to. Contact the Social Security Administration and other government agencies: Inquire about payments made to decedent or if you are eligible for new benefits. Be prepared that they might reverse last payment. Contact Veterans Affairs: to stop monthly check and learn of benefits Notify the Registrar of Voters File any outstanding claims for health insurance or Medicare Obtain copies of the decedent’s outstanding bills Contact all three credit reporting agencies: Obtain a credit report and notify them of decedent’s passing. 25
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Notify the Department of Motor Vehicles: Cancel deceased’s drivers license and to transfer title of all registered vehicles. Cancel deceased’s prescriptions Contact utility companies: to alter or discontinue service Advise all creditors in writing that a death has occurred. Organize and distribute decedent’s belongings. Remove the decedent from marketing and mailing lists. Consider working with a financial advisor and life coach: Establish new goals for your future, which will determine the choices you make in other areas.
Change ownership of assets and lines of credit: Work with legal counsel and your financial advisor to determine what the will directs and the best way to change the registration of the deceased’s investment holdings, the car title and real estate titles to your name. Update beneficiaries on your life insurance policies, if necessary Begin your own estate planning: Start compiling all of the necessary documents into one place and make a list of your final wishes.
Create a Directive to Physician and healthcare proxy: Make your medical treatment wishes known.
Consider how to honor your loved one: Think about how you want to incorporate his or her memory into your own life going forward. If your loved one supported a particular charity, you may wish to continue donating to the same organization.
Helpful Websites: www.garycjohnsonlaw.com/Documents/What To Do When Someone Dies.pdf slutzkylawfirm.com/survivors-financial-checklist.html
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Funeral Homes, Cremation, Cemetery, Mausoleum
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Trinity Memorial Gardens, Lew Bravo-Van Dyke Church Member, (727) 376-7824 12609 Memorial Drive Trinity, Fl. 34655 www.trinitymemorial.com Blount Curry, (813) 237-3336 3207 W. Bearss Ave. Tampa, Fl. 33618 www.dignitymemorial.com/blount-curry-carrollwood Cremations of Greater Tampa Bay, T.J. Cohen, (813) 235-0945 www.cremationstampabay.com
Medical Examiner Hillsborough County Medical Examiner Department, (813) 914-4567 1025 46th Street North Tampa, Fl. 33617 Fax: (813) 914-4596 www.hillsboroughcounty.org
Credit Reporting Agencies Experian P.O. Box 9701 Allen, Texas 75013 888-397-3742 www.experian.com Equifax P.O. Box 105069 Atlanta, Georgia 30348 800-525-6285 www.equifax.com Trans Union P.O. Box 6790 Fullerton, CA 92834 800-680-7289 www.transunion.com
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Government Agencies
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: A Survivor’s Checklist
Social Security Administration www.ssa.gov 800-772-1213 Veteran’s Administration - Benefits (if decedent was formerly in the military) www.vba. va.gov 800-827-1000 Defense Finance and Accounting Service (military service retiree receiving benefits) www.dfas.mil 800-269-5170 Office of Personnel Management (if decedent is a retired or former federal civil service employee)
www.opm.gov 888-767-6738 U.S. Bureau of Citizenship & Immigration Service (if decedent was not a U.S. Citizen) www.uscis.gov 800-375-5283 Florida Department of Motor Vehicles (if decedent had a driver’s license or state ID) www.flhsmv.gov/offices/hillsborough (call the local branch office) National Do Not Call Registry: www.donotcall.gov Do Not Contact List: Direct Marketing Association www.imsdm.com/cgi/ddnc
List adapted from: http://www.garycjohnsonlaw.com/Documents/What To Do When Someone Dies.pdf and http://slutzkylawfirm. com/survivors-financial-checklist.html
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Notifications
Receiving word of someone’s death is very difficult. Informing others can be more difficult as you repeat the news over and over. You might want to consider involving someone else to assist you with this task. Consider contacting police (if death occurs at home), family, friends, church, employer, financial institutions, Social Security Administration, IRS, professional and social clubs/organizations, and Dept. of Veteran’s Affairs (if applicable).
NAME
RELATIONSHIP
PHONE#
CONTACTED (Y OR N)
COMMENTS
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Obituary Guidelines
Funeral directors usually help with writing an obituary notice. It maybe helpful for the family to write this together so no one feels left out. The following list might be helpful in writing the notice but not all information needs to be included. Use only the information that your family feels comfortable sharing. •
Full name of deceased (including maiden name or nickname):
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Dates and locations of birth, marriage, and death:
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Cause of death (optional):
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Predeceased loved ones:
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Surviving loved ones:
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Schools attended:
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Employment and position held:
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Military service:
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Club or organization memberships:
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Accomplishments:
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Hobbies:
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Memorial/Charity Requests:
Helpful website when writing an obituary: www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/guide-towriting-an-obituary
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Submitting an Obituary
Tampa Tribune Phone: (813) 259-7958 Email (Including Photos):
[email protected] Fax: (813) 259-7903 Website: www.tbo.com/static/obituaries/placeanobit Obituaries must be received by 2 p.m. to appear in print the following day. Free Obituary This obituary is seven lines/25 characters (including spaces and punctuation). It begins with the name of the deceased, followed by age, where he resided, date of death, survivors and the name of the funeral home. Obituaries cost $8.21 per line per day to publish in The Tampa Tribune. They offer a 50% discount for the second consecutive day run of obituaries publishing in Tampa Tribune, provided that the obituary is of the same or lesser value. Paid Obituary This obituary totals 32 lines. To determine its cost, subtract seven from the total lines (first seven lines are free for private parties and self service patrons) and multiply 25 lines by $8.21 for a total of $205.25. Obituaries may appear on TBO.com free-of-charge for 30 days. An online guestbook is also available for an additional charge of $25. Notices that include a web address incur a $20 fee. Photos and Emblems The only additional charge for photos is the extra space used. Photos generally add a minimum of nine lines to the obituary. If a photo is used, the obituary must be a minimum of 15 lines. Emblems and special characters can be added for $8.50 each Tampa Bay Times Phone: (727) 893-8518 Email:
[email protected] Fax: (727) 892-2922 Website: obits.tampabay.com/submit/ Deadline for families submitting an Obituary is 1:00 p.m. the day before the notice is to appear. Obituaries submitted by a family must be pre-paid. Free Obituary Minimum number of lines of text is five. First seven lines are free on the first day only, and notice should include the name, age, city & state, date of death and the name of the funeral home.
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Submitting an Obituary
Paid Obituary Additional lines (8 lines or more): $11 per line, Mon. - Sat., $12 per line Sunday. Additional days beyond the first day of the notice will be half price. Notices placed for additional days must contain the same text as the original notice. Legacy Online Guest Book $30 included with every paid obituary. The Tampa Bay Times will post every obituary that appears in the newspaper on our Web site, tampabay.com/obits, where it will remain for 30 days. Photos and Emblems Photos of the deceased and American flag, lodge, memorial and military emblems can be included in obituaries. Photographs: $50 per photo per day, and extends ad text 2 lines. Emblems & insignias are billed based on space used in the obituary and average 3-4 lines in depth. There are approximately 6 words or 31 characters per line, including space & punctuation. Acceptable abbreviations are limited to states and countries only.
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Notifying the Church
Van Dyke Role in the Event of a Death
Church members and active attendees should notify Van Dyke Church of the death of your loved one by calling the Care Ministry Office at 813-514-9426. Someone from our team will contact you within 24 hours of your call to begin the process of scheduling a family meeting.
Planning the “Celebration of Life” Service A “Celebration of Life” service for your loved one is offered here at Van Dyke Church. Our “Celebration of Life” service coordinator will insure that all necessary details are taken care of. These details will be discussed during the family meeting: •
Confirm date and time of service
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Confirm the Officiate
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Discuss visitation options
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Talk about sharing time
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Plan music
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Discuss details for video montage
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Plan memory table
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And more
The “Celebration of Life” service is held in the Chapel for attendance under 90 people or the Worship Center for 90+ people. Van Dyke Church partners with area funeral homes. In the event that you are utilizing the services of a funeral home, please know that their worship service space is limited. We will come alongside you to offer our space if needed.
Reception Option We have limited space for a reception and it is based on availability. It is the responsibility of the family to cover all of the details and expenses of the reception. You and your family will work directly with our Care Director on these details.
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Family members should give each other permission to set aside differences before and during the Celebration of Life service.
Families
Past Grievances •
“It is very common for past grievances to resurface during the difficult days following the death.
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Emotions are high, everyone is exhausted, and difficult decisions need to be made which makes for a volatile situation.
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When there are unresolved family dynamic issues below the surface it creates an even greater likelihood of a difficult and contentious period after the death of the parents.”
From, “Till Death (of Our Parents) Do Us Part” by Avidan Milevsky Ph.D. www.psychologytoday.com/blog So, be prepared for this to possibly be an intensely emotional time. It will require patience, understanding, and a willingness to communicate openly and truthfully with the rest of the family.
Family Harmony During this Time •
“The death of a loved one affects the entire family. Each member develops his or her own way of coping. Cultural differences, spiritual values, and family dynamics all influence a family’s reaction to such a loss.
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Being able to grieve together and support each other is essential in helping the entire family heal. While each person will experience the loss differently and may have different needs, it is important for family members to remain open and honest with each other.
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The loss of a family member means family roles will change. Your family will want to discuss the effects of this change and who will do what activities. This time of redefining roles can be stressful for everyone, so it is important to be gentle and patient with each other.”
From the American Cancer Society, “Coping With the Loss” www.cancer.org/coping-with-the-loss If you need help and support, consider talking to a professional counselor.
Helpful Articles “10 Tips to Help You Deal With Family Drama” By Frederick Hertz www.caring.com/articles “Caring for Elderly Relatives: How to Handle Family Conflicts” By Connie Matthiessen www.caring.com/articles/family 34
Ideas For Ways Others Can Help You
Friends want to help you and mean well in their attempt, but sometimes their efforts make things harder for you. It maybe helpful to assign some of these tasks so they can provide help that best meets your needs. People will not be offended if you tell them exactly how to help you. They will appreciate your clear instructions. Here are some ideas to consider.
Before and During the Service •
Notify the next-of-kin or friends on the notification list
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Notify church/others about the death, as directed by you
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Assist at home with answering the phone and the door
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Recording gifts of food and flowers in a journal
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Going with you to make final arrangements
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Ensuring that there are basics on hand (milk, bread, etc.)
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Coordinating meals for the family for before and after the service.
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Arranging transportation for family members and helping to getthem to and from the airport and service
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Helping get your home ready for guests
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Hosting guests from out of town
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Cancel/transform your loved one’s social-media accounts
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Assisting with children
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Assisting with pets
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Arrange for someone to stay at your home during events to ensure safety of the house
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Purchase supplies for a funeral memory board
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Help you to write a favorite memory about your loved one for the service
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Drive you or family to/from the funeral, interment site or as needed
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Transport leftover funeral flowers
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Pray with you and for the family
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Provide quiet, non-judgmental companionship (Listen)
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Ideas For Ways Others Can Help You
After the Service •
Clean your home/or hire someone to clean your house
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Wash your car/fill up your gas tank
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Cut the grass/ water plants
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Feed you pet(s) or take them for a walk.
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Clean out the refrigerator
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Buy groceries
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Do the laundry
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Drop-off/pick-up your dry cleaning
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Take-in your mail, packages and/or newspapers
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Pick-up a prescription/run another specific errand
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Babysit your child(ren)
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Drop-off/pick-up your child(ren) at school or other events
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Offer to cook dinner or bring a meal over
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Offer to house-sit while you are away, for security reasons
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Help fill out insurance forms and paperwork
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Drive/accompany you to a grief-support group
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Go for a walk or riding a bike with you
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Encourage you to record your feelings in a journal
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Suggest/plan helpful temporary "distractions" as needed, such as a movie, game night, dinner, etc.
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Phone/email you often, and for no reason
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Pray with you and for the family
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Provide quiet, non-judgmental companionship (Listen)
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Section 4: Grief Resources
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A Word of Encouragement
A N E XC E R P T F R O M “ G R I E V I N G W I T H H O P E ” “ You are grieving deeply because you loved deeply. But your grief does not have to dominate your life or cause you to become stuck in despair. Because of what Christ has done for you, you can grieve with joy. Because of what Christ will do for you, you can grieve with hope. You don’t have to wait until you are over your grief to have hope and joy-you can have them now! As you look at God’s promise of heaven, with no more tears and suffering, you can walk forward in the hopeful assurance that death is not the end for those who have trusted in Christ.
He will swallow up death forever. The sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces…. In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. “ (Isa. 25:8-9)
B Y : H . N O R M A N W R I G H T.
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Grief is…
There is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve After a Loss
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The normal response of sorrow and emotions, thoughts and behaviors that follow the loss of someone or something important to you
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A natural part of life
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A typical reaction to death, divorce, illness, job loss, a move away from family and friends or any life-changing experience
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Very personal-it is different for everyone-there is no right or wrong way to grieve
Grief reactions may include… •
Feeling empty and numb, as if you are in a state of shock
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Physical responses such as nausea, trouble breathing, crying, confusion, lack of energy, dry mouth, or changes in sleeping and eating patterns
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Anger-at a situation, a person or in general
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Guilt about what you did or did not do
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Withdrawal from family, friends and common activities
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Difficulty focusing, working or making decisions
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Questions about faith or spirituality; challenges to the meaning, value and purpose you find in life
Grief lasts… •
As long as it takes to adjust to the changes in your life after a loss
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For months, or even years. Grief has no timetable; thoughts, emotions, behaviors and other responses may come and go.
Experiencing Grief It is important to experience all of the thoughts and emotions that come up, as painful as they may be, and to treat yourself with patience and kindness.
Talk about your loss Take time to talk to family, friends or a counselor. You can also find support by joining a hospice or support group. Let them know you need to share memories and express your sadness.
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Forgive yourself
There is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve After a Loss
For everything you believe you should have said or done. Also, forgive yourself for emotions such as anger, guilt or embarrassment you may feel while grieving.
Eat well and exercise Grief is exhausting. It is important to maintain a balanced diet and rest. Exercise is also important to keep up your energy. Find a routine that you enjoy-clear your mind and refresh your body.
Indulge yourself Take naps, read a good book, listen to your favorite music, go to a ball game, rent a movie. Do something that is fun, distracting and that you find comforting.
Prepare for holidays and anniversaries Many people feel especially “blue” during these periods, and anniversary dates (of important family celebrations, a diagnosis, death) can be especially hard. Even when you have moved forward in your grief, these dates may bring back some painful feelings. Make plans to be with friends and family members with whom you feel comfortable. Plan activities that give you an opportunity to mark these important times.
How will I know when I’m finished grieving? After a loss, you may be overwhelmed by the grief reactions you are experiencing. In time, you will learn to adjust to living with your loss. Eventually, you will start to draw comfort rather than experience pain from the memories. In a sense, you are never “finished grieving.” With a loss, there will always be moments when you will remember the loss and you may experience moments when your grief is “triggered”.
There is no right way to grieve. It is an individual process. Life won’t be the same after a loss, but experiencing your grief will allow you to adjust to life after a loss.
*From “Caring Connections, a program of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization” www.caringinfo.org Helpline 800.658.8898
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Recording your thoughts in a grief journal can be very helpful when you are grieving the death of a loved one. A journal allows you a place to:
Grief Journaling
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Process your feelings and emotions and express them in a safe, non-judgmental place
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Keep stories and memories about your loved one
Both sharing your feelings with someone else and journaling will help you move through your grief in a healthy way. However, for many people writing is not something that comes naturally and do not know where to start.
Rules With journaling remember there are no rules, it’s your journal! If you need to scream and yell at someone (including God) this is a safe place to do it.
Confidentiality Most people do not share their journal with others. Make sure if you do share your journal that you have thought it through and it is safe to do. Also, think about how you will dispose of it when you are done if you do not want anyone to read it after you have died.
What to use • • • • •
Journals Composition books Spiral notebooks Computer Shutterfly Scrapbook (online)
Use whatever works for you. It is helpful to date your entries so you can look back and track your progress.
Ideas Share your feelings and emotions through words and pictures. Use photographs and describe a memory There may be days when the words do not come easily to you. Look through magazines and cut out pictures or words that mean something to you. It could be a current feeling or something that reminds you of your loved one. Add them in and explain why you chose it. From “Experiencing Grief” from H. Norman Wright, One man who lost his wife after thirty-five years made a decision to write down every thought or memory that came to his mind about his wife until he had accumulated a thousand of them He called this his collection of a thousand one-liners, which gave him a complete picture. 41
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Ask friends or relatives to share one of their favorite stories about your loved one. Record it in the journal.
Grief Journaling
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Use one of the prompts below and record your thoughts and feelings in your journal.
Prompts/Questions What are you thinking about today?
What is an emotion you are feeling as a result of your thoughts?
What inspired you today?
What is one of your favorite bible verses and why?
What is one of your favorite quotes and why?
What I miss most about you?
I wish I could see _______ because…
I wish I would have…
I wish I had done or not done …
What will I take forward with me by knowing you?
One of my favorite memories is…
What music, photographs bring to mind thoughts, feelings, memories?
What is something you are optimistic about?
Describe something that makes you feel peaceful.
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Books for Adults
Grief Literature
A Passage Through Grief- A Recovery Guide Barbara Baugardner Experiencing Grief H. Norman Wright Grieving with Hope Samuel J. Hodges IV/Kathy Leonard The Empty Chair Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge & Robert C. Devries Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope H. Norman Wright Unmapped Darkness-Finding God’s Path for Suffering Thomas Finch Good Grief Grander Westberg Jesus Calling (Daily Devotional) Sarah Young On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler The Will of God Leslie Weatherhead I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After Sudden Death of a Loved One Pamela Blair, Ph. D
Healing After Loss: A Daily Journal for Working Through Grief Martha Whitmore Hickman Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse Susan J. R.N. & Robert DeVries Life After the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning Dennis L. Apple Holding onto Hope Nancy Guthrie
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Grief Literature
Survivors of Suicide Rita Robinson “From Me to We” by: Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge R.N. Ed.D and Robert C. De Vries “Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance” by: Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub
Books For Children The Fall of Freddie the Leaf- A Story of Life for All Ages Leo Buscaglia Everett Anderson’s Goodbye Lucille Clifton Lifetimes- The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children Bryan Mellonie & Robert Ingpen It Must Hurt A Lot- A Child’s Book About Death and Learning and Growing Doris Sanford What Happens When We Die? Carolyne Nystrom Sargeant’s Heaven Icy France Someone You Love Earl Grollman
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Grief Websites
www.griefshare.org
www.grief.com
www.atriskkids.org/skp
www.usaaef.org
www.griefnet.org
www.webhealing.com
www.ekrfoundation.org
Journey Through Grief- Journaling with laments www.journey-through-grief.com/grief-journaling-with-laments
GriefShare - A six-week personal study www.griefshare.org/healing/study
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Grief Share
GriefShare is a13-week program offered at Van Dyke Church. It consists of a weekly video seminar featuring some of the nation’s foremost experts on grief recovery topics. Topics include: •
Is This Normal
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Guilt and Anger
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Challenges of Grief
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Complicating Factors
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The Journey of Grief
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Stuck
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Grief and Your Relationships
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Lessons of Grief
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Why?
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Heaven
Each seminar is combined with a small group discussion time to allow group participants to talk about the content of the seminar and about how they are dealing with the death of their loved one. In addition, there is a weekly workbook exercise that offers short daily questions, insights and Bible verses to help make a real difference in your recovery. Contact the Care Ministry Office for more information and to register for the next program.
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Suncoast Kid’s Place
The Suncoast Kid’s Place provides support for children, teens and their families following the death of a loved one through peer support groups, and education. Our goal is to offer support in a safe place where children, teens and families can share their experience as they move through their grief process.
About Us After extensive research, the internationally known Dougy Center of Portland, Oregon, was selected as the model for the Suncoast Kid’s Place. We are part of The Dougy Centers National Children’s Grief Network. Suncoast Kid’s Place is A Community Service of Van Dyke Church
Guiding Principles The Suncoast Kid’s Place is founded on the belief that every child deserves the opportunity to grieve in a supportive and understanding environment. However, our society fails to understand or support the needs of a child and family in grief. Based on these beliefs, the six principles of the Suncoast Kid’s Place are: •
Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one for children as well as adults
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Within each individual is the capacity to heal
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The duration and intensity of grief are unique for each individual
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Caring and acceptance assist in the healing process
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Play is children’s “work” and they work through grief best through support and play oriented activities.
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Grieving impacts individuals physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Suncoast Kid’s Place is committed to providing support for all of these components of the grief process. Contact us at: Suncoast Kids Place 17030 Lakeshore Rd Lutz, FL 33558 Office: 813.990.0216 Fax: 813.960.1091 Email:
[email protected] www.atriskkids.org 47
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