forgot something? - DOCECITY.COM

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FORGOT SOMETHING?

ON YOUR KNEES

Often the first sign of ageing is when you start forgetting things, but one shoplifter took this to extremes one day when trying to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket. The forty-five-year-old thief, who stole a large packet of meat from a shop in the southern town of Kerkade, had run swiftly to his car, even pushing out of his way a supermarket employee who had tried to stop him by throwing himself across the car’s bonnet. However, the light-fingered gentleman had made one serious error: he’d forgotten his twelve-year-old son back in the supermarket! Police later arrested the man – having reunited him with the boy.

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She responded, ‘OK.’ He said, ‘Will you marry me?’ She replied, ‘Yes,’ then asked what his second question was. He answered, ‘Will you help me up?’

TO EAT OR NOT TO EAT

• You think twice about placing an order if you have to allow six weeks for it to arrive.

The Nobel Prize-winning chemist Harold Urey (1893– 1981), who was renowned for his absentmindedness, was stopped in the street by a friend of his one sunny afternoon. After a brief chat, the men began to go their separate ways – until, that is, Urey turned round and asked: ‘John, which way was I walking when I met you?’ His friend pointed in the right direction. ‘Oh good,’ said Urey, ‘that means I’ve already had my lunch!’

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE PAST IT WHEN … (1)

• You know the difference between a gastroenterologist, oncologist and otolaryngologist. • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. • Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t. • You sing along to music in the lift.

• You know your doctor’s phone number, but you can’t remember your children’s. • Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

• A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.

• It takes longer to rest than it does to get tired.

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BOILING POINT

Even distinguished scientists like Sir Isaac Newton can be prone to lapses of memory, as the following story attests. One day, a kitchen maid in Sir Isaac’s house found the great man standing in front of a large pot of boiling water. He looked down at his hand, in which he was holding an egg, then glanced at the pot: at the bottom of which lay his watch.

You definitely know you’re past it when your husband acts like this … ‘As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too. My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment – until he said, from behind his newspaper, ‘Can you believe the price of bananas?’ So wrote Beatrice Roche in Reader’s Digest.

WHO IS THAT MAN?

QUESTION: How do you make four old ladies say ‘F**k’? ANSWER: Get a fifth old lady to shout ‘Bingo!’

For many years, Groucho Marx and the bestselling author Sidney Sheldon were close Hollywood friends and neighbours. In his eighties, Groucho was in the habit of popping round to visit Sheldon and his wife every afternoon for a little snack of an apple and a chunk of cheese. ‘It became such a ritual,’ Sheldon recalled, ‘that my wife and I looked forward to it every day.’ However, when the Sheldons decided to rent out their Hollywood mansion and move to Rome, confusion ensued. One morning, Sidney received a letter from his tenant saying: ‘We love the house, but there is one strange thing. Every afternoon, there is a little old man, aged between eighty-five and ninety, who knocks at our door and asks for some cheese and an apple. He’s too well dressed for a tramp. Can you tell us who he is?’ 8

BANANAS!

JAMES DUFFY AND FRED SWEENEY

There’s forgetful and then there’s really forgetful, as illustrated by the following anecdote. A famous vaudeville act by the name of Sweeney and Duffy were booked in at a theatre. During the show, though Sweeney was on stage, no one could find Duffy. Finally, the stage manager located the AWOL actor having a Turkish bath around the corner. ‘For God’s sake, Duffy, what are you doing here?’ the stage manager yelled. ‘You are on now!’ ‘I am?’ replied an unruffled Duffy. ‘How am I doing?’ 9

YOU KNOW YOU’RE PAST IT WHEN … (2)

• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes … and you’re barefoot. • Your doctor doesn’t give you X-rays anymore, he just holds you up to the light.

• You tell your friends you’re having an affair and they ask, ‘Are you having it catered?’

• You’re on the floor cleaning or playing with the kids and it’s just easier to crawl to the phone than to get up and walk there.

• A sexy babe catches your fancy – and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest to you. • Your other half says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Honey, I can’t do both!’

• You can’t tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.

• Your idea of weightlifting is standing up.

• An all-nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom.

NASTY WEAKNESS

Actor and comedian Stephen Fry was obviously less than pleased about the prospect of growing old when he once announced: ‘I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.’ 10

SIR JOHN GIELGUD

One evening, the inimitable Sir John Gielgud was in his dressing room, having just come off stage, when a man entered the room to congratulate him on his performance. ‘How pleased I am to meet you,’ exclaimed Sir John, who recognized the man’s face. ‘I used to know your son, we were at school together.’ ‘I don’t have a son,’ replied the man, somewhat crossly. ‘I was the one who was at school with you.’

TONGUE-TWISTERS

You know you’re past it when you start getting all your metters licked up and begin using incorrect words … much like Mrs Levi Zeiglerheiter did, according to Kenneth Rose in his book Superior Person, published in 1969. Apparently, Mrs Zeiglerheiter, who was the mother-in-law of the 1st Marquess Curzon, exclaimed upon arriving in New York after a stormy ocean crossing: ‘At last I am back on terracotta.’ Similarly, according to Nigel Rees in his excellent Cassell’s Dictionary of Anecdotes (1999), a certain law student, when asked what was necessary for a marriage to be rendered lawful in Scotland, replied: ‘For a marriage to be valid in Scotland, it is absolutely necessary that it should be consummated in the presence of two policemen.’ Then there’s the story about the dear old grandmother who, on hearing the Beatles’ song ‘Lucy in the 11

you know you’re past it when . . .

you know you’re past it when . . .

Sky with Diamonds’, thought they had sung that the girl with ‘kaleidoscope eyes’ was actually the girl with ‘colitis goes by’! Medical ailments were clearly on her mind. Finally, there is the tale, first told by Kenneth Williams in The Kenneth Williams Diaries (1993), about his aged mother, who announced one day, ‘Oh! They’re opening a lesbian restaurant there!’ Kenneth corrected her: ‘It’s Lebanese,’ but his mother then went on: ‘Yes … They’re all over the place now, aren’t they?’

WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. One day, a couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they’d retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the desk they’d once shared, on which Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally’. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up. Not sure what to do with it, they took it home with them. There, Sally counted the money – all fifty thousand pounds of it. Andy said instantly, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’ But Sally responded, ‘Finders keepers.’

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She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two policemen were canvassing the neighbourhood, looking for the money. They knocked on the door. ‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?’ they enquired. Sally said, ‘No.’ Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’ Sally snapped, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’ The cops turned to Andy and started to question him. One said: ‘Tell us the story from the beginning.’ So Andy gave a little cough, and began: ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . .’ The first policeman turned to his partner and said, ‘We’re outta here.’

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