Framing Your Marriage Part One Study Guide


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Framing Your Marriage Part One Study Guide By Mike Watson, Small Groups Pastor

There are few more controversial and heated topics with regard to how Christianity interacts with the world than what God has to say about marriage and how He designed it to exist. In our culture particularly, there is such great emphasis placed on individualism, personal autonomy and personal rights that the idea that wives should submit themselves to their husbands evokes a sense of indignant outrage in many cases. Frequently the conversation extends to a series of if/then negotiation statements regarding each spouse’s responsibility in the relationship. Interestingly enough, those responsibilities are assigned by one spouse to the other. Ultimately it devolves into a series of contingencies, with each spouse promising to do their God-allotted part when the other spouse does theirs. The problem with that approach is that God does not deal in contingency. As we opened the “Framed” message series and began to examine the core relationships in our lives, found and described in Ephesians 5:22 – 6:9, we plunged into the often inflammatory teaching in Paul’s letter that wives are to be subject to their husbands. Transparently, the irresponsible use of this particular passage of Scripture over the years has frequently been thrown in the face of wives to make them either feel as though they were second-class citizens in their marriages and powerless with regard to its direction or they were ultimately disobedient to God’s plan for their lives. It is not difficult to understand, then, why addressing the topic can frequently be equated to navigating a minefield. As we delve into conversation within our small groups around this topic, we will look at the instruction Peter gives in his first epistle. LEARN Peter wrote his first letter from Rome to a number of churches in Asia Minor for the purpose of encouraging them in the midst of persecution. Being a Christian in that context was not formally illegal. However, because the believers in those churches were formerly pagan Gentiles that participated in lifestyles of pagan worship, their newfound allegiance to and faith in Christ had caused them to suffer severe and sporadic mistreatment from their indigenous countrymen. They were discriminated against in business, landownership and other ways that made the living of daily life extremely difficult. Discouragement and feelings of weakness were natural results of such treatment. For that reason Peter writes to help breathe fresh hope and resolve into the lives of those believers by reminding them of their true home in heaven, not within the confines of the sinful world. Much like Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, Peter spends time discussing the response Christians are to have to those they are in the closest relationships with. However, in doing so, Peter focuses the bulk of his energies addressing those of which the most was required in terms of submission. Whereas he addresses wives for six verses, husbands only receive one verse of instruction from Peter. In the context of servants and masters, the masters are not even mentioned in Peter’s letter. Why is that so? It was primarily because Peter was focusing on the character of Christ within the believers as the power to demonstrate to the world the beauty and perseverance that the strength of Christ placed in the heart of every believer. Furthermore, because Christ’s earthly ministry was characterized by self-sacrificial love and serving others who did not deserve it (Philippians 2), Peter focuses his attention to those in the Christian communities that were the most able to replicate the attitude of Christ in the various relationships. His address to wives is found in 1 Peter 3:1 – 6. In the first two verses of his address to Christian wives, Peter gets to the heart of the matter with regard to how they are to respond to their husbands. “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” (1 Peter 3:1 – 2)

There are several crucial elements in these two verses that, quite honestly, could not be more counter-cultural. First of all, Peter does away with any acceptable source of contingency for faithfulness. Submission is a reflection of the Holy Spirit in the heart of the believing wife, not as a response to the leadership of a believing husband. In fact, Peter makes a case for the opposite instance. If the husband is not a believer at all or is resistant to the Word of God, his wife is the best possible witness for the character of Christ. Second, the behavior affirmed by Peter includes virtues that our culture does not place high value on — chastity and honor. The notion of purity and chastity are often viewed as antiquated and hopelessly out of touch with reality. Adding the showing of respect to one who may very well not deserve it to the list only complicates matters. Instead, our culture, regardless of gender, pushes us to increasing levels of immodesty and moral degradation for the sake of feeling empowered and domineering. Respect, logically, must then be earned through the same means. In 1 Peter 3:3 – 4, Peter continues to elaborate on the essence of the Christian wife. As a slight digression, that description is extremely important. This is instruction for Christian wives because the strength to be faithful to these instructions, both from Peter and Paul, exceeds the limitations of what is possible in the strength and perseverance of the flesh. Continuing, Peter addresses the appropriate source of beauty for the Christian wife. “Your adornment must not be merely external — braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” Again, there are several important details of Peter’s instruction that must be understood for the sake of accuracy. First, Peter does not say that wives should not be attractive, not have new clothes, not wear jewelry or anything of the like. What Peter does say is that such exterior adornment cannot and should not be the source of their beauty in full. Rather, the more important aspect of their beauty emanates from a heart that has been and continues to be conformed to the image of Christ by the work of the Holy Spirit. The short word for that is discipleship. The second thing that should be clarified is the object of the adjectives gentle and quiet. Peter does not say that Christian wives are to be doormats with no opinions that never say anything, but instead stay hidden in the background until spoken to. Certainly none of the women associated with Jesus’ ministry or Paul’s ministry fit that description. What Peter does advocate is the quality of a gentle and quiet spirit in the Christian wife. Indeed these qualities are to be evident in all believers, Peter simply states them here as the contrast to the women of the culture that dressed provocatively and relied on a boisterous, seductive persona for attention. Gentleness and a quiet spirit are indispensable traits of godly character. That is why they are precious in the sight of God. In 1 Peter 3:5 – 6, Peter offers an example for the revered history of God’s people in the attitude of Sarah toward Abraham. “For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” Peter is drawing the attention of the women in the Christian communities back to the models of the women that God had found faithful in His early history with His people. The most important descriptor for the women in these verses is that they “hoped in God.” What that phrase tells the reader is that these women did not submit to their husbands because their husbands were superior to them spiritually, intellectually, or any other way. (You may need to read that again … maybe slowly). Rather, the women submitted to their husbands because of their immense devotion to God, whom they trusted to provide, reward and watch over them in their obedience. As a specific example, Peter focuses on Sarah. The faith that Sarah demonstrated by submitting herself to Abraham’s leadership was incredible. She followed Abraham on a journey with God with no definite destination, leaving everything she knew. The portion where Peter refers to her calling him lord refers to Genesis 18:12, at which point they are discussing Sarah’s having the promised child, Isaac, at such a ridiculously old age. Even in that moment, she afforded dignity and respect to Abraham. Again, not because he was her king or superior in any way; but precisely because of her faith in God. Finally, Peter acknowledges the presence of possible fear for the wife who submits to her husband — particularly in the instance that the husband is an unbeliever. The reasons for that fear range from the fact that her husband is a fallen, imperfect being, to the fact that he can respond negatively to her submission to God exceeding her submission to her husband. In acknowledging the fear, however, Peter also points back to the biblical teaching that those in Christ are to fear no one, trusting God to deliver them.

LIVE Peter deals plainly and in depth with the requirements for Christian wives. In many circles, such instruction that is in keeping with the image of Christ will meet strong resistance. However, believing that all Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correction and training in righteousness, the living out of this particular passage of Scripture requires examination. For Christian wives, it is easy to read passages such as this and Ephesians 5:22 – 24 and feel overwhelmed or resentful at the level of submission that God requires, especially if their husband is either a non-believer or spiritually stagnant. Bear in mind that obedience and faithfulness is not possible in your own strength. Instead, obedience hinges upon the ongoing pursuit of an ever-deepening relationship with Christ. Reading the passage, it is clear the power and potential that a believing wife has to influence her husband and family. However, that potential is only recognized as the character and person of Christ becomes increasingly evident in the character of the Christian wife. Here are some questions to consider: 1. If you were going define what it means to submit in your own words, what would you say? 2. To what degree do you base your willingness to submit to your husband on his behavior toward you? 3. How have you seen the condition of your relationship with Christ and your ability to submit to your husband related? 4. How does God’s requirement for submission to your husband clash with the nature of your relationship with others? 5. Where do you see chastity, purity and respect challenged in your everyday surroundings? How do you observe them? For husbands, however, there is also application to be made. The frustrating thing about these passages for many wives is that they feel as though no demands whatsoever are placed on the husband and they get off scott-free, for lack of a better term. However, having digested this passage of Scripture, the husband is made aware of what God has called his wife to do. Being aware brings with it responsibility of stewardship. The question husbands must ask through personal examination is, knowing that God has called their wives to submit to them, what about their conduct, behavior and relationship with their wife serves as an obstacle toward his wife’s faithfulness? God’s word does not speak kindly of those that serve as barriers to faithfulness to God, so there is an element of responsibility in how they interact with their wives that make it more difficult than necessary for them to be obedient to the call God has placed on their wives’ lives. What is more, it bears consideration to think of how a husband can make his wife’s submission, not a burden to bear, but instead an act of loving devotion not only to God, but to her husband. Here are some questions to consider: 1. How does considering your ability to impact your wife’s submission change your view of these passages? 2. How would you define submission in your own words? 3. Who in your life do you give permission to hold you accountable for your behavior toward your wife and family? 4. How do you ward off a sense of entitlement when you read passages about how God expects your wife to respond to you? Application of the passage exists for everyone as Peter defines the character traits of Christ as He dealt with the world around Him in His earthly ministry. There is power for all believers who attain a quality of spirit that reflects that of Christ. Such a spirit of gentle peace and lack of anxiety screams the power and beauty of Christ in places where the spoken word is not wanted or needed. The cultivation of such a spirit, though, only happens in the diligent pursuit of intimacy with Christ. Here are some questions to consider: 1. In which of your relationships would your unspoken actions wield more impact that your spoken word? What are your actions currently saying in those situations? 2. In the description of godly character in this passage, which of the traits do you feel is your strongest? What growth steps led to its development? 3. How easily can you defend against anxiety in situation beyond your control? 4. What do chastity and respect mean to you? How do you demonstrate them?

LEAD Precisely because this passage speaks to wives of the power they have to influence their husbands, even through submission, when the presence of Christ is evident in them, we are made aware of the tremendous impact on our own spiritual leadership toward others with the same principle in mind. Below are some questions to help process that potential in our lives and how it can increase. 1. What is your initial reaction to Ephesians 5:22 – 24 and 1 Peter 3:1 – 6? Why? 2. To what level do you feel the power of a holy quiet and gentle spirit is evident in you? How have you seen growth in that area over recent years? Where would you like to grow the most in the coming year? 3. Which of your relationships do you think would benefit most from your leading with godly character and action instead of persuasive argument? How able do you think you would be to do that at this point? 4. Who are you helping to develop godly character? How are you doing that?