Learning the Lines between Blessing & Provoking Moment to

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Learning the Lines between Blessing & Provoking Moment to pray for our nation as we step forward in the leadership of our nation 1 Tim. 2:1 Prayer/Inter for all people, kings and all in high positions; Prayer of Dan. 2:20-22 Practical-Nerd Research (but valuable)-Practical Part 20 Book of Ephesians has been moving us: We will never be whole and complete (Shalom), unless you orient every corner of our lives around Jesus and define every corner of our lives by Jesus. Is Jesus just present in our life or is He leading our life? Is he prominent or are there are areas we still hold with greater value? Your family is often the people who have seen and know the real you (you’re most comfortable with them, they get the “raw” you – angry, in the most pain, at lowest, dirtiest point, at your highest moments. They know the you before you started forming an “image” or “identity” – they know when you didn’t have it all together). We are born into families at a certain place and time we did not choose and produce children whose character and ways we cannot fully determine. And yet in all these places the Lord uses us to shape one another. God designed the family to be the foundation and context in which lives are formed and values and purposes are patterned. They are places of instruction, protection, emotional formation. Sometimes this is positive, but not always perfect and often there can be negative, or painful formation. What Scripture says across the board is: These relationships cannot achieve their full purpose unless we all (parents and children, children and parents) learn to depend on Jesus Christ. None of these realms of husband-wife, children-parent, and slave-master are too far from Jesus and his transformative power. Parents rarely get pre-child counseling, let alone equipping on raising and navigating a child and teens life. Each church is left with opportunity: many churches tend to focus on the children’s ministry developing the children, the youth ministry the youth, and the main service the parents. But too rarely is the development for parents focused on how they influence and impact their family. 6:1-4 Children Obey your parents, for this is right… (what is of benefit to all in the community) Honor your parents… (Deut. 5:16 vs. Ex.) that it may go well with you, [Col. 3:20 this pleases the Lord] - Honor concerns an attitude towards the relationship - Paul adds: Obey for it concerns an action towards relationship And Paul’s theme: we are all equal in the aspect of honoring and obeying one another. All of us are near and dear to God. Parents (and I used to say this as a youth pastor) God cares more about your child than you do, and kids, God cares about your parents as much as you do. But these texts are important because they express to all of you Kids (and teens), you have a role in the social order, the Shalom peace and how you engage with your parents effects that. You are changing this world TOO! you are influencers and God cares about your role. v.4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

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Provoking to anger (do not make angry)1 a. In ANE/G-R, there was care and love but fathers culturally tended to have absolute control over their children even into adulthood, (and back then the parents could lay down the punishment in heavy ways2, father’s had more power over their sons than masters with slaves). How they practiced that control and power was important to the Lord. Sons would learn from their father’s example… i. Earlier Paul wrote: In your anger, do no sin (4:26) when talking about unity in the church. This involves family and not being angry in the wrong way. (learning to vent anger the right way) Hockey story ii. The irritation caused from nagging or demeaning in everyday life would lead to anger in kids who feel like they never can please their parents. 1. Pressuring our kids with expectations of what we want them to be, and not just what they want to be (good intentions), 2. Micromanaging behavior (we sometimes blur the line between right/wrong and personal preference) 3. Bringing them up in a performance base environment – love/attention is connected to the child living up to those standards. (I love you and will focus on you even when you don’t clean up your room, or get off the device) 4. This doesn't mean don't deny their desires and give in to all they want. It means don't cross their will for no good purpose. Don't deny their desires without making it a part of some great vision of God's purposes in the world. Explain the moral reason behind our instructions so its not an instruction for a moment. If we explain this, they can internalize the value and then make a similar wise choice in the future. a. If we don't see discipline as part of some great vision of what our children might become for God, we will wind up using discipline to increase our own private comfort. And children will see that and eventually become angry. 5. Richeys: Avoid legalism and understand the situational context. Rules are important, but they serve a larger heart training purpose. Without context and flexibility, rules can become a guilt-laden burden. As parents, it's just as important to exhibit fairness and flexibility as it is to be "right." 6. Even when we parent with all compassion, fairness and patience we can muster, we still do things that prompt our kids to snarl or retreat in angry silence. And then there’s the time we overly exert our control (and it feels justifiable) and causes fireworks. iii. Cliff - Getting down at their level to really hear them and have them express – why they are really angry, discovering and addressing their underlying pain/frustration/fear (anger is always the effect of a cause) b. Col.3:20 Adds Lest they become discouraged – Kids who lose heart get discouraged with themselves and it affects their motivation 1 Roger Cross, How we make our Kids Angry, IVP

2 Could sell into slavery 3x, scourge them, shame them or have them killed.

II.

i. Richeys – Why we need to Tell them that you love them and are for them whenever you can, and be their biggest encourager/cheerleader in the endeavors they pursue. Most kids desire their parent's affirmation more than just about anything. (positive) Bring them up - ἐκτρέφω (ektrepho) = maturing process a. Rearing/bringing up – Providing Guidance in a way that doesn’t make them resist correction or God’s ways. Taking time to show them how to do things and process things – Apprentice model. - (Paideia) Education/Training in connection with discipline of the Lord, not just about you discipling them for how they behave o Think Proverbs and it’s purpose…to help them understand and be warned about the effects of things in their lives. And in language they can follow. o Not human centered, merely about success in an economic world, nor lawcentered, but training in how to be Jesus centered. - (Nouthesia) Activity/process of teaching, with the verbal warning as needed. o Being less about what you are AGAINST, and more about what you are FOR. One of the best ways we can encourage (and not anger) our kids is to exchange some of our "No's" and "Don'ts" with words that describe what we want them to shoot FOR. o Gentlest sort of instruction in conduct, free from rebuke and characterized by timely suggestions rather than sharp commands. o Help them discover their gifts/talents and note their uniqueness b. Accept what you need yourself before you bring them up in it. Rely on the power of the Holy Spirit rather than your defaults from your background or comparison of others

Parents should care most for the loyalty of their children to Jesus than for their intellectual vigor, their social position, or their exemption from great sorrows and failures. [How we spend our time, their time, our resources reveals this] How this changes with adolescence – Transition between childhood and adulthood3 [When changing lanes on a freeway it is a time to be extra alert] Adolescens was used in the middle ages to refer to any pre-pubescent boy who decided to move away from the family farm to work independently in some guild or trade. Came from Pubertas – Rom term for when majority rights were received, contracts, wills, property, marriage. • Adolescence became the creation of modern industrialization from 1880-1920. Before then youth and adults would work side by side. o Originally this was with good intent, let us not torture kids by having them work in harsh conditions when they were young. (because the conditions were now much harsher with greater economic expectation) • Education for one and all became a practical necessity (Sundsy school’s role). In response to the new situation, the children who stayed in school beyond puberty were 3 Dr. Epstein's book, Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence.

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called adolescent and they were subsequently refashioned as older children. And that’s when parents tend to feel the “trouble” and challenges rise (11ish-19ish) Puberty instigating this transition – The point in the life cycle when one becomes physiologically capable of reproduction. A common parental concern is how they won’t know how to handle their children “when their hormones go crazy.” This raging hormone narrative defines the way adolescence is talked about.4

Adolescents came to be viewed in society at large as maturing children requiring special handling at home and at school (and in church). We have been living with the repercussions ever since. • In 1939, the term teenager appeared for the first time in a magazine article. That was the year after the Fair Labor Standards Act in the United States set the minimum age of fourteen for employment outside school hours. • In 1944, Seventeen Magazine began publication, indicating that adolescence had emerged as a social and economic force to be reckoned with. By the mid-50s, the adolescent population was a vital sector of the economy, at the same time that the behavior of teens was becoming increasingly more worrisome to parents and educators… • Prior to this time, your children need, rarely question, and ordinarily appreciate the physical protection and provision, the intelligent guidance, and the emotional warmth of parental care & leadership (this of course varies from family to family). But entering this “youth phase”, needs are now present which these old strengths are not adequate enough to engage. (emotions center-their highs and lows get much more extreme, their connection with hurts is much more pointed, and they become very passionate or apathetic about the things they believe in) - Doing more vehemently the same things you have always done does not exactly improve the situation or family life. - We need new ways of Sharing strength (practicing authority with an emerging adult) and new ways of communication. Shifting Love Languages: Defining Maturity – Who teens are, and who adults think that they should be, is in constant tension. When does someone become an adult and is ready? How long does a parent rear a child after they have been weaned? “Wait till you become an adult at 18” Biologically/Sexually, Mentally, Emotionally, Socially We have geared it around responsibility and economic capability - so its beginning at puberty and ending with the assuming of full responsibilities or even economic independence. That is our culture, it’s how nearly all of us here have experienced it. Some say that adolescence begins at puberty in biology and ends in culture. Epstein points out and asks us, “Why are students less and less mature?” To that question I offer something to chew on, Maybe because we’ve made them that way? And maybe we like it that way? 4 15 years of research into the nature of this important developmental period is that Hormones don’t rage; they rise. And yes, these rising hormones influence brain development and behavior. But the major shifts appear to be much more about brain remodeling than about chemicals released. It's becoming clear that the remodeling of the brain can be shaped by an adolescent’s mind – what he or she does with attention, awareness and intention.

The main need a teenager has is to become productive and independent. After puberty, if we pretend our teens are still children, we will be unable to meet their most fundamental needs, and we will cause some teens great distress. (p. 22) • More I could say on the rising suicide, depression, substance abuse, lawless behavior/arrests, prescription drugs, sexually active . But Epstein’s book can tell you all that. Let’s return back to bringing them up in discipline and instruction: Youth aren’t primarily battling parental restrictions and boundaries…instead many have been abandoned by their role models – they no longer have critical markers for what it means to be growing and developing into holistic adults. (it’s almost too fluid) Youth today are seeking sources to bring meaning to their lives – they are resourcing themselves from pop culture and it is exceptionally challenging to posit a biblical or Christian source into that as a full authority. (it may be one authority to them but not the highest authority) Remember Paul talking about discipline/instruction that can bless and mature? That’s so essential, yet our challenge: • Systems set in motion a century ago have caused us to isolate teens from adults and to treat young people as if they are equally and inherently irresponsible and incompetent. • Cultural practices began to isolate teens from adults, imposing on them an increasingly large set of restrictions and artificially extending childhood well past puberty. • So parenting and even governmental law shifted on the discipline and instruction side of things to curb or control teen behavior (when what was happening is deeper rooted) teens appear to be subjected to about 2x as many restrictions as are prisoners and soldiers and to more than 10x as many restrictions as are everyday adults. (infantilization of teens survey https://howadultareyou.com; HowInfantilizedAreYou.com) o Teens are almost completely isolated from adults, trapped in the vacuous, media-controlled world of “teen culture,” learning almost everything they know from one another, peers, “the last people on earth from whom they should be learning,” o Teens typically spend more than 35 hours per week surrounded by their peers in school and an additional 35 hours per week with peers outside of school. That’s 2/3 of their waking hours. This is, according to these researchers, 12 more hours per week than teens in other industrialized nations such as Italy or South Korea spend together, and it is probably 60 hours a week more than teens spend together in many pre-industrial societies. (p. 93). We, along with this Culture of Adolescence that is amplified by entertainment, marketing and judicial boundaries, have inadvertently placed teens into an environment with greater opportunity and wonder, that has left them more stressed, more anxious, more isolated and feeling foreign and empty.

Paul saw it, specialists today see it, God knows it: Young people need healthy ________

presence in their lives Youth requires the stability and wisdom of older generations and institutions. Try to treat your teens as what they really are: young adults with everything but experience--which you must now [exert] yourself to provide. Consider this as the final stage of apprenticeship in growing up, the first stage of real adulthood. Do not treat them as large children. Remember that young people tend to come up to our expectations or down to them. Comfortable to invite other adults to influence our kids, and comfortably passing them on. • Where are points where we don’t expect teens to take responsibilities for their lives? • Where are points in where you take away students ability to own their faith? Telling them how to do faith vs letting them experience faith? • What are ways we are holding teens back from healthy adult behavior? •

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Pushing them into dialogue – Hot Tub talks

Teens need to be judged, loved and parented o (a) as individuals, not as a group, We need to recognize that the personality and temperament of each child is different. We can't parent every child exactly the same way. Nuances of training and discipline must vary to reach each one. o (b) based on their competencies, not on their age, o (c) based on their potential for learning and growth, not merely on their current characteristics, and o (d) without disparaging labels such as “adolescent,” “kids” etc which imply limits or flaws. (p. 16)

The lines between provoking and blessing are super confusing. It takes time, it takes work and so many of us feel ill equipped for this. • It was common and still is to speak a blessing over your kids. To lay hands on their head. Barukh (eulogein) – bless, to be blessed has to do with someone the speaker feels himself intimately connected to, someone they want to show good will. A blessing is a promise to those addressed. • Blessing is not another exchange, a tit for tat. They do this, you do that. Blessing is a grace, the gift of free favor. That because you think of your children in favorable terms, with an intention of love, you bless. It is undeserved and they have nothing about them that justifies them to receive that favor, and that is the wonder and great news of Jesus Christ. All that you and we can get ready in your teens is just to makes sure everything ready to go. But the only thing that can propel the ship forward is the wind. The Spirit effecting the change in them. Spirit in both Hebrew & Greek is the word for breath/wind & He is the moving power that leaves the effect. He turns the light on when they are in the dark, he is the inward conviction that challenges them in their actions/behavior who inspires them to worship, He is working 24-7 on them (whereas we have to work on ourselves, them, our other kids, etc.) I think myself, other youth leaders & many parents struggle because we try to set up so many things and want to see movement in their lives & really we have to do all of that precious work (not abandon it) and yet never fail to call upon the Spirit to put life & wind into their sails.