Lecture 1 The Decision to Be Responsible

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THE DECISION TO BE RESPONSIBLE Good morning. I’m glad you’re here. Welcome first-timers. To begin Quest this session, I’d like to quote a respected source regarding life, happiness and manhood. The oracle we’re consulting? Led Zeppelin. The song: Good Times Bad Times. I could quote it for you or we could listen to it. Which do you prefer? Doesn’t matter what you prefer, we’re going to listen to it. Clip: Led Zeppelin Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca3jyxOkqZY In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man Now I've reached that age I've tried to do all those things the best I can No matter how I try I find my way into the same old jam. In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man. So were you. Maybe someone sat you down and said “this is what a man is and this is what a man does.”

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Maybe it was the example your father set – strong and honorable or self-absorbed and emotionally absent. Maybe it was older boys you looked up to. Or it could have been the thousands of different images and messages conveyed to you by our culture through movies, magazines, television shows, billboards and commercials. But in the days of your youth you were told what it means to be a man. And what you were told lives within you, still shaping what you value, the goals you set, how you treat women, the role of spirituality in your life and who you think you need to be if you are to become deserving of happiness and worthy of respect. Who told you what it means to be a man? And what you were told – was it true, was it right, was it noble? Was it something that imparted strength and life into your soul? Or was it something that crippled you and misguided you so that no matter how you try you find yourself in the same old jam? We are told by many voices in our culture that men are the problem. Men are the cause of wars and violence and abuse. And the message we’re given is that the world would be better off without us. As a matter of fact if a man decides he doesn’t want to be a man any more, the world applauds. They say “what a bold choice.”

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And he’s given the Arthur Ashe Courage Award – +the same award that was given to Jim Valvano, Pat Tillman and Nelson Mandela. I will grant you this. The world doesn’t need any more men who confuse being a man with being a bully. The world doesn’t need any more men who use their strength to intimidate women, coerce their subordinates at work or demean other men they view as weaker than themselves. But the world does need men. Real men. And when real men aren’t around, things go bad and people cry out for their help. Here’s a short video illustrating what I’m trying to get across. https://youtu.be/49Ozhosn0Yk

Ok, that doesn’t really illustrate anything, but I needed a video to break things up a bit. The world needs men. The world need men who are servant warriors, who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others and for causes that matter. The world does need men who are protectors and providers, leaders and lovers, mentors and teachers, The word needs men who are husbands and fathers and friends and brothers.

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The problem is not that the world has too many men. The problem is we have a bunch of posers, pretending to be men, but inside are still sixteen years old, never having grown up emotionally or spiritually. And that’s understandable. Many of us never had a mentor who taught us about character or the purpose of masculine strength or the beauty of denying ourselves so we can serve others. What makes you a man? Do you become a man when you shoot your first deer, drink your first beer, get your first car, or bed your first woman? Do you become a man when you get married or have a child? I’m sure we all know guys who have done all those things but are still nothing more than children. What determines whether you are a man? The decisions you make. The decisions you act on. The decisions you live by. The decisions you make about what’s most important – they determine if you become a man or whether you remain a boy as long as you live. Many of you are familiar with James Allen’s famous line. James Allen: You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.

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It’s a good line. But it’s not exactly true. That’s because your thoughts don’t take you anywhere. Your thoughts show you where you can go, but they don’t take you there. For good or for ill, it’s your decisions that determine the course of your life. A better line is: You are today where your decisions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your decisions take you. Everyone who has taken a shower has had a brilliant thought. Everyone who has taken a nap has dreamed a dream. Everyone who has taken a walk has envisioned a better life. But it is the man who has decided to act on his thoughts, work on his dreams and turn his visions into reality – that’s the man who has changed his life and the lives of others. Thoughts may inspire you. But it’s the decisions you make that make you. We don’t become men by thinking, dreaming or envisioning manhood. All of those are important. But at some point we must decide to act and do difficult to be called men. To stop being a child in how we think and act – to become a man, the kind of man that other men respect, requires that we make deliberate decisions and difficult choices about who we are and how we live – that’s no small matter.

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Look at what the Apostle Paul wrote. 1 Corinthians 13.11: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things. All of us first experienced life as an infant and then as a child. Our thinking, our feelings, our reactions, they were all childish and rightfully so. But to grow up, and become a man emotionally and spiritually, we have to, as Paul wrote, put away our childish thinking and behaviors. The Greek verb (katargeo) translated here as “to put away” means “to free a person from a binding power.” It is a deliberate and powerful verb. And putting it into practice, putting away the attitudes, actions, values and choices that bind us to a childish way of living so we actually grow into men as we grow in age – that process requires good decisions and great effort. It’s not hard to stay immature. It’s not difficult to remain self-centered. It’s not tough to focus my life on my physical pleasures and my material advancement. But change – when you’re making good money and you get called “sir” at work; when your kids don’t hate you and your wife can tolerate you – deciding that you need to change that’s not easy and it’s not something we usually do.

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In this session of Quest we are going to look at the hard decisions that make a man. Decisions that will make us or break us. And the most important decision, and the right place to begin is this. We must decide to be responsible for ourselves. It’s not size or age that separates boys from men. It is responsibility – refusing to blame our mistakes, our unhappiness, our anger, our character defects, our failures, or our lack of success on our past, our bad luck, our wives, our co-workers, our lack of opportunity, our physical condition or the economy. It’s saying to ourselves: I am where I am today because of the decisions I made in the past. And I will be where I am tomorrow because of the decisions I make today. I know you don’t choose cancer or a car accident or a child who’s addicted to drugs or an uncertain economy. But how you respond to those things – whether you face those realities with confidence and strength and character and faith – whether you cave to your circumstances or rise above them – your past decisions have led to how you respond and you and I are responsible for those. Phillips Brooks, the 19th century Anglican preacher wrote Phillips Brooks: Someday, in the years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is now. … Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer.

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The decisions you made or failed to make in the past have created who you are and the strength of your character right now. The decisions we make right now will determine who we become, how we respond in the future to life’s trials and temptations, and whether or not we become men. And for that we are responsible. Here are 3 areas where it is particularly important, in fact imperative, that we accept responsibility for our lives. 1. How We See a Situation. Life events are not colors. You look at the drapes on the wall and they’re green or blue or red or orange. Everyone sees them pretty much the same way. You may quibble a bit. You may think they’re a blue that leans towards grey whereas someone else may say they’re a blue with some green in it. But most times you’re going to see it pretty much the same – bottom line: they’re blue. Now of course when it’s taupe, all that gets thrown out because no guy knows what the heck color taupe is or cares for that matter. And if you do, I’m pulling your man card. But there’s pretty much one way of seeing colors. And that’s how many of us think about the situations we face in life. There’s pretty much one way of looking at them – and that’s my way.

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But different people see things differently and you are responsible for how you see a particular situation. I learned this 30 years ago. Dr. Robb, back when he was Eddie, and I were in his office when his secretary buzzed him. There was a member here who said she had to see him. “Ok, send her in,” Ed said. The woman stepped into Ed’s office and without sitting down began to detail with great passion all the things the church was doing wrong and all the things he and I should be doing that we weren’t. As she spoke, I began to feel worse and worse about myself. As I listened to her, I found myself feeling worse and worse about myself. Why weren’t we doing the things she was talking about? Why wasn’t I doing a better job? Why was I so bad at being a pastor? My last thought as she left the office was, Man, what’s wrong with me? As soon as she was gone, Ed sighed, looked at me and said, Man, what’s wrong with her? That day I learned two things. 1. I wish I was Ed Robb. It would make my life a lot easier. 2. We all have a choice how we look at a situation.

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Your wife tells you that she’s not happy with parts of your marriage. How do you see that? A very typical response is – She’s telling me what I’m doing wrong. She’s telling me I’m not doing your job. She’s saying I’m not measuring up. She’s has no appreciation for how hard I’m trying, or how stressed out I am at work. That’s one way of seeing it. Another way? She’s telling me what she needs. Period. She’s telling me that I’m important to her and she needs me to do some things that make her feel affirmed and loved. Now because you’re a guy, and because guys think the most important thing in the world is being respected, and because we believe being respected is based on performance, when our wives tell us that her needs aren’t being met we often hear criticism where none is intended and we see the situation as a confrontation and we go into fight or flight mode. And then things get really ugly. “Well, it sure sounded like criticism. If she wanted to tell me that she needed me and that she wants me to make her feel loved and special, she should have just said so.” Oh, did little Johnny get his feelings hurt. I’m so sorry she didn’t say it the way a fragile little fella like you needed to hear it. Grow up.

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How you see, how you interpret what she’s saying – you decide that. You may be right. She may be mad and she may want a fight. But very often even if it sounds like criticism, what’s underneath her words, for those who have eyes to see, is someone who needs to be reassured that she is important to her husband and that he cares about her and her feelings. And if every time your wife wants to talk with you about your marriage, you interpret it as criticism and condemnation and it turns into a confrontation – I think the problem may be on your end more than it is hers. You are responsible for how you see a situation. You can see it as what’s wrong with her or as what’s wrong with me or simply as this is my wife is telling me what she needs to feel connected and loved. You get a bad performance review? Do you see it as condemnation or as an opportunity to get better? Something you’re working on goes wrong? Do you see it as failure or as a chance to learn? You decide how you see it. Not long ago I confronted one of our staff members in a way I don’t usually speak to people. I told him that he had performed poorly and the reason was that he was not disciplined and he had not worked hard.

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When he began to explain it away, I cut him off and told him he was not gifted enough to do things on they fly – that he would have to work hard like the rest of us. Later that day, I received a note from him, thanking me for what I had said to him, saying it was exactly what he needed to hear. He chose how to see my remarks as helpful, not hurtful. And he manned up and accepted responsibility for his lack of performance. That I can work with. That I can respect. That is a man. How we see our situations, that’s up to us. That leads to another area we must take responsibility for to be men. 2. Our emotions. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not emotional. My wife is, but I’m not. Being emotional – that’s more of a female problem, isn’t it? Really? Then why are men much more likely to become alcoholics than women? Because we don’t let our emotions get to us? Why are men much more likely to become addicted to drugs? Why are we more likely to commit suicide than women? Because we’re not emotional?

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I will grant you this. You may not feel some emotions as often as your wife does. But anger – that’s the male go-to emotion – many of us live with that below the surface almost all of the time. Instead of sadness, we feel anger. Instead of fear, we feel anger. Instead of confusion, frustration, loneliness, or rejection very often we feel anger – either at ourselves or at others. You come home in the evening, walk past your kids’ rooms and say “hi.” They don’t look up from the computer game they’re playing. You get what? Angry. That’s disrespectful. That’s rude. That’s being unappreciative of all that I have provided for them. And that makes me mad. I mean how else should I feel? Maybe it could make you feel like this is a teaching moment. Maybe you could respond by saying to yourself, “It’s my responsibility to raise this child, and this looks like a great opportunity to step into his room and say, ‘Tommy, I just said hi to you and you ignored me. That’s not how we treat other people – we show respect to others. Life is about relationships – and in relationships little things go a long way –

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little things like saying hi when you’re spoken to, asking someone how their day went, and taking a little time out of our schedules to make someone else feel important. I want you to succeed at life and nothing will help you succeed as much as having good relationships. So, I’m going to go back into the hall, walk past your room and say hi, and I want you to practice having a little common courtesy.’” You can choose how you respond emotionally. Get angry – you don’t have to, but choose to get angry, and you’ll make a bad situation worse. Choose to feel concerned about your child and his growth, and you’re likely to teach a lesson and make your child better. You are not a microwave oven. People can’t just press your buttons and you make you go off. You have a mind, you have a will, you have the ability to control your emotions. Decide to be responsible for those emotions and we’ll become men. Decide to let your emotions control us and we’ll remain 13 year old boys. One other emotion I want to highlight for you that I find common in men. They’ll deny it. You’ll deny it. I’ll deny it. It’s self-pity. That doesn’t sound very manly. But I find it’s there.

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When we try hard and we’re unappreciated. When life is unfair. When we get knocked down over and over, we often feel sorry for ourselves and give up. We’re not appreciated at home. Fine, I’ll turn off emotionally and let’s see how they can do without me. I’m not affirmed at work, ok, I’ll do as little as needed to keep my job. Life is against me. God’s not looking out for me. Then I’ll give up on God and go my own way. You can do those things – but what I want you to know is doing so is a choice. And none of them are manly. Have you ever know anyone with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease? I have known two people who suffered with it. It is a hideous disease. It takes everything from you, except the mind within you which is keenly aware of all that you have lost. Dave Pomerenke was the first person I knew with ALS. An ex-fighter pilot, two young children. He was paralyzed in a wheel chair, strapped in so he wouldn’t fall out. He knew he would die and leave behind his wife and children. And yet, he was at peace, he was concerned about others, and his faith was strong.

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More recently a woman in our church, Peggy Kerr. The last time I saw her she was in a hospital bed, nearing the end of her life. She was unable to speak or to swallow. Every few seconds someone would have to suction the saliva from her mouth because she felt like she was choking. Do you know what Scripture passage she asked that I read at her funeral? Habakkuk 3.17-18: Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines; though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food; though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

I know life is unfair and hard. I know you often don’t receive the appreciation you deserve. It’s understandable if you get down and feel sorry for yourself from time to time. But I want you to realize that you choose your response. Dave Pomerenke and Peggy Kerr chose theirs. And you and I choose ours. How long we stay down, how defeated we become in our spirits, whether we give up or rise up, whether we give in or give ourselves to God and others – that’s our choice. Men, real men are emotional beings. But real men, in the words of one of my mentors Bill Hinson, Bill Hinson: We don’t live at the mercy of our moods. We rise above our emotions and we do what’s needed and what’s right.

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Finally, 3. Our actions. I WANT TO SHOW YOU A CLIP FROM THE CLASSIC MOVIE, ON THE WATERFRONT.

You’ll know the scene. It’s probably one of the most famous in the history of film. CHARLIE, THE OLDER BROTHER, IS CONNECTED TO THE MOB THAT RUNS THE DOCKS, AND NEEDS TO TALK WITH HIS BROTHER, TERRY. TERRY, AN EX-PRIZEFIGHTER, WHO NEVER MADE IT, KNOWS ENOUGH TO GET THE BIG GUYS IN TROUBLE AND HE'S BEEN SERVED WITH A SUBPOENA. CHARLIE HAS A CAR RIDE TO CONVINCE TERRY NOT TO TESTIFY. HE OFFERS HIM A BRIBE, AND THEN HE PULLS A GUN ON HIM AND THREATENS HIM SO TERRY WILL DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, AND KEEP BEING THE NOTHING HE BELIEVES HE IS. WHEN TERRY REALIZES WHAT’S HAPPENING, HE IS DEVASTATED AND HIS OLDER BROTHER CHANGES THE TONE OF THE CONVERSATION.

On The Waterfront CLIP DON'T YOU FEEL FOR TERRY? HE'S A BUM. WHY? ASK HIM AND HE'LL TELL YOU: HE GOT A BUM RAP. SOMEONE WHO SHOULDA LOOKED AFTER HIM DIDN'T. TERRY HAS A GOOD REASON FOR BEING A BUM, FOR DOING NOTHING WITH HIS LIFE.

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HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE. SOMEONE ELSE IS. AND THAT'S WHY HIS LIFE HAS GONE NOWHERE – AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT HE HAS TOLD HIMSELF ALL THESE YEARS. AND THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS ABOUT WHETHER TERRY WILL QUIT TAKING A DIVE, WHETHER HE'LL STAND UP IN THE RING OF LIFE, TAKE RESPONSIBILIITY FOR HIS DESISIONS, AND FIGHT TO BE A MAN. TERRY’S IN MY OFFICE, I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AND I SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM. I AGREE WITH HIM THAT HIS BROTHER SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER BY HIM. BUT IF I LOVE HIM, AT SOME POINT I SAY: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. YOU CHOSE TO GO DOWN. THAT WAS YOUR DECISION. AND YOU, NOT YOUR BROTHER, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DECISIONS AND THE ACTIONS YOU TAKE RIGHT NOW. AND IF YOU KNOW THE MOVIE, YOU KNOW EVENTUALLY THAT’S WHAT HE DECIDES, AND HE BECOMES A MAN. MEN, WE CAN HAVE ALL KINDS OF GOOD REASONS THAT WE'RE NOT THE MEN GOD WANTS US TO BE. BUT ONCE WE SAY THOSE REASONS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHO WE ARE, WE'RE NOT. AND WE NEVER CHANGE.

When guys have an affair, most of the times they tell me one of two things. We didn’t mean for it to happen. Our work threw us together. Or we met by chance, and we discovered that we had a lot in common, and we developed real feeling for each other, and then it just happened.

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Do you hear how duplicitous that guy is? Do you hear how he’s excusing himself from real responsibility for his actions? It just happened. Like he had nothing to do with it. Like he was some puppet, controlled by celestial forces he didn’t understand and couldn’t control. The other thing they say is, “My wife and I – we just grew apart. She didn’t appreciate me, she didn’t make me feel wanted, she didn’t make me feel like a man anymore. And this other woman did. I guess, really, I was just lonely.” You were lonely so you broke your vows to your wife and to God. You didn’t feel appreciated so somehow you told yourself breaking one of the big 10 was ok. You come to see me in my office and tell me about these things – and some of you have – you’re going to find me very compassionate and all about forgiveness and redemption. But right now in this big group, my response is: What, are you 12 years old? Your feelings were hurt, you were lonely, you didn’t feel affirmed – that’s why you did what you did?

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No, you had a choice. Trust me, I like pretty chicks. But I have a choice. Do I look, how long do I look, and how do I speak to them. How I respond – I have a choice and so do you. Why did you do what you did? My job puts me under a lot of stress. My wife doesn’t understand me. My father wasn’t there for me when I was growing up. Anger runs in my family. But once we say those things are responsible for the choices we make, for where we are spiritually and emotionally, for our drinking or for our marriages not being what they should be, we’re saying what? We’re saying that we’re not responsible. And we give ourselves permission to be irresponsible in the areas of our lives that matter most. A man accepts responsibility for his actions instead of making excuses. Now, I can say that without even an ounce of being judgmental. I’m telling you this because (1) I need to hear it and (2) accepting responsibility is empowering. When you believe that you are NOT responsible for your life, not only are you believing a lie, but you are giving away your strength.

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Listen, brothers, You are not a string of excuses. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You are not a powerless pawn of life’s unfairness. You are a man. You are a human being made in the image of God. You are the most powerful and resourceful creature God has ever dreamed up. Believe that. Claim that. Be responsible for that. You can make whatever changes you need to make. You can be whoever you want to be. And you can succeed at all the things that matter most.