March 1, 2014


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Notes from Attendees of the 2014 IBCD Spring Seminar, “Practicing Affirmation” March 1, 2014 Sam Crabtree stood before the conferees of the 2014 spring seminar of the IBCD in Escondido, California, and started the sessions by asking them to write, “The most eyeopening thing you have discovered in your years as a counselor…” Here are their replies. • • • • •

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Everyone needs counseling—it’s a question of what kind of counsel you are giving and receiving. Grace is my standing point and my destination in all situations. The Holy Spirit actually works in me as I go through the process of counseling and trying to help someone. An accurate view of Christ! His grace can give comfort and hope. The one thing that has absolutely transformed my counseling in the last 15 years has been taking everything back to gospel sanctification. “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12). How careful I have to be with my words, and how watchful of their words, to reveal the heart. Only God changes hearts; counseling is the privilege of pointing them to him. I can’t be their savior. I can’t save them from their own guilty hearts. Change comes from the Lord. We cannot change our own strength. People don’t need me to solve their problems; they need me to point them back to God. I can’t be there savior. I can’t save them from their own guilty heart. God’s word is absolute—not my opinion. God’s word is what convicts and heals. Food opens doors to the soul. In small groups, especially where non-Christians are concerned, serve refreshments first. Women talk more freely when they see the counselor as a friend who is lovingly giving correction. There is no point in counseling someone if they are unwilling to have an open heart and mind to change. “This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance that Christ Jesus came to save sinners, of whom I am chief” (I Timothy 1:15). I am no different than my counselee, in that I am a sinner. This leads to compassion and understanding. Every person has a story … life review is helpful and the best way I know to connect and develop a connection and trust. I have many shortcomings as well. It’s by God’s grace that I grow everyday. The most important person is Jesus Christ. God often works in ways we don’t expect. People do not want to change! When confronted in Matthew 18, in a gracious and charitable approach, they cannot admit mistakes. Reminds me of Fonzie on “Happy Days”! God uses broken people to help other broken people. His grace is amazing.

The views expressed in this document do not necessarily reflect the views of Sam Crabtree or IBCD.

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How often God uses something I’ve said that was not planned or even directly from Scripture, but connected with the counselee on a level she needed. Husbands, no matter how well-intended, tend to be unwilling or unable to own their blind spots and be transparently accountable. When counseling others, it is crucial that you yourself are growing in the Lord and relying on is wisdom and not your own experiences and wisdom. Always give direct eye contact; care and love enough to do this. Pray and listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance before counseling others. Let the love of God flow through you, seasoned with grace and mercy. As an “older woman” in my congregation, the “younger” women really do want to befriend and receive the biblical advice we can offer—so be open and observant. Be a friend: someone who is there for them even when they aren’t there for you. I am never too old to stop learning. I often find that I am listening to myself as if I really need to pay attention to the very concepts I am sharing. Teaching the “put off” and “put on” dynamic. I work with children and I often observe that the issues students struggle with are the same things their parents struggle with. Love people where they’re at. Be open to see what and how the Lord is using both small and big circumstances and situations in your lives. Finding something to give them hope in their situation. People won’t act on counsel unless they really believe they need the help. Only the Holy Spirit can move their hearts. I have found that most that come to me in some way struggle with condemnation for the way they have handled things. Therefore camping in Romans 8, having them meditate on these verses and clearly teaching on these verses, has brought so much freedom from guilt. In a conflict, ask questions: Who is sinning here? o If I am, then repent. o If they are, wait on the Lord to change them. Can I change this person? o I can’t change myself! o God will change them in his time. Does this person have the same problem with others in his circle of life? Most likely he does! Therefore, consider: o I am not the center of the universe in this person’s life! o They are struggling and need the Lord o Can I be joyful despite this person’s sin against me? Or is this person’s approval of me an idol of my heart? o Have I accepted whom God made me to be? Or am I trying to please this person? My personality may be used by God to grow others! (Ouch!) I have found that identity seems to be the biggest issue on people’s minds and hearts: Where they place their identity No thinking about identity (intentional idea) Misplace identity Unable to recognize identity Keep the focus on Christ and his work.

The views expressed in this document do not necessarily reflect the views of Sam Crabtree or IBCD.

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I have learned how most people’s struggles boil down to the same causes and problems. The great degree of insecurity, fear, and denial in (even) true followers of Jesus than renders them reluctant to recognize and deal with their besetting sins. Some people are not necessarily stubborn when not doing what told/taught the first time. They often need modeling several times for the new believe/behavior to “click,” so rehearsing or role playing can be repeated to get it to stick. More often than not, it's not what a person says when they give me a call; it is the fact that they called. I have found it very helpful to share the last supper account with people when they find it hard to forgive/overlook their personal struggles with their sin and how Jesus could still forgive them. Here is Jesus serving these 12 men the last supper even though he knew that they were going to betray, deny and flee from him. He loved them that much. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Proverbs 10:19). Don’t say everything you know. When you say it is often as important as what you say. Timing is everything. “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted” (Isaiah 53:4). The Lord has not just taken our sins to the cross, but also bore our griefs and sorrows. Apart from the motivation of Christ love being for us, reconciliation cannot happen. “For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died” (2 Corinthians 5:14). True healing comes when someone takes their eyes off themselves and serves others. “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve” (Matthew 20:28). The power of thankfulness. “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Ephesians 1–3: Who they are in Christ is foundational to their understanding of gratitude before God. Ephesians 4–6: How they are to now walk in their faith. Matthew 7:1–5: “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” This is a telling truth to always season your communication with your counselee and vise versa: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). Philippians 2:5–6 speaks volumes on how we ought to think: “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped.” Make it your aim to please him: “So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him” (2 Corinthians 5:9). Jesus Christ is worth it all! “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls” (James 1:19–21). “Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing pat the door” (James 5:9).

The views expressed in this document do not necessarily reflect the views of Sam Crabtree or IBCD.

• 1 Corinthians 13 • Two Scriptures 1. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1–2). 2. “For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel” (Ezra 7:10). • “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). • “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world’ ” (John 11:25–27). • Two Scriptures: 1. "And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me' " (Luke 9:23). 2. “But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep” (2 Peter 2:1–3). • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Gospel The truth and reality of the gospel is the hub of this life. We are saved by grace through faith, and we live every day by grace through faith. Application of the gospel. The gospel is the heart of each and every issue. Stay on track with that (how/what we believe to be true about God says it all). The gospel is as necessary for salvation as for our daily Christian life. Our position—who we are in Christ—is our life and joy and freedom in Christ. “As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him” (Colossians 2:6). The gospel is the solution to every challenge we face. Listening Listen before you speak. People want and need to be heard. I’m trying to better my listening skills—always. If you give people time to talk they will tell you more than you want to hear. Listen; then give advice. People need to be listened to and heard. Listening and then thinking carefully before speaking. Be willing to listen. Be able to listen. Listen more than I talk. Being available over a long period of time (years) to listen and to be there for them. Truly listen—instead of wanting to speak. Be an attentive and empathetic listener.

The views expressed in this document do not necessarily reflect the views of Sam Crabtree or IBCD.



Learning to truly listen and to let the Holy Spirit work in a conversation.

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Word of God The revelation of how much I need the counseling of God’s word. The incredible comfort the word of God brings those who are on their sick beds. The word of God is sufficient for all of life. The sufficiency of Scripture for life and godliness. God’s word is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword. His work is sharper and more effective than anything else I can offer.

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Books & Resources The Bible is the #1 book. Equipped to Love: Building Idolatry-Free Relationships by Norm Wakefield Decisions, Decisions: How (and How Not) to Make Them by Dave Swavery Shadow of the Cross: Studies in Self-Denial by Walter Chantry Rose From Briar by Amy Carmichael Ashamed of the Gospel by John MacArthur (explains how the heart motivation to change is rooted in God’s grace) Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rhinehart Lady in Waiting by Jacki Kendall & Debby Jones Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul Tripp Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Paul Tripp The Fulfilled Family by John MacArthur (w/ free audio series at gty.org) At age 58, after losing my husband of 38 years to cancer, an excellent book that has helped me to refocus and reevaluate why God left me behind is Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper. I have shared this book with many others my age as we look for purpose for our remaining years. ibcd.org (lots of free resources) A Self-Confrontation Study taught me how to confront my own sin daily in order to be able to confront others’ sin. As a counselee . . . Marriage is my opportunity to administer the mercy of the gospel (preach the gospel through mercy) to my husband.

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The views expressed in this document do not necessarily reflect the views of Sam Crabtree or IBCD.