Marriage, Stress and the Orthopedic Practice
Marie Sakosky Kelly RN John D. Kelly IV
Disclosure • Marie Sakosky Kelly RN – No relevant financial relationships to disclose
• John D. Kelly IV – Reviewer Arthroscopy, JBJS, Orthopedics, Sports Health, JSES, Physician and Sports Med. – Editorial Board Orthopedics Today – Editorial Board Orthopedics – Editor Ortho Hyperguide Slack – Board of Directors Eastern Ortho. Assoc.
Stressors Today • • • •
More Hours ‘intrusion’ third parties Malpractice Lack of shared responsibilities (home, family, ‘couple decisions’) • Time apart, ‘he’s not present when he is present’
Stress Reduction: Proven Principles • Self nurturance • Manage your emotions • Focus on relationships…not things • Belief in Higher Power
The Power Points • Own what you bring to marriage • Live the commitment • Create the marriage you want and change for the better • Forgiveness, couple growth, shared goals, and perseverance • SAY ‘YES’ TO YOUR MARRIAGE and Higher Power • Your mission….make him/her feel loved and lovable
Marriage *
• • • •
‘Big Kahuna’ of relationships Make or break your happiness A lifelong partnership….. A lifelong promise
*Strong Marriage • Lifetime of ‘spiritual security’ Your spouse will ‘cover your back’ • Confidante • Lover • ‘Soulmate’ • Legacy – ‘good marriages beget good marriages’
*Strong Marriage • Enable you to manage the stressors of practice • Feed your soul • Enable you to give more to your loved ones and patients • Facilitates creativity and inspiration • “John …we can slay the dragons together!”
Proactivity (Steven Covey)
• Your life is a product of your decisions, not your conditions • You subordinate a mood to a value • You create the life (and marriage) you choose!
Principles for Success (Covey) COMMITMENT and CHARACTER Marriage starts with an EMPTY BOX The love and commitment we each bring fills the box over the years Honor your vows daily and uphold moral virtue to one another
Principles cont. • Marriage is numero uno, the Main Tent ….not sideshow • ‘Sharpen the saw’: need for renewal Take the time to individually maintain wellness in your life and marriage (body, mind, heart and spirit) Anything not consistently attended to will break down and deteriorate.
Marriage Template* • We chose P.M.R.C. (livinginlove.org) Church based Roadmap for marriage enrichment helps us stay the course despite our ‘baggage’ WE choose to re-commit DAILY – we value our marriage!
Why Do Marriages Deteriorate?* • ‘Trauma of childhood becomes the drama of adulthood’ H. Hendrix, M.D. • We each bring childhood ‘wounds’ to our union • Old hurts can make or break us! • ‘PAIN BODY’ and EGO
‘Old Pain’ and EGO • More wounded past = stronger EGOIC needs • Leave your EGO at the front door - be the best spouse you can • Humility and Gentleness rock!!! • Observe when the EGO is at work, detach from it • Examples – defensiveness, anger, control
EGO • False image of self we create to feel ‘secure’ • Selfish, unsatiated • Opposite of ‘other centered’ • Based on FEAR and WANTS • More it exerts itself, the more miserable it becomes
EGO: the real definition (Dyer) • Edging • God • Out
EGO in Action • • • • •
Demand perfection Slow to forgive Must be RIGHT Withdraw ‘Insecurities’ manifest
• FEAR • WANTS
Trauma of Childhood-* Large Egoic Needs • Our false expectations of marriage are largely determined by our childhood ‘hurts’ • • • •
‘Nothing is ever good enough’ Poor role models Expect spouse to ‘fix things’ Return to ‘unfinished business’ with a parent • ‘Subconsciously’ repeat patterns of our same sex parent
Repeated Detrimental Patterns* • We inherit dysfunctional patterns of our parents automatically • Patterns emerge most during times of stress • Examples: the ‘silent treatment’, withdrawal, infidelity, defensiveness
Strong Marriage* • The product of a daily decision • Greatest investment in personal happiness outside of personal faith or belief • A true work in progress • ‘if you aren’t getting closer…you are drifting apart’
Power Quotes for Proactive Marriage* • ‘Success in marriage is not only about finding the right partner, it is about being the right partner.’ Barnett Bricker
• ‘Life without commitment is not worth living’. Rabbi Abraham Heschel
‘Keys’ to a Rich Marriage – it just* doesn’t happen! • No matter what your past, or genetics, or station in life - you alone choose to VALUE: • • • • • • • •
Commitment Respect Investment Romance Fun Openness to Growth Forgiveness OTHER CENTEREDNESS
We are the best spouse and* honor marriage when we… • • • •
Live in the moment Forget the past (forgiveness liberates!) BE the best we can…….NOW Choose to LOVE
Commitment*
• A decision for life • Never use the ‘D’ word • Marriage – a Sacred promise you give your spouse before God and community to uphold, honor and respect
Keeping Promises: the Essence of* Proactivity • Demonstrate that your life is a product of your decisions…not your conditions • You value your promise…even when you don’t feel like it! • YOU DECIDE to REVERE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!
Your Spouse: Your greatest teacher!!! • Honest feedback (‘honey, I think that new mouthwash isn’t making it’) • How you see your spouse….you see yourself! What bugs you? (projection) • ‘Pushed Buttons’ = old childhood hurt
Commitment • When the work of marriage seems overwhelming…..we can leave. • But…we still carry the same ‘stuff’ to the next ‘upgrade’ • Divorce … ‘an abortion of the growth process’ H. Hendrix MD • When we ‘sell out’ for marriage we commit to look for the positive!
Commitment • Create a joint vision statement of your marriage • Refer to it regularly • Commit to practice it…whether you feel like it or not! • Every morning make the decision to SAY YES to your MARRIAGE • Voice it to your spouse often!
Respect • Poor respect … a predictor of Divorce • Words are powerful • Identify your spouse in the most revering, and respectful terms – “I would like to introduce to you the love of my life, the woman of my dreams” • As you see your spouse, you see yourself…see him or her in the most loving, respectful fashion
Affirmation • It is easier to respect someone when we are aware of all their GOODNESS • List all you love and admire about your spouse, refer to it daily and share lavishly with him or her
Investment* • DECIDE to invest time, talent and resources without compromise • Each ‘deposit’ yields extraordinary returns
Investment Examples* • Daily, uninterrupted time with spouse • ‘To listen is to love’ (women love details!) • Phone calls with emotional connection – ‘I am thinking of you’ • Text messages • Spontaneous love notes • Planned date night – no rain checks!
Rekindle Romance* • Date night/ weekend getaways • Frequent hugs/kisses (it increases happiness!) • More important than time with children! • Never go to bed angry…it is more important to be in relationship than to be ‘right’ • Stoke passion with novelty
Intimacy: Physical or Emotional • Men attain intimacy through physical contact (sex) • Women attain intimacy through emotional connection (verbal ‘intercourse’)
• ‘You cannot love what you don’t know’
If you want physical intimacy…. • Create a ROMANTIC environment: manage stress share responsibilities: house and children (don’t miss trash day or the science project!) dialogue regularly about important matters what works for you?
‘Dialogue’ • • • • •
10 and 10 Pose a question of importance Write about your feelings on it Share responses Discuss solutions
‘Skin to Skin’ Challenge* • Make the commitment to cuddle naked for 20 min to reconnect emotionally just hold each other relish the closeness be present, with no expectations WATCH THE FIREWORKS FLY!!!!!
FUN*
• • • •
Rest your nervous system Re-live the feelings you had when dating Explore new ways to re-connect Build ‘memories’ to help with time apart
Forgiveness*
• Greatest essential virtue in marriage • Relationship is more precious than your EGO • When you forgive, you will be kinder to yourself • Forgiveness heals us of our OWN baggage!
Openness to Growth* • Marriage: greatest opportunity for personal growth • The person who ‘pushes your buttons’ holds the key to your healing • In every disagreement, step back and ask… ‘what am I bringing to this?’ (defensiveness? indifference?) • Be present, listen and ask ‘what can I learn from this?’
I love you more today than yesterday……….
Yesterday, you really got on my nerves
Openness to Growth • Staying the course can yield great dividends - 72% of unhappy couples who commit, become ‘happy’ in five years • As we grow to accept each other’s imperfections, we learn to be more accepting of ourselves
Openness to Growth
• When we feel least willing to love our spouses, but decide to do so ANYWAY, we are growing beyond measure!
Get Back to the Present* • Breathe…especially during conflict • Meditation – Yoga – Mindfulness ‘Reminders’ • Feel and be aware of your body!
Presence* • When you get back to the present, you can give your spouse what he or she needs • You, in turn, will receive what you need • We can only truly LOVE when we are PRESENT
Marriage • Sell out for marriage everyday! • Invest in your marriage, take the lead…create the marriage you desire • Create a shared vision statement for your marriage and practice it
Triad for Great Marriage • Commitment – love and ‘sell out’ for each other • Shared time being present – love is as love does • Forgiveness – ‘don’t leave home without it’
The Kelly ‘Call Out’ • Decide TODAY to be the best spouse you can be for 30 days • Leave your EGO at the front door • Be present, forgive NOW…..it’s never too late • Watch your life BLOSSOM
Your Marriage is worth fighting for!!!!
In the END……* • • • •
Not about the cases Not about the fame Not about the riches Not about ‘the good life’
The real GOOD LIFE is all about* those you love…
SPOUSE is
THANK YOU
Marie 610 639 4883
[email protected] John 610 639 4884
[email protected]
