Marriage

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Marriage This month could be a turning point in your marriage. It is our goal, not only to be the men God wants us to be, but to be the husband God commands us to be and the husband our wife needs us to be. It’s been said that “perception is reality.” Your wife’s perception of your marriage is your wife’s reality. For example, you may be grateful for your wife, but her perception might be you don’t care or appreciate all she does for you and the family. Many marriages struggle because of poor communication and misalignment of each spouse’s perceptions. This month’s assignment is going to break down walls of poor communication and lay issues on the table. We hope you are man enough to handle the truth.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 6:25 Marriage is a model of our relationship with Jesus. Just as Christ sacrificed all for the church, we must put the needs of our wives ahead of ourselves. Unconditional love relinquishes all rights of self. A Godly husband doesn’t do something nice for his wife to get something in return. He serves his wife without selfishness. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7) One of the most difficult things for a man to do is treat his wife tenderly. We are aggressive by nature and spend most of our day in competitive environments. But when it comes to treating your wife, “Handle with Care!” Practice being tender, loving, kind, gentle, respectful, and patient. She is God’s gift to you. Love her as Paul describes in 1 Corinthians. Love her as Christ loves the church. NOTE to Single DMs who might be wondering, “What does this month’s topic have to do this me?” Perhaps God will bless you with a wife one day. He will use this month’s focus to help prepare you to bless your wife and strengthen your marriage!

Current Month Assignments ●

Read The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment With the Wisdom of God (Keller). Prepare a book summary to share with your group.

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Pray FOR your wife throughout this month. Review and print one of the two prayer guides listed in the Resources section. The more you pray for your wife, the more your heart will bend toward her!

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DM Date Night With Your Wife: Prepare by reviewing several pages (listed in Resources section) in the book If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife by Gary Smalley. NOTE: You are not required to read this entire book.

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Memorize the verses attached. Be prepared to quote each verse and reference. Review the verses from previous months so they become deeply rooted!

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Man-date: When you meet, discuss how it is going with praying for your wife, the date of your date with your wife, and your verses..

Resources: •

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Praying for Your Wife (or, if single, for your future wife) o Select and use one of the following guides to praying for your wife: ▪ http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/10-things-to-pray-for-your-wife (includes a link for you to download and print a helpful guide to praying for your wife) ▪ A brief list of 20 things to pray for your wife (by Stormie Omartian, author of The Power of a Praying Husband): http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/stayingmarried/growing-spiritually/20-ways-to-pray-for-your-wife DM Date Night With Your Wife (see following instructions) If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife (by Gary Smalley): This book isn’t assigned reading, but you’ll need to review a few pages in it with your wife prior to your DM Date Night. See instruction on DM Date Night for the list of these pages. Great post about how we can hurt our wives without realizing it: http://ronedmondson.com/2014/01/7-ways-a-husband-injures-a-wife-without-evenknowing-it.html

Memory Verses Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. John 13:34-35 A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. 1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. + 1: Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

DM Date Night With Your Wife This might be the most challenging assignment of the DM year. Plan a romantic evening out on the town for just the two of you. It is your responsibility to take care of all the arrangements (finding a babysitter, reservations, scheduling, etc.). Arrange a time and place to discuss the questions. Communicate the date in advance and prepare your wife for the evening’s discussions. She needs to know you are not going to retaliate or attack when she shares her heart. You aren’t a perfect husband! Every husband falls short in loving his wife as Christ loves the church. Don’t get angry or frustrated when your wife shares with you. Try to separate yourself from your emotions and communicate to her (with your words, actions, expressions, posture, sounds, etc.) you are eager to love her the way she wants to be loved and you never want to offend her. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” James 1:19 This will be a “make it or break it” night. If you humbly and lovingly listen to her, you will reap great benefits. If you crack and retaliate while she is sharing, you could break her confidence and damage her deeply. Remember, gently treat her with honor and respect.

DM Date Night is not a forum for debate. It is an opportunity for your wife to share some very difficult things to say in a safe environment where she will not be attacked or criticized. DM, your assignment is to listen and take notes. Take notes and ask questions as if you are talking about another man. Do not take her feedback personally, but realize you are imperfect and have work to do. This is not about what she needs to do – it is about you and what you need to do to be a better husband. Note to single DMs: • If you are dating a woman who could be the one you’ll marry, you can use many of these questions with her. Many married DMs wish we’d started our marriages better able to communicate with, listen to, and understand our wives. Get a head start! • Otherwise, review these items and identify which ones you anticipate will be a struggle for you. Consider discussing them with another DM or trusted male friend. Note to DM veterans: • “I have to endure this again?” Yes. Just as you weren’t a perfect husband the first time, you’re still not perfect…but reviewing these items with your wife will provide a check of your progress and reminder of what your wife values most (maybe that’s changed since your last DM Date Night!). Prior to your date night (allowing her sufficient time to review), give your wife each of the following: 1. Ways We Offend Our Wives (list of 122 ways men offend their wives on pp. 85-92 in If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife by Gary Smalley, in the chapter titled “Climbing Out of Marriage’s Deepest Pit”): Give this list to your wife and have her select 5 – 10 ways you personally offend her. You and your wife will discuss these things on DM Date Night. 2. 100 Ways to Love Her—Her Way (list that will help you understand ways to love your wife that she values on pp. 41-45 in If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife by Gary Smalley, in the chapter titled “Where Have All the Good Feelings Gone?”): Give this list to your wife and have her mark the ones she values most. You and your wife will discuss these on your DM Date Night. 3. Questions for Your Wife: On DM Date Night, after your wife has discussed the ways you offend her and the ways you can best express love to her, you will use the questions below to further identify areas that need to be discussed. o Are we spending enough time together? How much is best? When? o What time of day is best for us to talk? o How do you want me to greet you at the end of the day? o What is meaningful communication to you? o Where do you rank our communication on a scale of 1-10? (10=best) What are some things I could do to make our communication a “10” in the next year? o How am I doing with meaningful touch apart from sex? (1-10) o What do I do when it comes to touching that you don’t appreciate? o What could I do in a heated argument to draw us closer – not farther apart? o What would be a romantic evening for you? o What are some things I do that take the romance out of our relationship? o When you are hurting or discouraged, what is the best way I can help you? o Decision-making – do you feel excluded or overburdened? What can I do to improve this area and make our relationship stronger?

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What do I do to make you fearful in some way? Are there any things in my life that you feel are more important than you? What can I do to make you feel you are second only to God? Is there anything else that I do or don’t do that you feel dishonors you, frustrates you, embarrasses you, or hurts you? Remember that it is my goal to be a better husband – please share honestly.