Mentoring 411 A Self-Study Guide
Copyright 2013
Copyright 2013
TABLE OF CONTENTS WELCOME …………………………………………………………………………
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LEARNING OBJECTIVES…………………………………………………………. 5 ABOUT THE AGENCY…………………………………………………………….. 6 TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART I…………………………………………… 9 WHAT IS MENTORING?……………………………………………………….…. 10 SETTING APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES ..……………………………………. 13 THE LIFE CYCLE OF A MATCH………………………………………………… 15 TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART II…………………………………………. 16 WAYS WE COMMUNICATE…………………………………………………….. 17 TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART III………………………………………... 21 STEPS TO GROWING YOUR FRIENDSHIP………………………………….
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TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART IV…………………………………….….
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WHAT’S NEXT…………………………………………………………………….
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WORKING WITH MATCH SUPPORT………………………………………..… 31 SELF STUDY GUIDE ASSESSMENT………………………………………….
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APPENDIX………………………………………………………………………...
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WELCOME! THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REVIEW THIS SELF-STUDY GUIDE
The information in this study guide was designed and developed to help you with: Becoming familiar with the background of the agency Understanding the role of a Big Your relationship with your Little Communicating with your Little and his or her parent(s) Growing your friendship
At the end of this Self-Study Guide, you will find an assessment on page 37. Please take a moment to complete this assessment. After you have completed the assessment, please read and sign the acknowledgement at the bottom of the page and return it to the Enrollment Specialist at the time of your interview. Thank you for taking the time to read this Self-Study Guide!
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LEARNING OBJECTIVES
UPON COMPLETION OF THE SELF-STUDY GUIDE, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO: DEFINE MENTORING RECOGNIZE GOOD QUALITIES OF A BIG DEMONSTRATE SETTING APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES DESCRIBE THE LIFECYCLE OF MATCHES APPLY COMMUNICATION SKILLS WITH LITTLES AND PARENTS IDENTIFY STEPS FOR GROWING YOUR FRIENDSHIP IDENTIFY THE NEXT STEPS IN THE MATCHING PROCESS
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ABOUT THE AGENCY Our Mission Statement The mission of Big Brothers Big Sisters is to provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever. “There we were, making a plain old kite out of paper and dowels and string. That was fun. But when it actually flew…that was MAGIC.” -- A Mentor
Our Profile Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta (BBBS) is a private, nonprofit organization and an affiliate of Big Brothers Big Sisters of America. Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta was founded in 1960 and is one of the largest affiliated agencies in the United States. The agency matches children ages 6 – 12 in Cherokee, Clayton, Cobb, DeKalb, Douglas, Fayette, Fulton, Gwinnett, Henry, Paulding and Rockdale counties. 74% of the children served are Black/African-American 12% are White 9% are Hispanic/Latino 3% are Multi-Racial 2% are from other ethnic backgrounds More than 3,200 children (Littles) benefited from having a Big Brother or Sister (Big) last year. We have a significant number of children who are waiting for a mentor.
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Our Requirements Volunteers with Big Brother Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta must: Be 21 years old; or 18 years old and in college Spend an average of twice a month with a little Commit to a minimum one-year friendship Successfully read the Mentoring 411 self-study guide and complete the quiz on page 37 Communicate with Match Support who will contact you at least once a month. You can reach match support by calling (404) 601-7038
What you put into the match is what you get out of it. Involve your Little in what you normally do.
Our Programs Community-Based Matches (One-to-one, Couple, Cross-Gender) One-to-one matches are when we match a child between the ages of 6 and 14 with a volunteer mentor Mentors meet with the child twice a month for at least 4 hours. A Couple’s match is when we match boys between the ages of 6 and 10 with a married couple who will mentor the child together. Cross-gender matches are when we match boys between the ages of 6 and 10 with a female adult volunteer mentor. Site-Based Matches (School Based, Strategic Partnerships) Volunteers meet with Littles once a week at a school. Their activities are restricted to school grounds and during school hours only. Strategic partnerships are collaborations between participating companies, schools and BBBS. The company provides financial and/or volunteer support to BBBS. Companies are matched with students in schools near the company’s location. THE ROBERTO C. GOIZUETA MENTORING INSTITUTEBIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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Children in our Community and Site Programs may fall under the following grants: Hispanic Mentoring Partnership (HMP) This program matches a volunteer with a child who may come from a home where Spanish is the primary language. Mentoring Children of Prisoners (MCP) The child must have a parent who is currently or was at one time incarcerated. There is a clear and convincing evidence that children of incarcerated parents are at increased risk for disengagement, behavior issues, academic challenges, substance abuse and criminal activity. These youth are creative problem solvers who need positive interventions to build o their strengths. In Georgia there are currently 77,000 children who have a parent or parents currently incarcerated in a state or federal prison. More than half of the people incarcerated in state prisons and almost 1 in 3 of those in federal prisons report having children younger than 18. When parents get sent to prison, their relationships with their children change in ways they never imagined. Parents experience: Feelings of guilt and inadequacy Strained relationships Isolation from family and friends Geographic challenges While in prison, parents have a difficult time staying in contact with their children.
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Parents convicted of federal crimes can be housed in federal prisons several states away from home.
Even those convicted under state law can be placed far away. As many as 62% of state offenders are more than 100 miles from home. Instability and Uncertainty Children with incarcerated parents and their caregivers are challenged by socioeconomic difficulties, including single parenting, reliance on public assistance, low income, caring for many dependents, and lack of employment. These socioeconomic obstacles can make it difficult to provide for the basic needs of children such as food, medical and dental care, and adequate clothing. Children who live in these circumstances often face hurtful stigmas that inhibit positive development. A parent’s absence rips a hole in children’s lives. They lose the supervision, support, and role modeling the incarcerated parent provided. To fill the gap left by an absent parent, some children may turn to their peers in a desire to “belong.” Lacking self esteem, many are recruited by and attracted to dangerous subcultures. Their idea of strong and successful adult role models becomes distorted. The shadow cast by having a parent in prison can push a child into a vicious cycle of hopelessness. Children can have a hard time developing trusting relationships with adults and peers, become isolated, and spiral into a world of risky behaviors.
Children of prisoners have the need for: THE ROBERTO C. GOIZUETA MENTORING INSTITUTEBIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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Safety
Structure
Caring adult role models
Someone to listen
Nonjudgmental adults
Mentors can help children of prisoners meet their needs and increase their resiliency. Children of prisoners are NOT their parents.
They have not committed the same criminal acts as their parents.
They are not doomed to become part of the criminal justice system.
At times, children have experienced challenges in their homes before the arrest of their parent. The arrest and incarceration can exacerbate living conditions for children.
Children are affected by parental incarceration. They can experience a change in living conditions, increased economic hardships, exposure to ongoing stress and trauma, and a range of difficult emotions and behaviors.
Juvenile Justice Initiative (JJI) o The JJI grant provides funding for matches with At-Risk and High Risk youth. The grant was awarded to BBBS by the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP). “At Risk” youth are those with high levels of risk in their family, home, communities and social environments to such a degree that it could lead to education failure, dropping out of school, THE ROBERTO C. GOIZUETA MENTORING INSTITUTEBIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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or involvement in juvenile delinquency and gang-related offenses . “High Risk” youth are those with present or past juvenile justice involvement. Benefits of Mentors These one-on-one relationships provide young people with caring role models who can have a profound, life-changing impact. A seminal study of Big Brothers Big Sisters found that young people with mentors are:
53% less likely to skip school;
46% less likely to start using drugs;
32% less likely to get in physical fights; and
27% less likely to start drinking.
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WHAT IS MENTORING?
Mentoring involves a one-to-one relationship between two people in order to impart knowledge, experience, judgment, and to provide guidance and friendship.
Mentoring programs are designed to link adults and young people with the goals of reassuring innate self-worth, instilling values, guiding curiosity and encouraging positive youth development.
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Mentoring is being a friend.
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WORKSHEET: “A GOOD BIG” Put a circle around good qualities of a Big and put a rectangle around poor qualities of a Big. Tough
Respectful
Charming
Committed
Dependable
Bold
Loner
Listener
Empathetic
Patient
Goofy
Popular
Talented
Rich
Problem Solver
Generous
Flexible
Athletic
Sensitive
Serious
Antisocial
Angry
Stable
Player
Funny
Educated
Clever
Fun
Kind
Rough
Positive
Brave
Quiet
Mature
Brawny
Big
Different
Artistic
Honest
Wild
Smart
Caring
Communicator
Confident
Nurturing
Which good qualities do you already possess to help make you a great Big?
Which qualities do you want to develop to be a great Big?
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A BIG IS A…
A BIG IS NOT:
VARIOUS ROLES A BIG MAY ASSUME INCLUDE:
Friend
A parent substitute
Positive role-model
A professional counselor or therapist
Adult companion
A social worker
A recreational director
Santa Claus without a suit
A judge
A credit card
A moralist
A babysitter
A probation officer
A part of the Little’s family
A chauffeur
A consultant for the Little’s family
A “savior”
Nurturer of possibilities Limit setter Boundary definer Listener Resource Advocate Opener of doors Developer of talent Education Encourager Self-esteem builder Coach Bringer of “magic”
SOURCE: BIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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SETTING APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES What are Boundaries? Boundaries are a set of limits between two people.
Examples of Appropriate Boundaries: “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t call me at home after _____________.” “I’m not going to be able to buy ____________ for you, but we can ____________________ instead.” “No, we’re not going to be able to take your brothers and sisters on our activities.” No overnight stays at the volunteer’s home during the first year of the match. No visits to a volunteer’s home during the first 6 months of the match.
Why Set Appropriate Boundaries?
To keep children safe To establish trust To teach life skills, such as budgeting To avoid burnout To clearly define the relationship and each person’s role
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SETTING BOUNDARIES: SITUATIONS TO THINK ABOUT Read about ways that you could set appropriate boundaries with both your Little and his/her parent(s) in the following situations: 1. You and your Little Brother/Sister are shopping at the mall and they ask you to buy something for them. It is important that your match be based on friendship, not money or material possessions. Set financial boundaries and stick to them. There is nothing wrong with the occasional treat or gift on a special occasion, but buying things for your Little should not be a regular practice. In this scenario, you may want to help your Little think of ways to earn what they want rather than relying on you to buy it for them. 2. You do something really special for your Little Sister/Brother, but they do not say thank you. In fact, they seldom say “thank you” and neither does their parent. It can be frustrating when your Little doesn’t thank you, but there are many factors to consider. Has this been role modeled for your little? Is your Little too embarrassed to thank you? Is your Little shy and uncomfortable verbalizing their feelings? It is fine to remind your Little when to say “thank you”, but try to not take it personally if it takes some time for your Little to make it a habit. If you watch closely, chances are that your Little is showing appreciation through behavior more than through words. 3. You find that you are always the one planning outings. Your Little is very complacent and never makes any suggestions. This is an example of how a friendship with a child can be different from a friendship with an adult. With your adult friends, it is likely that you take turns suggesting activities to do when you are together. That is not always the case with a child and there can be several reasons. Perhaps your Little doesn’t know what their options are, maybe they haven’t been exposed to enough different things to know everything they like or don’t like, or maybe they aren’t sure if you are really interested in the things they want to do. A good strategy is to keep asking for their input, but don’t get frustrated if they don’t have anything to offer. Pay attention when you are at your Little’s home and you can pick up some clues on their interests, even if they won’t tell you. 4. You arrive to pick up your Little for an outing and discover that nobody is home. This not a frequent scenario in our program, but it is important to know what you would do if this happens to you. If your Little’s parent has a cell phone, make sure you have that phone number. If you aren’t able to reach your Little or the parent, leave a note on the door or a phone message THE ROBERTO C. GOIZUETA MENTORING INSTITUTEBIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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saying that you were there. At your first opportunity, speak to the parent about the incident. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding. Remember that it is generally best to make sure the parent knows about your scheduled outings by making a quick confirmation phone call or email. With younger children, schedule the outings directly with the parent to avoid any misunderstandings. If this does become a regular occurrence, contact your Match Support Specialist and ask for assistance in approaching the parent. 5. You frequently find yourself talking to your Little’s mother about her personal problems such as divorce, her job, or financial situation. You feel that you need to help because if you don’t, nobody else will. It is natural for you to feel the urge to help your Little’s parent. Sometimes you can do that just by spending a minute listening and sympathizing. However, it is important to keep boundaries with the Little’s parent and not lose sight of who you are matched to. Taking on too many of the families problems can quickly lead to burn-out and then you might not be able to help your little at all. If you are concerned about your Little’s parent, encourage the parent to seek appropriate assistance for her support system or from professionals who are better equipped to advise her. 6. Your Little’s mother has said she will give him money to spend on outings, but you often find that you have to pay for everything. It is always best to determine at the beginning of the match if the Little’s parent will pay for your Little’s event and activities. This can help avoid awkward moments later in the match. It is the expectation of the program that the Little pays their own way, but that is not always possible. If your Little cannot pay, then you may have to pay for both of you. If your Little’s mother has agreed to give your Little money but hasn’t been doing so, it is fine to ask if there has been a change in your agreement. Remember that it is not necessary to do costly activities on your match outings. Contact your match support specialist if you need some ideas for low-cost or free activities.
Other potential match scenarios to think about:
Your Little tries to convince you to take them to R-rated movies during your outings.
Your Little uses language that makes you uncomfortable.
Your Little’s parent continually asks you for financial favors, including: o Money for gas o Money for household bills o Money for clothing, school supplies, etc.
Your Little’s parent continually asks you for rides before and/or after outings.
Your Little’s parent asks you to talk to your Little about a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your Little’s parent asks you to take your Little’s sibling(s) along on your activities.
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THE LIFE CYCLE OF A MATCH These stages are found in all relationships, and sometimes occur in a different order. You can be prepared to deal with these stages better if you are aware of them. Don’t let yourself get frustrated if your match doesn’t seem to be going as smoothly as you would hope. All relationships need time to grow.
The Honeymoon Stage (First few months) - You’re trying to impress each other and check each other out, so everything is rosy. Although your Little is thrilled and excited to know that you want to be a friend, he or she is very likely to feel quite shy and be difficult to get to know in the beginning. Be patient! Work at discussing topics your Little likes or knows a lot about, and praise him or her for sharing that with you. The Growth Stage (Up to about a year) – Your Little begins testing you, your boundaries and your trustworthiness. Be firm and dependable and set realistic expectations for yourself and your Little. Work on expanding your common interests, goals and beliefs. During this stage, your Little may act out but this is normal behavior. The Maturity Stage (After about a year) - You trust and like each other, and need less structured activities to have fun. The relationship is more equal. You can see your Little grow, change and achieve goals you have helped them set. During this stage you may feel you don’t need to contact BBBS as much. Please continue be in contact Match Support at least once a month! The Letting Go Stage --This needs to be handled sensitively and thoughtfully, so we do not add abandonment issues to the Little’s life. Rest assured that you have impacted him or her in many ways, and you will not be forgotten.
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TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART II
Answer the following questions. Try to do this without looking back at the text.
1. What are three “good” qualities or characteristics of a Big?
2. How can Bigs be positive role models and/or self-esteem builders for Littles? Give an example.
3. Why is it important to set boundaries between a Big and Little?
4. What would you say to your Little if he or she continuously used inappropriate language?
5. What are the four stages of the life cycle of a match?
Answers: 1. Positive, Dependable, Patient, Honest, etc. 2. By sharing your life, habits, hobbies, etc., with your Little; giving them continuous and sincere positive feedback. 3. To establish trust, define relationship, etc. 4. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of language or say ____ when you are with me.” 5. Honeymoon, Growth, Maturity, Letting Go.
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WAYS WE COMMUNICATE
Verbal – What we say
Paraverbal – Our tone of voice and how we say the words
Nonverbal – Our body language
Children and teenagers are much better at reading nonverbal and paraverbal cues than they are at listening to your words. Pay more attention to those cues when speaking to your Little than you would when speaking to an adult.
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USING REFLECTION SKILLS
Reflection of Content
Listening and restating the beliefs, opinions, events or facts of another person’s message.
Reflection of Feeling
Listening to and restating the emotions beneath a person’s message.
Purposes for Using Reflection
Reflection skills are actually listening skills, because you are demonstrating to your Little that he or she, and what is happening in his or her life, is important to you.
You are encouraging the Little to continue talking and sharing his or her thoughts, feelings and perspective on things.
You are making sure that what you heard is what the Little really meant by his or her statement.
Reflection keeps the focus of the conversation on the Little rather than on you, the Big.
Reflection prevents you from jumping in and solving your Little’s problems, interpreting or judging the Little.
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USING QUESTIONS WHEN COMMUNICATING Asking the right questions is a way to explore the actual meaning of what another person is saying. Purposes for Asking Questions
Asking questions is actually a listening skill, because you are showing your Little that he or she, and what is happening in his or her life, is important to you.
You are drawing out the details to make sure that you and your Little clearly understand them.
You are exploring the Little’s assumptions and conclusions to make sure they have valid foundations.
You are helping your Little define his or her feelings and emotions.
Questions allow you to elicit specific information from your Little and direct the topics of conversation. Always use a neutral tone of voice. Types of Questions Open-ended Questions - Encourage the person to use his or her own words and to elaborate on a topic. Closed Questions - Usually limit a person’s response to either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or to one or two words. Counterproductive Questions - These questions make people feel accused and defensive through the words you say or how you say them. Some examples: “Why did you do that and what were you thinking?” “Where did you go?” “Who were you with?” “What time did you get back?” “Why didn’t you call?” “Don’t you think those people look like idiots dancing like that?” “You liked that movie?” “Why did you go with him when you know he’s nothing but trouble?”
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COMMUNICATING WITH PARENTS Your primary relationship is always with your Little. However, your Little has a parent(s) or guardian(s) and they will also become part of your relationship. The vast majority of our Littles are referred to us by their parents/guardians. They have the courage and wisdom to recognize that a Big can offer their child something wonderful. Therefore, we have some suggestions for communicating with them:
Treat parents/guardians with respect and understanding. They may make mistakes and do things you don’t agree with, but they are doing the right thing by getting their child a Big like you.
Be aware of and sensitive to the home culture (how the family members relate to each other, how they live, how they decorate their home, etc.) Don’t make the Little feel ashamed of his or her family.
Don’t assume that the presence of material possessions negates your Little’s need for a Mentor. Expensive clothes and video games cannot take the place of a friendship with a caring Big.
Be aware of the family’s values and beliefs (religion, stance on homosexuality, political leanings, etc.) Don’t put down something that is present in the Little’s environment.
Our BBBS staff is your best resource! They conduct extensive interviews with both the parent/guardian and the Little and know them quite well. They can offer suggestions and resources and help solidify the relationships for the Little’s benefit. If you have questions or need assistance, please call Match Support at (404) 601-7038.
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TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART III PRACTICE EXERCISE DIRECTIONS: WRITE REFLECTIVE RESPONSES TO THE LITTLES’ STATEMENTS BELOW. THEN, ASK A QUESTION TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON. 1. “My mom doesn’t pay any attention to me. She spends all of her time with my two younger brothers. When we go to the store she buys everything for them. I wish I still believed in Santa Claus because then maybe I would get more presents but I saw my Uncle putting presents under the Christmas tree the night before Christmas, fortunately he did not see me. If he had seen me I would have gotten in a lot of trouble because I was up past my bedtime. One of the presents was a brand new truck. I really liked it but then my brother got one just like it so I quit playing with it because I did not want my brother to call me a copycat. “ Reflect: “So what you’re saying is
Ask a question:
2. “My two sisters told on me for eating some cookies before dinner. When we were grocery shopping, I wanted my sisters to buy some sugar cookies but instead they bought chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate chip cookies are just as good as sugar cookies except with sugar cookies you can decorate them with icing and sprinkles easier and they taste better. My teacher brings in sugar cookies around the holidays for the class to decorate and eat. I cannot believe my sisters told on me. I really hate both of them, and I am never going home again.” Reflect: “So what you’re saying is
Ask a question:
Answers: 1. Reflect: “So what you’re saying is your mom doesn’t pay attention to you because she spends all of her time with your younger brothers.” Question: “What do you mean when you say she buys everything for them, doesn’t she buy things for you too?” 2. Reflect: “So what you’re saying is your sisters told on you for eating cookies before dinner.” Question: Do you really hate your sisters or are you just angry with them?”
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STEPS TO GROWING YOUR FRIENDSHIP
Cultivating a friendship with your Little will be essential to achieving a long and healthy relationship. There are some proactive steps you can take to ensure success, which include identifying and overcoming mentoring blocks, creating an action plan, and adapting certain attributes and behaviors.
A mentoring block is anything that makes it difficult or impossible to be a great Big to your Little.
An action plan will keep you on track in key areas that will develop and sharpen your mentoring skills.
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OVERCOMING “BLOCKS” TO MENTORING Directions: Identify possible blocks you think you may encounter in your relationship with your Little. Then, work on finding solutions or ideas that deal with your blocks. Be creative!!! As a Big you always want to look at what possible blocks may inhibit you and brainstorm potential solutions. Blocks
Solution/Ideas Encourage your Little to ask you questions.
Example: Your Little is shy.
Ask your Little questions and encourage him or her to talk about the things that interest him or her.
Your Little does not have a phone or the phone is suddenly disconnected.
Call Match Support at (404) 601 – 7038. They may have an alternate or emergency contact number for your Little.
Your Little is overactive.
Keep your Little engaged in physical and “hands on” activities.
You have changed jobs and/or work hours.
Call Match Support at (404) 601 – 7038. Notify them of the changes. Coordinate new meeting times with your Little’s parent(s) that will work for you both.
You are running out of ideas for things to do together with your Little.
Refer to the lists of “Suggestions for Mentor and Mentee Activities” (pages 36-38) in the appendix of your Mentoring 411 Self-Study Guide.
Anything you can think of?
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ACTION PLAN
Mentoring is something that you will continue to practice. Part of your success as a mentor is having a plan. Use the worksheet below to create an action plan to keep you on track. Share your action plan with your Match Advisor to get additional input. Activity
Target Date(s)
Date(s) Completed
Attend additional trainings to improve my mentoring skills. The next available training date is _______ Read articles or search for books that will help me familiarize myself with youth behaviors. Schedule time with my Little on a monthly basis. Build relationships with other mentors so that I am able to network. Identify activities that are of interest to my Little and myself. Attend conference and speaking engagements to help build my knowledge on mentoring. Attend Big/Little events sponsored by Match Support. Call (404) 601-7038 for tickets and information. Additional: Additional:
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ATTRIBUTES OF EFFECTIVE BIGS
Be consistent and dependable
Have respect for individuals and their abilities and desires to make choices about their own lives
Have commitment to involvement with Littles for a sustained period of time (at least two years)
Have the ability to listen to and accept diverse points of view
Have the ability to empathize
Have the ability to solve problems and overcome barriers to problem solving
Be flexible and stable
Have the ability to establish and respect personal boundaries
Have the ability to express and receive affection, recognition and praise
Know when to ask for help
Have the ability to have fun
Have the ability to model healthy and responsible behavior
Have the desire to spend quality time with Littles
Have a positive, optimistic outlook
Have the ability to communicate effectively with Littles and their parent(s) or guardian(s)
Source: Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta, Inc., Atlanta, Georgia
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BEHAVIORS TO AVOID
Getting involved with the Little’s family in a capacity outside of the match (i.e. as accountant, broker, piano teacher, etc.). This can become awkward if the match ends or possibly even cause the match to end
Criticizing or passing judgment (i.e. Little’s past mistakes, family, friends, the Little himself or herself)
Prying into areas threatening or uncomfortable to the Little
Sharing too much about your own personal problems and doing so too often
Having your Little visit your home less than 6 months into the match
Interrupting
Having your Little spend the night with you less than 1 year into the match
Utilizing ‘should’ and ‘ought to’ statements
Punishing honesty
Disregarding or negating feelings (your own and your Little’s)
Setting unrealistic expectations
Solving problems for your Little
Missing or skipping time with your Little
Reaching personal burnout
Side stepping the tough questions and issues
Trying to be someone you’re not
Preparing your answer while your Little is talking
Jumping to conclusions too quickly or with limited information or feedback
Refusing to disagree with your Little’s behavior when you find it unhealthy or unacceptable
Source: Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta, Inc., Atlanta, Georgia
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TEACHABLE MOMENTS Just like you, your Little is not perfect. He or she will make a mistake sooner or later. Don’t get frustrated! This is a golden opportunity to teach your Little a better way to do, say or handle something. Begin with having realistic expectations of your Little. They are after all “little,” and may struggle with self-discipline, responsibility, remembering consequences, immaturity and the like. Consider their age, background and experiences. Take them where they are now, and move onward and upward from there. Use ‘slips’ as teachable moments with gentleness and patience. Explain why it was a mistake, and why it should and can be done differently. Don’t preach, but guide as a friend who cares about the Little and doesn’t want to see him or her hurt, frustrated or angry. Reassure them of unconditional love and support, no matter what they’ve done. Love them, not their actions in that moment. Be patient if at first they don’t respond very well to your gentle correction. Give your Little time to realize that you are showing him or her love by doing this.
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TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE – PART IV Fill in the blank:
1. A mentoring block is anything that makes it __________________to be a great Big to your Little.
2. Creating an ________ ______ will help keep you on track and help you develop and sharpen your mentoring skills.
3. The ability to ___________ and accept diverse points of view are attributes of effective Bigs.
4. Having your Little spend the night with you less than _____ ______ into the match is a behavior to avoid. 5. A golden opportunity to teach your Little a better way to do or say or handle something is called a ____________ __________.
6. A shy or overactive Little can become a __________ _______ for the Big.
Answers: 1. difficult or impossible 2. action plan 3. listen 4. three months 5. teachable moment 6. mentoring block
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WHAT’S NEXT? Now that you have read this self-study training manual, we have listed the next steps for you and the agency. Please note that you will be receiving periodic notification from the agency about where you are in the process.
For You: Make sure you contact your references and let them know that we will be contacting them. It only takes an average of 3-5 minutes to complete a reference check. Notify the agency of any changes in your work or home contact information so that we can get in touch with you about the match.
The Agency: We will interview you to get to know you better and learn what kind of Little you are looking for. We will interview potential parents and Littles. We will contact you when we have found a child that we think will be a good match for you. You will have the opportunity to accept (or not) the Little before we contact the family. We will set up a match meeting for you to meet the Little and his or her parent(s), and to sign the match agreement.
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These things will delay the matching process: Incorrect or incomplete information on your application. Inability to contact your references or not receiving completed reference forms. Having too many criteria for the Little, including a specific neighborhood or ethnicity. Not responding to agency contact. Canceling or missing interview and match meeting appointments.
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WORKING WITH MATCH SUPPORT A LETTER FROM THE MATCH SUPPORT TEAM Welcome to Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta! We are the Match Support Team and our primary purpose is to make your experience as a Big as rewarding and fulfilling as possible. The Match Support team consists of professionals who are available to answer questions, mediate concerns and facilitate individual and group activities. We are your resource to ensure a wonderful relationship with your Little. How It Works:
All newly matched volunteers will be contacted by the Match Support team within two weeks after the match meeting with your Little. We will ask questions about your experience and how we can assist you further. Some of those questions are as follows: 1. How is the match relationship? 2. How often are you able to see each other? 3. When was the last activity? What did you do? 4. What are the strengths of the match?
Volunteers will be in contact Match Support on a monthly basis throughout the first year of participation. The contact can be by phone, email or in person. Again, the emphasis will be on the Match Support Team facilitating a positive experience between you and your Little.
A variety of social and recreational events will be planned throughout the year. Some of these events will be for everyone to attend while others will be for the match or just for the Bigs. The goal of the latter is to give you an opportunity to meet and interact with others who are involved just like you.
Occasionally, a limited number of event tickets are donated to the organization for use by Bigs and Littles. You will be notified of the availability, usually by email, as far in advance as possible. The tickets are distributed on a first come, first served basis.
We will meet face to face with the Big, the Little and the parent on an annual basis and review the previous year’s experience and to set new goals for the coming year.
We have a bilingual English/Spanish staff person who is available to help you communicate with Spanishspeaking families.
How to Contact Us: Match Support Office: Fax number: Email Address:
(404) 601-7038 (404) 601-7002
[email protected]
Please do not hesitate to contact us to answer any question or address any concern. You are not alone and the resources of Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Atlanta are dedicated to helping you make a positive difference in the life of a child. We thank you for your service and look forward to working with you. Sincerely, The Match Support Team
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MATCH CLOSURES Our aim is to provide the families and volunteers in our programs with a fulfilling and magical experience. Therefore, we have developed guidelines for parents, children and volunteers, to ensure that everyone is working as a team for the benefit of the child. Failure to follow these guidelines could result in the closure of a match.
Bigs: Any kind of inappropriate behavior or speech towards the Little, the parent(s) or family of the Little Failure to stay in regular contact with the agency and the Little Failure to abide by the agency’s program policies Criminal conviction during the match Parental or Little’s request for the match to be closed
Littles: Failure to stay in regular contact with the Big and the agency Repeatedly lying to parent(s), Big and/or agency about the match Ongoing attempts to sabotage the match relationship Repeated failure to follow the Big’s directions while on outings Violent or aggressive behavior Development of serious behavioral issues that require continuous professional assistance Lack of desire to be part of the match
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Parents: Failure to stay in regular contact with the Big and the Agency Getting romantically involved with or showing inappropriate behavior towards the Big Repeated requests for favors and/or money from the Big Falsifying information requested by BBBS staff Development of serious family or household issues that require continuous professional intervention Request from the Big or Little to close the match
In the interests of the children we serve, BBBS reserves the right to close any match at any time for confidential reasons.
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SELF-STUDY GUIDE ASSESSMENT Please take a moment to complete this assessment. After you have completed the assessment, please read and sign the acknowledgement at the bottom of the page and return it to the Enrollment Specialist at the time of your interview. Thank you!
1. BBBS of Metro Atlanta was founded in 1960.
True
False
2. Bigs must see their Little at least four times per month.
True
False
3. It’s okay to help your Little’s parent pay their bills one time.
True
False
4. MCP stands for Managing Children of Pedestrians.
True
False
5. Match support will contact you 1x a month for the first year of your match.
True
False
6. An unreliable mentor has a better impact on a child than no mentor at all.
True
False
7. Why is it important to set boundaries between a Big and Little?
8. If a little’s parent asks you for a favor, like money for gas, a ride to the store, or to bring another sibling along on your outings, how would you handle the situation?
9. A mentoring block is anything that makes it __________________to be a great Big to your Little. 10. The ability to ___________ and accept diverse points of view are attributes of effective Bigs. 11. Having your Little spend the night with you less than ______ _____ into the match is a behavior to avoid. 12. If your little’s overactive, keep them engaged in _____________ and _______________ activities.
I HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE that I have received a copy of the “Mentoring 411” self-study guide and have been urged to read and use the guide.
_____________________ Print Name
___________________________________
____________________
Volunteer’s Signature
Date
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APPENDIX
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SUGGESTIONS FOR MENTOR AND MENTEE ACTIVITIES RECREATIONAL 27. Go on a camera scavenger hunt. Make a list of things to photograph and let the Little take the pictures 28. Tape record a message to send to relatives far away 29. Finger paint with different colors and flavors of pudding 30. Make mini-pizzas from English muffins 31. Make Jello Jigglers 32. Make maracas and other instruments by covering light bulbs and balloons with paper mache. When dry, gently break the bulb or pop the balloon, fill and decorate the mold 33. Have a yard sale, or go yard sale shopping 34. Watch planes take off and land at the airport 35. Roast pumpkin seeds in the oven 36. Order “Sea Monkeys” or Chia Pets and watch them grow 37. Skip rocks on water 38. Copy each other’s hand on a copier machine 39. Make a list of all the things you’d do with a $10 million dollar lottery win 40. Teach your pet a new trick together 41. Build a house of cards 42. Rent a bicycle for two and go for a long ride with a picnic 43. Visit a hospital and look at the babies in the nursery 44. Have a picnic in the living room on a rainy day and watch a movie 45. Rearrange the furniture in your home or his/her room 46. Visit a coffee shop or café and sip hot chocolate while playing a board game 47. Make up a story together, alternating lines 48. Feed the ducks at the park
1. Make a scrapbook of everything you do together, with tickets stubs, pictures, menus, etc. 2. Take art, photography or dance classes (try local community schools) 3. Plant a garden or herbs/bulbs in pots 4. Play sports or join a team together 5. Attend each other’s sports games 6. Play board and card games 7. Build a bird or doghouse (Home Depot offers children’s workshops free) 8. Go to college/professional sports games 9. Visit local and state parks 10. Go to amusement parks and arcades 11. Go to community festivals 12. Do some outdoor activities (hiking, camping, biking, nature walks) and collect interesting souvenirs or make leaf rubbings 13. Write a screenplay or make a mini-movie 14. Go on a scavenger hunt 15. Make crafts like holiday cards and jewelry (JoAnn’s offers children’s workshops free) 16. Have lunch with mentee at school 17. Go shopping in a secondhand store for dress-up clothes 18. Make a collage of both your lives using magazine pictures, photos, scraps etc. 19. Make giant soap bubbles 20. Go through your old yearbook together 21. Paint or tie-dye an original T-shirt or make matching ones 22. Make dried potpourri from dried flowers, flower petals, pine cones, etc. 23. Make a list of everyone who loves and values each of you 24. Explore the attic together 25. Paint a special message for the Little’s parent(s) on a wooden cutting board 26. Make a calendar of important events during the year for the Little.
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EDUCATIONAL 1. Learn a foreign language 2. Visit Little’s future middle or high school (go see a sports event there) 3. Help Little with homework 4. Work on a science or social studies fair project 5. Read the newspaper together and share about current events 6. Start a book club 7. Practice letter writing 8. Take a computer class together 9. Write movie reviews 10. Apply for a library card 11. Explore the Internet 12. Visit local and university libraries 13. Visit science and history museums, and historical sites 14. Visit college campuses 15. Interview someone in the Little’s field of interest 16. Make word games at www.puzzlemaker.com 17. Look up new words in the dictionary and play games with them
18. Write a family newsletter for friends and relatives 19. Make a bug cage and catch and identify interesting bugs 20. Learn to program a computer 21. Let the Little teach you the latest computer games, and get a ‘tip magazine’ to read together 22. Find your names in a book to learn what they mean 23. Walk around the house and the yard/park with a magnifying glass to examine all kinds of little things 24. Read books to each other and tape record it 25. Visit a farm and milk cows 26. Visit a music store and learn about different kinds of instruments 27. Assemble a model or bookcase 28. Learn to play pool together or to rollerblade 29. Create and paint pottery pieces at ‘do-ityourself’ ceramic studios
LIFE SKILLS 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.
1. Cook a full meal together (make it a surprise for the Little’s parent(s)!) 2. Learn how to balance a checkbook 3. Set up and follow a budget for your activities together 4. Set up a savings account 5. Do a mock job interview 6. Role-play meeting new people 7. Set short-term and long-term goals 8. Look through the classifieds and identify jobs of interest 9. Take your Little to work 10. Learn CPR or first aid together
16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
Shop for groceries Wash car or organize a car wash for charity Complete home improvements Go apartment or house hunting Make and paint a stencil around the walls of a room Paint an old piece of furniture Have a Monopoly tournament and try to let your Little buy Park Place and Boardwalk Take turns styling each other’s hair Learn to sew something simple Look through books/magazines of house plans and plan your dream homes
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CULTURAL ACTIVITIES 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
Visit art galleries Listen to different types of music Go to the opera or symphony Watch and read plays Go to concerts See the ballet and other dance performances Visit international restaurants Go to cultural festivals Visit communities of different cultural backgrounds Go to an airplane or military show
CIVIC ACTIVITIES 1. Coordinate neighborhood activities and improvement projects 2. Volunteer at animal shelters, libraries, parks, elder care facilities, or with Habitat for Humanity, Special Olympics, Meals on Wheels etc. 3. Review political platforms of candidates 4. Go together to the voting booth on Election Day 5. Join a local or civic organization 6. Work on a political campaign 7. Write a letter to a local or state politician 8. Start a petition to make a change in the neighborhood 9. Start a recycling program in the neighborhood or at school
TRAVEL GAMES 1. Play ‘20 Questions’ 2. Count the number of states you can find on license plates 3. Play a memory game starting “I’m going on a trip and I’m taking…” by using the letters of the alphabet (an aardvark, a ball, a cook, etc); each person has to name all the items in order before adding one 4. Thumb wrestle at stoplights 5. Share about your favorite things 6. Play ‘I Spy’ 7. Name as many words as you can that rhyme 8. Compose a rap song about your trip 9. Play ‘Rock, Scissors, Paper’ 10. Play ‘Word Association’ by one of you saying a word and the other saying the first word that pops into their heads 11. Find each letter on the alphabet on license plates, racing to see who gets to ‘Z’ first 12. Pick a kind or color of car and whoever spots more gets to pick the restaurant or activity for the day 13. Add the first and last number on license plates to see who gets to exactly “59” first; if you go over you have to start again at zero.
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PLACES TO VISIT OUTDOORS
INDOORS
Fernbank Museum Oakland Cemetery Fernbank Science Center Stone Mountain Park Tour 88.5 WRAS (Georgia State On The Air) Calloway Gardens The Little White House Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area The Center for Puppetry Arts Piedmont Park Cyclorama Atlanta Botanical Gardens Babyland General Hospital Kennesaw Mountain National Battlefield Park Callanwolde Lake Lanier Islands The High Museum of Folk Art and Photography Lake Lanier Stables The High Museum of Art Cherokee Batting Range and Grand Prix TULA Art Center Howard Finster’s Paradise Garden New Visions Gallery Zoo Atlanta Atlanta Photography Gallery Lullwater Park Kiang Gallery Amicalola Falls State Park Altanta Museum of International Art and Design Atlanta State Farmers’ Market Underground Atlanta Atlanta Heritage Row, above Underground Martin Luther King Jr. Center Spelman College Morehouse College Atlanta Preservation Center The World of Coke Jimmy Carter Library and Museum Atlanta History Center Georgia Governor’s Mansion Wren’s Nest (home of Uncle Remus author Joel Chandler Harris) Margaret Mitchell House Road to Tara Museum Fox Theatre CNN Center DeKalb International Farmer’s Market Georgia State Capitol Lenox Square and Phipps Plaza
RESOURCES TO FIND EVENTS AND ACTIVITIES THE ROBERTO C. GOIZUETA MENTORING INSTITUTEBIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF METRO ATLANTA
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The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Arts Leisure section, Friday through Sunday Access Atlanta website www.accessatlanta.com In the top left corner choose links Completely Free Events and Cheap Restaurants Choose the Events link, then A-list then Kids or any of the other links (you can also have this emailed to you each week for free) Choose the Sports/Recreation, Movies, Restaurants links City Search http://atlanta.citysearch.com Type free sights in the search bar, and then at the bottom of the page find the link Free Atlanta The Atlanta Convention & Visitors Bureau www.atlanta.net Choose the See and Do link (left side), then from the drop-down menu choose Attractions and Day Trips Choose the Arts & Culture link, and then any of the listed links in the drop down menu Atlanta Parent www.atlantaparent.com Choose the link Monthly Calendar on the left side of the screen, and then Ongoing Events or any of the listed links Creative Loafing www.atlanta.creativeloafing.com Choose any event link from the list on the right
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