The Single Life: The Secrets of Fulfillment
The longing to be cherished, valued and appreciated is basic to every human soul. Most people look for that sense of completion and fulfillment in a mate. Whether that mate is a “life partner” of the same sex, a string of affairs with no lasting commitment, or a relationship with a member of the same sex, the driving urge behind all such relationships is the desire to find someone who really accepts, loves and appreciates one for him- or herself. Movies, novels and popular music all contribute to the belief that unless you are joined to the “Love of your life,” you are incomplete and, consequently, incapable of true happiness. Songs such as “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,”1 “I’m Saving All My Love (For You),”2 “Endless Love”3 and more, focus on “romantic love.” Multitudes are led to believe that if they don’t have a human partner that makes them feel the allconsuming, passionate emotions expressed in the song, their life is somehow lacking. These feelings can be especially intense among singles. This desire for oneness with another who understands, loves and accepts you for who and what you are (as well as for who and what you are not!) was implanted by the Creator Himself. It is a very important part of being truly happy and content because we were created with the need to have that relationship with another. The problem is, Satan has led many to look for that relationship in the wrong place, with the wrong “other.” The apostle Paul clearly warned against such error:
Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to [Yahushua]. For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power. (Colossians 2:8-10) To be “complete” means to have your needs and desires fully and completely satisfied. Being complete is what everyone longs for. According to the Scriptures, however, any belief or teaching that leads you to believe that you will find completion and fulfillment in anyone other than the Saviour, is a “tradition of men” full of “empty deceit” that will only “cheat you.” The truth is, only Yahushua can meet the longing of the human heart for love, acceptance and understanding in another. The only soothing balm for the loneliness experienced by everyone (singles and marrieds alike) is a close, intimate relationship with Him. It’s very difficult for human beings to accept this simple yet powerful truth. Why? Because the vain philosophies of the world have invaded every realm of teaching, even the spiritual realm. These philosophies are powerful because they originate with the father of lies (Satan). They are popular because Satan’s lies appeal to our natural (human) reasoning, feelings, and desires. Spiritual truth does not have this advantage. In 1 Cor. 2:14 we are told: But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of [Yah]: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. Spiritual truth seems foolish to our natural minds because it is radically different from the vain philosophies and traditional teachings of this world. The more meaningful or powerful the truth, the more radically it departs from the teachings and philosophies of this world, and the more foolish that truth seems to our natural minds.4
Society and the popular media all contribute to the belief that without a human mate, such fulfillment is impossible to experience. The longing for oneness with another makes singles hesitate to find that fulfillment in their Maker. We have become so indoctrinated in the belief that completion can only come fromanother human, that many fear an intimate relationship with Yahuwah cannot meet all the needs singles face. However, contradictory as it may seem, Scripture reveals that only the Creator is capable of fulfilling every area of one’s life. Singles longing for completion and oneness with another will find it in the same place married people find it: in Yahuwah alone. This is difficult for most people to grasp and yet if one is to experience the contentment of oneness, it must be accepted by faith “because the foolishness of [Yahuwah] is wiser than men, and the weakness of [Yahuwah] is stronger than men.” (1 Corinthians 1:25) One man described the paradox between spiritual reality and Satan’s lies well when he wrote of Yahushua’s display of Yahuwah’s wisdom: It seems I've imagined Him all of my life As the wisest of all of mankind. But if [Yah’s] holy wisdom is foolish to men, He must have seemed out of His mind. For even His family said He was mad. And the priests said a demon's to blame. But [Yah] in the form of this “angry” young man Could not have seemed perfectly sane. When we in our foolishness thought we were wise, He played the fool and He opened our eyes. When we in our weakness believed we were strong, He became helpless to show we were wrong.5 The hesitation to accept that Yahuwah can provide everything one needs to be complete and fulfilled is because the two areas that singles commonly struggle with the most are 1) loneliness and, 2) sexual passions. It does not make sense to human wisdom that Yahuwah could fulfill these areas. These are such “human” struggles. How could Yah provide fully for a woman’s loneliness for companionship? How could He satisfy a man’s sexual desires? Lack of faith that Yahuwah will do what He has promised has resulted in many unhappy marriages. Many people “settle” for a less-than-ideal partner simply because the drive to satisfy these two areas is so strong that they do not believe (or even know) that Yahuwah can provide for these two areas as well.
Loneliness Let’s face it: if it were not for loneliness, most people would prefer to live alone. You would not have to be responsible for anyone else’s needs or respectful of their differences. You could eat when you wanted, decorate
as you wished, spend your money and your time how you liked – all without conferring with someone else. You could do what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it. But, the need to feel loved demands that we establish an intimate relationship with a significant other so the pain and emptiness of loneliness will end. Now, the world’s philosophy teaches us that any relationship with any significant other is acceptable as long as it seems to solve the problem of loneliness, and when or if one realizes that relationship does not solve the problem of loneliness, one should feel free to end that relationship and find one that does. Traditionally, the Christian church has taught a more radical approach to solving the problem of loneliness. The church agrees that loneliness is a problem that must be solved by being in a relationship with a significant other . . . However, the church usually adds some biblical guidelines that make it much more restrictive than the world’s philosophy concerning that relationship. Traditionally, the church has taught that the only acceptable relationship is marriage (Genesis 2:24), and the only acceptable significant other is one of the opposite sex (Genesis 1:27; 2:23).6 The fact is that marriage does not provide the fulfillment and completion for which the human heart longs. The belief that an intimate relationship with another human being can provide the longed-for fulfillment is such a deeply engrained human philosophy that many people, when confronted with the realities of unhappy marriages, still cling to the belief that their marriage would be different – if they could just find the right partner. It is a lie too many tell themselves that “My husband/wife would not treat me that way. I would not marry a man/woman who did!” However, the truth is that people have the Yah-given right of freedom of choice. A marriage partner that seems so perfect in one’s 20’s may, fifteen to twenty years later, have developed a character, through personal choice, that is very different from what was presented when he or she was young. There are three kinds of loneliness: 1) loneliness before marriage; 2) loneliness in marriage; and, 3) loneliness after marriage. The only difference between loneliness before marriage and loneliness after marriage is that the loneliness in marriage makes one realize that marriage to a human partner does not alleviate loneliness. On the contrary, you can actually feel even lonelier in a marriage, when the glaring differences between what you think should be and what actually is, are much closer to home. Too often marriage becomes a mockery of all the dreams one had before marriage. The only relationship that satisfies all the heart longings of the human soul is the personal relationship each individual has with the Saviour. Only He can meet your needs, love you unconditionally, support your dreams and aspirations, accept you for who you are (and
who you are not), and help you grow to be the real person you were created to be. Only oneness with your Maker will meet the loneliness of the heart. Yahushua explained His mission: “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) People, especially women, who have never married are often tempted to feel incomplete as though true happiness has eluded them. The longing to experience married love, the desire to share sexual intimacy, the yearning to have a child, can overshadow the many joys that do exist in one’s life. It is a tragic mistake for anyone to pine away the years of his or her life, longing for what he or she has never had. Feelings are the result of thoughts. The mind does not automatically judge whether our feelings are right or wrong. The feelings are simply the outflow of our thoughts. If a single person dwells on feelings of inadequacy and rejection, it is an open invitation to Satan to come in and torment with regrets and longings. The gift of Yahuwah is a fulfillment through companionship and joy in and with Him. This fulfillment is something this sinful world can never supply. It is far more real than anything experienced with a human mate. Yahuwah has provided the answer for every need experienced by the creatures He has made. The need to sustain the life given has been met by the food, water and air Yahuwah created. The need for music has been met by the songs sung by the birds. The need for mental stimulation is supplied by the many wonders of Yah’s creation, and the deep truths recorded in His Word which will provide food for study throughout the ceaseless ages of eternity! Your Yahcreated need for an intimate relationship with another can only be fulfilled by the Creator as well. The Bible reveals just how you can experience completeness and fulfillment in your life, enabling you to enjoy a richly rewarding life as a single: you must put first things first. “Seek ye first the kingdom of [Yah], and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:33, KJV) The pain of loneliness is only a symptom that our need to feel loved and significant is not being met adequately. The less adequately this need is met, the more we feel the pain of loneliness. When we put first things first [Yahuwah] is not only able to satisfy this need with His miraculous grace, He is also able to satisfy this need through intimate relationships with other human beings. Our hunger to obtain righteousness allows the Holy Spirit to fill our spirit with the unconditional love of [Yahushua] (the unconditional love of [Yahushua] is nothing less than
[Yah’s] agape love). This love is so satisfying and fulfilling that we are compelled to share it with others. As we share this unconditional love of [Yahushua] with others who are receptive, our spirit bonds with their spirit and we form intimate spiritual relationships. . . . Putting first things first allows singles to experience the joy married couples receive from an intimate relationship with another human being. Many people erroneously think that the joy of that intimacy is received through sexual intercourse, but such is not the case. The intimacy that brings joy to a married couple is formed by the Spirit of [Yah] in their spirit. This causes them to be joined at a much deeper level than that of the flesh. Unless they enjoy the intimacy of spirit to spirit, sexual intercourse brings no real joy nor lasting satisfaction. The lack of this understanding has caused many marriages to end in divorce and many more to continue in name only.7 Yahuwah created the need in your heart to desire an intimate relationship with another. The philosophy of man, instigated by Satan, has led many to seek that in another human. However, only in your Creator will you find that need fulfilled. Accept by faith that He who has made you also has the ability to provide for you – even the need for a oneness with another that will answer the heart cries of loneliness.
Sexual Passions Humans were created to enjoy a sexual relationship with a life-partner of the opposite sex. Because of this, many singles never stop to realize that Yahuwah can fulfill this area of their lives as well. Those who do stop to contemplate the possibility usually hesitate to fully surrender this area of their life to Yahuwah because of the fear that they will become abnormal or even lose all of their sexual passions if they allow Him to satisfy their sexual desire. This is linked to the like-fear that if they allow Yahuwah to satisfy the pain of their loneliness, they will never get married. Such fears are completely unfounded. These doubts and fears come from Satan. You were created to have sexual passions and desires. The problem is that sin has perverted what [Yahuwah] gave us and has made us slaves to our sexual passions. When we surrender these passions to the control of the Holy Spirit daily and allow [Yahushua] to satisfy them, He sets us free from the enslavement. This freedom does not take away our sexual passions; it simply restores the control we had over them when [Yah] created us. This renewed control allows us to enjoy satisfaction without having to become sexually involved with someone [Yahuwah] has not seen fit to join us to in marriage.
This brings us to the second fear which is, “I will never get married if I allow [Yahushua] to deal with my loneliness.” The rationale for this fear is, “If I allow [Yahushua] to satisfy my loneliness by meeting my need to feel loved and significant and satisfying my sexual desires, [Yahuwah] will never choose to satisfy these needs through marriage.” Nothing could be further from the truth; [Yahuwah] is the one that instituted marriage. However, [Yah] did not institute marriage for the reasons we think. We think that [Yahuwah] instituted marriage to satisfy our needs and sexual desires by receiving love from another human being, but [Yah] instituted marriage to satisfy our needs and sexual desires by giving and/or sharing His love with another human being. As a result of sharing His love with someone else we feel His love more deeply and our needs and desires, even the ones that pertain to sex, are more satisfied. In order for marriage to accomplish this we must surrender daily to the control of the Holy Spirit and allow [Yahushua] to make us complete. Therefore, only those who allow [Yahushua] to satisfy their needs and desires are ready to accomplish the purpose for which [Yahuwah] instituted marriage.8 Full surrender to Yahuwah will never make you less of a man or less of a woman. Rather, you will become more fully masculine or more completely feminine as your Creator removes the weakening effects of sin and restores you to the full stature of true men and women in Yahushua. None need fear that if they fully surrender their loneliness and their sexual desires to Yahuwah, that He will keep them single. Yahuwah created the institution of marriage! The Creator Himself stated: “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Genesis 2:18) There is one reason and one reason only that Yahuwah would not make you “one flesh” with another human being. That reason is simple: because it is impossible for Him to find someone with whom to join you. Yes, there are billions of individuals in the world, but not all of them would make you happy and fulfilled in the sense in which Yahuwah intended a marriage relationship to be. A committed Christian who marries a mate that is not as fully committed to Yahuwah will find that they have a marriage and a home where the shadows are never lifted. The baleful effects will reap a harvest of sorrow their entire lives, as they see the negative influence affecting the spiritual lives of their children and, through them, their grandchildren. If you long to be married, find your fulfillment in your Creator and trust in Him to bring you the right mate if there is one available. Never run ahead of your Elohim and marry someone just to fulfill your desires. You will find that such actions will lead only to disillusionment, pain and sorrow.
The desire for completion and fulfillment, the loneliness and pain when one is not in a cherishing, nurturing relationship, leads too many to look for it in another human when the truth is, only your Creator can meet those needs. The gracious invitation has been extended: Come unto Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden light. (Matthew 11:28-30) This promise is not just for sin. It is for any burden that weighs on your heart and affects your happiness. Trust Yahuwah. He that made you, knows just what you need to bring you happiness, fulfillment and a rich, rewarding life. Oh, taste and see that Yahuwah is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear Yahuwah, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; but those who seek Yahuwah shall not lack any good thing. (See Psalm 34:8-10.)
Michael Bolton and Douglas T. James
M. Masser and Gerry Goffin
Gregory L. Jackson, How Surrender Makes Marriage Happier, Divorce a Blessing, The Single Life Fulfilling, pp. 151-152, bold original, italics supplied. The authors are grateful for the research of Mr. Jackson, which has provided a basis for this article. 5
Michael Card, “God’s Own Fool.”
Jackson, op. cit., pp. 152-153, emphasis original.
Ibid., pp. 170-171.
Ibid., pp. 172-173, emphasis original.