&
Ca r e Di s c i pl e s hi p LeaderHandbook
i bcd
Care And Discipleship Handbook volume 1.1
Care & Discipleship Training
Welcome to the Care and Discipleship Course! This material has been designed for people who have a passion to see believers equipped to disciple and counsel one another with the Word of God. Whether you are an individual seeking to better equip yourself to serve the body, a church leader looking for a way to train up members of your congregation, or a group of people with a vision to cultivate an atmosphere of one-another care in your own local church, this course will be a valuable tool for you. The Care and Discipleship Course offers a variety of materials which will assist you in completing Levels 1 and 2 of the Care and Discipleship Certification process. It is composed of 38 sessions ranging from foundational principles to key counseling issues. The CDC Handbook contains complete outlines of each session, in addition to lists of additional helpful resources. All texts have been specifically tailored to accompany the video series. It also perfectly supplements the audio series, which is available for free on IBCD’s website. The Care and Discipleship Leader’s Handbook is designed to assist those who are leading others through the course. While the basic content is the same, it includes special sections to provide you with practical helps to facilitate discussion, as well as indications of appropriate times to do so. The Student Handbook contains the same content, but the discussion sections are not included.
Section 1: Sessions 1-20 This introduction to biblical counseling is designed to develop an understanding of how the sufficiency of Scripture impacts how to view life’s struggles, especially in relation to psychology. It also explores the general principles involved in biblical counseling and how to practically apply them in specific situations including anger, conflict, depression, fear, and temptation.
Section 2: Sessions 21-38 This material builds on the foundation laid in Level 1, but focuses specifically on biblical views of marriage and parenting and how to deal with common problems in these areas. The intricacies of the mind/body issues in biblical counseling are also explored, especially regarding the use of psychotropic drugs. The course concludes with teaching on understanding God’s will.
Section 3: Helps for Biblical Counselors The third section of the Care and Discipleship Handbook contains a variety of practical helps for those currently counseling, as well as those seeking certification. For an even more extensive list of resources, including homework assignments, additional outlines, articles and other resources as well as the most updated certification forms, please visit the website at http://www.ibcd.org.
Course Components As you work through the Handbook you will become familiar with several icons that have been implemented to assist you in navigating through the various aspects of the curriculum and the resources we have to offer you for each topic. Below is a list of each with a description:
Videos Marks which video session (or audio track) corresponds to each outline.
Audios Indicates helpful audios that can be referred to for further study on a given topic. These audios can be found on the website and are also embedded on each DVD (to be accessed with a computer).
Books Indicates suggested books for further study.
Booklets Indicates suggested booklets and pamphlets for further reading.
Supplemental Resources Indicates other helpful homework resources, outlines and handouts that are available to you on our website.
Discussion Sections The Leader’s Guide includes discussion boxes with helpful questions to facilitate the course with a group. We understand that every group setting has its own time contraints, so we have timestamped each discussion section during logical breaks in the flow of the material rather than in uniform time segments. This allows for leaders to plan when they want to break each session and gives them flexiblity regarding the discussion of the material.
The IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification (CDC) is designed to help churches develop one another care in the life of their own local congregations. All the material can be studied individually or as part of a group. Each level can be audited for free, or you may choose to complete the required paperwork and payment to receive certification from IBCD for each level.
Level 1 The first level of the certification process involves five steps. 1) Complete Section 1 of the Care & Discipleship Course. 2) Take the 10 question, open note, open Bible exam for Level 1. 3) Listen to any 3 electives from IBCD’s messages on specific counseling issues. Any messages on the website, other than those in the Care & Discipleship Course, count as electives. 4) Request an interview with a church leader who deals with pastoral care and complete the CDC interview form. 5) Complete and submit the application form to the IBCD Office.
Level 2 The second level of the certification process involves five steps. 1) Complete Section 2 of the Care & Discipleship Course. 2) Take the 10 question, open note, open Bible exam for Level 2. 3) Listen to any 3 electives from IBCD’s messages on specific counseling issues. Any messages on the website, other than those in the Care & Discipleship Course, count as electives. 4) Request an interview with a church leader who deals with pastoral care and complete the CDC interview form. 5) Complete and submit the application form to the IBCD Office.
Level 3 This final level is aimed at the integration and development of all that has been covered in Levels 1 and 2. Level three of the certification process involves four steps. 1) Read and submit a response paper for two texts: The Peacemaker by Ken Sande and Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul Tripp. 2) Observe 10 hours of counseling with a NANC certified biblical counselor. If you are unable to do this live through IBCD, DVDs are available to complete this requirement. 3) Request an interview with a church leader who deals with pastoral care and complete the CDC interview form. 4) Complete and submit the application form to the IBCD office.
To learn more visit: www.ibcd.org/cdc
We believe that certification from the National Association of Nouthetic Counelors (NANC) is a very helpful process for individuals pursuing biblical counseling training, and it is incredibly beneficial to the local church. All of the training in IBCD Care & Discipleship Levels 1-3 has been designed to assist people in pursuing NANC Certification. We have found that many people who are first being introduced to biblical counseling are not immediately ready to pursue the rigors of the NANC process. The CDC program breaks the NANC process into smaller steps with certifications along the way to indicate overall progress. One who has completed CDC Levels 1-3 will find himself very prepared to continue the final steps required to receive NANC Certification if desired. Those seeking NANC Certification from the start do not need to take the CDC Course to become certified. IBCD’s CDC material, however, can be used to meet NANC’s requirements. Here is a description of how the CDC Course can be used toward NANC Certification:
Phase 1.1 of NANC Certification is to complete a Basic Training Course. The IBCD CDC Level 1 and Level 2 material is an approved Basic Training Course. Watching all of Levels 1 and 2 on DVD or listening to it on mp3 meets this Phase 1.1 requirement. You do not have to do the CDC assignments for NANC, nor do you have to communicate with IBCD that you are using our course. Your completion of the material is indicated when you fill out the NANC application, and it can be done as follows: NANC certified agency where Basic Training Course was completed: NANC Certified Agency: IBCD Date: dates you listened to/watched the material City: your city State: your state Instructors: Jim Newheiser, Laura Hendrickson Name of course taken: IBCD Care & Discipleship Course Phase 1.2 of NANC Certification is to complete a minimum of 10 hours of counseling observation of a NANC certified counselor. This is also a requirement of CDC Level 3. Phase 1.3 of NANC Certification is a reading requirement of 1,000 pages from the Approved Reading List. CDC Level 3 requires you to complete a total of 500 pages of reading from two books on the NANC Approved Reading List, The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, and Instrucments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul Tripp. The remaining NANC requirements to be fulfilled by the individual are: Phase 1.3 - finish an additional 500 pages of reading Phase 2 - Exams and Application Phase 3 - Supervision Counseling More information on NANC Certification can be found at www.nanc.org/Certification
I would like to give thanks to those who have spent many hours making the material in this handbook as helpful as possible - Christina, Jackie, Pat, and Craig. I pray that God’s people are blessed through your labors. Jim Newheiser June 2013
Table Of Contents Section 1: Sessions 1-20 Fundamentals What Is Biblical Counseling Part 1 (CDC 1) ........................................................................................................1 What Is Biblical Counseling Part 2 (CDC 2) ........................................................................................................7 What Is Biblical Counseling Part 3 (CDC 3) ......................................................................................................11 Methodology General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1 (CDC 4) ..............................................................................17 General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2 (CDC 5) ..............................................................................23 General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3 (CDC 6) ..............................................................................29 Practice How Do People Change Part 1 (CDC 7) .............................................................................................................37 How Do People Change Part 2 (CDC 8) .............................................................................................................43 Theology and Biblical Counseling (CDC 9) .......................................................................................................49 Peacemaking Part 1 (CDC 10) ................................................................................................................................53 Peacemaking Part 2 (CDC 11) ................................................................................................................................59 Peacemaking Part 3 (CDC 12) ................................................................................................................................65 Grace When Things Are Hard (CDC 13) ............................................................................................................71 Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart (CDC 14) ........................................................79 Biblical Counseling: Depression (CDC 15) ........................................................................................................91 Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety (CDC 16) .......................................................................................105 Biblical Counseling: Fear (CDC 17) ..................................................................................................................115 Temptation Part 1 (CDC 18) ...............................................................................................................................127 Temptation Part 2 (CDC 19) ...............................................................................................................................137 Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture (CDC 20) ................................................................151
Section 2: Sessions 21-38 Marriage Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven (CDC 21) .....................................................................161 Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage (CDC 22) ....................................................................171 How to Change Your Husband (CDC 23) ........................................................................................................181 How to Change Your Wife (CDC 24) ...............................................................................................................191 Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication(CDC 25) ..................................197
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs(CDC 26) .....................................207 From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms Our Sexuality Part 1 (CDC 27) .....................................215 From Idol to Blessing : How Grace Transforms Our Sexuality Part 2 (CDC 28) .....................................227 Counseling in Cases of Separation, Divorce and Remarriage (CDC 29) ...................................................235 Medicine The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling (CDC 30) ..............................................................................251 Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling (CDC 31) ...............................................................................261 Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders (CDC 32) ......................................................................................................271 Parenting Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 1(CDC 33) .......................................................................................279 Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2 (CDC 34) ......................................................................................287 But My Child Is Different! (CDC 35) ...............................................................................................................295 Dealing With Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices (CDC 36) .............................303 You Never Stop Being A Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children (CDC 37) ............................................317 The Will of God Knowing God’s Will (CDC 38) ...........................................................................................................................339
Section 3: Helps for Biblical Counselors Appendix 1: IBCD Counseling Resources ......................................................................................................359 (Approximately) 100 “Go to” Texts for Biblical Counseling ..........................................................................361 The Use of Audio Resources in Counseling ........................................................................................................367 Homework Assignments ........................................................................................................................................369 Counselor’s Notes ....................................................................................................................................................371 Observer’s Organizer ...............................................................................................................................................372 Welcome to IBCD ...................................................................................................................................................373 How to Get the Most Our of Your Counseling .................................................................................................374 Consent to Counseling ...........................................................................................................................................375 Confidentiality Policy .............................................................................................................................................376 PDI ..............................................................................................................................................................................379 Appendix 2: CDC Documents ............................................................................................................................383 Level 1 Exam .............................................................................................................................................................385 Level 1 Leader Interview .........................................................................................................................................387 Level 1 Application ..................................................................................................................................................389 Level 2 Exam .............................................................................................................................................................393
Level 2 Leader Interview ........................................................................................................................................395 Level 2 Application ..................................................................................................................................................397 Level 3 Required Reading Form ...........................................................................................................................401 Level 3 Counseling Observation Form ...............................................................................................................403 Level 3 Counseling Observation Log ..................................................................................................................404 Level 3 Leader Interview ........................................................................................................................................405 Level 3 Application ..................................................................................................................................................407 Appendix 3: NANC Documents ........................................................................................................................411 Overview - Three Phases of NANC Certification ............................................................................................413 FAQ and Instructions .............................................................................................................................................416 Statement of Faith ....................................................................................................................................................422 Sample Schedule for Completing Certification in One Year .........................................................................423 Application Packet Checklist ................................................................................................................................424 Application ................................................................................................................................................................425 Observation Log .......................................................................................................................................................429 Approved Reading List ...........................................................................................................................................430 Reading Log ..............................................................................................................................................................431 Theology Exam .........................................................................................................................................................432 Counselor’s Exam .....................................................................................................................................................433 Pastor/Elder Evaluation ..........................................................................................................................................434 Colleague/Co-worker Evaluation ........................................................................................................................435 Case Report Form ....................................................................................................................................................436 Sample Membership Covenant .............................................................................................................................437
Care And Discipleship Section 1: Sessions 1-20
CDC 1
What Is Biblical Counseling?
part 1
Introduction and Review A. A breakdown in society- the religion of secular humanism.
B. The failure of the church.
C. The emergence of the biblical counseling movement. Jay Adams: 1970’s Competent to Counsel.
Harmful Errors of Modern Psychology A. Is psychology a science in the same way that medicine is? 1. Should the pastor deal with the spiritual problems while the “mental health professional” deals with emotional and mental problems?
2. Psychology and theology both deal with the same fundamental issues of meaning and value, from widely differing perspectives.
1
2 ~ What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 1
Discussion (15:30)
1. How are theology and psychology similar? Psychology and theology both deal with the same fundamental issues of meaning and value. They approach them from widely different perspectives, however.
2. How has western society’s approach to theology and psychology shifted over the past 100 years? Over the past 100 years secular humanism has come to dominate western society where once Christian ethics served as the moral basis. Where once people with problems like family or depression sought the help of a minister, now most seek the help of a psychologist or doctor. This cultural shift has also affected the church, where secular psychology is widely accepted and often even taught.
3. What is one major problem with assuming that psychology is a science in the same way that medicine is? One major problem with considering psychology scientific is that there are over 250 different approaches to psychology. Many of these approaches are contradictory.
B. Unscriptural presuppositions and practices of certain schools of psychology. 1. A faulty view of man. • Man is only an advanced animal: naturalism/materialism. Gen 1:26-27
• Man is basically good, or at worst a blank slate. Rom 3:10-18, 23; Ps 51:5
• Man is autonomous: able to solve his problems without God’s help. John 15:5; 2 Tim 3:2
2
What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 1 ~ 3
2. Excuses sin and denies personal responsibility. • Blame shifting: parents, teachers, society, etc. 1 John 1:8-10; Js 1:13-15; Ps 32:3ff
• The medical model: calling sin sickness. “Mental illness”
• Is there such a thing as “mental illness”?
• Biology is the hot topic in psychology right now.
3. No fixed moral values: relativism. 2 Tim 3:16-17 • Non-directive counseling (Rogers). Prov 14:12; Col 1:28; Js 5:19-20
• Sinful behaviors and desires legitimized.
• Promotion of “socially acceptable” behaviors: gratification of carnal appetites, ventilation, etc.
• Often attempts to relieve God-given guilt by destroying conscience.
4. No place for God.
3
4 ~ What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 1
C. Secular psychology is powerless to bring about meaningful change. Jer 17:9; Rom 8:5-8
D. What about those cases in which people seem to get better? 1. Often symptoms (i.e. bizarre behavior) go away with or without treatment.
2. The most serious (spiritual) problems remain. Luke 11:24-26
4
What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 1 ~ 5
Discussion (52:30)
1. What are some of the unbiblical presuppositions of modern psychology? Answers may include: a faulty view of man, a denial of personal responsibility for sin, lack of fixed moral values and no place for God.
2. How is the biblical view of guilt fundamentally different than that of secular psychology? Secular psychology views guilt as a bad thing that people need to rid themselves of by throwing off the beliefs and ideas that make them feel bad. The Bible teaches that guilt is a tool which is meant to make us aware of our sin and drive us to seek the Lord through repentance.
3. Why is secular psychology powerless to bring about meaningful change? Because secular psychology begins with a faulty view of who man is as created in God’s image and morally responsible to Him, it cannot properly diagnose the fundamental problem: sin. Without addressing the problem of sin, meaningful, God-glorifying change can never take place.
4. Sometimes positive change does appear to take place in those seeking help through secular psychology. What is often the lingering problem even if this does occur? Studies show that 2/3 of people tend to get better over time whether or not they seek any kind of help. On the surface it looks like if a person “gets better” or solves their problem success has been achieved. However, what often has happened in these cases is that people have exchanged one idol for another. The change that is sought through biblical counseling is that people would repent of their sin, be reconciled to God and grow in holiness. If this has not happened, then meaningful change from a biblical perspective has not taken place.
5
6
CDC 2
What Is Biblical Counseling?
part 2
Christian Approaches to Counseling A. Radical separation: the pastor and psychologist are professionals working in different realms. 1. Pastors refer cases dealing with emotional problems to qualified counselors.
2. Psychology and biblical c\Christianity address the same human problems from very different viewpoints.
3. Who is qualified to counsel? Gal 6:1; Rom 15:14
B. Integration: psychologists who happen to be Christians are best suited to helping people with their problems. 1. These people tend to use their psychological training as a starting place, with scripture being applied to support the psychological ideas. Mark 12:31; 2 Tim 3:1-2
2. They tend to accept psychological findings uncritically while neglecting sound in-depth Bible teaching.
3. The danger of integration. 2 Cor 6:14-18
7
2 ~ What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 2
Discussion (25:33) 1. What is the radical separationist view of the role of pastor and counselor? Radical separationists view pastors and psychologists as professionals who work in completely different realms. They believe that while pastors should dedicate themselves to the explicitly spiritual concerns of their congregations, emotional and mental crises should be referred to “trained” psychologists.
2. What does the Bible say about who is qualified to counsel? The Bible’s requirement for qualification is spirituality according to Galatians 6:1. This means that those living a life controlled and characterized by the fruit of the Holy Spirit are qualified to help others. Someone with “official” training may not meet the Bible’s requirements while someone without “official” training may be the very person best equipped to help.
3. What are some of the problems of the integration approach? Many integrationists are people who have spent thousands of hours of their lives being trained in a psychology that springs from an opposing worldview. They tend to use this training as a starting place and attempt to work Scripture into their system, rather than using the Scriptures as their foundation and scrutinizing all things through its lens.
C. Synergism/spoiling the Egyptians: since “all truth is God’s truth,” Christians should add the best of psychology to what the Bible teaches. 1. They claim to use Scripture to critically examine the findings of psychology.
2. They have the same problems as the integrationists.
3. Their system is usually built around extra-biblical concepts.
8
What Is Biblical Counseling? Part 2 ~ 3
4. That which was taken (spoiled) from the Egyptians was silver, gold, and garments, not ideas and beliefs. Lev 18:3-4; 1 Cor 3:19; Col 2:3, 8-10
Discussion (39:30)
1. What are some common Christian approaches to counseling in our day? Answers may include: radical separation, integration, and synergism.
2. What is the premise of synergism? The premise of synergism is that, because all truth is God’s truth, we can and should employ truths found in secular psychology to assist us in Christian counseling. They liken this to the Israelites plundering the Egyptians.
3. How is the idea of “plundering the Egyptians” applied inappropriately to counseling? What the Israelites took from the Egyptians were objects, silver, gold and clothing, not ideas and beliefs. In fact the Lord continually reminds the Israelites to guard against the beliefs and practices of the godless cultures around them.
4. Why might it be useful to learn about psychology? It is useful for Christians to know and understand the worldview of others. The purpose in this is not so that counselors can turn there to find truth to help people, but so they can understand where their counselees are coming from. Most counselees will come in having been “psychologized” by the culture and it is helpful for counselors to be aware of the beliefs and presuppositions under which many of them are operating.
5. Where does the Bible say that we are to look for the treasures of wisdom and knowledge? According to Colossians 2 the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are found in Christ alone, not in the philosophies of the world which can be very deceptive.
9
10
CDC 3
What Is Biblical Counseling?
part 3
Biblical Counseling: The Bible Is the Sole and Sufficient Authority 2 Tim 3:16-17; 2 Pet 1:3; Heb 4:12; Ps 19:7-14
A. The Bible is a fully sufficient textbook for counseling. 1 Cor 10:13
B. The goal of biblical counseling is to give instruction from the Bible so that the counselee can achieve God’s goals in his/her life. 1 Tim 1:5; Col 1:28-29
C. Key concepts in biblical counseling. 1. Biblical counseling is God-centered. 2 Cor. 5:9; 1 Tim 1:5; Col 1:27-29 • Psychology is man-centered, allowing counselee to set the agenda.
• Not about counselee achieving personal goals.
2. Biblical counseling is founded on sound theology.
3. Biblical counseling confronts sin as the source of mankind’s spiritual problems. • Mankind is created in God’s image: body and soul. Gen 1:27; 2 Cor 5:8
• Mankind is sinful and fallen, which is the source of counseling problems. Rom 3:10ff
11
2 ~ What is Biblical Counseling? Part 3
• Will involve confrontation. John 4:18; Acts 17:30; John 9:2-3
4. Biblical counseling is Christ-centered and redemptive. 2 Cor 5:21; 1 John 1:8-2:2; Rom 6:1ff;
Eph 4:32; 5:1, 25
• It is not just commands and law, but the transforming power of the gospel.
5. Biblical counseling aims at the heart. Mark 7:20-23; Matt 12:33; Prov 4:23
6. Biblical counseling is based upon the all-sufficient and infallible Scripture. 2 Tim 3:16-17;
2 Pet 1:3
7. Biblical counseling relies upon the Holy Spirit. 1 Cor 2:14; Rom 8:5-11; 15:13; Phil 4:13; John 4:16-17
• Without the Spirit no one can understand or change.
• He is the Counselor.
8. Biblical counseling is gentle and compassionate. 1 Thess 5:14; Matt 9:35-3; Gal 6:1-2
12
What is Biblical Counseling? Part 3 ~ 3
9. Biblical counseling is not merely for an elite group of professionals. Rom 15:14; Eph 4:15;
10. Biblical counseling ideally takes place within the context of the local church.
Gal 6:1-2
Discussion (26:10)
1. How is the biblical counseling approach different from all other Christian approaches to counseling? Biblical counseling begins with the assumption that the Bible is the sole and sufficient authority for counseling. The purpose of the biblical counselor is to help the counselee apply the truth of Scripture to their life in such a way that they can achieve God’s goals for them.
2. What are some key texts for defending the sufficiency of the Scriptures for counseling? Key texts include 2 Tim 3:16-17, 2 Pet 1:3 and Heb 4:12.
3. Of the 10 key concepts of biblical counseling, which ones really stood out to you and why? Answers will vary
D. Who is qualified to counsel? 1. Counselor qualifications are spiritual, not merely academic. Gal 6:1-2; 1 Tim 4:16, 12
13
4 ~ What is Biblical Counseling? Part 3
E. Counseling is not the responsibility of an elite group of professionals, but of every member of Christ’s church. Rom 15:14; Heb 10:24-25; Js 5:19-20
F. Ultimately counseling is God’s work. Rom 15:13; 1 Cor 10:13; Phil 4:13; Is 9:6; 11:1ff 1. It is only in Christ that people have hope.
2. The Holy Spirit is the ultimate Counselor. John 14:16-17 Gal 5:16-25
Other Critical Questions A. Is there any value to secular psychology? 1. Isn’t all truth God’s truth? Yes, and all error is the devil’s error.
2. Relying upon secular psychology is a denial of the sufficiency of Scripture.
3. Is there any case in which outside help is needed?
4. Why might it be useful for Christians to know something of psychology?
14
What is Biblical Counseling? Part 3 ~ 5
B. How should unbelievers be counseled? 1. A non-Christian is incapable of seeking after God’s goals or doing His will. Rom 8:7-8;
Gal 5:18; Heb. 11:6
2. Unbelievers require pre-counseling: evangelism.
C. Does biblical counseling ever fail? Luke 18:18-25; Gen 4:6ff
D. How can you be prepared to counsel others? 1 Tim 4:16
Conclusion: You are Competent to Counsel Biblically
15
6 ~ What is Biblical Counseling? Part 3
Discussion (43:06)
1. How should unbelievers be counseled? Unbelievers need to be evangelized. Apart from Christ they are incapable of submitting themselves to the will of God because the Spirit is not at work in their life. This does not mean that counselors cannot hold out truths from the Scripture to an unbelieving counselee. They can and should do this, but always with an emphasis on the need for repentance and faith in Jesus Christ.
2. Does biblical counseling ever fail? Success in biblical counseling needs to be defined by faithfulness, not by results. Some people will respond rapidly with radical progress as the truths of God’s word impact their lives. Others will change very slowly. Still others will go away rejecting the message. It is not the biblical counselor’s job to change hearts, but to faithfully proclaim the Word.
3. What are some ways counselors can better equip themselves to counsel others? Answers may include: pursue personal holiness, never stop learning, apply the things you are learning to your own life, hone your skills as you counsel others, etc.
Books Adams, Jay, Competent to Counsel. Adams, Jay, Ready to Restore. Adams, Jay, The Christian Counselor’s Manual. Ganz, Rich, Psychobabble. Mack, Wayne, Introduction to Biblical Counseling.
16
CDC 4
General Principles of Biblical Counseling part 1 Introduction and Review A. Psychology and Christian counseling. 1. Harmful errors of modern psychology.
2. Christian approaches to counseling.
B. The biblical (nouthetic) counseling movement.
C. Some fundamental assumptions. 1. The Bible is sufficient as our textbook for counseling. 2 Pet 1:3; 2 Tim 3:16-17; Ps 19:7-14;
Heb 4:12
2. The goal of counseling is change in conformity with God’s revealed will, not necessarily the (selfish) desires of the counselee. Col 1:28
3. Change according to God’s standard can only take place by the power of the Holy Spirit.
4. The counselor is qualified through personal holiness and a knowledge of the Word of God.
Phil 4:13; Gal 5:16ff
Gal 6:1; 1 Tim 4:16-17, 7-8, 13; 3:1-7
17
2 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1
Discussion (2:14)
1. What are four fundamental assumptions that shape nouthetic counseling? Four of the fundamental assumptions that shape nouthetic counseling are: 1) the Bible is a sufficient textbook, 2) the goal of counseling is change in conformity with God’s revealed will, 3) godly change can only take place by the power of the Spirit and 4) a counselor is qualified through personal holiness and a knowledge of God’s word.
Key Elements in Biblical Counseling A. Involvement. Gal 6:1 1. Avoid “professionalism” - proud, aloof, distant, mechanical. 2 Cor 2:4
2. Instead, be humble and brotherly, treating your counselee with respect. Mark 6:34;
Matt 9:35-36; Heb 2:14-18; 4:15; John 11:33-35; Acts 20:31; 2 Cor 2:4; 4:28-29; 1 Thess 2:7-8; 1 Cor 13:7;
Rom 12:10; Phil 2:3-4
3. Be careful not to fall into their sin! Gal 6:1b; Prov 1:10ff • Why might this happen?
• What precautions should we take? Titus 2:3-5
• Why shouldn’t women counsel men? 1Tim 2:12
18
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1 ~ 3
4. Don’t become an emotional crutch - make them dependent upon God, not you! 2 Chr 24:2
5. Pray with and for your counselee. Phil 1:3-4
6. Hope must be built from the earliest stages of counseling. 1 Cor 10:13; Rom 15:4-5, 13; Phil 1:6;
2 Cor 5:17; Prov 12:25; 15:13; 17:22; 18:14; Matt 11:28-30
• What is our basis of hope? 1Tim 1:1
• What is the nature of our hope? Heb 11:1
• What can be done to build hope?
• Give manageable homework assignments to build hope.
19
4 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1
Discussion (32:35)
1. Why is involvement an important first step in the counseling process? Counselees are not merely cases but real people who want to be treated with care, compassion and respect. Through involvement, counselors seek to establish a relationship of trust with the counselee so that they can gain “passport.” When a counselee trusts the counselor and believes that they are respected and understood, they are far more likely to listen as the counselor begins to speak to their situation.
2. Discuss the importance of building hope early on in the counseling process. Many counselees come to biblical counseling already feeling completely defeated. They often see it as their last ditch effort before giving up. They may even think that there is no use trying anymore. A wise counselor will help to plant seeds of true hope in God’s promises early on, which will encourage the counselee not to give up.
3. What are some ways we can seek to build hope? Share the promises of God that apply to the situations of your counselees. Look at examples from Scripture where God works in the lives of His children. Share examples of ways you have seen God work. Help your counselees to remember God’s past faithfulness to them. Give manageable homework assignments, perhaps tackling a smaller problem initially to build confidence.
B. Investigation. Prov 18:15 1. Begin with a plan. Prov 21:5
2. Don’t jump to conclusions. Prov 18:13; 14:15
3. Learn to ask good questions and to listen. Prov 20:5
20
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1 ~ 5
4. Characteristics of good questions (see Mack p. 223ff ). • Thoughtful and gracious.
• Relevant.
• Produce facts.
• Open-ended.
5. The PREACH principle for investigating. • Physical: sleep, diet, exercise, drugs, alcohol, medications (many psychotropic), caffeine, etc.
2 Cor 4:6; Eccl 5:12
• Resources: what help is available: church, family, friends: accountability?
• Emotional: fear, worry, anxiety, bitterness, loneliness, depression, anger.
• Action. Ps 32; Gen 4:5-8; Jas 1:22, 25
21
6 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 1
• Conceptual. Mark 7:19-23; Eph 4:23; Rom 12:2; Heb 4:12
• Historical
Key Elements in Biblical Counseling “Letter B. Investigation” will continue in Part 2
CDC 5
Books Mack, Wayne, Counseling: How to Counsel Biblically (Macarthur’s Pastor Library).
Supplemental Resources Newheiser, Jim. “The Tenderness Trap.”
22
CDC 5
General Principles of Biblical Counseling part 2 Key Elements in Biblical Counseling (continued) B. Investigation 6. Where possible, hear from all parties involved. Prov 18:17
7. Not all problems are caused by personal sin. • Organic problems should be referred to physicians.
• You may need to get the client stabilized physically before you can have a meaningful session - i.e., lack of sleep, under the influence.
8. One of the most important issues to determine is whether the counselee is a believer.
1 John5:1; 2:3-4; 4:7-8; Matt 7:21-23
9. A tool - the Personal Data Inventory.
10. Also gather non-verbal data. Prov 6:13; Gen 4:5
23
2 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2
Discussion (16:10)
1. Why is careful Investigation a crucial part of the counseling process? Counselees’ problems are often complex, multi-faceted and not always immediately apparent. In some cases counselees may be intentionally misleading or may not themselves really understand the root of their problems. Effective counselors will not jump quickly to conclusions because they realize this. Through careful question asking they will attempt to draw out a complete and accurate picture of their counselee’s situation before attempting to speak to it. Proverbs 20:5 is a crucial verse for biblical counselors to remember regarding investigation.
2. What is the goal of asking good questions? The goal of asking good questions is to draw out what is really in the counselee’s heart. When given enough opportunity they will usually eventually expose their own sin. This will help the counselor to accurately understand the counselee’s problem so that they can effectively help them.
3. What does the PREACH acronym stand for? The PREACH acronym is a tool to help counselors in formulating good questions. It includes the significant areas which need investigation in order to gain an accurate picture of a counselee’s situation: P- Physical, R- Resources, E- Emotional, A-Action, C- Conceptual, H- Historical.
C. Interpretation. Rom 12:2 ; Prov 3:5-7 1. After you have gathered adequate data, you need to draw some conclusions.
2. You need to evaluate your counselee’s spiritual condition. I Thess 5:14
3. Often the counselee will not know what his problem is, or he will have incorrectly identified the problem. Prov 14:12, 16
24
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2 ~ 3
4. You want to give biblical labels to the counselee’s situation. Prov 3:5-7 • What biblical language best describes this person’s problem?
• What insights does the Bible give for the probable causes of such problems? Jas 4:1ff
5. Distinguish between the symptoms and the causes of problems.
6. Often your greatest challenge will be to sort out and prioritize the counselee’s issues.
7. Problems stem from the heart. Jer 17:9-10; Mark 7:19-22
25
4 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2
Discussion (34:20)
1. What is the goal of interpretation? We want to see what God sees and understand His perspective on the situation. We must approach this in humility because ultimately we don’t know what is in someone’s heart.
2. Why is it important to give biblical labels to our counselee’s problems? Using biblical language helps to bring a godly perspective to the situation. Oftentimes we need to help our counselees see that the secular psychologized labels they might be applying to themselves are nothing more than masks for specific sin problems. This can help them not only to see their problem clearly, but then prepares the way to see how the Scriptures address their specific situation. This brings the hope of true and lasting change.
3. What will often be your greatest challenge as a counselor? Counselees usually come with multiple problems, or with a major problem that has tentacles into many different aspects of their life. As a counselor your greatest challenge may be sorting out and prioritizing these issues. We need to seek the Lord to give us wisdom as we attempt to go about this in a way that will be most helpful to our counselees.
D. Instruction. 2 Tim 3:16-17; Eph 4:17-28 1. Rely upon the inerrant and powerful Word of God. Prov 3:5-7 • Handle the Scriptures carefully. Jas 3:1ff; 2 Tim 2:15
• Use texts for the purpose God gave them.
2. Prepare counseling outlines.
26
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2 ~ 5
3. Teach interactively and creatively.
4. Teach redemptively (answers are in Christ). Rom 6:1ff
5. You must deal firmly with sin. Eph 4:17-22; 1 Thess 5:14; I John 1:8-10; Acts 20:31; Gal 2:11;
2 Tim 3:16-17; Matt 5:21ff
6. Sin must be repented of - put off. I John 1:9; Ps 32:3-5; Prov 28:13; Matt 5:29-30; 2 Cor 7:8-11
7. New life patterns must be established - put on. Eph 4:22-28
27
6 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 2
Discussion (57:00)
1. What is the purpose of Instruction? To instruct someone is to take them to the Bible and show them how the Bible speaks to whatever their issue is. You want to bring the thoughts of God to your counselee.
2. What does it mean to teach interactively? An effective counselor will seek to involve their counselees through interaction. They will not merely tell their counselees what the Bible says, but lead their counselees to find for themselves in Scripture. They may encourage their counselee to read key Scriptures out loud and then explain in their own words how they understand that the text applies to their situation. They will ask questions that require the counselee to reiterate key principles to be sure that they are not only hearing, but actually understanding.
3. How must sin be dealt with? It is human nature to minimize sin. The Bible shows us that the only right way to deal with sin is through confession and true repentance. Counselors must be firm with sin, leading their counselees to recognize their great sin against God and showing them what godly sorrow and repentance looks like. They must instruct them in “putting off ” the sin and “putting on” godly behaviors in their place.
Key Elements in Biblical Counseling “Letter D. Instruction” will continue in Part 3.
CDC 6
Books Kruis, John G., Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling.
Supplemental Resources Newheiser, Jim, “(Approximately) 100 Go to Texts for Biblical Counselors” “Personal Data Inventory”
28
CDC 6
General Principles of Biblical Counseling part 3 Key Elements in Biblical Counseling
(Continued)
D. Instruction. 8. Be careful not to be legalistic: commanding beyond what the Bible says.
E. Intention. Luke 9:23-24; 14:25-34; Phil 2:12-13; Prov14:23 1. Counseling is more than instruction. Jas 1:22; Luke 14:25ff
2. The counselee is responsible to commit to obedience to God. 2 Cor 7:8-11
3. Motives are crucial. Rom 14:23; Col 3:20 • What does real repentance look like? 2 Cor 7:8-11; Ps 51
4. Deal with behavior, not mere feelings. The counselee must agree to obey God, whether he feels like it or not.
5. Be prepared to meet with resistance. Matt 21:28-30
6. Continue to offer hope: faith in Christ works. Rom 6:1-14; 2 Cor 5:17; Mark 9:22-24; 1 Cor 10:13;
John 15:5; Phil 4:13
29
2 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3
7. If a counselee refuses to commit to do God’s will, you may need to end the counseling relationship. Matt 7:6; 18:15-18; Prov 13:15; 29:1; 2 Thess 3:14
Discussion (13:49)
1. What is meant by intent and how is this manifested? All counselees will respond to the counselor’s instruction with some sort of intent. They may intend to follow the counselor’s advice and express that. They may also intend not to make any changes. Some counselees may express assent and intent for action, but then repeatedly fail to follow through. Others may offer up quite a bit of resistance but then ultimately choose to submit to the Word.
2. What might be some necessary steps if a counselee ultimately refuses to obey the Scriptures? Usually if a counselee ultimately decides to reject your counsel, they will terminate the counseling relationship. Sometimes people will continue coming, even though week after week they demonstrate they are unwilling to change. At this point it may be necessary for you to terminate the counseling relationship. You might also at this point let them know that if they want to see you again they need to have taken some certain action/completed some assignment or followed through on something else you agree upon. If an unrepentant counselee is a church member, this may be the time where the church would need to enact the process of church discipline.
F. Implementation. 1. The counselee cannot expect the counselor to change him. Phil 2:12-13
2. The counseling sessions are not ends in and of themselves. • Action and obedience are needed. Mark 10:17-22
30
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3 ~ 3
• Explain to your counselee how progressive sanctification works. Rom 6:11; Eph 4:22ff; Phil 1:6
3. The greatest progress in counseling is made in between sessions. • Prepare for temptation: concrete steps: call someone, go outside, etc. 2 Tim 2:22; Prov 22:3
• Prepare for failures. 1 John 1:9; Prov 24:16; Ps 43:5
• Expect growth. 2 Cor 3:17-18
4. Concrete homework assignments should be given. Why give homework? • Actions and behavior. 1 Cor 15:33; Prov 13:20; Matt 5:29-30; 25:40; Eph. 4:28
• Scripture reading and memory.
• Christian books, pamphlets, and tapes.
• Journals.
• Other assignments.
31
4 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3
Discussion (26:20)
1. When does most counseling progress take place and why is this significant? Most counseling progress takes place between sessions. Counseling is not an end in itself but rather a means to an end. It is a time to help teach and equip counselees for the process of growth that will happen as they apply these truths and principles in their day-to-day life. Wise counselors work to prepare their counselees for the challenges they will face between counseling sessions.
2. What are some ways we can prepare our counselees for growth between sessions? Counselors need to teach their counselees about the process of sanctification. They need to prepare them for temptation, perhaps making specific plans to flee a temptation that will probably present itself during the week. They also need to prepare them for failures, teaching them how God’s grace applies even when they do fail. Another way is to give concrete homework assignments to help counselees stay on track.
3. Why is concrete homework important? The counseling session is only one hour long. For change to take place the counselee must be applying the things learned throughout the week. Concrete homework assignments are a way to assist them in that process. Homework can be used to reinforce what is taught in the session. It can also extend that to cover other areas the counselor may not have had time to address during the session. Some assignments can help reveal patterns that are not easy to spot in one hour counseling sessions. The important thing is to give homework that addresses the specific needs of that counselee and is adapted to their particular abilities.
G. Integration. 1. The structure of the local church should be used in maintaining accountability. • We do not want to become substitute psychologists (professionals).
• Ideally, a pastor or other church leader should attend counseling.
32
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3 ~ 5
• Sometimes church discipline may be required. Matt 18:15-17
• What about confidentiality in counseling?
2. You are not seeking merely a solution to one problem, but a total restructuring of a life over the period of time.
3. New, godly habits are built over time. Eph 4:13-14
4. The goal is that the counselee will be able to counsel himself and others. Gal 6:6
Conclusion
33
6 ~ General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3
Discussion (34:30)
1. What does successful integration look like? As counselors we are not merely seeking to provide a solution to one problem, but to assist the counselee in a total restructuring of their life in accordance with the word of God. Ideally leaders from the counselee’s own local church will be involved to shepherd the counselees on a continuing basis. Counselees who have so integrated their faith and life will eventually move beyond the need for crisis counseling. They will develop healthy discipleship relationships in their own local churches be able to apply the skills they have learned to effectively counsel themselves and even others
2. What about confidentiality? A Biblical Counselor is not able to offer a promise of complete confidentiality. The Bible instructs us that we must be obedient to God and to the government when they are within the bound of their God-given authority. The government mandates specific kinds of reporting in cases like abuse and other crimes. A counselor must report those things to the appropriate authorities if they are made aware of them. The Bible also lays out the way sin must be dealt with and a counselor may have to go against the counselees’ wishes and report a situation to the leaders of a counselee’s church in cases of unrepentance. Counselors need to be up-front with counselees about the limits of their confidentiality.
2. Can you name and briefly describe the Seven “I”s? Involvement: establish rapport with the counselee. Investigation: gathering all relevant data about the situation/problem. Interpretation: drawing conclusions about the data. Instruction: teaching the counselee what God says in the Scriptures regarding their situation. Intent: establishing willingness to take action. Implementation: identifying specific actions and forming and carrying out plans to overcome the problem. Integration: the counselee’s faith is so integrated with their life and they have been incorporated into a local church in such a way that they are able to move beyond the need for crisis counseling.
34
General Principles of Biblical Counseling Part 3 ~ 7
Books Adams, Jay, The Christian Counselor’s Manual. Adams, Jay, Helps for Counselors. Mack, Wayne, A Homework Manual for Biblical Counseling (I&II).
Supplemental Resources Keller, Timothy. “Communication Guidelines.” Priolo, Lou. “Anger ‘Hot Button’ List.” Priolo, Lou. “A Checklist of Ways Parents Provoke their Children to Anger.” Priolo, Lou. “Christ-Centered or Child-Centered Home.” “Anger Journal/Heart Journal.” “Business Travel Plan for Avoiding Sexual Temptation.” “Child-Centered or God-Centered Home.” “Communication: Discussion Questions.” “Unfaithfulness Assignment.”
35
36
CDC 7
How Do People Change? Part 1 Introduction A. Counseling is about helping people to change.
B. The change we as biblical counselors seek is unique. Col 1:28; 1 Tim 1:5
C. Unbiblical approaches to change (sanctification) will impede your spiritual growth. 1. Mysticism.
2. Deliverance ministry.
3. Self-improvement formulas.
4. Moralism. Rom 5:20; 8:3; Gal 3:3; 4:9
5. Passivism.
6. The recovery movement blends several unbiblical approaches.
37
2 ~ How Do People Change? Part 1
D. The Bible sets forth a balanced perspective on how change takes place. Rom 6; John 15:1-11
Discussion (9:20) 1. How is the change we are seeking as biblical counselors unique?
It is God centered, not man centered. We are not primarily focusing on helping people to be happier and more fulfilled, but rather on how to live their lives to the glory of God.
2. What is the discrepancy between some of the quick fix approaches to change and a biblical view of change? The Bible describes the process of change not as a one-time “zapping” from God, casting out of a demon, or popping of a pill, but as a process of the cultivation of discipline as we understand and apply the gospel, call upon God and seek after Him through His word.
Change Begins by Understanding and Applying the Gospel A. Some wrongfully start with the imperative - what we must do for God, which leads to moralism. 1. Scripture begins with the indicative, what God has done for us in Christ, as the ground for imperatives. Rom 1-11; Eph 1-3; Col 1-2
2. Specific New Testament exhorations are grounded in the gospel. Eph 4:20, 24, 32; 5:2, 25ff; 6:6;
Rom 15:2-3, 7
3. Of course this implies that only Christians are able to change according to the will of God.
Rom 8:5-8; 14:23; Heb 11:6
38
How Do People Change? Part 1 ~ 3
4. What about cases in which unbelievers appear to change (i.e. lose weight, quit smoking, no longer drunkards)? Matt 12:43-45; Rom 14:23; 1 Cor 10:31; Heb 11:6
5. The change we need is inward and Godward. Mark 7:14-23; Col 2:20-23
B. We and our counselees need to comprehend that who we are in Christ is the basis for the changed lives we want to live. Rom 6:11; Col 3:1ff; 2 Pet 1:3-4 1. Some think of the gospel exclusively for justification, but don’t see its relevance for sanctification. Gal 3:3
2. The gospel is just as important for your sanctification as it was for your justification.
3. Some nouthetic counselors move too quickly to the imperative, without placing enough emphasis on who we are in Christ and how the gospel relates to change.
4. Many counselees have a false identity and label themselves according to their past sin rather than their new identity in Christ. 1 Cor 6:9-11; 2 Cor 5:17
5. The first imperative in Romans is to consider your identity in Christ - remember who you are. Rom 6:11
(also see vs. 3, 6, 9)
the gospel is just as important for your sanctification as it is for your justification
C. Understanding your union with Christ is the key to your growth in holiness. Rom 6:1ff 1. Paul anticipates an objection. Rom 6:1-2 l If salvation is by grace, apart from works, why bother to be holy since the more we sin the more God’s grace is displayed? Rom 6:1; 5:20
39
4 ~ How Do People Change? Part 1
l
The gospel, rightly understood, promotes holiness. Rom 6:2bff; 1 Thess 4:3; Titus 2:14
2. You can’t go on sinning because you are united to Christ. Rom 6:2b
3. Your old self has died in union with Christ. Rom 6:2b-4a, 6; Col 2:12; Gal 2:20
4. You died to sin in the same sense in which Jesus died to sin. Rom 6:8-10; Heb 7:27; 9:12
5. You are a new person, united with Christ in His resurrection. Rom 6:4b-5, 8
6. You have been set free from slavery to sin to serve righteousness. Rom 6:6-7, 9b, 15-22
7. This is true of every believer.
8. Now, live in light of who you are. Rom 6:12-13 l The fact that you are united with Chist does not mean that it is no longer possible for you to sin. Rom 7:14ff; Phil 3:12
l
The point is that the power of sin over you has been broken.
40
How Do People Change? Part 1 ~ 5
l
Nor does it mean that you no longer need to pursue holiness and fight sin.
9. How does this work itself out in practical terms?
D. Other ways in which the gospel contributes to change (sanctification). 1. We are able to bear fruit only through our union with Christ. John 15:1-11; Gal 2:20
2. A key to change is to recognize that Christ is better than idols which tempt us. Isa. 55:1-2; John 4:10; 7:38; 6:35, 48-51; Gen 39:9b; Prov 9:1ff
3. Comprehending God’s love and grace to us motivates and enables us to show love and grace. 1 John 4:19
41
6 ~ How Do People Change? Part 1
Discussion (44:20)
1. How is it that an unbeliever can change? An unbeliever is capable of changing for their own glory. They may exchange one idol for another and so effect a modification of their behavior. This, however, can never be a change that pleases God. Any change that pleases God must be done for His own glory.
2. What does it mean that the gospel is as important for your sanctification as it was for your justification? Many believers view the gospel as what they believed when they were saved. They hear it and believe that. God has accepted them in Christ. As they go on in their walk they attempt to bring about their sanctification in their own strength, thinking that through their accomplishments they can please God. Christians, however, need to continually be speaking the gospel to themselves. Sanctification must flow from the gospel just as justification does. Believers must continually contemplate their identity in Christ, reminding themselves that Christ continues to present them as acceptable to God, not because of the way they are keeping God’s law, but because He has kept God’s law perfectly. Then their sanctification will be motivated by what Christ has done to please God, not by what they must do to please Him.
3. What do the terms indicative and imperative mean and why are they important in counseling? The indicative refers to what Scripture tells us about what Christ has done for us. The imperatives are the commands that Scripture says we must do. In counseling it is important to keep the imperative rooted in the indicative or, in other words, help our counselees really understand what Christ has done for them and who they are in Him.
Booklets Newheiser Jim, Help! I Want to Change.
42
CDC 8
How Do People Change? Part 2 We and Our Counselees Are Responsible to Exert Effort Towards Change. A. Some wrongfully stop with the indicative, declaring what God has done for us in Christ, while neglecting the imperatives of what God calls us to do.
B. What is the use of biblical imperatives (God’s law)? 1. God’s law shows us our need for Christ who alone meets God’s standard and provides the righteousness we lack. Gal 3:24; 2:16; Phil 3:9
2. God’s law also shows us how He desires His redeemed people to live. 1 Thess 4:1; Eph 5:10; John 14:15
C. Biblical Examples 1. Immediately after telling us to consider our identity in Christ, Paul exhorts us to take action against the lusts of the flesh. Rom 6:12ff
2. Jesus tells us what we must do in order to abide in Him. John 15:1-11 l Have His Word in ourselves. John 15:3, 7
l
l
Seek His glory in prayer. John 15:7
Obey His commandments. John 15:10; 14:15; 1 John 2:6
43
2 ~ How Do People Change? Part 2
l
Love the brethren. John 15:12-13, 17; 1John 2:10
3. The typical pattern in many New Testament epistles is to begin with the indicative as the basis for the imperative. Rom 12:1ff; Eph 4:1ff; Col 3:1ff
4. Our responsibility and God’s work in us are placed side by side. Phil 2:12-13; 4:13
5. The New Testament is filled with specific exhortations to actively fight sin and to faithfully and diligently pursue righteousness. l Put off sin (repent). Matt 5:29-30; Eph 4:17, 22, 25, 28, 29; Rom 6:12-13a
l
Put on righteousness. Eph 4:24, 25, 28b, 29b; Rom 6:13b, 19c; 12:1ff
6. It is not enough to merely hear God’s word or even to agree with it. We must do what God commands. Matt 7:24-27; Jas 1:22
D. Our motive for obedience is crucial.
44
How Do People Change? Part 2 ~ 3
Discussion (19:18)
1. Why is the use of imperatives a necessary part of counseling? The imperatives serve us by continually showing us our need for Christ as we see our inablility to keep God’s law. They also serve us in informing us how to live in a way that pleases Him whom we love.
2. What should be our motive for obedience? We don’t obey so that God will be pleased with us. He is already pleased with believers in Christ. We don’t obey so that we can feel good about ourselves. Even on our best day we are the chief of sinners. We obey out of love and gratitude to Him. When we understand how we are loved in Christ, that is going to motivate us even more to show love through obedience.
What Determines When and Whether Change Takes Place? A. We experience a variety of outcomes in our counseling.
B. Sometimes change doesn’t take place in the life of a counselee because he/she is not regenerate. John15:2, 6; Phil 1:6; 1John 2:3-4; Matt 7:16ff
C. Personal revival is like corporate revival: God sees fit to sovereignly work in powerful ways in the lives of His people at certain times. John 3:8; 15:5; Ps 71:20; 85:6
D. God uses various means to accomplish change. 1. His Word is a powerful agent for change. 2 Tim 3:16-17; Heb 4:12-13; Ps 119:25; John 15:7
45
4 ~ How Do People Change? Part 2
2. We should pray for God to revive us and our counselees. Ps 119:25, 37, 40, 88, 107, 149, 154, 156, 159
3. Sometimes the Lord brings circumstances into our lives to change our course. Ps 119:67, 71; Heb 12:4-11; John 15:2; Jas 1:2ff
4. Sometimes God sends a Nathan to admonish us. Rom 15:14; Gal 6:1-2; 2 Sam 12
Conclusion A. God wants us to change and to bear fruit for His glory. John 15:8
B. The gospel is the key to change. 1. Understand your union with Christ. Rom 6:11
2. Abide in Christ. John 15:1ff
3. Delight in Christ. Isa 55:1-2
C. We are responsible to exert effort to change.
46
How Do People Change? Part 2 ~ 5
Discussion (34:24) 1. Is there a “secret” to change that we must master to become effective counselors?
Only the Lord can bring about change in the life of a believer. Sometimes he chooses to use the couseling process to bring about quick and radical change. At other times the process can be exceedingly slow. Sometimes people will even walk away, like the rich young ruler, refusing to change. There is no secret to master. We should, however, employ the means that He reveals as the ordinary way in which He effects change.
2. What are the “means” which the Lord ordinarily uses to effect change? The Lord is also pleased at different times to use a variety of means to bring about change, including His word, prayer, circumstances and the admonishment of others. As counselors we must do our best to set the word before our counselees, pray for them, hold the gospel out before them and call them to walk in obedience to the Scriptures. If the Lord is pleased to use these things to bring about change, all glory is to Him alone.
47
48
CDC 9
Theology and Biblical Counseling Introduction: Why do You Need Theology to Counsel?
NANC Theology Exam Using essay style writing, please respond thoroughly to each of these statements. Write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee, defining all terms clearly and precisely. Use 1.5 spacing. Your answers should be 1 page to 1 ½ pages in length. Support all your answers with Scripture. This is an open book exam. You may use any written or oral sources, but you must cite your sources at the end of each answer. **Read FAQ for complete formatting requirements** A. Bibliology 1. The Bible is spoken of as “inspired.” What does this mean?
2. What is the relationship between infallibility and authority?
3. What is the Bible’s authority on theological controversies?
4. Compare and contrast the Bible and its authority to general revelation and its authority.
5. Many Christians today speak of continuing revelation. Relate this concept to inspiration and sufficiency of the Scripture. Relate this concept to the issue of miracles, prophecy and tongues.
49
2 ~ Theology and Biblical Counseling
B. Theology Proper 1. State briefly the biblical basis for, and formulate the doctrine of, the Trinity.
2. List and develop five attributes of God and how they relate to the believer’s life and counseling.
3. State briefly the biblical basis for, and formulate the doctrine of, God’s omniscience. Relate
this doctrine to the teaching of “open theism.”
C. Anthropology 1. Who and what is man?
2. What role does anthropology play in counseling theory and practice?
D. Christology 1. Why did Christ die?
2. He was “tempted in all things as we are” (Heb. 4:15). Discuss and relate to counseling theory and practice.
50
Theology and Biblical Counseling ~ 3
E. Soteriology 1. “Justification by faith alone.” Discuss the meaning of this phrase.
2. Sanctification is said to be past, present, and future. Discuss, including the idea of “union with Christ.”
3. Do Christians persevere? What relationship does this have to counseling?
F. Pneumatology 1. Who or what is the Holy Spirit?
2. What role does this Spirit play in the believer’s life and the counseling process?
3. Does the Holy Spirit guide Christians? If so, what means and methods does He use?
G. Ecclesiology 1. What is the church?
2. What role does the church play in the believer’s life and the counseling process?
51
4 ~ Theology and Biblical Counseling
3. What is the biblical teaching on women being ordained as officers of the church?
4. What authority, if any, does the church have over individuals and the counseling process?
H. General Questions 1. Are you involved in a larger group, organization, or denomination, which disagrees with NANC’s Statement of Faith? If so, how do you differ from your larger group? Explain what
you are doing to influence your group towards NANC’s position.
2. If received as a NANC member, can you unequivocally sign the membership covenant?
Books Grudem, Wayne, Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine. Berkhof, Louis, Systematic Theology. Reymond, Robert L., A New Systematic Theology of the Christian Faith. Packer, J.I., Concise Theology: A Guide to Historic Christian Beliefs.
52
CDC 10
Peacemaking part 1 God Tells You How to Make Peace A. The Bible talks about the nature of peace in two ways. Heb 12:14 1. Peace with God. Rom 5:1
2. General well-being (shalom).
B. Christ is the Prince of Peace who has come on a mission of peace. 1. He has made peace between God and man.
2. He makes peace between man and man. Eph 2:11
C. Our peacemaking flows out of Christ. 1. Biblical peacemaking is founded on the gospel
You Cannot Completely Avoid Conflict A. All conflict is the result of sin. 1. Man/God. Rom 5:10
53
Rom 12:18
2 ~ Peacemaking Part 1
2. Man/Man. Gen 3:10, 12; Jas 4:1-2
B. Peace is sometimes out of your reach. 1. You cannot make peace at the expense of truth and righteousness. Rom 16:17-18; Matt 10:34-38;
18:15ff; Jer 8:11; Acts 20:28; Prov 23:23; Jude 3; 1 Cor 5:6-7; 15:33; Titus 3:9-11; 2 John 1:9-11; Luke 12:15ff; Gal 1:9; 2:11ff; Heb. 2:14; Col 2:15
2. There are some people with whom it is impossible to make peace. 1 Cor 7:15
3. God does not hold you responsible for the sinful failures of others.
C. Conflict is very dangerous (“The Slippery Slope”, from The Peacemaker). Don’t make things worse through unbiblical methods of handling conflict.
54
Peacemaking Part 1 ~ 3
1. Some fight: revenge, verbal attacks, gossip, slander, assault, murder, lawsuits. Rom 12:17-21; Matt 5:21-22; Prov 11:9; 29:22; 12:18; 14:17; 18:8; 16:28; 11:13; 1 Cor 6:1-8; 1 Cor 7:15
2. Others flee: denial, escape, suicide. Eph 4:26b; 1 Sam 2:22-25; Heb 12:15
D. Conflict brings opportunity: to glorify God, to be more like Christ, to serve others, and to bear witness to a watching world. Rom 8:28-29; 12:14,20; 1Cor 10:31
55
4 ~ Peacemaking Part 1
Discussion (32:48)
1. Where does peace come from? The source of all peace is Christ, the Prince of Peace. By His death he has made possible the way of peace between God and man. Because believers have peace with God they can also have peace with one another. Our ability to make true and lasting peace in the midst of sin flows from what Christ has done.
2. Is there ever a time when we ought not to pursue peace? Christians are called to do everything in their power to live at peace with all men. The limit of this comes when a situation arises in which pursuing peace would compromise truth and righteousness. Some examples of this would be a situation in which the church must exercise church discipline because someone refuses to repent, times when Christians must stand against unbiblical cultural norms, or even times in relationships when Christian convictions do not allow believers to participate with others. These situations need to be handled with wisdom, and those prone to contentiousness must take care not to stir up conflict when it is not really necessary.
3. What are the two sides of the slippery slope? The two sides of unbiblical conflict resolution are fight and flee. Fighters are the easier ones to spot. They may yell and scream, attack verbally, lash out physically and exasperate the situation through gossip and slander. Fleeing is equally serious, but sometimes not as easy to spot. These people avoid conflict at all costs. They may give the silent treatment or pretend everything is fine rather than address a situation. They are more likely to avoid someone who has hurt them than to seek to resolve the issue. Sometimes those who flee think their way is less sinful than fighting. People on both sides of the spectrum need to be taught biblical principles of conflict resolution.
4. What are some of the opportunities that conflict brings? Answers may include: God uses trials including conflict to make us more like Christ. When we show grace, forgiveness and sacrifice in conflict we get an opportunity to be Christ-like. Responding biblically to conflict can be a testimony and witness to outsiders of God’s grace. God may have a very important work to do in the life of the others involved and may be giving you the privilege of using you as His means to accomplish that work.
5. If you are involved in conflict right now, can you think of some ways God may be giving you unique opportunities through this situation? Answers will vary
56
Peacemaking Part 1 ~ 5
Books Bartel, Tara Klena & Dabler, Judy, Peacemaking Women. Sande, Ken, The Peacemaker. Sande, Ken, Peacemaking for Families.
Booklets Peacemaker Ministries, Peacemaking Principles Pamphlet.
Audios Newheiser, Jim. “Biblical Peacemaking Series.”
57
58
CDC 11
Peacemaking Part 2 Do All That Is in Your Power to Pursue Peace
Matt 5:9; Heb 12:14
A. Don’t stir up strife. Rom 16:17; Prov 6:19; 26:21; 18:21; 10:19; Titus 3:10; Eph 4:29; Jas 1:19; 3:1ff
B. Overlook minor offenses. Rom 14:19; 1 Pet 4:8; Prov 10:12; 19:11; 29:11, 20, 22; 25:28; 15:18; 14:19; Matt 5:39-40; Phil 2:5ff; Matt 5:39-40; 1 Cor 13:7
C. Be ready to make sacrifices for the sake of peace. 1 Cor 6:7; Prov 17:14
D. Trust God to defend your interests. 1 Pet 2:23
E. Confess your sins: Get the log out of your eye. Matt 7:1-5; 5:23-24; Prov 28:13 1. You must deal with your own sin before you can help others to overcome theirs.
2. Face up to the root of sin in your own heart. Jas 4:1-2; Prov 2:24; Matt 15:18
3. Seek forgiveness for whatever fault you may have (even if it is only 10%).
59
2 ~ Peacemaking Part 2
4. Seek forgiveness biblically (7 A’s from The Peacemaker). Matt 5:23-24; 2 Cor 7:10-11 • Address everyone involved .
• Avoid “if, but, maybe.”
•Admit specifically.
• Acknowledge the hurt.
• Accept the consequences.
• Alter your behavior.
• Ask for forgiveness .
60
Peacemaking Part 2 ~ 3
Discussion (33:45)
1. What is a good question to have counselees ask themselves when determining whether or not to speak during a conflict? In a conflict people need to ask themselves if what they are saying is being said to build up or tear down the other person. Honestly answering this question will help counselees distinguish between what they feel like saying and what would actually be profitable for making peace. Ephesians 4:29 is a key text for this.
2. Is it necessary to go through the process of biblical confrontation every time someone sins against you? After learning the biblical process of peacemaking, some people think it’s necessary to confront sin every time they see it. Naturally argumentative people can be particularly prone to this. It is important to keep in mind that Proverbs 19:11 says it is a person’s glory to overlook an offense. Believers ought to be ready and willing to extend grace in overlooking the minor offenses of others, covering a multitude of sins with love, as 1 Peter 4:8 says. Knowing that another’s sin is forgiven by Christ gives us this amazing ability.
3. What is radically different about the peacemaking approach that Jesus taught? The flesh tells us that the other person needs to apologize to us first. The flesh tells us it’s mostly the other person’s fault. Jesus tells us that we must deal with our own sin first! No matter what the other person’s sin, if we have sinned we are responsible for confession and repentance before God first, and then to the other person as well. This means that no matter what the situation, a believer is always responsible to be the initiator of peace.
4. What are the 7 A’s of Confession? The 7 A’s of Confession are a tool to help guide people through the process of seeking forgiveness in a Biblical manner. They are: address everyone involved; avoid if, but, maybe; admit specifically; acknowledge the hurt; accept the consequences; alter your behavior; ask for forgiveness.
5. Why is it important to go through such a thorough process of confession? Half-hearted confessions can be likened to mowing the weeds. On the surface at first it appears that things have been taken care of. Over time, however, it begins to be evident that things were not truly resolved. Perhaps a wife cannot really get over her husband’s affair or a once close friendship is now cool and distant. Careful and thorough confession is aimed at pulling the weeds, or addressing all aspects of a wrong done so that true reconciliation can take place.
61
4 ~ Peacemaking Part 2
F. Be ready to forgive others as God has forgiven you. Ps 86:5; Eph 4:32; Col 3:12-14 1. Forgiveness is not optional for forgiven people. Matt 6:12; 18:21-35; Jer 31:34
2. Make the promises of forgiveness (from The Peacemaker). Matt 6:12; 1 Cor 13:5 • I will not think about this incident.
• I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
• I will not talk to others about this incident.
• I will not allow this incident to stand between us.
G. Use the PAUSE principle in negotiating/peacemaking (from The Peacemaker). 1. Prepare for peacemaking. 1 Cor 4:13
2. Affirm relationships. 1 Cor 13:7
3. Understand the interests of others: listen! Phil 2:3-4; Jas 1:19; 1 Pet 3:7; Prov 20:5
62
Peacemaking Part 2 ~ 5
4. Search for creative solutions. Dan 1; Ecc 9:16
5. Evaluate options objectively and reasonably.
63
6 ~ Peacemaking Part 2
Discussion (55:41)
1. What if I don’t feel like forgiving? Scripture commands us to forgive those who have repented. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. If someone has truly repented and sought our forgiveness we must forgive them. We must ask God for help and meditate on the gospel.
2. How does the gospel empower us to forgive? The gospel tells us that God has forgiven us an infinite debt in Christ. Since we have been forgiven the great sins we have committed against God, it is only natural that we would forgive the sins that others commit against us. The parable of the unmerciful servant in Matt 18:21-35 is a key text for this.
3. What are the four promises of forgiveness? To extend true forgiveness to someone you must commit not to think about the incident, bring it back up and use it against that person, talk about it with others or allow it to stand in the way of a restored relationship. These four promises are a helpful tool for a counselor to use in teaching what true forgiveness looks like.
4. What if the other person doesn’t repent? True restoration can only take place if there is confession and repentance on the side of the person who has sinned and whole-hearted forgiveness on the side of the person sinned against. This transaction cannot take place if the sinner does not repent. A lack of repentance, however, is not a license to have an angry and bitter attitude. Christians must have a Christlike attitude in that they are longing for restoration and ready and willing to offer forgiveness if the other party ever seeks for it.
5. How can you help your counselees understand each other’s concerns? One very practical thing to have a counselee do is to ask them to explain the situation from the other person’s perspective. This will require them to really listen to what the other person is saying. Also, if the other person is present it gives them a chance to explain themselves if they realize they are not being understood.
Booklets Peacemaker Ministries, Peacemaking Principles Pamphlet.
64
CDC 12
Peacemaking Part 3 Promote Peace by Confronting Sin Biblically A. Be willing to receive correction from others. Prov 15:31 1. Pride destroys peacemaking.
B. Love sometimes requires you to go and show your brother his fault. Rom 15:14; Lev 19:17 Which sins must you confront? 1. Notorious sins which could damage the Lord’s reputation. 1 Cor 5:1,11
2. Sins which endanger the purity and unity of the church. Rom 16:17-18; 1 Cor 5:6-7; 15:33
3. Sins which could ruin the offender. Jas 5:19-20; Gal 6:1
4. Sins which could affect your relationship with this person. Matt 18:15; Eph 4:26-27
C. First, practice personal peacemaking. Matt18:15; 5:23-24 1. Go to the individual first before involving others.
2. Go gently, lovingly, and humbly for the purpose of restoration. Gal 6:1-2
65
2 ~ Peacemaking Part 3
3. If he repents, rejoice and forgive. Matt 18:21-22; Jas 5:19-20; Prov 11:30
D. Then, if necessary, seek help in making peace (assisted peacemaking). Matt 18:16 1. Others can bear witness and join in admonishing the sinner to repent. Deut 19:15
2. If you can’t resolve a conflict on your own, seek godly counsel to help you.
3. Sometimes mediation or binding arbitration may be appropriate. 1 Cor 6:5
E. Finally, if necessary, take it to the church. Matt 18:17a 1. The leaders of the church will determine the validity of the charges and the means of dealing with the matter publicly.
2. The other members join in to plead with the sinner to repent. 2 Thess 3:14-15
F. If he refuses to listen to the church, he is to be put out of the assembly. Matt 18:17b-20; 1 Cor 5:4-5, 13b; 1 Tim 1:19-20; Ps 1:6
2. He is to be regarded as an unbeliever and an outsider. Matt 18:17b
3. Church discipline takes place with the authority of the Lord. Matt 18:18-20
66
Peacemaking Part 3 ~ 3
4. What is the purpose of church discipline? 1 Cor 5:5-7; 15:33; Deut 13:11; 2 Cor 2:6-8
5. Biblical peacemaking requires a biblical church structure. Heb. 13:17 • Membership in a local church is a concept taught in the New Testament.
• Membership is necessary for accountability to a particular set of leaders.
• Membership provides many benefits.
• Leaders of local churches need to faithfully shepherd the sheep.
• Local churches need to be willing to work together when it comes to discipline.
6. Authority relationships do not negate the responsibility to confront sin. • Husband/wife
• Employer/employee
67
4 ~ Peacemaking Part 3
Questions A. Does this approach to confronting sin violate confidentiality or one’s right to privacy? 1 Tim 1:19-20; Prov 29:25; Eph 5:11
B. Do these peacemaking techniques ever fail? Prov 3:5-6
C. How can these principles be applied with unbelievers?
D. Is there ever a time when it is appropriate for Christians to go to court?
Conclusion A. Before you can make peace with men, you must have peace with God. Rom 5:1,10; 8:6; Isa 9:6; 57:21; Luke 1:79; 2:14; 19:38; Eph 2:14,17; John 17:20-21; 2 Cor 5:18-20
68
Peacemaking Part 3 ~ 5
Discussion (48:20)
1. What are some important things to consider before attempting to confront someone’s sin? Answers may include: Ask yourself if you are a person willing to receive correction. Determine if this is a sin you must confront; if it does not meet the criteria, it would be wise to overlook the offense. Be sure you are ready to go in a spirit of gentleness, etc.
2. Describe the peacemaking process as laid out in Matt 18:15-22 Matthew 18 lays out a 4-step process to biblically confronting sin. The first step is to go one on one and gently show your brother his sin. If he refuses to repent the second step would be necessary. The second step is to bring one or two others to join you in confronting your brother. If he still refuses to repent, that would be the time to involve the church. Led by the elders, the congregation would join in pleading with that brother to repent. If that brother still refuses to listen, the fourth and final step would be to put him out of the church.
3. What is the goal at every stage of this process? The goal at every stage of this process must be restoration of the guilty party. Each step is designed to increase the intensity with a view of bringing a sinner to repentance. If at any stage the person repents, they are to be forgiven and joyfully restored to relationship with the other believers involved.
4. What is the purpose of church discipline? The purpose of church discipline is to protect the church from impurity, to bring the sinner to repentance, and to guard the reputation of Christ.
5. How is church structure related to peacemaking? The final stages of the biblical process of confrontation involve the intervention of the church. If a believer does not belong to a particular church, there is no church authority to bring in. If the believer does belong to a church, the leaders of the church must also be committed to their responsibility to enact church discipline when necessary. Without this structure many confrontations between professing believers get left unresolved and unrepentant people are permitted to carry on as if they are still a part of the church. continued
69
6 ~ Peacemaking Part 3
6. What is a key text that supports the need for church membership? Hebrews 13:17 is a key text which shows that believers ought to have one group of elders to which they are accountable
and church elders ought to have a certain flock for which they are responsible. Membership is a logical way to bring this about.
7. What if the person sinning against you is someone in authority over you? No human authority supersedes God’s authority. If someone in authority over you is sinning against God, it is your responsibility as a believer to confront that sin, working through the process of discipline, if necessary. The procedure for this for those in spiritual leadership is shown in 1 Tim 5:19-20.
70
CDC 13
Grace When Things Are Hard Introduction
Heb 5:8-10
You Will Face Trials A. Trials are the ordinary experience of believers living in a fallen world. Luke 12:52-53; John 16:33; 1 Pet 4:12-13; Job 5:7; Phil. 3:10; Col. 1:24; 2 Cor 4:8; Ps 34:19a
B. Believers in the Bible suffered great trials. Gen 3:12; 4:8ff; 12:11ff; 25:28ff; 27:1ff; 25:22; 37:2ff; 1 Sam 2:12ff; 8:3; 2 Sam 12:10ff; 13:1ff; 15:1ff; Ezek 18:1ff ; Job 1:18-19; 2:9
C. We continue to endure significant trials.
D. James does not say that we can, through faith and prayer, eliminate trials. Jas 1:5-7; Job 5:7; Heb 11:1ff; Ezek 18:1ff; Luke 12:52-53
E. Trials typically fall upon you unexpectedly. Luke 10:30
71
2 ~ Grace When Things Are Hard
Discussion (9:45)
1. What are some common areas of trial that believers face? Answers may include: family, health, finances, work, marriage, etc.
2. What does Jim mean when he says counselors and pastors should not “data dump?” Often the point when someone is willing to ask for help from a pastor or counselor is when they are facing a severe trial. This is not the time to heap them with every Scripture reference that might apply to their problem. Pastors and counselors need to avoid minimizing the severity of the trial by offering “pat” answers. Rather they need to lovingly disciple them through the trial, teaching them to see the truth and hope that God’s word has for them.
3. Why do Christians tend to be so surprised by trials even when the Bible speaks so often about them? We live in a culture surrounded by stories and movies that have “happily ever after” endings. The health, wealth and prosperity gospel also can subtly influence us. We may know on a conscious level what the Bible says about trials, but without realizing it we often have expectations of everything going our way.
God Is at Work in Your Trials and Uses Your Trials to Mature You
Jas 1:2-4
A. Consider it all joy – It is vital for you to think correctly about your trials. 1 Pet 1:6 1. You can rejoice because God is in the picture. Think beyond your pain to the good our sovereign God is doing. Heb 12:11; Rom 8:28; Gen 50:20
2. What are some positive examples of those who had joy in their trials? Acts 5:40-41; 16:25; Col 1:24; Heb 12:1ff; 11:26; 2 Cor 6:10; 7:4; 12:9ff; Matt 5:10-12
B. God uses trials to help you to grow. Jas1:3; Rom 5:2-4; 1 Pet 1:6-7; Ps 40:1-2; 2 Thess 1:3-4 1. Knowing – You need to understand God’s purpose in your trials. Prov 27:6; 3:11-12
72
Grace When Things Are Hard ~ 3
2. The testing of your faith – Your trials prove and refine your faith. 1 Pet 1:7; Ps 12:6
3. Produces endurance – Your trials produce needed steadfastness. Rom 5:3; Heb 12:11; Luke 8:15;
2 Thess 1:4; Rev 2:2; 13:10; 2 Pet 1:6; Heb 11:37-39; 2 Cor 12:9ff
C. The end result of your trials is that you will be mature. Jas1:4; Matt 5:48 1. Let endurance have its perfect result – Trials do not always and automatically produce endurance.
2. In what sense can you become perfect and complete? Jas 1:4, 12; 3:2; Matt 5:48; 19:21; Col 1:28; 4:12; 1 Thess 5:23; Phil 3:15
Discussion (23:39)
1. How can we consider it joy when we are encountering trials? While we aren’t joyful about the trial itself, we can rejoice knowing that God is certainly at work in and through this situation. He has a purpose to do something good.
2. What if we don’t feel joyful? It is significant that James says to “consider” it joy. This is not the typical first response to trial; rather this is a conscious decision to view our trials through the lens of God’s Word. As we choose to consider God’s purpose and promises we can find joy in Him.
3. Can you think of a time that God used a trial to bring about good in your life or the life of someone you know? Answers will vary. Some examples from Scripture could include Hannah, Joseph, Job, etc.
73
4 ~ Grace When Things Are Hard
Ask God for Wisdom in Your Trials
Jas 1:5-8
A. We especially need wisdom when facing trails. Jas 1:5a; 3:17; Prov 1:2ff
B. Ask God to give you the wisdom you need. Jas 1:5a 1. Admit that you lack wisdom. Matt 5:3, 6
2. Seek wisdom as God’s great gift. Prov 2:6; Rom 11:33
3. The wisdom we seek is embodied in the Person of Jesus Christ. 1 Cor 1:30; Col 2:3
C. God gladly gives His wisdom to all those who seek Him. Prov 1:21ff; 9:1ff; 2:1ff 1. James echoes Jesus’ teaching. Matt 7:7-11; John 14:13-14
2. God gives generously. 2 Cor 8:2; 9:11; Rom 8:31ff; Eph 3:20-21; 1 Kgs 3:9ff
3. He gives without reproach. Prov 23:6-7; Ps 103:13; Isa 55:6-9
4. This is an absolute promise of God. Prov 1:20ff; John 7:37; Ps 81:10
74
Grace When Things Are Hard ~ 5
D. How does God impart His wisdom? Jas 1:18; Rom 10:17; Ps 1:2; Prov 1:5 1. Do not expect God to impart the skill of wisdom to you by zapping you.
2. God uses His Word to make you wise. Jas 1:18, 21; Rom 10:17; Ps 1:1ff
E. You must ask in faith. Jas 1:6b-8 1. What does it mean to ask in faith? Heb 11:6; Matt 21:22; Mark 11:24; Rom 4:21
2. What kind of doubt is James condemning? Jas 1:6; Matt 26:39; Mark 9:24
3. God hates double mindedness. Jas 1:8; 4:8, 4; Ps 119:113; Prov 3:5-6; 28:26; Ps 1:1; Jer 17:5;
Rev 3:15-16; Matt 6:24; 1 Kgs 18:21; 2 Kgs 17:33; Rev 3:15
4. God blesses those who have undivided loyalty and commitment to Him with wisdom and stability. Ps 1:3; Jer 17:7-8; Deut 6:5; Prov 3:5-6; Heb 6:10; Matt 7:24-25
75
6 ~ Grace When Things Are Hard
Discussion (38:56)
1. How should we pray about our trials? We have to admit our weakness and need for wisdom. Then we must ask for wisdom - the ability to see all of life from God’s perspective and act accordingly. This means we must want what God wants even more than we want to be comfortable or to escape the trial.
2. What are some sinful ways people respond to trial? Answers may include: anger, self-pity, blaming God, double mindedness, etc.
Never Lose Sight of God’s Goodness in Your Trials
Jas 1:12-18
A. Satan will tempt you to doubt God’s goodness when you are enduring trials. Gen 3:5
B. Don’t blame God when you are tempted. Jas 1:13
C. God is good. Jas 1:17; Ps 145:15-16, 19; Matt 5:45; John 3:16; Acts 17:25 1. He is the Father (Creator) of lights. Gen 1:14ff; Ps 136:6-8; 1 John 1:5; 1 Tim 6:16
2. He is immutably perfect in His goodness. Jas 1:17d; Mal 3:6; 1 John 1:5; Heb 13:8; Ps 18:30a; 100:5; 102:26-27; Isa 40:8
76
Grace When Things Are Hard ~ 7
D. God generously gives good gifts. Jas 1:17, 5 1. He is the source of every good gift. Jas 4:4; 3:15, 17; 1:5; John 3:3, 7, 16, 31; 2 Pet 1:3-4
2. God is good to everything and everyone, even His enemies. Matt 5:45; 6:26-30; Acts 14:17; Ps 104:27-28; 145:15-16
3. His gifts are perfect (complete). Jas 1:25; Deut 32:4; Ps 19:7
4. God’s best gifts are spiritual. Jas 1:5; 3:17; 2 Pet 1:3-4; Col 3:1-2; Matt 7:11; Rom 6:23; John 3:16; 14:17; Ezek 36:25-26; Ps 19:7ff; 1 Cor 10:13
E. When you feel overwhelmed by trials and are tempted to doubt God’s goodness, remember His good gifts. Rom 8:31ff; 2 Pet 1:3-4; Prov 18:22; 19:14; 1 Thess 5:18; 1 Tim 4:4-5; Ps 73:1, 17ff; 74:12ff; 80:8ff
Conclusion
Ps 119:67, 71
77
8 ~ Grace When Things Are Hard
Discussion (50:35)
1. A common complaint of those overwhelmed by trial is that, “God is giving me more than I can bear.” What is a key text that you can use to assure them this is not the case? 1 Corinthians 10:13 is a promise from God that He will never send a trial without providing the means to bear up under it. When a counselee grasps this truth they can move from feeling like they have either to escape or be conquered by the trial, to being willing to seek to glorify God through their trial.
2. What are some ways we can keep God’s goodness in sight when we are going through trial? Answers may include: remembering and meditating on His promises, giving thanks for the good that He is doing in the present trial and recalling the way He has brought you and others through trials in the past.
3. How can knowing that Christ suffered help us through trials? Because Christ has suffered He can sympathize with us in our sufferings. He is a compassionate High Priest who intercedes for us. He also suffered perfectly, satisfying God in every respect as He underwent trial. We can rejoice that His perfect righteousness ensures God’s love towards believers, even when they fail in times of trial. Hebrews 4:14-16 is a key text for this.
78
CDC 14
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart Introduction: Anger Is a Problem Both in the World and in the Church
Understanding Anger A. What is anger? 1. Anger is an emotion. Anger is our whole-personed active response of negative moral judgment against perceived evil. (Robert Jones)
2. All anger seems righteous. Jas 1:20; Rom 12:17-21
3. Anger has a physical component. Gen 4:5; Exod 32:19; Ps 4:4
4. Anger is active. Exod 32:19-20; Gen 39:19-20
B. Anger is not necessarily sinful. 1. God gets angry. Exod 4:14; 15:8; Num 25:4; Ps 7:11; 18:7-8; 2:4-5, 12; Deut 29:27-28; John 3:36;
Rom 1:18
2. Jesus was angry. Mark 3:5; 10:14; Matt 21:12; John 2:13-17
79
2 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
3. Righteous anger is rare! Eph 4:26ff; Acts 17:16
C. Anger is very deceptive. Jer 17:9-10; Eph 4:25 1. We typically try to justify our anger.
2. Some deny their anger or try to justify themselves by calling it something else.
3. Many blame their anger on something outside of themselves. Mark 7:14-23
4. Some try to blame genetics (nature) or their upbringing (nurture).
D. Anger is dangerous. Eph 4:26-27; Eccl 7:9 1. Anger is usually murderous by nature. Matt 5:21ff; 1 Sam 20:30-33; 1 John 3:15; Prov 11:9; Gen 4:6-7;
Acts 7:54ff
2. Anger gives the devil an opportunity. Eph 4:26-27; John 8:44; Jas 1:14-15
3. Those who give in to anger are at risk of losing control. Prov 25:28; 29:8, 11; 14:17
4. Anger is destructive and leads to many other sins. Eph 4:31; 1 Sam 18:8-9; Luke 15:28-30; Col 3:19;
Prov. 29:22, 14:17; Num 20:6-12; Ps 106:32-33
80
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart ~ 3
5. Anger is contagious. Prov 22:24-25; 15:1,18
Discussion (14:47)
1. How serious is anger? Most ungodly anger is a sin that sometimes goes on under the radar. Even long-time Christians and church leaders sometimes let their anger go unchecked, justifying it or blaming it on something else. Christ said, however, that anger is as serious as murder. The Scriptures talk extensively about the danger of ungodly murder.
2. What are some ways that people try to justify their anger? Answers may include: denying it by calling it something else like frustration, blaming it on circumstances, blaming it on genetics or personality, etc.
3. Why does anger often feel righteous? All anger seems to be righteous in the moment. It is a person’s response to perceived injustice. Most angry people believe their anger is righteous; however, truly righteous anger actually is very rare. See the last discussion question section for an explanation of how to determine whether or not anger is righteous.
What Causes Out-of-Control Anger? A. Explanations of secular psychology – nature and nurture.
B. Scripture deals with most anger as a sin issue. Matt 5:21-22; Jas 1:19-20; 4:1ff; Eph 4:26-27; Col 3:8; Prov 14:29; 15:18; 19:19; 22:24; 29:22; 2 Cor 7:10-11
81
4 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
C. Scripture teaches that anger begins in the heart. Mark 7:21; Matt 12:34
D. We become angry because we want something (too much). Jas 4:1-4; Isa 55:1-2 1. What do I seek and treasure more than Christ? Isa 55:1-2; Jas 4:4
2. A legitimate desire when it becomes a controlling desire (or demand) becomes a sinfully idolatrous desire.
3. Angry people have false beliefs that they possess certain rights including the right to express their anger (judgment/revenge) when their rights are violated,
4. Angry people often succeed in getting what they want by manipulating others.
5. In the end angry people experience loss (including the loss of their idols).
What Are Some Unbiblical Means People Use to Deal with Anger? A. Secular psychology promotes anger management – expressing, suppressing, calming.
B. Secular strategies try to keep anger at bay– relaxation, cognitive restructuring, problem solving, communication, humor, changing environment, counseling.
82
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart ~ 5
C. The secular methodologies do not address the heart of anger.
D. There are many sinful ways in which people deal with anger. Prov 29:22; Eccl 7:9 1. Ventilation. Prov 12:18; 29:11; 25:28; Eph 4:29,31; Jas 1:19; 4:11-12; Gal 5:15; Rom 12:19-21; 1 Pet 3:8-9;
Num 20:6-12
2. Displacement. Matt 5:21-22
3. Internalizing. Lev 19:17-18; 1 Kgs 21:4; Eph 4:31
4. Excusing. Jas 1:13-15; 19-20; 1 Cor 10:13
83
6 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
Discussion (30:00)
1.Where does anger come from? While most people would like to blame circumstances for provoking them to anger, Jesus says that anger comes out of the heart. A person who is acting out in anger is simply revealing the sinfulness in their own heart.
2. What is the root reason we become sinfully angry? The root of sinful anger is actually idolatry. Even a legitimate desire can become an idolatrous desire when we want something too much. Our pride tells us that we possess certain rights and we get angry when we don’t get them. James 4:1-4 is a key text for this.
3. Are secular anger management strategies effective? While secular anger management strategies can assist people in calming their physiological responses and controlling their outbursts of anger, they do not address the real issues of the heart. Biblical counselors recognize that they are not merely seeking to help people to control anger, but actually to uproot it from the heart.
You Can Overcome Anger by God’s Grace. Address Your Heart with Truth. A. The key is what you are saying in your own heart. Phil 4:8-9; Prov 4:23; Mark 7:21-23
B. Five things to tell yourself when you are getting angry. 1. I want something too much – Idolatry. Jas 4:1-4; Isa 55:1-2; Rom 1:25
2. I am not God – Judge. Jas 1:19-20; 4:19-20; Gen 50:19; 1 Pet 2:23; Matt 7:1ff; 1 Cor 4:5; Rom 12:17-21
84
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart ~ 7
3. God has been very gracious to me – In Christ. Exod 34:6; Ps 103:8; Eph 4:31-32; Col 3:13; Matt 18:22-35; 1 Tim 1:15-16; Rom 5:10, 3:21-26; Prov 19:11; 1 Pet 4:8
4. God is in control – He is doing good and will not give me more than I can bear. 1 Cor 10:13; Gen 50:21; Rom 8:28; Acts 2:23; Ps 103:19; Jas 1:2ff; 1 Pet 1:6-7; Prov 21:1
5. Remember who I am – A new creature in Christ. Rom 6:11; 2 Cor 5:17; 1 Pet 4:1-6; 1 Cor 10:13; Gal 5:13-16, 19-23; Titus 3:3
C. Five more things to remember as you are calming down. 1. God’s grace helps me to exercise self control, patience and gentleness. 1 Cor 13:4-5; Jas 1:19;
Titus 1:7; Prov 12:16; 14:29; 16:32; 19:11; 29:8, 11; 14:17; Col 3:19
2. God’s grace enables me to speak with gentleness and grace. Prov 15:1; Eph 4:29
3. God’s grace enables me to lovingly do good to those who wronged me. Rom 12:20; Matt 5:43ff;
Gen 50:21; 45:7-11; Luke 6:27-28; Eph 5:1-2
4. God’s grace enables me to receive correction, even from those who hurt me. Prov 9:8; 13:10; 2 Sam 16:5-13; Matt 7:1ff
5. God’s grace helps me to pursue the restoration of those who hurt me. Gal 6:1-2 • Their sin is primarily against God (it is not about me!). Ps 51:4
• My objective is to restore (not to vent or to judge) my brother/sister. Matt 4:21
85
8 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
• If I am to help, I must be “spiritual” and gentle. Gal 5:13-23
D. Five more practical principles. 1. Don’t be quarrelsome. Prov 17:14; 29:3; 26:20; 1 Pet 3:7
2. Deal with your anger and conflict quickly. Eph 4:26-27; Matt 5:23-24; 7:1ff
3. Prepare for temptation. Prov 21:5
4. Seek God’s help through prayer. Heb 4:16
5. Your anger can motivate you to pursue a biblical solution to problems.
Common Questions About Anger A. When is anger righteous? (From Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger) Mark 3:1-6 1. A real sin has taken place. 1 Sam 11:1-6; Mark 10:13-16; Acts 17:16; 1 John 3:4
2. My concern is for God’s kingdom, not my own. John 2:13-17; Ps 119:52-54; 103-104, 127-128, 139:22
86
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart ~ 9
3. Anger is righteously expressed. Ps 106:33; Rom 12:17-21; Gal 6:1-2
B. How can you be angry and yet not sin? Eph 4:26; Jas 1:19
C. Is it ever permissible to be angry with God? Dan 4:34-35; Job 1:22, 2:9; Rom 9:20; Jas 1:13; Ps 73:2-3; 1 Chr 13:11-13; Gen 4:6-7; Deut 29:29; Hab 1:1-4, 1:12-2:1; Ps 13:1ff, 62:8, 115:3
D. What if you are angry with yourself ?
1. Sometimes we are angry at ourselves because of pride. Jer 17:9
2. The only verdict which matters is that of God Who has declared you righteous for Christ’s sake. Phil 3:9; 1 Tim 1:15-16; 1 Cor 6:9-11
Counseling an Angry Person A. Data gathering/interpretation. 1. What does this person want so badly? Jas 4:1ff (see attachment)
2. Is physical abuse taking place? Is anyone in danger?
B. Homework for those who give in to anger. 1. Repent of anger. Abandon your rights. Phil 2:3-8; Mark 10:42-45; John 13:1-17 87
10 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
2. Create note cards for what you need to tell yourself when you are angry.
3. Make a plan for dealing with anger. Prov 27:12
4. Keep an anger journal (see attachment).
5. Meditate upon and memorize key texts.
6. Reading.
Conclusion: Propitiation
88
Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart ~ 11
Discussion (55:19)
1. How do we go about uprooting anger from the heart? We must address the heart with the truth of the gospel. There are five key truths that will help in doing so. An angry person must remember that they are wanting something so much they are committing idolatry, they are not God the judge, God has been very gracious to them in Christ, God is in control and working good in the situation, and they are a new creation in Christ. Believing and thinking on these truths will so help to change a person’s perspective on the situation that they will no longer be able to stay angry.
2. What is a key parable to use in counseling an angry person? A key parable to use in counseling is the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matt 18:22-35. This parable illustrates the gospel truth that, in Christ, God has abundantly pardoned all a believer’s transgressions against Him. Meditating upon the grace that God has shown them will enable people to show that grace to others.
3. When is anger righteous? Anger is righteous only when all of the following things are true: a real sin has taken place against God, a person’s concern is for God’s kingdom, and anger is righteously expressed according to the Scriptures. Counselors can help their counselees to evaluate their anger according to these standards. In most cases this will expose sinful anger for what it is and help a counselee to see that they need to repent of it.
Books Adams, Jay, The Christian Counselor’s Manual. Harvey, Dave, When Sinners Say I Do. Jones, Robert D., Uprooting Anger. Mack, Wayne, Anger and Stress Management God’s Way. Mack, Wayne, Homework Manual for Biblical Living. “Anger Homework.” Priolo, Lou, Getting a Grip. Priolo, Lou, The Heart of Anger. Tripp, Paul, War of Words.
89
12 ~ Anger Mismanagement: Only Grace Transforms the Heart
Booklets Adams, Jay, What to Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand. Jones, Robert D., Angry at God: Bring Him Your Doubts and Questions. Newheiser, Jim, Help! Someone I Love has been Abused. Powlison, David, Anger: Escaping the Maze.
Audios Mack, Wayne. “Counseling Angry People.” Maxham, Tom. “Drawing Out Idols of the Heart.” Newheiser, Jim. “Who is a Murderer? Matt 5:21-16.” Tripp, Paul. “War of Words.”
Supplemental Resources Newheiser, Jim. “What Provokes Me to Anger?” Priolo, Lou. “Anger ‘Hot Button’ List.” “Anger Journal/Heart Journal.”
90
CDC 15
Biblical Counseling: Depression Understanding Depression A. What is depression? 1. Depression is more than feeling a bit down. Prov 18:14
2. A major depressive disorder includes five or more of the following symptoms (DSM IV): • Depressed mood most of the day.
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities.
• Significant weight loss or weight gain.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia.
• Psychomoter agitation or retardation.
• Fatigue or loss of energy.
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive/inappropriate guilt.
91
2 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate. Indecisiveness.
• Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation without a specific plan.
3. Depression is widespread in society and among Christians.
4. Some people are more prone to depression than others.
5. Cases of depression need to be handled with compassion. Prov 25:20
6. Different kinds of depression include: major depressive disorder, postpartum depression, seasonal affective disorder, dysythmic disorder, etc.
7. Psychological labels are descriptions which say little about cures or ultimate causes.
B. How are we to understand depression? 1. Many say that depression is merely a disease.
2. Many secular psychologists see mankind as merely physical and therefore tend to see depression as a physical problem with a chemical solution.
92
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 3
3. Christians recognize the dual nature of mankind – body and soul. 2 Cor 4:16; 5:8 • The soul is embedded in a body (which is socially embedded).
• What happens to the body influences the soul. Job 2
• What happens to the soul may influence the body. Prov14:30; 17:22; Ps 38:1ff
• What happens in one’s social environment may affect both body and soul.
4. Depression affects both body and soul.
5. Depression will always have a spiritual component and will usually have a physical component.
6. Bodily (brain) weakness cannot prevent spiritual growth. 2 Cor 12:7ff; 4:7-10, 16-18
C. Why do people get depressed? 1. Depression usually has spiritual (soul) causes. • Sin and guilt. Ps 32:3-4; 38:1ff; Jer 2:13
93
4 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
• Overwhelming circumstances. Ps 42:1-7, 9-10; 43:2; 2 Sam 17:23; Job 1-2
• Injustice. Ps 73:2-14
• Relationships. Jer 17:5-6
2. Some depression may have physical causes – exhaustion, substance abuse, brain disease or weakness. 1 Kgs 19:4ff
3. Sometimes there are multiple causes.
4. You may face cases in which you cannot determine the cause(s). 1 Cor 13
D. Do drugs help depressed people? Prov 17:22 1. Psychotropic drugs are prescribed to bring brain chemistry back into balance.
2. Even if brain chemistry is out of balance it is not clear whether this is the cause of depression or the result of spiritual issues (see above).
3. In cases in which the cause is spiritual, drugs may address the symptoms of depression, but they do not address the cause.
94
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 5
4. Anti-depressants do not claim to cure depression.
5. Psychotropic drugs have adverse side-effects and often lose their potency.
6. We do not tell people not to use drugs or to get off of their drugs.
7. Our focus is addressing the spiritual issues which are always present. 1 Cor 10:13
8. A counselee who chooses to get off of psychotropic drugs must do so under a doctor’s supervision.
9. While I believe that drugs are over-prescribed for depression, I am reluctant to pass judgment in particular situations. Matt 7:1ff
95
6 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
Discussion (24:38)
1. Can the DSM be helpful for biblical counselors? What are its limitations? The DSM is often very effective in describing problems. It can be helpful to counselors in identifying depression and other issues that counselees face. Because it is a secular document, however, it is rarely helpful in offering solutions.
2. What are some underlying assumptions that cause Christians to approach depression differently than secular counselors? Many secular counselors see depression as purely physical in nature. Because of this they are apt to treat it with medication. Biblical counselors see the dual nature of a person, body and soul. They recognize that depression may often have a physical component and always has a spiritual component.
3. What are some important things for biblical counselors to keep in mind when handling cases of depression? Answers may include: There may be multiple factors. You may not always be able to determine what the issue is. Sin is not the only cause of depression. Don’t be judgmental.
What do you do if your counselee is on drugs for depression? Biblical counselors can address the spiritual issues of their counselees whether or not they are taking medication for depression. We are not doctors and therefore need to be very careful to not interfere with their doctor’s actions and prescriptions. If a counselee desires to stop medication we can help him evaluate the reasons for this, making sure they are biblical, and help him devise a helpful way to approach his physician in seeking to work towards this goal.
E. Depression works in cycles. 1. Depression cycles down. • Depression often begins with a problem followed by a sinful response to that problem which leads to a complicating problem.
• Hopeless thoughts lead to greater hopelessness.
96
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 7
• Failure to perform duties/chores makes one feel more guilty and depressed, which makes it harder to perform duties.
2. Depressed people can cycle back up again.
3. People who are prone to depression tend to cycle in and out of depression.
4. Many have patterns of alternating high activity followed by depression (“bi-polar” or manic-depressive).
5. It often takes a long time for a person to come out of depression. Ps 88: 13-18
F. Depression is very serious. 1. Some are debilitated.
2. Those who despair are at risk of suicide. 2 Sam 16:23; 17:14, 23; Jonah 4:3
3. Depressed people are often angry at God, others and themselves.
G. It is very difficult and draining to counsel depressed people.
97
8 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
Counseling a Depressed Person: Data Gathering/Interpretation A. Listen sympathetically and patiently. Prov 20:5; 25:20; Matt 7:1ff
B. What is the cause of this depression?
C. What is the history/pattern of depression?
D. What lies is your depression telling you?
E. Are the counselee’s physical needs being met?
F. Who else is being affected? Depression is contagious.
G. Offer encouragement.
H. Pray with and for your counselee.
98
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 9
Exposition of Key Texts: Applying the Gospel to Depressed People A. Psalm 32 1. Sin makes your life miserable. Ps 32:3-4
2. David’s depression lifted when he repented of his sin. Ps 32:1,5
3. Our sin is covered, forgiven, and not imputed against us because of Christ. Isa 53:3ff
B Psalm 73 1. Injustice in the world can test your faith. Ps 73:1-14
2. You need a change in perspective - from the here and now to the eternal and heavenly.
3. The world does not change, but the psalmist does, as he finds satisfaction in God alone.
4. Christ endured injustice for us and makes us fit for God’s holy presence.
Ps 73:15-28
Ps 73: 25-26
C. Psalm 42-43 1. Understand how the depressed person feels– dry and drowning all at the same time. Ps 42:1-4,
6-10; 43:1-4; Jonah 2:3ff
99
10 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
2. Stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself (MLJ). Ps 42:5, 11; 43:5 • Don’t judge reality by your circumstances. 2 Cor 5:7; 2 Kgs 6:16-17
• Remember your past enjoyment of fellowship with God. Ps 42:4
• Remember God’s covenant loving-kindness. Ps 42:8; Isa. 49:15; Jonah 2:7
• Hope in God – practical eschatology. Ps 42:5b, 11b; 43:5b; Jonah 2:9; Job 13:15
3. You may have to keep reminding yourself of the same truths. Ps 42:5, 11; 43:5
4. Go to God to quench your spiritual thirst. Ps 42:1-2, 4; Isa 55:1-2
5. Praise God with joy – the circumstances do not change, but the psalmist is transformed from despair to joy. Ps 43:4; 42:8
6. Jesus suffered the ultimate spiritual thirst for you so that you would thirst no more. John
19:28; 4:13-15; 7:37-39; 6:35; Matt 26:37ff
100
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 11
D. Psalm 88 1. Depression can be very deep.
2. Depression does not always go away quickly.
3. Sometimes depressed people simply need to be encouraged to endure.
Homework for Those Who Are Depressed A. Make sure physical needs are being met: sleep, food, exercise, etc. 1 Kgs 19:4, 9-10
B. Deal biblically with depression. 1. Confess and repent of sin. Ps 32:5
2. Submit to God’s sovereignty over your circumstances. Ps 73:15f f; Rom 8:28; Gen. 50:20
3. Stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself. Phil 4:8
4. Hope in God. Ps 42:5, 11; 43:5; Rom 8:29ff; Heb 13:5
101
12 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
5. Offer thanks and praise to God. Ps 43:4; 73:8; 32:11
6. Start to cycle out of depression by serving God and others. 1 Kgs 19:12-17; Matt 6:33; 22:37-39;
Phil 2:3-4; 2 Cor 5:9
C. Biblical memory and study. 1. Psalm 32
2. Psalm 73
3. Psalm 42
4. Jeremiah 17:5-8
102
Biblical Counseling: Depression ~ 13
Discussion
1. What can be particularly discouraging about counseling depressed people? Because depression often has multiple factors driving it, it can be very difficult for a counselor to understand the cause. It can also require an enormous amount of effort as the counselee needs help in a variety of areas. In cases of depression, change usually happens very gradually and often over long periods of time. Being aware of this can help counselors to persevere and fight their own feelings of discouragement as they struggle to help their counselees.
2. Describe some physical considerations that can compound situations of depression. Answers may include: erratic sleeping habits, lack of exercise, shirking responsibilities like housework until the situation is overwhelming, health problems, etc.
3. The Psalms are rich with verses that address the various aspects of depression. What is a good Psalm for a counselee dealing with depression as a result of unconfessed sin? Psalm 32
For those overwhelmed by circumstances? Psalm 73
To model how to cry out to the Lord in times of despair? Psalms 42-43
For longstanding depression that seems to never end? Psalm 88
4. What does it mean to stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself? A depressed person needs to repetitively remind themselves of the truths in God’s Word. This is a discipline that must be practiced. Any time counselees find themselves giving in to thoughts of despair they need to consciously remind themselves of the specific truths from God’s word that apply to their situation.
103
14 ~ Biblical Counseling: Depression
Books Fitzpatrick, E. & Hendrickson, L., Will Medicine Stop the Pain? Hodges, Charles, Good Mood Bad Mood: Help and Hope for Depression and Bipolar Disorder. Lloyd-Jones, Martin, Spiritual Depression. Mack, Wayne, Down but Not Out. Mack, Wayne, Homework Manual for Biblical Living Volume 1. “Depression Homework.” Vincent, Milton, The Gospel Primer. Welch, Ed, Blame It on the Brain. Welch, Ed, Depression: A Stubborn Darkness.
Booklets Adams, Jay, What Do You Do When You Become dDepressed? (pamphlet) Black, Jeffrey, Suicide: Understanding and Intervening. Welch, Ed, Depression: The Way Up When You Are Down.
Audios Hodges, Charles. “Good Mood, Bad Mood: Help for Depression.” Newheiser, Jim. “Blessed Forgiveness – Psalm 32.” Newheiser, Jim. “Thirsting for God – Psalms 42-43.” Newheiser, Jim. “Why do the Wicked Prosper? – Psalm 73.” Scipione, George. “Depression.”
Supplemental Resources The Journal of Biblical Counseling 18 (2 Winter 2000). The Journal of Biblical Counseling 18 (3 Spring 2000). Welch, Ed. “Possible Homework Assignments and Strategies.”
104
CDC 16
Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety Understanding Worry A. Worry is a problem of the mind.
B. Worry is sin. Phil 4:6-7; Matt 6:34
C. Worry is rooted in unbelief. Matt 6:30
D. The person who worries desires something in the place of God.
E. Worry can become life dominating. 1. Worry can lead to depression.
2. Worry can affect you physically. 1 Cor 6:19-20
F. Worry, stress, and fear are closely related.
G. Don’t deal with worry sinfully.
105
2 ~ Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety
1. By trying to control whatever it is that worries you.
2. By misusing drugs, alcohol, shopping, etc.
H. It is not wrong to plan, so long as you leave the outcome to God. Prov 21:5; Matt 6:34; Prov 16:9
Discussion (5:45)
1. Why is worry sinful? Worry is sinful because it is rooted in unbelief. Worrying about something shows that we don’t really trust God in that area. It also may be a form of idolatry. The worrying person is desiring something more than they are desiring God.
2. What are some ways that people respond sinfully to worry? Some people respond to worry by becoming very controlling. Others try escape routes like misusing alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc.
Why Shouldn’t You Worry? The Disease: Matt 6:25-32, 34 A. Worry is senseless because your Heavenly Father cares for you. Matt 6:25-26, 28-30 1. Because God has already given you the greater gift of life, you can trust Him to provide the lesser needs of sustenance. Matt 6:25; 7:9-11; Rom 8:32
106
Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety ~ 3
2. If God provides for the physical needs of the lesser creation, surely he will take care of you, His children. Matt 6:26, 28-30; Ps 147:9; 104:25, 27; Rom 1:20
B. Worry is useless because it accomplishes nothing. Matt 6:27, 34 1. Anxiety is futile. Matt 6:27; Heb 9:27; Ps 31:15; 39:4-6; Luke 12:20; Job 14:5
2. While fretting cannot lengthen your life, it may shorten it!
3. Worry about tomorrow keeps you from being productive today. Matt 6:34
C. Worry is faithless because it denies God’s loving care for you. Matt 6:30b-32; 8:26 1. Ultimately anxiety is due to unbelief. Matt 6:30b; 8:26; 14:30-31; 16:8; 17:20
2. By worrying you are behaving like an unbeliever. Matt 6:31-32a
3. Fretting is unworthy of a child of the King. Matt 6:32b; 10:29-31; Ps 84:11
107
4 ~ Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety
You Can Stop Worrying. The Cure: Matt 6:33 A. Commit yourself to the Lord’s business. Matt 6:33a
B. Trust God to meet your needs. Matt 6:33b; Heb 4:15; 13:5-6; Isa 26:3; Ps 55:22; 46:1-2 1. Cast your cares upon the Lord. 1 Pet 5:7; Phil 4:6
2. If you take care of His business, He will take care of yours. 1 Kgs 3:10-14
3. If you rely upon Him, he will not disappoint you. Ps 37:25; 34:10; Rom 9:33; 10:11; 1 Pet 2:6;
1 Cor 10:13
C. Give thanks for His bountiful provision and be content. Phil 4:6; 1 Thess 5:18; Phil 4:12; 1 Tim 6:6-8; Heb 13:5-6
Don’t Misunderstand or Abuse God’s Promises! A. Jesus is not saying that you won’t have any problems. Matt 6:34b; Gen 3:17-19
B. Jesus is not advocating carefree irresponsibility. Matt 25:14-30 1. God ordinarily provides through means– sowing and reaping. Matt 6:26; Gen 3:19 Believers are not exempt from having to earn a living. 2 Thess 3:10
108
Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety ~ 5
2. You are responsible to take care of today’s troubles today, as God enables you. Matt 6:34; 1 Tim 5:8, 13; 2 Thess 3:10; Lam 3:22-23
Discussion (16:35)
1. Give one or two reasons why worry is senseless, useless and faithless. Worry is senseless because God the creator and loving Father cares for all the needs of his children. It is useless because it can accomplish absolutely nothing. It is faithless because it demonstrates a lack of trust in the Lord’s care and provision.
2. What are the antidotes to worry? Seek first the Lord’s kingdom and trust him to care for your needs as you rely upon him. Consider the many ways He has blessed you and give thanks for what He has given you.
3. How might someone misunderstand or abuse God’s promises to care for them? Some people might say that because God has promised to care for them they won’t have any problems. They are surprised and lose heart when trouble comes. God’s promises are not that we will never see trouble, but that He will always care for us even through times of trouble. Other people may believe that because God cares for them they can have a carefree attitude towards life. They don’t put in appropriate effort towards planning and diligently seeking to meet the needs of themselves and their families as God enables them. While believers need to trust God to meet all of their needs, they also need to work diligently with the means that He has provided them.
Introduction to Phil 4:4-7 A. Rejoice in the Lord always. Phil 4:4 1. God commands you to be joyful. Phil 3:1; 1 Thess 5:16 • How can Paul tell you to be joyful?
109
6 ~ Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety
2. True and lasting joy is found only in the Lord. 1 Pet 1:8 • Any other source of joy will let you down. Prov 23:4-5
• Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Gal 5:22f f
• The Lord is sufficient cause for continual joy. Phil 3:8-10; 3:20-21; 4:5; Ps 37:4; 16:11;
• You are responsible for how you feel.
John 15:11; Luke 1:14; 19:37; Acts 8:39; 13:48; Rev 19:6
B. Be yielding and gentle towards all people. Phil 4:5 1. How does forbearance relate to joy and peace? • Don’t be the kind of person who is always frantically looking out for himself.
C. Instead of being anxious, pray. Phil 4:6-7 1. Turn to God with all your concerns. 1 Pet 5:7; Heb 11:6 • Prayer. Col 4:2; Matt 6:32
• Supplication. Eph 6:18; Heb 5:7; 1 Pet 3:12
• Thanksgiving. Eph 5:4; Col 4:2; 1 Tim 2:1ff; Rom 1:21; Phil 1:12-17; 2:17-18
110
Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety ~ 7 • Make your requests to God. 1 John 5:15
2. God’s own peace shall guard your hearts and your minds. 1 Pet 1:5; John 14:27 • Notice what Paul doesn’t promise.
• God’s own peace is of surpassing value.
Discussion (23:18)
1. How can we be joyful all of the time? True and lasting joy is found only in the Lord. It cannot be based on circumstances because circumstances are constantly changing. This does not mean that a believer will never mourn or grieve in times of trial and trouble, but that ultimately they have a joy rooted in who God is and what he promises to do in the situation.
2. How does thankfulness help you to overcome anxiety? When we are tempted to be anxious Paul says to give thanks. Thankfulness can help to change our perspective on our situation. It turns our focus from thinking about what we fear to dwelling on the true and good things God has done and the many ways in which He has already blessed us.
Data Gathering/Interpretation A. What is the focus of worry?
111
8 ~ Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety
B. What is this person seeking?
C. What is the history/pattern of worry?
D. How is this person seeking to deal with worry in a sinful way?
Homework for Those Who Are Anxious A. Pray. Phil 4:6-7 1. Adoration.
2. Confession.
3. Thanksgiving. Recall His past faithfulness.
4. Supplication. 1 Pet 5:7
B. Rejoice in the Lord. Phil 4:4-5
112
Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety ~ 9
C. Trust God for the outcome. Jas 4:13-17
D. Meditate upon what is profitable. Phil 4:8-9
E. Desire and seek first God’s kingdom. Matt 6:33; Matt 6:19-24 1. Focus upon fulfilling your calling in life.
2. Don’t follow your feelings.
F. Keep an anxiety and prayer journal.
Discussion (26:44)
1. What are some good questions for a counselor to ask when beginning to counsel someone who is struggling with worry? What is the focus of worry? What is this person seeking? What is the history/pattern of worry? How is this person seeking to deal with worry in a sinful way?
3. What are one or two profitable homework assignments to give a worrier? Answers may include memorization of key texts, reading a chapter from one of the suggested books and taking notes, listening to one of the suggested audios and writing down how it applies to the counselees’ specific situation, keeping a journal of the things causing anxiety and worry and looking for specific ways to give thanks in each of those situations, etc.
113
10 ~ Biblical Counseling: Worry and Anxiety
Books Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety. Mack, Wayne, The Fear Factor. Mack, Wayne, Homework Manual for Bibical Living Volume 1.
Booklets Adams, Jay, What Do You Do When You Worry All the Time?. Lutz, Susan, Thankfulness: Even When it Hurts. Powlison, David, Worry: Pursuing a Better Path to Peace.
Audios Fitzpatrick, Elyse. “For Women Worriers.” Newheiser, Jim. “Don’t Worry, Be Holy. Matt 6:25-34.” Newheiser, Jim. “How to Have Joy and Peace. Philippians 4:4-7” Scippione, George. “What, Me Worry?”
Supplemental Resources “Worry Homework – Sample Assignments”
114
CDC 17
Biblical Counseling: Fear Understanding Fear A. Fear is not necessarily sinful. 1. We are to fear God. Prov 1:7; Ps 90:11; Isa 6:1ff
2. Fear is a reasonable and helpful response to danger. 1 Cor 10:12
B. Fear has physical manifestations. Deut 2:25; Exod 15:16; Isa 35:3-4; 1 Sam 25:37; Gen 27:33
C. Fear can be very damaging. 1. Fear can keep one from fulfilling his duties to God and others. Prov 22:13; 28:1
2. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.
D. Fear becomes sinful when... 1. You fear men more than God. Prov 29:25; Isa 29:13
2. You fail to trust God.
115
2 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
3. You want control and certainty which belong to God alone.
4. Fear keeps you from fulfilling your responsibilities to God.
E. Keys to overcoming fear. 1. That which is to be most feared, God’s wrath, has been removed by Christ. Matt 10:28;
Heb 2:14-15; 1 John 4:18
2. The Lord is your shepherd. Ps 23
3. The righteous are characterized by boldness, not fear. Prov 28:1; Rev 21:8
4. When facing fears the crucial question is: What does God want you to do?
5. For those who fear imperfection, your perfection is in Christ.
6. Only God possesses certainty and control. You must trust Him. Rom 8:28; Deut 29:29;
Prov 3:23-26
116
Biblical Counseling: Fear ~ 3
Discussion (16:10)
1. What are some proper and healthy manifestations of fear? The Bible says we are to fear God. Fear can also be an appropriate response to real potential dangers.
2. What are some indications that fear has become sinful? Fear has become sinful when we feaer something else more than God, fail to trust Him, desire certainty and control that belong to Him alone, or when we allow fear to keep us from fulfilling our God-given responsibilities.
Review of Previous Segment
The Fear of Man A. The fear of man brings a snare. Prov 29:25 1. Fear of another person
2. Fear in the sense of being a “people pleaser” rather than a “God pleaser”:
B. View of God and man becomes distorted 1. When People Are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch
117
4 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
Introduction to Jeremiah 17:5-8
If You Trust in Mankind, You Will Be Cursed
Jer 17:5-6; 11:3; Gen 3:14, 17
A. Don’t rely upon the flesh. Jer 17:5 1. Israel was inclined to trust men. Jer 2:14-19; 46:25 • She claimed to hope in God.
• Yet she was resorting to her own devices. Jer 5:31
• She trusted false prophets. Jer 7:4, 8
• She sought help from foreign alliances. Isa 31:1-3; Ezek 29:16; 2 Kgs 24:1
• She forgot God’s great deeds of the past, despised God’s gracious promises, and ignored His threats.
2. Man in all of his power and glory is but frail flesh. Jer 17:5a
118
Biblical Counseling: Fear ~ 5
3. When you trust mankind, your heart is turned away from the Lord. Jer 17:5b; 2:13; 5:23; 3:2, 6-10; 2:20
• He alone is to be the arm of your strength. Jer 27:5; 32:17; Isa 33:2
• Trust in anyone or anything else is nothing less than idolatry (spiritual adultery).
• You violate the greatest commandment. Deut 6:5
B. If you do, your life will wither away. Jer 17:6 1. You will be desolate and hopeless.
2. Such was the condition of Israel as Jeremiah wrote: under God’s curse: exile. Jer 8:13; 11:16; 1:15; 25:9; Deut 28:15ff; 29:22-23; Ezek 17:8-10; 19:10-13
3. Such is the condition of all humanity apart from divine grace. Ps 129:6
C. Application: like Israel, the church is inclined to unfaithfulness to God. 1. Don’t entrust yourself to people in the world! • Government leaders/military powers. Ps 146:3-5; 44:6; 20:7; Deut 28:52; Isa 31:1-2
• Employers and doctors.
119
6 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
2. Don’t wrongfully entrust yourself to others in relationships. • Family. Ps 27:10; Isa 49:15
• Friendship. Prov 25:19
• Co-dependency (co-idolatry).
Trust God and You Will Be Blessed
Jer 17:7-8
A. Will you entrust yourself to the LORD? Jer 17:7; Ps 31:24 1. Hope in God alone. Prov 3:5-6; Isa 26:3-4 • Repent of all other hopes. John 15:5
• Acknowledge Him in everything you do.
• Entrust yourself by following His Word. Prov 16:20
• The issue is not mere outward works or ceremony, but your heart!
2. God alone is trustworthy. Ps 27:3; 118:8-9; 40:4; 62:5-6; 22:5; Isa 50:10; Prov 14:26
120
Biblical Counseling: Fear ~ 7
B. You will flourish. Ps 52:8; 1:3; 92:13-14 1. Your security will be unshakeable. Ps 34:8; Isa 44:4; Phil 1:6; Ezek 47:12
2. When hard times come, you will endure. 2 Cor 4:8-11, 16-18 • There is no promise that those who trust God will avoid trials. Jer 14:1; 42:16
• The believer lives above circumstances.
• These trials are used by God to strengthen you. Heb 12:6-11; Rom 5:3-4
• The remnant will take root and be renewed. Isa 37:31
3. You will flourish: continually bearing fruit unto the glory of God. John 15:5
121
8 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
Discussion (38:32)
1. How can a plant continue to flourish even in times of drought? The only way a plant can flourish, even in extended times of lack of rain, is if its supply of water comes from another source. If its roots go deep enough to draw water from a perpetual source it can continue to grow and flourish in times of drought.
2. How does this analogy relate to our spiritual lives? We are like the plant spoken of in Jeremiah. Good circumstances in our lives can be seen as the rain and trials and hardships are the droughts. Our relationship with the Lord is the roots that go down deep and He is the continual source of living water.
3. Where can we go to find sustenance even when faced with droughts of severe circumstances? In all believers’ lives they will have times of rain when circumstances are pleasant and blessing seems to be pouring down. They will also face droughts of severe circumstances. In these times they need not despair that it is not raining. Their prosperity and survival is not dependent on the rain, because they can be nourished from the source of living and eternal water. They must seek the Lord as the one who alone can sustain them in these hard times. If they put their trust in anything else they will dry up like the bush in the desert.
Personalize Psalm 23 to Your Counselees
A. Believers who are living in fear have lost sight of the fact that the Lord is their Shepherd
B. It’s not about changing circumstances but recognizing that right now the Lord is your Shepherd. Gen 49:24; 48:15; Ps 77:20
1. He cares for you. Ps 23; 2-3
122
Biblical Counseling: Fear ~ 9
2. He meets your needs. Ps 23:1
3. He feeds you. Ps 23:5
4. He helps you get through the evil times. Ps 23:4
C. Be honest and realistic: You may not be delivered from trials, but God will be with you. 1. Being his sheep does not exempt you from temporary hardship and danger. • The Lord will sustain you through the valley of the shadow of death. Ps 23:4
• It may be God’s sovereign purpose to let you suffer through that which you were afraid Heb 11:32-40
2. The Good Shepherd Never Leaves You. Exod 3:12; Isa 43:2; John 10:12-13 • Even in hardship your faith does not have to fail
Data Gathering/Interpretation A. Of what is the counselee afraid?
B. Why is the counselee afraid? 1. Past experience (i.e., abuse, etc.).
123
10 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
2. Experiences of others (e.g. friend died of cancer).
B. What is the counselee’s view of God?
Homework for Those Who Fear A. Follow the same assignments as listed in the section on worry.
B. Learn to trust God, focusing upon the keys to overcoming fear. Prov 3:5-6; Jas 4:13-17
C. Keep a fear journal.
124
Biblical Counseling: Fear ~ 11
Discussion (46:31)
1. Does God’s promise to care for and provide for His people mean that they will not face trials? Believers should never be surprised when the Lord takes them through a season of trial. He does not promise that they will not go through the valley of the shadow of death, but He does promise that He will be with them and will sustain them through it. Sometimes it is His sovereign purpose to take His people through valleys in order to bring them closer to Himself than they ever would have been in the green pastures.
2. What are the two groups of people discussed in Heb 11: 32-40 and how can this be used to encourage believers? Heb 11: 32-40 discusses two categories of people. The first are a group of people who are miraculously spared from all kinds of affliction and suffering. The second group faces severe trial and hardship. The encouraging thing for believers is that both groups are God’s people and both are held up as examples of the way the Lord’s people have lived as witnesses to His faithfulness. God may miraculously deliver his children from hardship or may call them to walk through the midst of it, but His faithfulness will never fail them, and as a result their faith does not have to fail.
3. What are some good questions for a counselor to ask when beginning to counsel someone who is struggling with fear? Of what is the counselee afraid? Why is the counselee afraid? What is the counselee’s view of God?
4. What are one or two profitable homework assignments to give a person who is afraid? Answers may include memorization of key texts, reading a chapter from one of the suggested books and taking notes, listening to one of the suggested audios and writing down how it applies to the counselee’s specific situation, keeping a journal of the things causing fear and writing down ways the Lord has specifically provided in situations in the past.
125
12 ~ Biblical Counseling: Fear
Books Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety. Mack, Wayne, The Fear Factor. Mack, Wayne, Homework Manual for Bibical Living Volume 1. Welch, Ed, When People are Big and God is Small.
Booklets Adams, Jay, What Do You Do When Fear Overcomes You? Emlet, Michael R., OCD: Freedom for the Obsessive-Compulsive.
Audios Fitzpatrick, Elyse. “For Women Worriers.” Newheiser, Jim “Don’t Worry, Be Holy. Matt 6:25-34.” Newheiser, Jim “How to Have Joy and Peace. Philippians 4:4-7” Scippione, George. “What, Me Worry?”
Supplemental Resources Gustafson, Darrell. “The Panic ‘Fear’ Attack.” “Fear Homework Assignment Samples” “Solutions to Fear” “Worry Homework – Sample Assignments”
126
CDC 18
Temptation Part 1 David’s Catastrophic Sin
2 Sam 11:1-5
A. Temptation follows a pattern. Jas 1:13-15
B. We have come to one of the most tragic chapters in the entire Bible.
C. I thank God for recording this incident in His perfect Word. 1. It shows that the Bible is honest about its heroes. Jer 17:5-6
2. It serves as a warning to us against sin and presumption. 1 Cor 10:12
3. It is instructive about how temptation and sin occur, so that we might be able to resist and escape.
4. It accurately portrays the ugliness and the consequences of sin.
5. It offers hope to the worst of sinners who repents. Ps 32; 51
6. It reminds us that no earthly hero will suffice. We need a better king than David.
127
2 ~ Temptation Part 1
Discussion (5:03)
1. How does the Bible portray adultery much more accurately and truthfully than Hollywood does? The Bible very honestly portrays the fleetingness of pleasure and the pervasive and ongoing consequences of sin. Hollywood tends to do the opposite, highlighting the pleasures of adultery while minimizing or altogether ignoring its consequences.
2. How does David’s sin point us to the need for a Messiah? David was a man after God’s own heart, His chosen and anointed one, the ruler and shepherd of God’s people. Yet not even he could live a life that would perfectly please God. Even David needed redemption by the perfect Anointed Ruler and Shepherd that the Father would supply in His Son Jesus Christ.
David Falls into Sin A. David did not fall suddenly – there were harbingers to David’s fall. 2 Sam 11:1-2a 1. Rather than seeking and enjoying personal intimacy with one wife, David had acquired many wives for his own power and pleasure. 2 Sam 5:13; Gen 2:18ff; Deut 17:17
2. Apparently prosperity and security had put David off his guard. Prov 30:8-9
3. David drifted into ingratitude and undervaluing the things of God. 2 Sam 12:7-9
4. David was guilty of neglecting his duties as king. 2 Sam 11:1-2a; 10:9ff; 1 Sam 8:20
128
Temptation Part 1 ~ 3
B. Sin follows a progression - first, sin is conceived in the heart. 2 Sam 11:2b-3; Jas 1:13-14 1. Don’t try to blame God when you are tempted. Jas 1:13-14; Gen 3:12
2. Sin occurs, not because of temptation from the outside, but from within our hearts.
3. David sees beautiful Bathsheba bathing. 2 Sam 11:2a; 1 Sam 16:12
4. Temptation often enters through the “eye-gate”. Gen 3:6; 1 John 2:16; 2 Pet 2:14; Num 15:39
5. David then moves from looking, to entertaining lustful thoughts as he inquires about the bathing woman. 2 Sam 11:3a; Matt 5:28
6. The answer David received should have stopped him in his tracks. 2 Sam 11:3b; 23:39, 34
Jas 1:13-14; Mark 7:14-23
C. Sinful desire in the heart ultimately results in the tragic act of sin. 2 Sam 11:4; Jas 1 1. David sends for Bathsheba, thus involving others in his crime.
2. He takes her. 2 Sam 12:4, 9, 11; Lev 18:22
3. The description of David’s sin with Bathsheba is succinct. 2 Sam 11:4a
129
4 ~ Temptation Part 1
4. Afterwards Bathsheba went home.
D. What responsibility does Bathsheba bear? 1. Shouldn’t she have been more modest, realizing that she could be seen? 1 Tim 2:9
2. Shouldn’t she have refused David’s advances? Deut 22:22-24
3. Her husband Uriah was not afraid to stand up to David. 2 Sam 11:11
4. It is ironic that she is so concerned about outward ceremonial cleanness while violating the seventh commandment against adultery. 2 Sam 11: 4b; Lev 15:25ff
E. Finally sin brings forth deadly consequences. 2 Sam 11:5; Jas 1:15b; Prov 6:32-33; 7:26ff; Deut 22:22 1. The conception of a child, which should be an occasion for great joy, is seen as a tragedy. 1 Sam 1:19ff; Ps 127:1ff
2. David’s attempts to cover up his guilt will only compound his sin. 2 Sam 11:6ff; Num 32:23
3. David’s sin will affect him and many others for the rest of his life. Gal 6:7ff
4. Sexual sin is not merely a private matter which involves only two people.
130
Temptation Part 1 ~ 5
Discussion (23:58)
1. What are some examples of the ways that temptation can enter through the “eye gate”? The temptation process often begins when we see something that stirs up our desires. This can take many forms and applies to all different kinds of temptations. It could be the “shopaholic” seeing a new pair of shoes, the glutton standing in front of the open refrigerator, the covetous gazing at the new gadget belonging to his neighbor. When confronted with such temptation we have an immediate choice to look away from these things and look to Christ.
2. How do the terms conception and birth illustrate the progression of sin? Temptation is not sin, but as soon as we give in to it we allow it to be conceived.. This usually begins in a very small way, in our hearts, just as a baby is conceived without anyone initially being able to tell. As sin is fed it grows and grows until finally it gives birth to its inevitable result: death.
3. How does David’s fall into sin follow the progression described in James 1:14-15? David was initially confronted with the temptation of looking on a beautiful woman. Rather than resisting that temptation, he allowed his desire for her to conceive. He began first by asking about her, then by seeking her out and finally by committing adultery with her. The sin in his heart had grown so big that it gave birth to this overt act of defiance against God’s law. Like most sin, it did not stop there, but he then fell into a spiral of sin in an attempt to cover what he had done, finally resulting in the real physical murder of Uriah the Hittite. David’s sin is a graphic illustration of the pattern that all people follow when giving in to temptation.
How Can We Avoid Falling into Sin? A. Be on your guard. 1. Don’t think that it can’t happen to you. 1 Cor 10:12; 1 Pet 5:8
2. Guard your heart. Prov 4:23
131
6 ~ Temptation Part 1
3. Guard your eyes. 2 Tim 2:22
4. Also protect your thoughts. Phil 4:8-9
5. Neglect of the small things can lead to a big fall. Jas 1:15
6. Don’t think that you can toy with sin without experiencing the consequences.
7. Sinful desire indulged will produce sinful acts.
8. Don’t be a stumbling block to others.
B. Nurture your own relationship with the Lord - don’t let your love for Him grow cold. Matt 22:37; 2 Tim 2:22; Rev 2:5; Rom 8:13
1. If you are walking closely with God, you will not be vulnerable to sin. Gen 39:9
2. Remember who you are. Rom 6:11; Col 3:5
3. Pray that He will keep you from temptation. Matt 6:13; Luke 22:40; Jude 24
132
Temptation Part 1 ~ 7
C. Stay busy fulfilling God’s calling on your life. Col 3:23; 2 Tim 1:6 1. You are especially vulnerable to temptation when you are negligent of your duties. 1 Thess 5:7
2. Stay busy in your vocation, in your family and in your church.
D. Guard your marriage. Gen 2:18ff; Eph 5:22ff; Prov 5:15ff; 1 Cor 7:2ff; Song of Songs
E. If you have started to give in to temptation, abort the sin before it is too late. Gen 39:6ff; 2 Tim 2:22; Matt 5:29-30; Rom 6:12-14; 8:13; 1 Cor 10:13
1. At every stage David could have chosen to turn from his sin. Job 31:1
2. Take radical action to kill your sin before it kills you. Matt 5:29ff; Rom 8:13
3. Seek accountability.
4. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will become.
F. God offers hope and grace to fallen sinners. 1. The significance of David’s’ fall goes beyond merely warning us about temptation. 1 Cor 10:11
133
8 ~ Temptation Part 1
2. David, for all of his excellent qualities, was not able to fulfill God’s covenant.
3. We need someone greater than David to be our King.
4. Jesus is the Son of David who never sins or fails. He is a King who gives.
5. Jesus comes to the aid of those who are tempted. Heb. 2:18
6. Jesus forgives those who confess and forsake their sin. 1 John 1:8-10; Ps 32
134
Temptation Part 1 ~ 9
Discussion (33:49)
1. What are some practical ways to guard ourselves from temptation? Always be on your guard, recognizing that you too are capable of falling into any temptation. Nurture your relationship with the Lord, never believing that you have “arrived” and are secured by past growth and experiences. Work hard at fulfilling God’s calling for your life.
2. Why is idleness so dangerous? Times of idleness generally imply that we are not busy about the things to which God has called us. In an absence of these proper things, we tend to look about for something else to fulfill and occupy us. This makes us especially vulnerable to temptation.
3. What does it mean to “abort” our sin? This is radical language meant to illustrate the necessity of dealing quickly and completely with sin. Sin must be cut off and destroyed completely before it gives birth to a monster that is capable of destroying you.
4. Is there any hope if we have given in and been overcome by temptation? Because Christ died to pay the wages of sin, there is hope for people who have fallen into any temptation. All those who come to Him in repentance and faith will find forgiveness and grace.
Audios Newheiser, Jim. “The Pain of Porn.”
Supplemental Resources Newheiser, Jim. “The Pain of Porn.”
135
136
CDC 19
Temptation Part 2 Understanding Temptation A. Review: Temptation follows a pattern. Jas 1:13-15
B. The problem is in the heart. Mark 7:14-23; Prov 4:23; Matt 5:22, 28
C. Addictions are not diseases.
D. God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. 1 Cor 10:13
E. Christ has set you free from slavery to sin. Rom 6:11, 18
F. You are responsible to fight sin. Rom 6:12ff
G. Temptation needs to be dealt with radically. Matt 5:29-30; 2 Tim 2:22
H. You need to see that God is most desirable. John 7:38 1. Lady wisdom and madam folly both call out. Prov 9:1-5, 13-18
137
2 ~ Temptation Part 2
2. Temptation never will completely satisfy, only Christ can. Isa 55:1-2
3. Joseph’s example. Gen 39:9
4. As counselors we need to be experiencing this to be able to teach our counselees.
Discussion (19:26)
1. What is the difference for an unbeliever and a believer who are confronted with temptation? Unbelievers are slaves to sin. Believers have been set free from the power of sin and therefore are able in Christ through the power of the Spirit to resist temptation. They do not have to be mastered by it.
2. How is idolatry connected with temptation? The root of temptation is idolatry. We believe the lie that something other than God is what our souls need to be satisfied. This can take the form of any temptation, but the common denominator is that we are rejecting God as the only one who can satisfy our souls. We must repent of this idolatry and turn to Christ, the one who is infinitely more desirable and satisfying than any temptation.
3. In what way will a counselor’s walk with God affect his ability to help counselees who are struggling with temptation? Counselors need to be feeding on the Word of God and experiencing the sweetness that comes from communion and relationship with him. When they are being satisfied by Him and are convinced that He is more desirable than all else, they will be able to effectively communicate this truth to others.
138
Temptation Part 2 ~ 3
Introduction and Review A. A controversial subject.
B. Substance abuse is a growing problem.
What Does the Bible Say About Drinking A. There is a legitimate use for wine. 1. Wine is a symbol of prosperity, celebration and blessing. Prov 9:2; 3:10; Eccl 9:7; Ps 104:14-15;
Judg 9:13; Joel 3:18
2. While the alcohol content of wine in biblical times was less than modern liquor, it was still potentially intoxicating. John 2:10; Acts 2:15; Luke 7:33-34
3. Wine was used for medicinal purposes. Prov 31:6-7; Luke 10:34; Matt 21:28; 1 Tim 5:23
4. There is nothing in the Bible condemning the use of alcoholic beverages in moderation.
B. Drunkenness is sinful and foolish! Prov 20:1; Isa 5:11-12, 22; Eph 5:18; Gal 5:21; Deut 21:20; Rom 13:13; Luke 21:34
1. You harm yourself. Jer 51:7 • You lose control of yourself and become unfit for your responsibilities. Prov 31:4-5
139
4 ~ Temptation Part 2
• You will hurt physically. Prov 23:29, 32-35
• You lose financially: destitution. Prov 23:21; 21:17
• You are more prone to indulge in other sins: fighting, sexual immorality, blasphemy, drugs.
2. You hurt others.
3. Ultimately you are sinning against your Creator and Master. 1 Cor 6:9, 19-20
Prov 23:35; 20:1; Gen 19:32ff
C. Why do people abuse intoxicating substances? A problem of the heart. 1. People try to escape reality.
2. People love pleasure rather than God. Prov 23:31; 2 Tim 3:4; Phil 3:19
3. Ultimately the love of pleasure is idolatry: seeking in substances the satisfaction which can only be found in the LORD. Prov 20:1; Isa 55:1-2; Eccl 2:10-11; Luke 16:25
4. The same applications could be made to people who seek satisfaction in food (gluttony), material things (greed), etc. Prov 23:20-21; 21:17
140
Temptation Part 2 ~ 5
How Can a Substance Abuser Be Set Free? A. The recovery movement (AA/12 step) is unscientific and unbiblical. (See The Useful Lie, by William L. Playfair, M.D.) 1. AA teaches that substance abuse is a disease: the medical model/recovery. • The alcoholic is born with the disease and is powerless.
• When he is exposed to the substance, he is under control of the addiction.
• The key to recovery is for the abuser to identify oneself as an alcoholic.
• The alcoholic must participate in AA group meetings for the rest of his life.
• The alcoholic must totally abstain from alcohol.
• The recovery model is also being used for gambling, narcotics, theft, and sexual sin.
• This model of addiction is not supported by medical research (ee Playfair).
2. The Bible teaches that substance abuse is sin: the moral model/redemption.
141
6 ~ Temptation Part 2
• While it is true that we are all born sinful and that some may be more tempted by some sins than others, we are responsible for rebelling against God’s law.
• People become addicted by making sinful choices. John 8:34; 1 Cor 6:12
• Believers are no longer enslaved to sin (or substances). Rom 6:18
• We find our identity in Christ. 1 Cor 6:9-11
3. AA is a counterfeit religion. • A counterfeit book (and decalogue).
• A counterfeit theology: The Higher Power: “God as you understand Him”
• A counterfeit anthropology: the disease model, codependency.
• A counterfeit redemption experience: admission that you are an alcoholic.
• A counterfeit identity: alcoholic versus Christian. 1 Cor 6:9-12
142
Temptation Part 2 ~ 7
• A counterfeit church: fellowship, discipleship, etc.
• Counterfeit evangelism.
4. Is it worthwhile to have “Christian” 12-step programs? Lev 18:3ff; Col 2:3, 8-10
5. Should we encourage unbelievers to go into 12-step programs?
B. Biblical “recovery” from substance abuse. Eph 5:18; 4:22-24; Rom 13:13-14 1. Put off sin. Do not get drunk with wine. Rom 13:13; 1 Pet 4:3 • Repent: 2 Cor 7:10-11
• Look to God to forgive you through Christ. 1 John 1:8-2:2
• As a new creature in Christ. Old things have passed away. 2 Cor 5:17; 1 Cor 6:11
• You are no longer a slave to sin. Rom 6:18
• Live a life of sobriety and self control. Gal 5:23; 1 Cor 6:12
143
8 ~ Temptation Part 2
2. Put on righteousness. Be filled with the Spirit. Rom 13:14; 6:18; Gal 5:16 • Be controlled by the Holy Spirit instead of substances.
• Find your pleasure and satisfaction in Christ’s spiritual blessings. Isa 55:3
• Enjoy earthly blessings in moderation to the glory of God with thankfulness. Prov 25:16;
1 Tim 4:4-5; 1 Cor 10:31
• Invest your time and energy in your God-given vocation. Eph 5:15-18
C. Practice biblical confrontation/discipline. Matt 18:15-20 1. Level 1: Self-control.
2. Level 2: Personal confrontation: 1 on 1. Matt 18:15; Gal 6:1; Eph 4:15
3. Level 3: Confrontation with 2 or 3 witnesses. Matt 18:16
4. Level 4: Tell it to the church. Matt 18:17a
5. Level 5: Excommunication. Matt 18:17b-20; 1 Cor 5:11; 6:9-10
144
Temptation Part 2 ~ 9
6. After repentance there is restoration. 2 Cor 2:5-11
D. Does the biblical method always work? Sometimes people choose to remain in sin.
Concluding Applications A. Make wise personal choices with alcoholic beverages. 1. Don’t abuse your liberty by becoming intoxicated or breaking the law.
2. Don’t be enslaved to your appetites. Be self-controlled. 1 Cor 6:12; 9:27
3. If your conscience is not clear, it is better to abstain. Rom 14:23; 1 Cor 10:31
4. Don’t put yourself into situations in which you might be tempted to misuse alcohol.
• Don’t assume that it couldn’t happen to you. 1 Cor 10:12; Gen 9:20ff
Prov 23:30a; 1 Cor 10:12; 1 Pet 2:16; Matt 5:29-30
• Evil companions. Prov 23:20; 1 Pet 4:3; 1 Cor 15:33
145
10 ~ Temptation Part 2
5. Don’t abuse your liberty by causing a weaker brother to stumble. Rom 14:21; Gal 5:13; 1 Cor 8:13
B. The key issue is your heart. Prov 4:2
Discussion (48:08)
1. What are some legitimate functions of wine? Scripture shows legitimate uses of wine in times of celebration and blessing and also for medicinal purposes in times of suffering.
2. Why is substance abuse sinful? The Bible says that it is a sin. It also usually contributes to and compounds a host of other sinful behaviors like fornication, belligerence and neglect of God-given responsibilities.
3. Why do people drink sinfully? Some are looking for escape from life’s problems: disappointment, pain, failure, loneliness etc. Others simply are lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.
4. What is faulty about the recovery movement? The recovery movement is based on a medical model that teaches that substance abuse, gambling, addiction, etc. are diseases that need to be treated. This is in contrast to the teaching of God’s word which says they are sins that need to be repented of. This movement offers many counterfeit steps that appear to be religious, but are not in line with the truths offered in Scripture.
5. How can a drunkard or an addict find help to overcome his sin? The only way to truly overcome any besetting sin is through the biblical model of “put off, put on.” A person must repent, look to Christ for forgiveness, put off the old way of life and put on righteousness as they are empowered by the Spirit.
146
Temptation Part 2 ~ 11
Data Gathering A. What is the counselee’s history in dealing with this temptation?
B. What is the counselee’s pattern of falling into this temptation?
C. Are you sure the counselee is a Christian?
Homework A. Keep a temptation log.
B. Radically deal with sources of temptation. Matt 5:29-30; Prov 5:8; 2 Tim 2:22
C. Fill your mind with what is best. Phil 4:8-9
D. Be busy serving God and others.
E. Establish accountability.
147
12 ~ Temptation Part 2
Discussion (54:55)
1. What are some concrete homework assignments you could give to a counselee struggling with addiction to pornography, alcoholism, gluttony? Answers may include specific reading assignments, keeping of a temptation log, memorizing of key passages of Scripture related to that particular issue, seeking of accountability, practical behaviors to avoid or establish, etc.
2. When does a counselor’s advice cross the line to legalism? A counselor’s authority is only based on the authority of Scripture. Therefore, they cannot demand that their counselees do anything that Scripture does not demand. They may encourage counselees to take certain actions, but they do not have the authority, for example, to tell a counselee that he must carry out the implications of that verse in a specific way. If a counselor has gone beyond offering advice to making extra-biblical demands, they have crossed the line into legalism.
148
Temptation Part 2 ~ 13
Books Cleveland, Mike, Pure Freedom: Breaking the Addiction to Pornography. Cleveland, Mike, The Lord’s Table: A Biblical Approach to Weight Loss. Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Love to Eat, Hate to Eat. Harris, Joshua, Not Even a Hint. Piper, John, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Mack, Wayne, Homework Manual for Biblical Living, Volume 1, “Life Dominating Sins.” Playfair, William L. M.D., The Useful Lie. Welch, Edward, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave.
Booklets A.1. Adams, Jay, What Do You Do When You Know You’re Hooked? Powlison, David, Pornography: Slaying the Dragon. Welch, Edward, Just One More: When Desires Don’t Take No for an Answer.
Audios Fitzpatrick, Elyse. “Love to Eat, Hate to Eat.” Mack, Wayne. “Dealing with Lustful Temptation.” Needham, Bob. “Drug and Alcohol Abuse.” Newheiser, Jim. “Satisfaction for the Thirsty: Isa. 55.” Newheiser, Jim. “Sexual Wisdom: Proverbs 5-7.” Newheiser, Jim. “The Pain of Porn.” Playfair. “Helping Addicts.” Playfair. “Helping Alcoholics.” Playfair. “The Twelve Steps and AA.” Scipione, George. “Life Dominating Sins.” Welch, Ed. “Substance Abuse Counseling.”
149
150
CDC 20
Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture Introduction A. What is wrong with Connie?
B. To what extent does our body (nature) and relationships (nurture) affect our hearts?
C. My growth in understanding of the influences on the human heart.
Understanding Human Nature A. We are duplex creatures – our inner self is embodied. Gen 2:7; 2 Cor 4:16; 5:8; Phil 2:3; Matt 22:32; Rev 6:10
1. The inner person – referred to as the heart, soul, mind, spirit. Deut 6:5; Heb 4:12
2. The outer person – the body (including the brain).
3. Secular materialism denies the existence of the soul.
151
2 ~ Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture
B. We exist in the context of society – we are socially embedded duplex creatures.
Discussion (10:07)
1. What is a key text for asserting that humans are duplex creatures made up of both body and Spirit? 2 Corinthians 4:16
2. What are the major influences that act upon the innerman? The innerman, or the soul, exists in the context of a physical body. That body is not alone, but exists in the context of society. Both of these contexts, physical and social, have an effect on the soul.
152
Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture ~ 3
Understanding How Your Outer Self (Nature/Body) Influences Your Heart A. Both your inner person and your outward person are affected by the Fall. Rom 8:7-8, 20-23, 6:23; 1 Cor 2:14
1. Our bodies experience weakness, which is not sinful. Matt 26:40; John 9:1ff
2. Some bodily weaknesses are temporary, while others are lifelong.
B. Your inner self influences the body. Ps 38:1-8; Prov 17:22; 14:30; Luke 6:43-44 1. Sin often has physical effects. Ps 32:3-4
2. Your body reflects your heart – facial expression, tone of voice, pulse, etc.
3. The inner person of a Christian keeps the flesh under control. Rom 6:11-13
4. The body carries out the desires of the heart. Luke 6:45; Col 1:21; 2 Cor 5:10
C. Your body influences your inner person. 1. What happens in the body can affect you spiritually. Job 2:4-6
153
4 ~ Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture
2. Bodily trials and weakness (including brain issues) may increase temptation.
D. Your body can never cause your heart to sin. Genetics are not determinative. 1. Sin comes from within. Mark 7:14-23; Jas 1:13-15
2. God will not allow an external temptation greater than we can bear. 1 Cor 10:13
3. The inner self chooses how to respond to bodily temptation. Prov 4:20-23
E. Things to keep in mind when counseling. 1. Bodily issues should not be ignored, but compassionately understood.
2. Distinguish between bodily weakness (including brain malfunction) and sin.
3. The opinion of a medical doctor may be helpful.
4. You may need to learn about Alzheimer’s, dementia, brain injury, stroke, schizophrenia, autism (Asperger’s), bi-polar, etc.
5. When in doubt, assume the best. 1 Cor 13:7
154
Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture ~ 5
6. People with brain injury or weakness may need to humbly accept their limitations and learn to trust God and those who love them. Prov 3:5-6
F. Encouraging people who struggle with bodily weakness. 1. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Ps 139:13-16
2. God is sovereign over your bodily trials. Job 2:1-8; John 9:3
3. Bodily weakness cannot hold you back from spiritual growth. 2 Cor 12:7-10
4. Through Christ we can do all things to which God has called us in spite of physical limitations. Phil 4:13; Prov. 20:12; Rom 6:17; 1 Cor 10:31
5. One day we will have perfect bodies (including our brains). Phil 3:20-21
155
6 ~ Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture
Discussion (27:54)
1. What are some ways our inner person has been affected by the fall? Answers may include: hostile toward God, unable to comprehend the things of God, unable to please God, etc.
2. What are some ways our outer person has been affected by the fall? Answers may include: hunger, fatigue, sickness, death, etc.
3. How are bodily weaknesses related to sin? Bodily weakness can greatly increase temptation. The Scripture tells us, however, that it can never actually cause us to sin. Sin comes from within the heart, not from exterior circumstances.
4. Give some examples of ways that bodily weakness can increase temptation. Answers may include: chronic pain tempting to irritability, lack of sleep tempting to depression, hormones tempting to anger, etc.
5. What are some important thing to keep in mind when counseling people who struggle with bodily weakness? Answers may include: have compassion, be humble, distinguish between weakness and sin, when in doubt assume the best, etc.
Understanding How Your Social Context Affects Your Heart A. God created us to be social creatures. Gen 1:27-28; 2:18; Luke 10:29-37
B. We live in a fallen world and are surrounded by many evil influences. 1 John 5:19 1. Israel was warned against corrupt pagan neighbors. Deut 7:1-4; 5:9-10; 18:9
156
Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture ~ 7
2. Proverbs warns us against foolish companions and the fear of man – peer pressure. Prov 1:10ff; 13:20; 23:20-21; 29:25
3. The New Testament contains similar warnings about the company you keep. 1 Cor 15:33; 2 Cor 6:14ff; Rom 12:1ff
4. Some people are hurt by social influences which are beyond their control.
C. We also can be affected positively by those who are godly and wise. Phil. 3:17; Luke 6:40; Acts 4:13; Heb 13:7; 6:12; Prov 13:20; 29:15; 6:4; John 13:15; 1 Pet 2:21
D. Social influences are not determinative – the heart chooses. Ezek 18:5-18 1. We can reject good/wise influences. Ezek 18:5-13; Matt 10:32-37; 1 Kgs 12:1ff
2. We can overcome evil influences. Ezek 18:14-18; 1 Pet 1:14-19; Eph 4:18ff
E. Counseling people who deal with difficult social/relationship influences. 1. Relational experiences should not be ignored, but compassionately understood. Rom 12:15;
Prov 20:5
2. Counselees cannot blame their sin on outside influences. 1 Cor 10:13; Mark 7:14ff
157
8 ~ Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture
3. Help counselees to biblically evaluate the influences in their lives and to take appropriate corrective steps (including overcoming the fear of man). Prov 29:25
4. One’s relationship with God should be the primary influence in life. Those who trust Him will flourish in all circumstances. Jer 17:5-8; Ps 27:10; Heb 13:5
5. We can enjoy the blessed influence of God’s people in the church community.
6. Learn from Joseph, who flourished despite his dysfunctional family. Gen 37-50
Conclusion
2 Cor 4:7-10, 16-18
A. Biblical counselors address the inner man using God’s Word.
B. While we reject both genetic determinism and social determinism, we recognize that the Bible teaches that both body and social environment influence the inner person.
158
Understanding the Influences of Nature and Nurture ~ 9
Discussion (39:58)
1. How does social influence affect the heart? God has made us to be social creatures, affected by and affecting our environments. The negative side of this is that we can be swayed, influenced and hurt by evil done around us. The positive side of this is that we can also be taught, corrected and built up by the company of the righteous. Ultimately, however, neither of these influences are determinative. The heart can choose to accept or reject either one.
2. What is a key verse to share with those who have experienced very poor “nurture” in their lives? Psalm 27:10
3. How should biblical counselors respond to the nature/nurture debate? Biblical counselors must continue to address the inner man on the authority of God’s word. They reject both genetic and social determinism. They do recognize, however, that the Bible teaches that both body and social environment influence the inner person. Because of this they will take issues in these areas seriously and work through them with great compassion.
Books Fitzpatrick, E. & Hendrickson, L., Will Medicine Stop the Pain? Welch, Ed, Blame it on the Brain.
Supplemental Resources Emlet, Michael, “Understanding the Influences on the Human Heart,” Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter, 2002).
159
CDC 21
Biblical Foundations: marriage is Made in heaven Introduction and Review A. Belief in origins is foundational.
B. A foundational passage about the foundational social institution: A creation ordinance. Matt 19:4-5; 1 Cor 11:8
It Is Not Good for You to Be Alone
Gen 2:18-20
A. A shocking evaluation. Gen 2:18; 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31 1. How could something be “not good” prior to the fall?
2. The situation was not bad or evil, but instead it was lacking.
B. The wife is designed by God to make her husband complete. 1. She is not merely a slave girl or a sex object or a bearer of children.
2. She is a companion to assist the man in carrying out God’s mandate to subdue the earth.
3. Her gifts and abilities complement the strengths and weaknesses of her husband.
Gen 2:28
161
2 ~ Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven
C. Marriage is a lifelong covenant relationship between one woman and one man. Gen 2:19-20, 24; Matt 19:4-5
1. Why does God bring all of the animals to the man?
2. No other creature is a suitable helper.
3. Only a woman can complete a man (and only a man can complete a woman).
4. Mankind has perverted God’s design. Gen 2:24; Rom 1:26-32; Matt 19:5, 8; 1 Tim 3:2; Deut 17:17; 1 Cor 7:2 (polygamy, divorce, fornication, etc.)
D. God has a gift for everyone. 1. Most of us are incomplete alone.
2. Some are uniquely called to the single life. 1 Cor 7:1, 7-8; Matt 19:12
3. God gives His gifts of marriage and singleness, not that we might pursue our selfish pleasures, but that we might glorify Him. Jas 1:13
E. Did God create some people to be homosexuals? Jas 1:13 1. Homosexuality is a perversion of God’s design. Gen 1:27; 2:24; 19:5; Lev 18:22-25; 20:13; Deut 22:5;
1 Cor 6:9; Rom 1:26-27, 32; 1 Tim 1:10; Jude 7
162
Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven ~ 3
2. Why are some people homosexual? • Environmental factors? Genetic factors?
• Such rationale could be used to justify every kind of sin and evil.
• Homosexuality, like every other sin (i.e. adultery, drunkenness, and fornication), is a personal choice to rebel against God.
3. Is it all right to be a non-practicing homosexual? Matt 5:27-28; 15:19 • No more than it is acceptable to be a non-practicing adulterer (lust), murderer (hate), drunk, or rapist.
• Sinful thoughts and desires in the heart will lead to sinful acts. Jas 1:13-15
• We are responsible for how we think. Phil 4:8-9
• God’s grace transforms our thoughts and desires. Rom 12:2; Gal 5:24; 1 Thess 5:23
4. The movement of our society to accept homosexuality is a sign of God’s judgment upon us. Isa 5:20; Rom 1:18-27, 32; Gen 19
163
4 ~ Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven
5. The most loving and courageous thing we can do is to call homosexuality sin because God forgives and transforms. Ps 119:128; Jas 5:19-20; 1 Cor 6:9-11
Discussion (22:25)
1. How do the foundations of the institution of marriage inform our view of marriage? The Bible teaches that marriage is established by God in history. Because of this, we cannot view it as purely a societal institution that is free to change along with society’s views about relationships.
2. What do we learn by the fact that marriage was instituted before the Fall? Because marriage was instituted before the fall we learn that it is part of God’s perfect design. It is a good thing that brings glory to Him.
3. In what ways can differences between spouses actually be a blessing to their marriage? Give some examples: Answers may include: they complement one another, balance one another out, provide opportunities to show grace, etc. Examples may include: a spender and a miser, a talker and a listener, driven and laid back, etc.
4. If it is not good for a man to be alone, how does that apply to single people? Further revelation in 1 Corinthians 7 explains the exception to this. The Lord has given some people the gift of singleness. This gift is given to specific people so that they can better serve God in that way. Some people are called to this for a season, others for their entire life.
God Established Your Roles as Husband and Wife from Creation A. The wife is to submit to her husband’s leadership. 1. Male headship was God’s design from the beginning. 1 Cor 11:8-9; 1 Tim 2:11-13
164
Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven ~ 5
2. The woman was made to be a helper to the man. Gen 2:18; 1 Cor 11:8-9
3. The man exercises dominion: naming the animals (and woman). Gen 2:19-20, 23; 3:20
4. The creation account refutes the claims of evangelical feminism. Gal 3:28 • Male dominion did not evolve because of the man’s superior size or strength
• Gender roles are not merely a cultural issue.
• Male headship is not the result of the fall.
• Male headship was God’s design from the beginning.
• The New Testament proves that wives’ submission did not end with the cross. Eph 5:22-24;
1 Pet 3:1-6
5. Women are not demeaned by submission. • Headship does not imply superiority of personhood, but involves distinction in function according to God’s design.
• Subordination does not make the woman inferior. 1 Cor 11:3
165
6 ~ Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven
• The servant’s role is glorious. Mark 10:42-45
• The submissive wife fulfills God’s design in her life.
6. The fall has distorted the marriage roles. Gen 3:16; 1 Pet 3:1-2, 7 • Women tend to reverse the God-given roles and dominate their husbands. Gen 4:7
• Men tend to be domineering and insensitive in their leadership.
B. The husband should love and honor his wife. Gen 2:21-23 1. Why did God choose such an unusual method for creating the woman? Gen 2:21-22
2. The husband should respect his wife because she is equally human, in the image of God. Gen 1:27; 1 Cor 7:8-9; 1 Pet 3:7
3. The husband ought to love and cherish his wife as part of himself. Eph 5:25-30 • His leadership is to be loving and sacrificial: Eph 5:25-27
• He is to care for his wife as part of his own body. Gen 2:23; Eph 5:28-30
166
Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven ~ 7
Concluding Applications A. Marriage is a Divine institution. 1. The first marriage was not just a mating (like animals) but a covenant ceremony at which God gave away the bride.
2. All subsequent marriages are to follow the pattern of the first.
3. Every marriage involves 3 persons: man, woman, and God.
4. All people are accountable to God for how they treat marriage.
5. Those who tamper with marriage will be judged by God. Heb 13:4
B. Marriage is meant by God to be a blessing for mankind. 1. Adam rejoices in the spouse God gives him. Gen 2:23; Prov 18:22
2. God still brings together Adams and Eves.
3. Rejoice in the spouse God has given you. Gen 2:23; Prov 5:18-19
167
8 ~ Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven
4. The primary goal of marriage is to glorify God.
C. Marriage is designed by God as a picture of our relationship to Him.
Discussion (35:05)
1. Why do we assert that the gender roles described in the Bible are not merely culture-specific? God designed specific roles for husband and wife from the very beginning. Even pre-Fall we see that each was given different roles to complement one another and to glorify God as they fulfilled them. Because they were instituted even before the Fall, we know that they are a part of God’s perfect design for all mankind.
2. How has the Fall perverted the God-given design for marriage? Part of the curse is that both man and woman would respond sinfully toward their God-given roles. The woman would be tempted to despise her role of submission and seek the headship assigned to her husband. The man would be tempted to abuse his role of headship and rule over his wife with a domineering authority. Marital strife has ensued ever since.
3. What is the purpose of God’s design for marriage roles? God has designed marriage to glorify Him as a picture of the gospel. When husbands exercise a loving, self-sacrificing headship and wives respond in respectful submission, they portray the relationship of Christ and His church to a watching world.
168
Biblical Foundations: Marriage Is Made in Heaven ~ 9
Books Harvey, Dave, When Sinners Say I Do. Keller, Tim, The Meaning of Marriage. Tripp, Paul, What Did You Expect?
Audios Harvey, Dave. “When Sinners Say I Do – Grace.” Harvey, Dave. “When Sinners Say I Do – Sin.”
169
170
CDC 22
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage Introduction: The “Magna Charta” of Marriage
Matt 19:5; Mark 10:7; 1 Cor 6:16; Eph 5:31
Leave: Your Marriage Creates a New Family Unit A. Your marriage takes priority over any other human relationship. 1. Even the parent-child relationship is temporary and changing.
2. This truth is reflected in the wedding ceremony: the giving away of the bride.
3. Grown children should still honor their parents. Exod 20:12; Mark 7:9-13
B. Failing to leave (or let go) is a violation of God’s design. 1. Geographically: Is it wrong to live in proximity to family members? • There are problems when married children live under their parents’ roof
• There are situations in which grown children should take care of their aged parents. Mark 7:9-13; 1 Tim 5:8
171
2 ~ Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage
2. Economically: Is it wrong for parents to help out their children? 2 Cor 12:14 • Young people should not get married until they are ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Eph 5:29
• Sometimes money comes with strings attached.
• Under some circumstances it can be appropriate for parents to help their children.
3. Emotionally: You can’t go back to your mother. • Some parents won’t let go.
• The harm of a child-centered home.
• The best thing you can do for your kids is to invest in your own marriage.
172
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage ~ 3
Discussion (16:03)
1. What are the three parts of the marriage covenant laid out in Genesis 2:24? God has designed marriage to include three things: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh.
2. What are some ways that a couple needs to be ready to leave their father and mother? There are three major areas in which couples need to be ready to live independently of their parents. They should carefully consider the geographic, economic and emotional aspects of leaving. It is important to understand that in counseling couples on these issues, we can help them work out these principles wisely in their own lives, but the Bible does not give many specific instructions. We must be careful of letting our own experience/ideas become commands to couples. The goal is that they know, understand, and seek to implement these principles together in their present situation.
3. What does the command to leave say about priorities in family relationships? Marriage is lifelong while full-time parenting is only for a season. Marriage is to be the priority.
Cleave: Your Marriage is a Lifelong Covenant of Companionship A. Marriage is permanent: “Until death do us part”. 1. Marriage is a commitment (contract). • The bond that unites a man and woman is not metaphysical, but covenantal.
• Remember your wedding vows. Ps 15:4
2. The key to staying together is to eliminate the option of separation or divorce.
173
4 ~ Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage
3. Marriage is not eternal. Matt 22:30
B. Marriage is designed by God to be the most intimate of human relationships. 1. Your spouse is to be your best friend: companion and “helper”. Gen 2:18
2. It takes time and effort to build intimacy: communication. • Quantity and quality time.
• Learn to listen. Jas 1:19; Phil 2:1-5; Prov 20:5
• Learn to express yourself lovingly and openly. Eph 4:29
C. Violations of God’s design. 1. A low view of the marriage covenant going into the marriage.
2. Divorce. Matt 19:3-9; Mal 2:14-16 • “No fault divorce” compounds the problem.
• Divorce is also widespread in the evangelical church.
174
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage ~ 5
• God allows protection for the innocent party when their spouse breaks the marriage covenant through adultery or abandonment. Matt 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor 7:15-16
3. Separation: legal or otherwise. Matt 19:6; 1 Cor 7:2-5; 1 Pet 3:7
4. Lack of communication and love in marriage. Prov 17:27-28; 18:2; 10:8; 27:2; Eph 4:29
Discussion (33:51)
1. What are the two implications of cleaving to one another? The terminology of cleaving implies both the permanence and intimacy that characterizes a God-honoring marriage.
2. What are some of the “worse” scenarios that people should consider before entering into marriage vows? Answers may include: health problems, financial difficulty, seasons of unemployment, etc.
3. Is it enough to just stay married? While it is God’s intention that we remain married through good times and bad, it was never His intention that marriages remain merely legally while husband and wife grow cold towards one another. A God-honoring marriage requires two parties that continue to work on maintaining an intimate and loving relationship characterized by all of the one-another and marriage passages in the Scriptures.
175
6 ~ Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage
One Flesh: Your Marriage Is the Only Place Where God’s Gift of Sex Is to Be Enjoyed A. Why did God create sex? Heb 13:4 1. The key to understanding sexual morality is to positively affirm what sex is for.
2. The physical union is a symbolic expression of the marriage covenant. Gen 2:24; 4:1
3. Sexual union in marriage is meant to produce children. Gen 1:27-28; Ps 127 • Children are a blessing from God.
• God wisely puts children into families to be raised by a mother and a father.
• We are called to fill the earth.
4. The physical union in marriage is meant by God to be pleasurable for both the husband and the wife. Deut 24:5; Prov 5:18-19; Heb 13:4; Song of Solomon
5. We need to teach our children a healthy biblical view of sex.
B. Any other sexual expression is a violation of God’s design. Ecc 7:29; Rom 1:18-32
176
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage ~ 7
1. Lust: fantasies and pornography. Matt 5:27-28; Jas 1:15; Job 31:1; 2 Sam 11:2
2. Fornication: Seeking the privileges of marriage without taking on the obligations. Sex between a man and a woman who are not yet married. Heb 13:4
3. Adultery: A married person having sex with anyone other than his or her spouse.
Exod 20:14; 1 Cor 6:16; Prov 7:27
4. Other sexual perversions: homosexuality, etc.
Concluding Applications: What God Has Joined Let No Man Separate! Matt 19:6
A. Do your part to protect marriage. God is involved in every marriage. 1. Romance is for marriage. If you are single, protect your upcoming marriage by not “leaving, cleaving, and one-fleshing” before you are married.
2. Marriage is for romance. If you are married, protect your marriage. • Positively: Invest time and effort in marriage relationship: Enjoy the blessings God has given you.
B. Relate to one another by grace. 1. Love your fellow sinner
177
8 ~ Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage
2. Give to your spouse the overwhelming grace that God gives you • Christ does not treat you as your sins deserve but rather loves you as His spotless bride.
C. The gospel is the best hope for marriage
Discussion (48:35)
1. What are the purposes of the physical union in marriage? God has given the gift of sex for several purposes: as a symbol of the oneness between husband and wife, to bring forth children, and for enjoyment within the bounds of marriage.
2. How should we view all of the other sexual expression in our culture? It is helpful to remember that any sexual expression outside of God’s specific design is nothing more than a counterfeit. The world promises fulfillment in a variety of ways, but they all fall far short of the gift God has given to be enjoyed in marriage.
3. Why is the gospel the best hope for struggling marriages? The gospel brings the transformative power of God’s grace into the marriage relationship. As you meditate on and are taken by God’s great love and grace for you in Christ, it will begin to flow out of you towards your spouse. The gospel enables you to both give and receive grace that you don’t deserve and so glorify God in your marriage.
178
Biblical Foundations: God’s Directive for Marriage ~ 9
Books Harvey, Dave, When Sinners Say I Do. Keller, Tim, The Meaning of Marriage. Tripp, Paul, What Did You Expect?
Audios Harvey, Dave. “When Sinners Say I Do – Grace.” Harvey, Dave. “When Sinners Say I Do – Sin.”
179
180
CDC 23
How to Change Your Husband Introduction and Review A. Christology is the key to understanding marriage. Eph 5:32
B. God’s design for marriage is applicable at all times and in all cultures. Isa 40:8
Is Submission Applicable Today? A. Many are offended at the biblical teaching concerning the wife’s role in marriage.
B. Why do some professing Christians reject male headship in marriage? 1. They say submission was merely cultural.
2. They say female subordination was a result of the Fall. Gen 3:16
3. They say submission denies our equality in Christ. Gal 3:28
4. They say we are supposed to equally submit to each other. Eph 3:21
181
2 ~ How to Change Your Husband
5. They say submission demeans women.
C. God has designed marriage to be a partnership in which the wife follows her husband’s leadership. Gen 2:18
1. God ordained male headship from the beginning of creation. 1 Cor 11:8-9; 1 Tim 2:13
2. The Fall reinforces the need for male headship. 1 Tim 2:14; Gen 3:16
3. Submission does not imply inferiority. 1 Cor 11:3; 1 Pet 3:7; Gal 3:28; Luke 2:51
4. God has established order in many relationships. Eph 6:1, 5; Rom 13:1; Tim 2:9; 3:1; 1 Pet 2:13, 18;
5:5; Heb 13:17
5. Many objections to submission often stem from an unbiblical concept of equality and significance. Matt 20:25-28
6. We do not have the right to redefine the gender roles God has established.
182
How to Change Your Husband ~ 3
Discussion (14:19)
1. What are some ways people try to rationalize away the call for a wife’s submission? Popular arguments include that submission was merely cultural, it was a result of the fall or even scriptural appeals to equality in Christ.
2. What is a key text to refute those arguments? 1 Cor 11:8-9
3. Does submission imply inferiority? 1 Corinthians 11:3 explains that Christ is in submission to the Father as the wife is to be in submission to her husband. Just as Christ is not inferior to the Father, the wife is not inferior to her husband. Both are as spiritually equal as the Father and the Son, but they fulfill different roles. God has established order, but that does not mean superiority or inferiority.
4. How is the role of the wife Christlike? Christ came not to be served but to serve. He also came not to do His own will but that of the Father. In the same way the role of the wife is to serve her husband and assist him in submitting to His leadership.
What is God’s Design for the Wife’s Role? A. Submit to your husband as unto the Lord. Eph 5:22; Titus 2:5; Col 3:18; 1 Pet 3:1, 5 1. Recognize that God has made your husband the head of the family.
2. Follow your husband’s leadership. 1 Pet 3:6
183
4 ~ How to Change Your Husband
3. Don’t usurp his headship. Gen 3:16; 4:7
4. Your submission is to be comprehensive. Eph 5:24
5. Your attitude is as important as your actions: respectful and loyal. Prov 12:4
6. Love your husband. Titus 2:4
7. Your motive for submission is not your husband’s worthiness, but the Lord’s.
B. Be his helper. Gen 2:18 1. Do everything you can to help your husband to succeed. Prov 31:23
2. Anticipate your husband’s needs and desires.
3. Use your influence over him for good, not evil. Prov 31:11-12; Gen 3:6; 16:2
C. Devote yourself to a home-centered ministry. Titus 2:3–5; 1 Tim 5:14; Prov 31:27 1. Put your family ahead of any outside career.
184
How to Change Your Husband ~ 5
2. Help your husband by managing the home and raising the children.
3. Does this mean your gifts will be suppressed?
4. The calling of a homemaker is a high calling!
5. A husband must work hard so his wife can be free to work in the home.
6. This does not mean wives cannot make any economic contribution to the family. Prov 31:16, 24
7. What should a wife do when her children are grown? Titus 2:3ff; Prov 31:20
185
6 ~ How to Change Your Husband
Discussion (31:51)
1. Are wives free from the mandate to submit if their husband is wrong? Wives are called to submit to their husbands in all things as they would to the Lord. This means that they are not submitting according to their husband’s merit, nor is their submission to depend on the wisdom of His decisions. Unless a husband is attempting to lead a wife into sin, she is to submit to his leadership.
2. Given the extent of the command to submit, what might a single woman want to consider in evaluating a potential marriage partner? A single woman should consider that whoever she chooses to marry is the man to whom she must submit for the rest of her life. Before deciding to marry someone, it would be wise to carefully evaluate if his leadership is the kind of leadership that she wants to come under. Once she is married, she is no longer free to make that choice.
3. What are some ways a woman can be her husband’s helper? Answers may include: anticipate his needs, encourage him, put him ahead of other interests, work hard in the home, etc.
Submission Is God’s Tool by Which You Can Change Your Husband 1 Pet 3:1-6
A. Many women suffer under the authority of sinful husbands. 1. What if your husband is an unbeliever? 1 Cor 7:13
2. What if your husband is selfish and unkind?
3. What if your husband won’t lead in a Christlike way? 186
How to Change Your Husband ~ 7
B. What does Peter mean by saying you should win your husband “without a word”? 1. He does not mean women can never speak to their husbands. In a good marriage a husband welcomes his wife’s counsel. Prov 31:11-12, 23, 26
2. When a husband makes it clear he doesn’t want to hear his wife’s admonition, she should not nag and criticize him.
3. Instead, win him by the attractiveness of your godly life. 1 Pet 3:2-4
C. How can a wife do this? 1. Such quiet submission is the opposite of what the flesh tells you to do.
2. It takes faith to do what the Scripture says.
3. The key phrase “in the same way” (as Christ). 1 Pet 3:1a; 2:21-25
4. Entrust yourself to God. 1 Pet 2:23; 3:6b; Jer 17:5-8
5. The same principles can be applied to winning others in authority over us.
187
8 ~ How to Change Your Husband
D. Submission is not absolute. 1. No husband has a right to tell his wife to sin or to go against her conscience. Acts 5:29, 1-11; Rom 14:23; Heb 10:25
2. Submission is voluntary. Men are never told to subjugate their wives.
3. Wives are not obligated to endure physical abuse, abandonment, or marital unfaithfulness.
4. Wives do not give up their freedom to confront their husbands’ sins using the process in
1 Cor 7:15; Matt 19:9
Matt 18:15ff
Concluding Applications A. Wives: Don’t let the serpent rob you of the blessings God has for you.
B. Single men: Choose a wife whom you can trust to do you good. Prov 31:10-12, 30
C. Single women: Prepare yourself for marriage by cultivating the qualities of a godly wife. Don’t even think about marrying a man whose leadership you cannot follow for the rest of your life.
D. Husbands: Show respect to your wife. I Pet. 3:7. Be the kind of Christlike lover who is easy to follow. Eph 5:24bff. Encourage your wife. Prov 31:28-31; 19:14
188
How to Change Your Husband ~ 9
E. Children: Honor your mother! Prov 23:25; 31:28b
Discussion (53:00)
1. What are the means by which a godly woman can hope to change her husband? 1 Peter 3:1-6 lays out the way that God has provided for a wife to change her husband. She is to win him by the attractiveness of her godly life. As she trusts the Lord, ceases from trying to seize control and treats her husband with grace, she is holding before him the very gospel that has the power to change him.
2. Can a wife ever take her concerns to her husband? Peter does not mean that a wife can never speak to her husband about her concerns. As his helper she ought to respectfully share her thoughts and concerns with her husband. In good marriages husbands will welcome the input of their wives. However, Peter is saying that there is a time for a wife to hold her peace and trust in God. Once she has shared her concerns, or once her husband has made it clear that he does not welcome any more input, she is not to resort to nagging or criticizing.
3. How can a wife actually do this? This is a matter of faith. It doesn’t meet the “common sense test.” She must keep her focus on Christ, who also was willing to suffer under unjust authority. As He entrusted Himself to the Father, so she must entrust herself to the Father and seek His help through prayer.
4. Is there ever a limit to submission? There are several exceptions to a wife’s duty to submit to her husband. No husband has the authority to lead his wife into sin. Wives must obey God’s commands over their husband’s. If they do have to resist their husband’s authority they should do so respectfully. Secondly, if a wife sees her husband in sin she has a right to confront him as his sister in Christ. Finally, wives do not have to submit themselves to physical abuse or marital unfaithfulness. In any of these situations, wives have a God-given right to confront their husbands and to seek help if necessary.
189
10 ~ How to Change Your Husband
Books Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Helper by Design. Keller, Timothy, The Meaning of Marriage (chapter 6 by Kathy Keller). Peace, Martha, The Excellent Wife.
190
CDC 24
How to Change Your Wife Introduction and Review
Husbands Love Your Wives as Christ Loves the Church
Eph 5:25-27
A. Love her unconditionally. Eph 5:25a; 1 Cor 13:4-7 1. The world has cheapened the meaning of love.
2. Your love is not dependent upon the worthiness of the beloved.
3. Christ loved you when you were not worthy to be loved. Eph 2:1-3; Rom 5:8, 10; 1 John 4:10
4. Seek the good of your wife, whether she deserves it or not.
5. Christlike love (agape) is not merely a feeling or a passion. It is a commitment.
6. You are to be the initiator in love. 1 John 4:19
191
2 ~ How to Change Your Wife
7. Christlike love comes from the heart.
B. Love her sacrificially. Eph 5:25b 1. Christ’s love is demonstrated on the Cross. Eph 5:2; Gal 2:20
2. Christ’s love for the church is particular. John 10:11
3. Give up your life for your bride. • Paul is not merely saying you must be willing to give up your life.
• Sacrifice your rights and interests for her good. Phil 2:3ff; 1 Cor 7:33
4. Authority has been given to serve. John 13:3ff; Mark 10:45; Matt 20:20-28
C. Love her with a purifying love. Eph 5:26-27 1. Christ our Bridegroom is committed to making you holy. Eph 1:4; Titus 2:14; John 17:19; Phil 1:6;
Col 1:22; Rev 19:7
2. Your love for your wife should make her more beautiful spiritually. 2 Cor 11:2
192
How to Change Your Wife ~ 3
3. Do you have the courage to make biblical decisions which go against her preferences? Gen 3:6; 16:2
Discussion (26:14)
1. What does doctrine have to do with practical marriage advice? The gospel is that which empowers husbands and wives to love one another in a way that pleases God. A correct understanding of that gospel is what will instruct them in how to do that. Many bad practices are rooted in bad theology/doctrine. A faulty view of leadership/submission is quickly challenged by a proper Christology.
2. In what ways is the husband’s role Christlike? Answers may include: his love is to be unconditional, he is to initiate reconciliation, he is to sacrifice his own interests, he is to lead by serving, he is to care about the sanctification of his wife, etc.
3. What does true leadership look like? True leadership is a servant leadership. Just as Christ, knowing all things were under His authority, washed his disciple’s feet, so husbands ought to serve their families through their sacrificial leadership.
4. How can a husband purify his wife? A husband can purify his wife through faithful spiritual leadership. Paul says he is to wash her with the water of the word. This means gently instructing her in the Scriptures, praying with her and encouraging her to develop Christlike characteristics. It also means a husband needs to have the courage to make godly decisions even if it goes against his wife’s preferences.
Husbands, Love your Wives as Your Own Bodies A. Love your wife as you love yourself. Eph 5:28 1. You love her because you are united.
193
Eph 5:28-30
4 ~ How to Change Your Wife
2. She is not just like a part of yourself. She is part of you. Gen 2:23 • Paul assumes every man loves himself unconditionally.
• It is unnatural to abuse your own body. Eph 5:29
B. Nourish your wife. Eph 5:29b 1. Christ has provided richly for you! 2 Pet 2:3-4; Eph 1:7, 9; 2:5-6; 3:6, 12; 4:11
2. Provide for her materially. Gen. 3:17ff; 1 Tim 5:8; Titus 2:3ff
3. Meet her emotional needs. 1 Pet 3:7; Jas 1:19a
4. Meet her spiritual needs.
5. Meet her sexual needs. 1 Cor 7:3-5; 1 Tim 2:15; 5:14; Exod 21:10; Prov 5:15-19
C. Cherish your wife. Eph 5:29c 1. Understand her. 1 Pet 3:7
194
How to Change Your Wife ~ 5
2. Be patient and gentle with her. Col 3:19
3. Treat her with respect. Prov 31:11
4. Express appreciation and affection to her. Prov 31:28b
D. If you mistreat your wife, your relationship with God will be affected. 1 Pet 3:7b
E. Questions. 1. What should you do if your wife is hard to love?
2. What should you do if you don’t have loving feelings towards your wife?
Concluding Applications: Love Her and Lead Her! A. Application to singles.
B. Application to husbands: How can anyone love like that? 1 John 4:19
195
6 ~ How to Change Your Wife
Discussion
1. What are some ways a husband can nourish and cherish his wife? Answers may include: be generous with her, care for her emotional needs, try to understand where she is coming from, express appreciation for her, know how much she can handle and live in an understanding way, etc.
2. How does a man’s relationship with his wife correspond to His relationship with the Lord? 1 Peter 3:7 tells men that their prayers will be hindered if they do not treat their wives as they ought. This shows the great importance the Lord puts on the role of the husband.
3. What should you do if your wife is hard to love? You need to realize that this is a situation where you have even more opportunity to show the love of Christ. You need to remember that you are a fellow sinner and that you both require mercy and compassion from God and from each other. You need to ask the Lord to help you and to give you a tender heart for her.
4. What things should a single man seriously consider before choosing to get married? Marriage is not about what you can get out of it. It requires maturity and a willingness to give yourself to someone sacrificially. A man should honestly evaluate if he is really ready to do this before he decides to get married.
Books Priolo, Lou, The Complete Husband.
Supplemental Resources “50 Questions to Ask Your Wife.”
196
CDC 25
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication Introduction: Communication Breakdown in the Family
Eph 4:25-32
Conflict Resolution: Clean the Slate (See The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande) A. First, get the log out of your own eye. Matt 7:1-5 1. The key to your relationship with each other is your relationship with God (and vice versa). 1 Pet 3:7; Matt 5:23-24
2. Focus upon your duties rather than your rights: expectations! Jas 4:1-4
3. Seek forgiveness where you have wronged your spouse. Matt 5:23-24; 7:3-5; Prov 28:13 • Address everyone involved.
• Avoid if, but, and maybe.
• Admit specifically where you were wrong.
• Acknowledge the hurt.
197
2 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
• Accept the consequences.
• Alter your behavior.
• Ask for forgiveness.
B. Grant forgiveness when you have been wronged. 1. You have no choice! Matt 6:14; 18:21ff; Eph 4:32
2. Forgive as God has forgiven you: freely and unconditionally. In what sense does God remember our sin no more? Jer 31:34
3. The four promises of forgiveness. • I will not think about this incident. 1 Cor 13:5; Jer 31:34
• I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
• I will not talk to others about this incident.
• I will not allow this incident to stand between us or to hinder our relationship.
198
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication ~ 3
C. Keep short accounts. 1. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Eph 4:26-27
2. Beware of letting a root of bitterness spring up! Heb 12:15
D. Learn to control anger. Prov 29:11, 20, 22; 25:28; 15:1; Rom 12:17-21; Eph 4:31-32 1. Neither vent your anger nor bottle it up. Attack the problem instead of people.
2. Learn self-control. The legitimate use of “time-outs”. Prov 17:14; 25:28
3. Understand the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger. Eph 4:26
4. Deal with the heart of your anger. 1 Cor 6:19-20; Rom 12:17-21; 14:19
E. Steps for confronting sin. Matt 18:15-20 1. Overlook minor offenses. 1 Pet. 4:8; Prov 19:11
2. Talk in private.
199
4 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
3. Take one or two others along.
4. Tell it to the church.
5. Treat him as an unbeliever.
200
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication ~ 5
Discussion (33:05)
1. For conflict resolution to take place, what do people need to see as the biggest problem? Each party needs to have the perspective that their own sin is the biggest problem, because they are the chief of sinners. They also need to view their sin as first against God, and then against their spouse.
2. What should a person do before confessing their sin to their spouse? The first thing a person should do is confess their sin to the Lord and receive His forgiveness. Then they can go and seek reconciliation from the spouse. It is important to confess in this order because a person’s own relationship with the Lord is key to their relationship with their spouse.
3. In what sense is forgiveness a gospel obligation? God has richly forgiven His people an infinite debt in Christ. Having received this forgiveness they now owe it to their fellow men. See the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matt 18:21-35.
4. Why is it important to keep short accounts? Problems and offenses are at their smallest and most manageable when they first take place. Over time, however, unresolved problems take root and grow. It is wise to regularly “pull the weeds” rather than to ignore them until they are out of control.
5. How can the gospel quench a person’s anger? The gospel says that God had a right to be angry at you, but Christ bore His wrath that you might receive grace. When you think of how you have been spared from the much deserved wrath of the Father, you will be enabled to let go of your own anger towards others.
6. When you do go to confront your spouse about something, what should your attitude be? Answers may include: humble, gentle, God-centered, seeking to help, desiring restoration, etc.
201
6 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
Keys to Communication A. The goal of communication: love. Phil 2:1-5; Rom 15:2
B. Learn to listen in love. Jas 1:19 1. God listens to you. Isa 59:1
2. Are you more concerned about being heard, or hearing? Phil. 2:1-5; 1 Pet 3:7
3. Develop good listening skills. 1 Cor 13:4-7
4. Learn to draw your spouse out. Prov 20:5
C. Learn to speak in love. 1. God’s ideal for marriage is intimacy and openness. Gen 2:25
2. Is total honesty always called for? Prov 18:2; 10:19; Eph 4:29
3. Learn to communicate on a deeper level.
202
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication ~ 7
4. Use your speech to build up. Eph 4:29; 5:19; Prov 16:21, 24; 10:11, 21; 31:26; Phil 4:8
5. Do you know what style of communication best reaches your spouse?
6. Timing can be important. Prov 25:11; 27:14; 15:23;
D. Communication killers. “Circuit jammers” (Wayne Mack). 1. Lies. Matt 5:33-36; Eph 4:25
2. Busyness and distractions.
3. Self-centered conversation: interrupting, monopolizing, hasty speech, unnecessary correction, boasting. Prov 18:13, 18:2; 10:18; 20:20; 27:2; Jas 1:19; Eccl 5:2
4. Destructive “unsafe” speech. • Angry, cruel, hurtful words. Matt 5:21-22; Prov 10:11; 12:18; 15:1, 28; 16:21, 23-24; Jas 3:5-8;
Eph 4:29, 31
• Bullying, threatening and manipulating.
203
8 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
• Nagging, negativity, grumbling, and public criticism harmful body language and other non-verbal communication. 1 Pet 3:1-2; Prov 25:24 Prov 6:12-15; 10:10; 16:30
5. Refusal to communicate.
6. Bitterness and dwelling on the past. 1 Cor 13:5
Practical Ways to Build up Your Communication A. Set regular times in which you will give undivided attention to each other. 1. Daily debriefing.
2. Bi-weekly date.
3. Semi-annual get away.
B. Worship together.
C. A communication exercise. 1. First the husband explains the wife’s point of view.
204
Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication ~ 9
2. Then the wife explains the husband’s point of view. (Same rules)
3. Then the wife responds to the husband.
4. Then the husband responds to the wife.
D. Set goals together.
E. Have fun together.
F. The same principles of communication and conflict resolution apply in other relationships: i.e., children.
205
10 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Conflict Resolution and Communication
Discussion
1. How can husbands and wives use their words to minister the gospel to one another? Answers may include: encourage when they fail, remind them of God’s grace, show kindness just as the Lord’s kindness leads them to repentance, etc.
2. Is total honesty always called for? The Bible always calls for us to speak the truth. It stipulates, however, that the truth must be spoken in love. Ephesians 4:29 says not to allow ourselves to speak if our speech is unwholesome. If what you have to say to your spouse is not edifying, it is best left unsaid. The exception may be the situations when the truth will hurt, but your spouse needs to be told (e.g. confession of sin against them).
3. What are some communication killers that need to be guarded against? Answers may include: lies, business, interrupting, hurtful words, nagging, bitterness, etc.
4. What are some practical ways to build communication in your marriage? Answers may include: set regular times for communication, worship together, set goals together, take time to explain one another’s point of view before responding with your own, etc.
Books Mack, Wayne, Preparing for Marriage God’s Way. For homework ideas see pp. 71,74-76. Mack, Wayne, Your Family God’s Way. For homework ideas see pp. 130-132,161,175-176, 192-196, 225-226. Sande, Ken, The Peacemaker.
Audios Newheiser, Jim. “Biblical Peacemaking Series.” http://www.ibcd.org/resources/messages/series/biblical-peacemaking/
206
CDC 26
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom From Proverbs Introduction and Review A. The theology of wealth. 1. God is the owner and source of all wealth. Prov 8:21; 10:22; Deut 8:18; Ps 50:10
2. God blesses the wise with wealth. Prov 14:24; 15:6; 10:22; 1 Tim 6:17
3. Are the wise (godly) always wealthy? Prov 10:4
B. Money is important. Luke 16:11; 1 Tim 5:8; Prov 3:5-6
Maintain a Balanced Perspective on Money
Prov 30:8-9
A. Money can be good. 1 Tim 6:10, 17; 4:4-5; Prov 14:20; 19:4, 6; 10:15; 30:9; 19:2; 22:7; Eccl 5:18
B. Money is dangerous. Prov 16:16, 8, 19; 19:1, 22; 10:2; 22:1; 28:6; 15:16-17; 23:4-5; 22:2; 28:6, 11; 11:4, 28; 30:8-9; Isa 55:1-3; Rev 3:17-18; Eccl 4:8; 6:2; Jas 1:9-11; Luke 16:19ff; 12:16ff; 1 Tim 6:9-10; Matt 13:22; Col 3:5
207
2 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs
C. Learn the secret of contentment. Prov 10:3; 13:25; 25:16; Heb 13:5-6; Phil 4:11-12; 1 Tim 6:6-8, 17; Luke 3:14; Gen 28:20; Matt 6:11; Ps 37:25; 34:9-10; Matt 6:11, 33; Phil. 4:19; 1 Tim 6:8; Your money problems are spiritual more than financial. Isa 55:1-3
Acquiring Money A. Work hard and smart to make a living. Prov 10:4-5; 6:6-11; 27:23-24 1. Wisdom’s formula for success: Skill x effort = wealth. Prov 10:4b; 12:24; 22:29; 21:5
2. Sluggards suffer poverty and shame. Prov 6:6-11; 10:4a; 24:30-32; 26:14-15; 22:13; 20:4; 15:19; 13:4; 16:26
3. Don’t expect “easy money”. Prov 12:11; 28:19; 21:5
4. You may not be able to pursue your dream career. Prov 28:19; 14:23
B. Do not compromise your integrity to gain wealth. Prov 10:2; 13:11, 23; 15:6; 16:8; 20:21; 28:20, 22; 20:10, 23; 21:6; 11:1; 16:11; 22:16; 20:14; 11:24-26; Jas 5:1-6; Amos 8:4
1. God will destroy sinfully gained wealth. Prov 13:11; 20:17; 22:16; 15:27; 28:8
2. Gambling is foolish. Prov 12:11; 28:19; 21:5; 30:9; 13:11; 20:21
208
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs~ 3
C. Marriage problems. 1. What if the husband is a poor provider (or even a sluggard)? 1 Tim 5:8; 2 Thess 3:10
2. Should the wife work outside the home? Titus 2:5; Eph 5:29; Gen 3:18-19
3. What if the wife is a sluggard at home?
4. What if one spouse has a gambling habit?
209
4 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs
Discussion (26:24) 1. Do the Proverbs promise that the godly will be wealthy?
Proverbs is full of maxims or general principles about the way things usually go. These principles tend to show that those who work diligently and righteously will be blessed by God. These are not specific promises that things will always be this way. There are both cases of the wicked becoming wealthy and the righteous struggling to make ends meet.
2. What are some ways money can be good? Answers may include: it allows us to provide for ourselves and those we love, it allows us to do good to others, we can honor God with our wealth, etc.
3. What are some ways money can be dangerous? Answers may include: it seems to offer happiness but ultimately cannot, it can be used like a drug, it is fleeting, too much of it can be a temptation to forget God, etc.
4. How does Proverbs describe the formula for gaining wealth? Proverbs has no get rich quick schemes. It is about working hard and working smart.
5. What are some characteristics of a sluggard? Answers may include: lazy, loving rest and recreation, full of excuses, unwilling to do what it takes to provide, etc.
Spending Money A. Honor the Lord from your wealth. Prov 3:9-10; 19:17; 28:27; 14:21, 31; 21:13; 22:9; 11:25; Exod 23:6, 11; 1 Cor 16:2; Matt 12:44; 6:1-4; Heb 13:16; Phil 4:18; 2 Cor 9:7, 10; 8:8
210
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs~ 5
B. Control your expenditures. 1. Plan your outgo (make a budget). Prov 21:5; 24:3-4; Luke 14:28-29
2. Don’t make impulsive purchases. Prov 14:15; 22:3
3. Don’t live beyond your means. Prov 21:17; 23:20-21; 25:16
4. Test your motives for spending money. Eccl 2:1ff
C. Stay out of debt. Debt is folly! 1. Debt produces bondage to men. Prov 22:7; Deut 28:44, 12; 15:6
2. Debt presumes upon the future. Prov 16:9; 19:21
3. Pay your obligations promptly. Prov 3:27-28
4. What you can spend is determined by what you have, not your credit limit.
5. If you can’t control your use of credit cards, tear them up. Matt 5:29
211
6 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs
6. Is it legitimate to borrow to buy a home? Prov 24:27
7. Never make yourself liable for someone else’s debt (co-signing)! Prov 6:1-5; 22:26-27; 17:18;
11:15; 20:16
8. Is bankruptcy biblical? Prov 3:27-28; Ps 37:21
Saving Money A. Anticipate future expenses or financial crises. Prov 6:8; 30:25; 13:11; 28:20
B. Invest wisely. 1. Beware of “get rich quick” schemes. Prov 13:11; 28:19-20, 22; 15:27; 27:12
2. Investment risk tends to increase with anticipated return.
3. Is it wrong to take interest from others? Prov 28:8; Deut 23:19-20; 15:1-11; Matt 25:27
4. Apply wisdom and seek godly counsel. Prov 15:22; 18:15; Eccl 11:6
212
Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs~ 7
C. Leave an inheritance to your children. Prov 13:22; 19:14; 20:21; 2 Cor 12:14
Concluding Applications A. Make it your goal to be wise, not rich! Prov 23:4-5; 19:1; 28:6, 22; 8:10-11; 15:16-17; 16:16; Eccl 5:10, 15; Matt 6:33; Heb 13:5-6; Ps 34:10
B. You can’t take it with you. 2 Pet 3:10-13; Eccl 5:15; Matt 6:19-21
C. Remember our Lord Jesus Christ who paid your debt. 2 Cor 8:9
213
8 ~ Solving Marriage Problems: Using Financial Wisdom from Proverbs
Discussion (56:40) 1. What are some ways we can honor the Lord with our wealth?
Answers may include: give Him the firstfruits, be generous, give to those in need, etc.
2. How can people control their expenditures? Answers may include: make a budget, don’t live beyond your means, don’t make impulsive purchases, etc.
3. Why is debt so problematic? Debt is typically incurred through foolishness and over-indulgence. It produces bondage to men and presumes upon the future.
4. What are some wise aspects to preparing for the future? Answers may include: anticipating future expenses, purchasing insurance policies, investing wisely, seeking counsel, preparing a will, etc.
5. How does the gospel apply to dealing with financial matters? Recalling the gospel is key to laying a foundation of a healthy perspective on finances. Christ emptied himself of everything that we through His poverty might become rich. He paid our infinite debts that we would no longer be in bondage to them. In Christ we have true riches and everything else is of secondary importance. Keeping this perspective will cause us to trust the Lord, free us from covetousness, allow us to be generous and give us hearts that long to honor God with the material goods He entrusts to us.
Supplemental Resources “Your Family Budget”
214
CDC 27
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 Introduction: Sex as Idol or Sex as Blessing?
God Created Sex to Be a Blessing
Gen 2:24; 1:27-28
A. Sex is part of God’s perfect holy creation. Gen 1:27-28, 31; 2:24-25; Eph 5:32
B. Why did God create sex? 1. An expression and enhancement of oneness in the marriage covenant. Gen 2:24; 4:1
2. God’s chosen means to enable mankind to fill the earth. Gen 1:27-28; Ps 127
3. For the enjoyment of both husband and wife. Deut 24:5; Prov 5:18-19; Heb 13:4; Song 1:2, 13-16;
7:1-10; 4:1-7; 5:10-16; 7:6-9; 1 Cor 7:3
C. God’s design for sex is violated by any sexual expression outside of the marriage covenant. Gen 2:24; Eccl 7:29; Rom 1:18-32; Heb 13:4
1. Adultery. Exod 20:14; Matt 19:9; 1 Cor 6:16; Prov 7:27; 6:24-35; Heb 13:4 • Affairs of the heart can be adulterous, even if there is no touching. Gen 2:24
215
2 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
• The greatest harm caused by adultery is the destruction of trust. Eph 4:25
2. Fornication. 1 Cor 6:9; Heb 13:4 • You are taking the privileges of the marriage covenant without accepting the responsibilities.
• You are stealing from your future spouse and from the future spouse of your partner in sin.
• Sexual sin is not limited to going all of the way.
• Premarital promiscuity can adversely affect your marriage. Num 32:23; Gal 6:7
3. Homosexuality. Lev 18:22; 20:13; 1 Cor 6:9; Rom 1:26-27; Gen 19:5; Ezek 16:48-49; Jude 7; Deut 22:5;
1 Cor 7:4
1 Tim 1:10; 2 Pet 2:6
4. Lust and self-gratification. Matt 5:27-28; Job 31:1, 9; Prov 7:25; 6:25; 2 Tim 2:22 • Pornography destroys sexual intimacy in marriage.
• Lustful thoughts often lead to acts (adultery). Jas 1:14-15
• If you are struggling, prepare to take radical action. Matt 5:29-30; Rom 13:15
216
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 ~ 3
D. God brings many consequences to sexual sin. Num 32:23; Gal 6:7-8; 1 Cor 6:9-10; Prov 5:11ff; 7:22ff
Discussion (24:22) 1. What are the reasons God created sex?
God created sex primarily for three reasons. The first is to express the oneness of the marriage covenant. The second is God’s chosen way to fill the earth. The third is for the enjoyment of husband and wife. God’s purpose is that sex should be a blessing as it serves these three purposes.
2. How has secular culture twisted sex from blessing to idol? Secular culture rejects God’s purposes for sex, marketing a sort of consumer experience as its ultimate purpose. It embraces many forms of sexual expression that violate the God-given boundaries of the marriage covenant. The focus is almost exclusively on what can be gotten out of sex for oneself. This is idolatry at its essence.
Mankind has Ruined God’s Gift of Sex by Turning it into an Idol A. Sexual sin is a theological problem. Rom 1:26-32; 1 Thess 4:3-5; Ps 51:4; Eph 4:17-19
B. Idolatry, more than adultery, is the key to understanding sexual sin. Ezek 14:7, 14; 1 Cor 10:7-8; Rom 1:24-5; Jonah 2:8 1. An idol is anything we put in God’s place.
217
4 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
2. Even something which is good can become sinfully idolatrous when we desire it more than we desire God, are willing to sin in order to get it, or react sinfully when we don’t get what we want. Jas 4:1-2
3. Lust is the idolatry of sex.
4. Idolatrous lust in the heart leads to sinful sexual acts. Jas 1:13-15
5. Idolatry is enslaving and destructive. 2 Pet 2:18-19; Prov 5:22, 3, 9
C. Sexual idolatry can occur even within marriage. 1. I must have a thrilling sexual relationship with my spouse.
2. I must have sex a certain number of times per week.
3. I must be able to have sex whenever I want to have sex.
4. My spouse must stay in shape and look a certain way.
5. I must feel attractive in order to want to have sex.
218
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 ~ 5
6. My spouse must be as interested in sex as I am.
7. My spouse must do certain things for me sexually (and like it).
8. I must have a spouse who is romantic and communicates with me before I am expected to have sex with him/her.
9. I must be able to sleep when I want to sleep.
Knowing the supremacy of Christ enlarges the soul so
10. I must have intense romantic passion for my life to be full.
that sex and its little thrills become as small as they really are.
D. How can you know if you are a sexual idolater? 1. Are you obsessed with getting what you want?
-John Piper
2. Do you get angry when you don’t get what you think that you must have? Jas 4:1ff
E. Sexual idolatry creates significant problems in the marriage relationship. Jas 4:1-2
F. Sexual idolatry within marriage often leads to sexual sins outside of marriage.
219
6 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
G. If you seek ultimate satisfaction through sex, or any other idol: money, possessions, food, drugs, rather than in the Lord, you will remain unsatisfied. Isa 55:1-2
H. Sex, like everything else in life, is to be done for the glory of God. 1 Cor 6:18-20; 10:31
Discussion (41:40) 1. What is meant by the statement that sexual sin is a theological problem?
At the root of all sexual sin is idolatry. A person who is enslaved to sexual sin has abandoned the worship of God in order to worship their own pleasure in whatever form it takes. At the heart of the problem is the fact that they are no longer turning to God, but to this idol, as the source of their comfort, joy and supreme good.
2. If sex is good, how can it become an idol? Even something which is good can become sinfully idolatrous. If we desire something more than we desire God, are willing to sin to obtain something, or react sinfully when we don’t get what we want, we have allowed this thing to become an idol. We are no longer free to enjoy it as a good gift from God, but have become sinfully enslaved to it.
3. What are two helpful questions to ask to expose idolatry? Two helpful questions to ask are: 1) Are you obsessed with getting what you want? 2) Do you get angry when you don’t get what you think you must have?
Sexual Wisdom from Proverbs: One Lady Who Can Destroy You and Two Who Can Save You A. Madam Folly can ruin you. Prov 7:6-23
220
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 ~ 7
1. The prey (the sexual idolater) - naive. Prov 7:6-9
2. The huntress and her tactics - she knows how to lure the idolater. Prov 7:10-20; 23:28 • She besieges every sense: sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. Prov 7:10-17; 6:25b, 26b
• She lures you with promises of the ultimate in sensual exhilaration. Prov 7:16, 18
• She overcomes your doubts and fears. Prov 7:19-20
3. The kill. Prov 7:21-23, 26 ; Eccl 7:26
B. Your spouse may protect you from sexual immorality. Prov 5:15-20 1. Find sexual happiness with your spouse. • The answer to sexual desire is not abstinence, but marital delight. 1 Cor 7:2-5
• Sex in marriage is good and honorable: a gift from God. Heb 13:4; 1 Tim 4:3-4
• Direct all of your sexual energy towards your spouse. Prov 5:15-17; Song 4:12-15
221
8 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
• Be content with the spouse God has given you. Heb 13:4-5
• Sex is private.
2. Marital sex should be exhilarating. Prov 5:18-19; Deut. 24:5; Eccl 9:9 • Husband and wife enjoy delights which thrill all of their senses.
Song 4:1-7, 9, 14; 5:1, 10-16; 6:4ff; 2:14, 6, 3; 1:2-3
• Be intoxicated with romantic love. Let yourself go with your spouse!
• All of this assumes a godly marriage.
• If you aren’t godly, a wife will not solve your problems!
3. If you are married tend your (sexual) garden. Song 4:12, 16; 5:1
4. If you are single protect and preserve your garden.
C. Lady Wisdom will protect you from immorality. 1. Not everyone has a spouse who is helpful. Prov 12:4; 21:9; 25:24
222
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 ~ 9
2. Your spouse can’t meet your ultimate needs. Isa 55:1-2; Jer 17:5-8
3. Make Wisdom (the Lord) your first love, even above your spouse! Prov 4:5-9; 7:4; 9:5; 12:4;
Mark 12:30; 1 Cor 1:30-31; Col 2:3; 2 Tim 3:4; Isa 12:3; 44:3,55
4. Lady Wisdom helps you to see the true nature of Madam Folly. Prov 2:16-19 • Madam Folly is cunning and deceitful. Prov 7:10c; 29:5
• She is boisterous and hardened. Prov 7:11a; 2:17; Hos 4:16
• She is rebellious and unwilling to commit to a husband and a home - a home wrecker, not a home maker. Prov 7:11b-12; 2:17; 27:15-16; Jer 5:23; Hos 4:17
• She is a religious hypocrite. Prov 7:14
• She is a counterfeit wife offering counterfeit love. Prov 7:18; 1 Cor 6:16
5. Wisdom shows you why sexual immorality is wrong. • In relation to God. Ps 51:5; Jas 4:4; Gen 39:9
• In relation to your neighbor. Prov 6:29, 33-35; Exod 20:14; Lev 19:16-18
223
10 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
• In relation to yourself. Prov 5:11-13, 22-23
6. Wisdom warns you of the deadly consequences of sexual sin. Prov 2:18-10; 5:3-5, 11-13, 22-23;
6:25ff; 7:22-27; Ps 73:17; 37:30; Heb 13:4
• Physical: Your strength and health will fail. Prov 5:9, 11; 6:34-35; 31:3; Ps 32:3-4
• Financial: You will suffer loss. Prov 5:10; 6:26a, 30-31, 35; 29:3; Luke 15:13; Job 31:12
• Social: Your reputation will be ruined. Prov 5:14; 6:33-35, 29
• Domestic: You will do horrible damage to your own family. Prov 5:16-17
• Spiritual: God will judge you. Prov 5:21; 6:27-29; 7:22-23, 26-27; 5:21; Deut 22:22;
Lev 20:10; Rom 6:23; Heb 13:4; 4:13; Job 31:4; 1 Cor 6:9-10
7. Lady wisdom trains you to stay far from sexual temptation. • Guard your heart. Prov 4:23; 7:3, 25; 6:25; Job 31:1ff; Matt 5:28; Exod 20:17; Gen 3:6
• Don’t take the first step towards sexual sin. Prov 5:8; Matt 5:28-29; 6:13; 1 Cor 15:33
224
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1 ~ 11
• Don’t trust yourself. 2 Tim 2:22; Gen 39:9; 1 Cor 10:12
8. Lady Wisdom offers you much greater satisfaction than Madam Folly. Isa 55:1-2 ; Prov 9:1-6;
1:20ff; John 4:13-14; 7:38
Discussion (1:13:26)
1. What is the name of the woman in Proverbs who can destroy you and how is she portrayed? Proverbs personifies the adultress as Madam Folly. She is portrayed as a huntress seeking after her prey. Chapter 5 is a key text for a description of the consequences of falling to her.
2. Who is one lady that may help save you and how can she do this? One lady that both Proverbs and Song of Solomon put forward is the companion God has given you. A spouse is a gift from God and believers can find such delight and satisfaction in marital love that immorality will not ensnare them. The Scriptures sanction and encourage intimacy between husband and wife both for their enjoyment and as a way to escape temptation.
3. How is Lady Wisdom a better protector than even a spouse? Answers may include: not everyone has a spouse, a spouse cannot meet your ultimate needs, some spouses are unhelpful, Lady Wisdom is available to everyone, etc.
4. What are some ways Lady Wisdom helps to protect you from sexual immorality? Answers may include: she helps you to see the true nature of Madam Folly, she teaches you why sexual immorality is wrong, she warns you of the deadly consequences of sexual sin, she trains you to flee temptation, she offers you ultimate satisfaction, etc.
225
12 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 1
Books Keller, Tim, The Meaning of Marriage.
Audios Maxham, Tom. “Coming Out of Homosexuality 1.” Maxham, Tom. “Coming Out of Homosexuality 2.” Newheiser, Jim. “The Pain of Porn.”
Supplemental Resources Alcorn, Randy. “Anticipated Consequences of Sexual Immorality.”
226
CDC 28
from Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality
Part 2
How Can You Make Your Sexual Relationship in Marriage All That it Should Be? The Gospel of Grace Is the Key to Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. A. First pursue intimacy in your relationship with God. 1 Thess 4:3-5; Prov 4:5-9, 23; 7:4; Gen 39:9; Prov 4:23; Ps 1
1. Find your greatest delight in Him. Isa 55:1-2
2. Continually renew your mind through God’s Word. Rom 12:1-2; Phil 4:8-9
3. Fill your heart with the gospel which should result in your reflecting God’s grace to your spouse. Eph 5:2; 4:32; 1 John 4:19
4. Don’t look to your spouse to meet needs that only the Lord can meet.
5. God uses marriage, including sex, as an instrument in your spiritual growth.
B. Build the intimacy of your marriage relationship. 1. Almost all sexual problems in marriage are merely symptoms of other issues.
2. Marriage is a lifelong covenant of commitment. Gen 2:18-25
227
2 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2
3. The husband is the loving initiator in all areas, sacrificially giving himself to his wife. Eph 5:25-33; 1 Pet 3:7; 1 John 4:19; Prov 31:28
4. The wife joyfully embraces her role as helper and submits to her husband’s leadership.
5. Strive for open communication: listening and speaking in love - lovers must first be friends.
6. Keep short accounts (confessing and forgiving sin), not letting the sun go down on your anger (lest you give the devil an opportunity). Eph 4:26-27, 31-32
7. Avoid temptations which could threaten your fidelity to one another. • God has given the marriage bed as a safeguard against temptation. 1 Cor 7:5; Prov 5:15-19;
Eph 5:22-24; 1 Pet 3:1-7; Prov 12:4
Song 5:16; Prov 17:17; Eph 4:29
Song 1:2
• Maintain strict propriety in relationship with members of the opposite sex - agree on expectations. 1 Tim 5:2
8. If you are having trouble, seek godly counsel from a wise, mature couple.
228
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2 ~ 3
Discussion (25:11)
1. What is the most important thing a person can do to improve his/her sexual relationship in marriage? The most important thing that a person can do is to pursue intimacy with God. As an individual finds their greatest delight in Him, continually renews their mind through His word, fills their heart with the gospel and looks to Him to meet their needs, they will be able to pursue intimacy with their spouse in a healthy way.
2. What is typically at the root of sexual problems in marriage? Relational problems are typically at the root of sexual problems: love, respect, submission, communication, unresolved conflict, etc. Because sex is an expression of marital intimacy it is a good indicator of whether or not things are going well in the marriage.
3. What are some things one can do to build relational intimacy in marriage? Answers may include: seek to fulfill their God-given role to the best of their ability, strive for open communication, keep short accounts, avoid temptation, seek godly counsel, etc.
C. Practice “grace sex” rather than “law/works sex”. 1. Law/works sex gives your spouse what you judge that they have earned - punishments and rewards.
2. Grace sex gives to your spouse freely, just as God has given to you - treating him/her better than he/she deserves.
3. In a great marriage each spouse is trying to outdo the other in grace, serving him/her so that he/she has the best deal going! Phil 2:3-4; Mark 10:42-45
229
4 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2
4. Deal graciously with the weaknesses of your spouse. Rom 15:1-3, 7
5. Apply 1 Cor 13:4-7 to your love life.
D. Think first of how to bring refreshment and satisfaction to your spouse, rather than seeking selfgratification. Phil 2:3-4; Prov 5:18-19; Deut 24:5; Eccl 9:9; Song 1:2, 13-16; 7:1-10; 4:1-7; 5:10-16; 7:6-9 1. God has given your sexuality primarily for his/her enjoyment. 1 Cor 7:3-5
2. Continue to kindle the romance in your marriage.
3. Watch out for the “little foxes” which can spoil your vineyard: busyness, exhaustion, laziness, sexual sabotage, a child-centered home. Song 2:15
4. Plan time together. Prov 21:5
5. Keep learning! 1 Pet 3:7
E. Understand the differences between male and female perspectives on sex. 1 Pet 3:7 1. Men tend to be more visual.
230
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2 ~ 5
2. Women tend to focus more on the relationship.
3. God has made men to initiate love and women to respond.
4. One of the greatest needs of a wife is to be a delight to her husband in every way.
5. Men tend to be very sensitive about feeling rejected.
6. Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots.
7. Women are more complex sexually and are more easily put off.
8. Understand your spouse’s sensitivity to certain issues: privacy, noise, hygiene, sleep, words, body insecurity, etc. Eph 5:3-4
231
6 ~ From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2
Discussion (58:11) 1. What is the difference between “grace sex” and “law/works sex”?
Grace sex is giving to your spouse freely as God has given to you. It is applying the gospel to your love-life. Because God has given to you better than you deserve you can give to your spouse accordingly. Law sex is giving to the other person only what you think they have earned. This comes from forgetting to apply the gospel in this area.
2. What should be a husband or wife’s objective for their sexual relationship? Both husband and wife should have the objective of pleasing their spouse, not themselves. They should seek their own pleasure in the pleasure of their spouse. They ought to seek what they can give to one another, rather than what they can receive.
3. What are some of the “little foxes” that can creep in and sabotage marital intimacy? Answers may include: busyness, exhaustion, laziness, a child-centered home, etc.
232
From Idol to Blessing: How Grace Transforms our Sexuality Part 2 ~ 7
Books Alcorn, Randy, The Purity Principle. Dillow, Linda, Intimacy Ignited. Dillow, L., Pintus, L., Intimate Issues. Harris, Joshua, Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is). Harvey, Dave, When Sinners Say I Do. Keller, Tim, The Meaning of Marriage. Mahaney, C.J., Sex, Romance and the Glory of God. Piper, J., Taylor, J., Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Priolo, Lou, The Complete Husband. Wheat, Ed, MD., Intended for Pleasure.
Audios Newheiser, Jim. “From Idol to Blessing.”
Supplemental Resources Newheiser, Jim. “From Idol to Blessing Questions.”
233
234
CDC 29
Counseling in Cases of Separation, Divorce and remarriage Introduction
God Designed Marriage to Be a Lifelong Covenant of Companionship Gen 2:24; Matt 19:3ff
A. God joins a husband and wife in marriage. Matt 19:3-6; Gen 2:24 1. A sinfully begun marriage is still a marriage.
2. A marriage of unbelievers or a civil marriage is still a true marriage.
B. What God has joined, let no man separate. 1. Those who are married should guard their own marriages.
2. Those who fail to respect the marriages of others are also under God’s judgment. Heb 13:4
3. Marriage is worth fighting for.
4. Some are called by God to remain in hard marriages. 1 Pet 3:1-2; 1 Cor 7:12-14; 1 Sam 25:1ff
235
2 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
5. Many people give up way too easily, forgetting their vows – “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until God by death shall separate us.”
6. People make unbiblical excuses. • I wasn’t a Christian when I married him/her.
• My spouse is an unbeliever. 1 Cor 7:12-13
• We weren’t married in a church.
• I’m doing it for my kids. 1 Cor 7:1
• My spouse is a huge disappointment.
• We were too young when we were married.
• I have been living for others too long. I need my freedom to express myself.
• I married the wrong person.
236
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 3
• I would have never married this person if I knew what I was getting into.
• We have irreconcilable differences. 1 Cor 10:13
• We are no longer in love.
• I owe it to myself to be happy. God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.
• All of my friends say that I ought to leave him/her.
• God will forgive me. 1 John 2:3-4
7. Bad marriages can be transformed by God’s grace. 2 Cor 5:17ff
C. Ordinarily a marriage ends with the death of one spouse. Rom 7:2-3; 1 Cor 7:39; 1 Tim 5:14
D. God’s ideal is not merely that couples remain married, but that they find great joy as they fulfill their roles in marriage by serving one another. Eph 5:22ff; Prov 5:18ff
237
4 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
E. Marriage is a picture of God’s relationship to His people. Eph. 5:22ff Ezek 16
Discussion (13:33) 1. What is God’s intended design in marriage?
God created marriage to be a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman. His ideal is that they find mutual blessing as they fulfill their roles and serve one another. As they do this they are picturing God’s relationship to His people.
2. Does God promise happiness in marriage? While God’s intention for marriage is that it be a great blessing, because we live in a fallen world not all people will experience this. Some people will be called by God to endure difficult marriages and glorify him in doing so.
3. Is there hope for those who are enduring difficult marriages? There are two real sources of hope for those enduring difficult marriages. First, though they may not be able to expect fulfilment in marriage, God is enough to be their complete and sufficient source of joy. Secondly, God can and often does redeem difficult marriages as His Spirit works in the lives of His children.
Divorce Is Permitted Under Certain Circumstances A. God hates divorce. Mal 2:14-16 1. Every divorce is due to human sin. Deut 24:1-4; Matt 19:8
2. Not all parties are equally guilty.
238
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 5
3. Divorce brings many consequences and much misery.
B. The nature of divorce. 1. The essence of divorce is the termination of marital obligations along with eligibility to remarry. Deut 24:1-4; Matt 19:9; 5:32
2. Divorce (and remarriage) without biblical grounds is sinful and adulterous. Matt 19:9; 5:32
3. Someone who is divorced is truly divorced, even if the grounds were not biblical. They are not still married in God’s eyes. Matt 5:32; 19:9
4. Someone who has sinfully divorced his ex-spouse is not eligible/free to remarry. He/she should pursue reconciliation or remain unmarried. 1 Cor 7:10-11; Matt 19:9
5. Someone who has been sinfully remarried is really married. Matt 19:9; Mark 10:11
6. Divorce can provide protection for the innocent party.
C. God permits divorce in cases of marital unfaithfulness. Matt 19:9; 5:32; Mark 10:11-12 1. The act of adultery is a severe breach of the marriage covenant and is grounds for divorce.
239
6 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
2. God Himself divorced Israel and Judah on the grounds of their unfaithfulness. Jer 3:8ff; Isa 50:1; Hosea 1:9
3. Sexual sin during engagement is treated as adulterous. Deut 22:23-24; Matt 1:19
4. Other heinous sexual sins (porneia) can also be grounds for divorce.
5. The innocent party does not have to divorce. He/she is free to forgive, which is often the best outcome. Eph 4:32; Hosea 2-3
6. The lawfully divorced person is free to remarry.
7. These principles apply equally to both men and to women. Mark 10:11-12
8. Under the Old Covenant adultery resulted in the death penalty, which would have ended the marriage and freed the innocent spouse to remarry. Deut 22:22; Lev 20:10
9. If, after an unbiblical divorce, one’s ex-spouse remarries, reconciliation becomes impossible and remarriage would then be allowed.
D. God permits divorce when an unbelieving spouse abandons the marriage. 1 Cor 7:12-16 1. If the unbeliever is willing to stay, the believer should remain in the marriage and do everything within his/her power to make the marriage work.
240
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 7
• This is a shift from the Old Covenant in which those who intermarried with those outside Israel were forced to divorce their spouses. Ezra 10:10-11,18ff
• It is assumed that the believing spouse was converted after the marriage, since it is forbidden for a believer to marry an unbeliever. 1 Cor 7:39
• The believing spouse should not attempt to drive the unbeliever away.
2. If the unbeliever abandons the marriage, the believer is free from obligation to that marriage and free to remarry.
3. If a couple has been wrongly divorced and one spouse seeks reconciliation but is refused by the other spouse, the spouse who sought reconciliation may consider himself/herself abandoned.
E. What does the Bible teach about separation? 1. The concept of a legal separation, short of divorce, is not taught in the Bible.
2. Temporary physical separation may be necessary for safety or legal reasons.
3. Legal separation may be used for financial protection.
4. The innocent spouse may choose to file for legal separation while waiting to see if the guilty will repent.
241
8 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
Discussion (33:58) 1. What is God’s view of divorce?
The Bible says that the Lord hates divorce. Every divorce is a failure to achieve God’s ideal and is ultimately a result of human sin. Furthermore, God calls those who divorce and remarry, without biblical grounds, adulterers.
2. What are the options for those who have left their marriage without Biblical grounds? The Bible says that there are two options in these scenarios: be reconciled or remain unmarried. Those who choose to marry another person are committing adultery.
3. Is divorce ever permitted? The Bible does allow for divorce in certain cases. The two biblical grounds for divorce are sexual immorality and abandonment by an unbeliever. Just as it is harmful to permit divorce where God forbids it, it is also harmful to forbid divorce in the cases where God permits it. It is important to note that in these cases the innocent party is free to divorce, but not commanded to. They are also free to forgive and reconcile.
Hard Questions A. Where should the line be drawn in terms of what sexual sins (porneia) constitute biblical grounds for divorce? Matt 5:27-28 1. Sexual sins with other people?
2. Pornography and masturbation?
3. Affairs of the heart?
242
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 9
4. Sexual sin before or during engagement? Deut 22:23-24; Matt 1:19
5. Wisdom, discretion and grace must be exercised in such cases.
6. Counsel should be sought from those who have spiritual oversight. Heb 13:17
7. Where sexual sin has taken place, the marriage covenant has been breached and the innocent party has a right to know and (hopefully) to forgive.
B. What level of proof is required to establish that sexual sin has taken place? Deut 19:15 1. Trust is a huge issue in cases of adultery – usually there are many lies. Eph 4:25
2. We must assume innocence unless guilt is established. Deut 19:15; 1 Cor 13:7
3. Trust God to bring the truth to light. Num 23:23
C. When should sexual sin be forgiven? Matt 18:21ff 1. The innocent spouse may have the opportunity to restore the marriage through showing Christlike forgiveness to the guilty spouse. Matt 18:21ff; Eph 4:32
2. How can you know if the guilty party is repentant? 2 Cor 7:10-11
243
10 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
3. No-one can know with certainty that a person is inwardly repentant and that he or she never be unfaithful again, which means we must trust God. Jer 17:5-8
4. It may be wise to have a waiting period to test whether repentance is genuine.
5. Sin which has been fully forgiven can no longer be used as a ground for adultery. Eph 4:32;
Jer 31:34
6. Must the innocent spouse forgive and take the guilty back? Matt 18:21ff; 19:9
7. Is there any sense in which forgiveness can be granted while still going ahead with a divorce? Num 14:19ff; 2 Sam 12:13-14
D. Exactly what constitutes abandonment? 1. Can someone abandon the marriage without filing for divorce?
2. Can someone abandon the marriage without physically moving out?
3. Is the refusal to fulfil basic marital duties abandonment? Exod 21:10; 1 Tim 5:8; 1 Cor 7:3-5;
Eph 5:29
244
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 11
4. If one is unable to fulfill marital duties, then he/she is not guilty of willfully abandoning the marriage.
5. What if the wife is unsubmissive and/or the husband is a poor spiritual leader?
6. Can abuse constitute abandonment? 1 Cor 7:15
7. Asking a direct question to the unbelieving spouse may help to clarify the situation: “Are you committed to this marriage?”
8. Beware. Stretching the meaning of abandonment can lead to a slippery slope which could justify many unbiblical divorces.
E. What if a professing believer abandons the marriage? 1. Through the process of church discipline he will either recommit to the marriage or he will be removed from the church, which means he can be treated as an unbeliever. 1 Cor 5:1ff;
Matt 18:15ff
2. Churches which fail to shepherd their sheep and practice church discipline make bad situations worse. Heb 13:17
F. When one has biblical grounds for divorce, how long should he/she wait to see if the other person repents?
245
12 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
G. What if someone who has been unbiblically divorced remarries? Should she/he divorce his/her new spouse and go back to the first spouse? 1 Cor 7:26-27; Deut 24:1ff 1. He is really divorced and really remarried.
2. Confess your past sin to God and those affected. Then seek to honor Him in your present marriage.
3. God can still bless a marriage with a sinful beginning. 2 Sam 12:24-25
H. What situation is Paul envisioning in 1 Cor 7:10-11 when he seems to allow a woman to abandon her marriage on unbiblical grounds with limited consequences? 1. Why doesn’t Paul just tell her to go back to her husband if their divorce is not for biblical grounds (or else there would be church discipline 1 Cor 5:1ff)?
2. Can this be a situation in which her grounds are questionable, but not certain?
3. Church leaders may face rare situations in which they are not convinced that there are biblical grounds for divorce, but they aren’t fully convinced that there aren’t biblical grounds. In this case they would advise against divorce or separation, but would not have sufficient grounds to exercise church discipline.
I. If a believer has been divorced from an unbelieving spouse, should or can he/she remarry her/him? 1 Cor 7:10-11, 27, 39; Matt 19:6
246
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 13
J. What role does the government have in regulating marriage and divorce? 1. Nothing in the Bible instructs or authorizes the government to regulate marriage.
2. Should governments legally prevent divorce? • Under the Old Covenant divorce was forbidden under two exceptional circumstances.
• Nothing in the Bible says that people should be legally prevented from getting a divorce, even a sinful divorce. Matt 19:8; 1 Cor 7:15; Deut 24:1ff
3. Nor does Scripture require a waiting period before divorce.
4. Tragically, the government may need to get involved in cases of divorce to settle issues of child support, custody, etc.
5. Should Christians create their own marriage contracts?
6. What should be done in countries in which divorce is illegal?
7. Can a couple ever consider themselves married if they are not legally married?
Deut 22:19, 29
247
14 ~ Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage
K. Does the prohibition of remarrying one’s former spouse after his/her remarriage and divorce (or the death of the second spouse) apply under the New Covenant? Deut 24:1ff
Conclusion A. Though we were unfaithful, God has been gracious to us. 1 Cor 6:9-11
Discussion (55:22)
1. What kinds of things should counselors keep in mind when dealing with hard questions where biblical grounds for divorce may not be clear cut? Answers may include: exercise wisdom and discretion, be humble and cautious, seek counsel from the church, assume innocence unless guilt is established, the innocent spouse has the freedom to divorce or to forgive and reconcile, etc.
248
Counseling in Cases of Separation Divorce, and Remarriage~ 15
Books Adams, Jay, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible. MacArthur, John, The Divorce Dilemma. Murray, John, Divorce. Priolo, Lou, Divorce – Before You Say “I Don’t”.
Audios Mack, Wayne. “Rebuilding a Marriage after an Affair.” Parts 1 & 2
Supplemental Resources Mack, Wayne. “Rebuilding a Marriage after an Affair.”
249
250
CDC 30
The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Biblical Vs. Materialist View of Human Nature A. Biblical View - Duplex Beings: Inner and Outer Person 1. The Bible refers to the inner person as the heart, soul, mind, or spirit. • The inner person is the source of our thoughts, feelings, and choices. • God interacts with our inner person. 2. The outer person is the part of us that others can see. • Our speech and behavior are our body’s reflection of our inner life (Luke 6:45). o Facial expression, tone of voice, words, actions. • Body responds to activity of inner person with physical changes. o Angry feelings may produce a flushed face. o Anxious thoughts may result in elevated blood pressure. • Body can influence thoughts, feelings, choices.
B. Materialist View 1. The material world is all that exists. There is no unseen world. There is no inner person 2. The brain, an organ of the physical body, is the source of thoughts, feelings, and choices. 3. Thoughts, feelings, and choices are determined solely by the brain’s balance of chemicals. 4, The Bible clearly teaches that our invisible inner person (not our brain) is the source of our thoughts and intentions (Heb 4:12), our emotions (Rom 9:2), and our choices (Matt15:18).
251
2 ~ The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling
C. Summary 1. The Bible teaches a duplex view of human nature. 2. Our inner and outer persons interact, and each can influence the other profoundly. 3. Measurable changes occur in our brain as we think, choose, or feel. But these changes originate in the inner person and are mediated by the brain, an organ of the outer person.
252
The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling ~ 3
Discussion (20:58)
1. What is a biblical view of human nature? The Bible teaches a duplex view of human nature consisting of an inner and outer person. The inner person interacts with God and the outer person interacts with others.
2. What are some ways the inner and outer person can affect one another? Answers may include: anger causing a flushed face, rapid heartbeat producing feelings of anxiety, severe illness and pain contributing to depression, etc.
3. How does a materialistic view of human nature contrast with a biblical view? A materialistic view of human nature says that the brain, which is an organ belonging to our outer person, is the source of our thoughts, feelings and choices. Because of this they would say that the root of all these things is chemical. The Bible teaches that our invisible inner person is the source of these things. The root is what’s going on in the heart.
Is Emotional Pain a Disease? A. What Is Pain? 1. Pain is designed by God to function as a warning signal. 2. Physical pain tells us that something is wrong with our bodies.
3. Emotional pain tells us that there is a problem in our inner person (“heart”).
B. Is Physical Pain a Disease? 1. Physical pain is a sign that something is wrong with our bodies. 2. Medicine for physical pain does not cure the problem that is producing the pain; it helps us feel better. 3. If the doctor doesn’t treat the root cause of the pain, we will continue to need medicine to relieve the pain. 4. Pain medicine only covers up the sign that something is wrong. It doesn’t treat the underlying disease.
253
4 ~ The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling
C. Why Do We Have Emotions? 1. Our emotions enable us to know the condition of our inner person, in the same way that physical sensations enable us to know the condition of our outer person. • When I touch a hot stove, I know right away that I have injured my hand. • When I make a choice that is contrary to the Bible’s teachings, my conscience tells me right away that I am doing the wrong thing. D. “Heart Trouble” 1. Emotional distress may be a sign that the things I habitually think about or choose are not consistent with the Bible’s standards. E. Listening to Our Emotions 1. We should not expect our feelings to show us what God wants us to do. God has given us His Word for this purpose. 2. We should expect that our feelings may be troubling if we have misplaced priorities or are disobedient to God’s Word. 3. When we have “heart trouble,” this is a sign that we need to prayerfully compare our lives to the Bible’s standard and seek to correct whatever is out of balance.
254
The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling ~ 5
F. Emotional Pain is Not Always A Sign of “Heart Trouble.” 1. The Inner and Outer Persons affect each other. • Our inner person can affect our physical health. o Example: chronic anxiety can lead to high blood pressure. • Our physical health can impact our inner person. o Example: an untreated rapid heartbeat can produce anxiety. 2. Generally speaking, emotional pain very often is a sign of “Heart Trouble.” G. Is Emotional Pain a Disease? 1. Emotional pain is a warning signal that tells us when something is wrong with our hearts. 2. Medicine for emotional pain does not solve the problem that is producing the pain; it masks the pain. 3, If we don’t address the root cause of the pain, we will continue to need medicine to feel better. H. What About Brain Diseases? 1. The brain, an organ of the physical body, can itself develop diseases. • Example: Alzheimer’s disease causes physical changes in brain cells, resulting in their death. 2. Is emotional pain a brain disease? • Troubling emotions are not, in themselves, brain diseases o Although sometimes they can be signs of a brain disease like Alzheimer’s.
255
6 ~ The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling
Did Christ Have to Die? Biblical Implications of the Disease Model If our thoughts and choices are determined solely by the activity of our brains rather than by our inner person, then when we do wrong it must not be our fault. A disease must be to blame.
256
The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling ~ 7
Discussion (37:33)
1. How can pain be helfpul? Pain is designed by God to function as a warning signal. Physical pain tells us that something is wrong with our bodies just as emotional pain can tell us that there is a problem with our inner person.
2. What things should we consider when seeking to listen to our emotions? Our emotions may be a sign that we have “heart trouble.” We may be troubled because of misplaced priorities or disobedience to God’s word. This is a sign that we need to seek the Lord in repentance. We should not, however, expect our feelings to tell us what God wants us to do. He has given us His word for that purpose.
3. Is emotional pain always a sign of heart trouble? Emotional pain very often is a sign of heart trouble, but not always. Just as the inner person can affect the outer person, there can be times when things going on in the outer person are causing emotional pain. Counselors need to be aware of this and help counselees to think about and evaluate their pain to determine its cause.
4. What are some helpful things for Biblical Counselors to keep in mind when it comes to the use of medication? Answers may include: medication may make you feel better but it does not address the root issues, taking medication is an issue of Christian liberty, the effectiveness of medicine for emotional pain is inconclusive, a dichotomy does not have to be created between using medicine or trusting Jesus, etc.
5. What are some of the implications of the “disease model”? Answers may include: unhealthy emotions stem from chemical imbalances rather than choices, man is not responsible, man is not guilty before God, ultimately there is no need for the cross of Christ, etc.
257
8 ~ The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling
Can Medicine Help? A. First, The Bad News 1. Medicines, alcohol, and street drugs make us feel better by masking emotional pain. 2. All of these substances can also produce dependency. 3, Medicines that make us feel better may lose their effectiveness over time. 4. Medicines may also produce side effects that may be mistaken for new problems, resulting in new medicines being added. 5. Medicines prescribed for psychosis can clear confused thoughts in the truly sick, but can act as a “chemical straitjacket”, damping normal responses in those who don’t truly need them. 6. Violent and suicidal thoughts and actions may result from antidepressant treatment. B. Do Psychiatric Medicines Cure a Chemical Imbalance? 1. There is no scientific evidence showing that disturbed emotions are caused by a specific imbalance of chemicals in the brain. 2. There is evidence that psychiatric medicines improve feelings by increasing levels of certain chemicals. Scientists still don’t know why this happens. C. Factors Complicating Biblical Counseling 1. Some have physical conditions that may interfere with their ability to understand or apply biblical truth. • Examples: brain conditions like retardation, Alzheimer’s, or schizophrenia. 2. Difficulty understanding biblical truth. 3. Not saved. 4. Suicidal/homicidal. 5. Severely emotionally overwhelmed. D. What Can We Expect From Medicine? 1. Suppress hallucinations and delusions. • This can lead to clearer thinking in those with brain disorders like Alzheimer’s or schizophrenia. • Clearer thinking enables a person with brain disease to monitor his thoughts and choices in a way that is consistent with the standards of God’s Word, resulting in a self-controlled and godly life.
258
The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling ~ 9
2. Decrease anxiety and depression. • There are real physical changes that are induced in the brain as a result of taking psychiatric medicines. We can expect the medicines to produce these effects. • But will these effects really solve our problems?
E. A Medicine Can’t 1. Teach us to choose to think thoughts leading to peace and happiness instead of thoughts leading to anxiety or depression. 2. Show us how to make lifestyle choices that will result in greater stability. 3. Train us to respond to our physical limitations with attitudes that build us up instead of tearing us down. F. Summary 1. Medicine may be needed to control a few serious brain conditions, solve a crisis situation, or help a “stuck” counselee begin to move forward. 2. However, even those who take these medicines can learn better self control and habits of thought that will lead to greater emotional stability through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. 3. Only biblical change offers true, permanent hope for those who suffer with emotional pain.
259
10 ~ The Medicine-Only Approach to Counseling
Discussion (50:54)
1. What are some of the risks and limitations of taking medication? Answers may include: risk of dependency, loss of effectiveness over time, serious side-effects, can’t teach godliness, etc.
2. What are some situations in which medicine may play a role in helping a counselee? Answers may include: physical conditions like retardation or Alzheimer’s, unsaved, suicidal, severely emotionally overwhelmed, etc.
3. Can biblical counselors counsel people who are taking medication? Whether or not a counselee chooses to take medication, a biblical counselor can seek to teach them to deal with their painful emotions in a godly way. In the long run this may lead to a counselee deciding they no longer have need for their medications, but offering counseling should not be contingent on that.
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Hendrickson, L., Will Medicine Stop the Pain? Fitzpatrick, E., Newheiser, J., Hendrickson, L., When Good Kids Make Bad Choices.
260
CDC 31
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling Dr. Laura Hendrickson
What Medicines Are Given for Emotional Pain? A. Drugs That Improve Feelings 1. All the medicines that we will discuss in this group improve feelings without changing the counselee’s basic response to his/her circumstances. 2. Therefore, these medicines produce a mood that doesn’t match the counselee’s real-life situation. 3. This group includes drugs that induce relaxation and antidepressants. 4. Drugs that induce relaxation. • Medicine for serious pain. o Oxycontin, Percocet, Vicodin. o Often given to those who have emotional pain. Painful feelings - Because pain and depression co-occur. are meant to moti - Because pain feels worse when depressed. vate us to change. o Pain medicines work by decreasing awareness of pain in the brain. When medicine o This produces relaxation as a side effect. masks painful feel o It can also produce confusion, which can trigger or ings, there is no worsen depression and anxiety. motivation to learn o The relaxing effect of pain medicine is very pleasant to deal with them and some find it very difficult to resist. in a more godly o So addiction can result. way. And when o The heart is deceitful ( Jeremiah 17:9). the medicine is o Help your counselees take pain medicines for the discontinued, the shortest possible time. • Alcohol and street drugs. painful feelings will o Act in similar manner to pain meds. return. o Produce less pain relief and more relaxation. o Even more addiction danger. o Can produce confusion, anxiety, depression.
261
2 ~ Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling
• Tranquilizers. o They were developed by drug companies to produce relaxation without the “high” feeling that pain meds, alcohol, and street drugs produce. o Were first believed not to be addictive, but in time it was found that they are very habit-forming. - These include Valium, Xanax, Ativan. o There are new sleeping pills that are supposed to not be habit-forming. But be suspicious until time proves this claim. - These include Lunesta, Ambien, and Sonata. 5. Antidepressants. • Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and Norepinephrine-Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (NSRIs). o These medicines are prescribed to counselees with anxiety and/or depression. o Also were believed not to be habit forming at first, but we now know that they are. o These include Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Celexa, Cymbalta and a host of others. • Alter chemicals in the brain to relieve the feeling of depression or anxiety. • They change feelings, but do not change the circumstances that provoked the feelings, or the counselee’s responses to life stresses that may predispose to depression. • This allows a counselee to ignore circumstances or responses that may need to change. • Deadening the pain without changing the situation and responses does not solve the counselee’s problem. B. Drugs That Clear Confused Thinking 1. Antipsychotic medicines. • Risperdal, Zyprexa, Abilify. 2. What is Psychosis? • Psychosis is diagnosed when a person sees or hears things that aren’t real, and believes “crazy” things. • Psychotic symptoms can be faked. • But psychotic symptoms are generally symptoms of a real disease of the brain (NOT a “chemical imbalance”). • This means that there is something physically wrong with the psychotic person’s brain. 3. Diseases that may present with psychotic symptoms. • Schizophrenia and true bipolar disorder.
262
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling ~ 3
o True bipolar disorder is an excited psychotic state. A person with mood swings without psychosis does NOT have true bipolar disorder. • Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias. • Traumatic Brain Injury. • And a host of medical conditions and medicines that change the brain’s health temporarily so that hallucinations occur. Doctors call this delirium. o For example, high fever. 4. Effects of antipsychotic drugs. • These medicines are given to people with psychosis, and also to those with uncontrolled behavior, to restrain them. o Because antipsychotics restrain behavior and emotions, they have been nicknamed “chemical straitjackets.” • Interestingly, although these drugs clear the thinking of people with psychosis, they can cloud the thinking of those who are not psychotic. o This may relax a nonpsychotic person, making him feel better, but at the cost of blunting emotions. 5. Mood stabilizing medicines. • Lithium, anti-epilepsy drugs. • For psychosis with unstable emotions. • Often used today for those with mood swings. • These drugs calm those who have psychosis with unstable. emotions, restoring normal eating and sleeping pattern, and decreasing excitation. • This can be literally lifesaving in a true manic psychosis. • Mood stabilizing drugs can have serious negative effects upon those who do not have a true manic psychosis. Antipsychotic medicines can be literally lifesaving in cases of true psychosis, but they can have serious negative effects in those who are not psychotic.
263
4 ~ Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling
Discussion (23:40)
1. What different classes of medicine are given for emotional pain? Answers may include: drugs that improve feelings, drugs that induce relaxation, drugs that clear confused thinking, etc.
2. What is a major risk associated with taking medicine for emotional pain? Painful feelings are meant to motivate us to change. When medicine masks painful feelings, there is no motivation to learn to deal with them in a more godly way. And when the medicine is discontinued, the painful feelings will return.
3. What is psychosis? Psychosis is a state in which a person hears things that aren’t real or believes things that are “crazy”. Psychotic symptoms can be faked, but generally are a result of something physically wrong with the brain.
Understanding Drug Dependence and Withdrawal A. Dependence -(aka “addiction”) a physical state which occurs when a person’s body has become accustomed to receiving a medicine that has habit-forming potential. 1. One who is dependent upon a medicine will require increasing doses of the medicine to produce the same effect. B. Withdrawal- the unpleasant physical reaction that occurs when a person abruptly stops taking a medicine after their body has become accustomed to receiving it. C. How Dependence Develops 1. When the environment around any body cells changes, the body will attempt to compensate for the change. 2. Medicine that slows the heart beat will cause the heart to compensate by pumping more blood with each beat.
264
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling ~ 5
3. Medicine that changes the chemical environment of the brain will cause the brain to decrease production of its own chemicals, grow new connections between brain cells, or even cause other connections to die back. 4. Over time, the changed environment becomes the “new norm” for the body.
D. Helping a Counselee Stop Taking Meds 1. It is essential to understand that your counselee very likely will develop withdrawal symptoms if he stops medicines abruptly. 2. Medicines often need to be withdrawn very slowly, especially for counselees who are anxious. 3. Recommend The Antidepressant Solution by Joseph Glenmullen, MD (New York: Free Press, 2005) to counselees who want to go off their meds. 4. Advise your counselees to withdraw from their meds under a doctor’s supervision Drug companies like to refer to withdrawal as “discontinuation syndrome” when it occurs on a psychiatric medicine. They prefer the term “habituation” to dependence. But physiologically, this is the same process whether it occurs on heroin or an antidepressant. Generally speaking, the symptoms that occur in withdrawal will be the same symptoms that prompted taking the drug in the first place. This is why many of your counselees may believe that their depression is a disease--because their symptoms recur when they stop their meds.
Understanding “Poop-Out” and “Therapeutic Tail Chasing” A. Poop-Out 1. Refers to the loss of effectiveness that occurs over time for most who take antidepressants. 2. This phenomenon occurs because they have become dependent upon their medicine. 3. Results in needing more medicine to produce the same effect. 4. Also results in second (and third) antidepressants being added over time. 5. Side effects increase as dosage and number of medicines increase because of poop-out.
265
6 ~ Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling
B. Tail Chasing 1. Occurs when side effects from medicine, or poop-out, produce new symptoms. 2. A second diagnosis may be given to explain the apparent setback. 3. Typically, new medicines (with their own side effects!) are added. 4. It is not unusual for those who have been under psychiatric treatment for several years to have several diagnoses and to be taking a number of medicines for what might have started as a simple problem.
When people take so much cocaine that they have manic-like reactions and end up in an emergency room, they are diagnosed with cocaine toxicity. When people have manic-like reactions to steroids, they are
C. Unmasking “Underlying Bipolar Disorder” 1. Manic-like reactions are common side effects of antidepressant treatment. 2. Those who develop mood swings on antidepressants are commonly diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type II (mood swings without psychosis) and placed on mood stabilizing agents. 3. When this occurs, the patient is told that the antidepressant “unmasked” their “underlying disease” of bipolar disorder.
diagnosed with steroid toxicity. Yet when people have the same types of reactions to antidepressants, they are diagnosed with so-called ‘underlying bipolar disorder’. -Joseph Glenmullen, MD
D. Which Psychotropic Drugs Can Produce Dependence? 1. Stimulants (like Ritalin, cocaine, and methamphetamine). 2. Antidepressants (which are chemically related to stimulants). 3. Tranquilizers and sleeping pills. (Remember not to assume that the drug companies are correct about the new type of sleeping pill not causing dependence. Only time will tell.)
Understanding Antidepressant-Related Violence and Suicide A. Serious Danger - FDA Black Box Warning 1. The FDA added warnings to antidepressant labeling regarding children in 2004. 2. An FDA advisory panel recommended that the same warnings be added for adults under age 30 in December, 2006.
266
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling ~ 7
3. There have been numerous clinical reports of increased aggression and suicide in adults as well as children on antidepressants over the years.
B. Probably Linked to Side-Effects of: 1. Insomnia. 2. Anxiety and panic attacks. 3. Akathisia. 4. Mania. 5. Irritability. 6. Paranoia and psychosis.
Those experiencing these highly unpleasant symptoms, if they don’t know they are caused by their medicines, often conclude that they are going insane. The accompanying impulsivity greatly increases the risk that the sufferer will take action on the feeling by becoming violent to themselves or others. -Anthony Healy MD
Side Effects of Psychotropic Drugs A. Tranquilizers and Sleeping Pills 1. High addictive potential. 2. Can cause the same kind of liver disease that heavy drinking produces at high enough doses. 3. Commonly produce mental confusion and drowsiness. 4. Paradoxically, the mental confusion can result in increased ANXIETY. 5. Memory problems, slow reaction time like alcohol produces, DEPRESSION. 6. Weakness, dizziness, problems with coordination, unsteadiness with increased likelihood of falls and injuries. B. Stimulants and Antidepressants 1. Dependence and withdrawal. 2. ANXIETY and panic attacks. 3. Seizures. 4. MANIA. 5. PSYCHOSIS. 6. Tics (including Tourette Syndrome). 7. Nervousness, insomnia, irritability, aggression.
267
8 ~ Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling
C. Stimulants 1. Stunt growth of children. 2. Increased heart rate. 3. Increased blood pressure. 4. Heart and liver failure. 5. Sudden death from heart arrhythmia or stroke. D. Antidepressants 1. Extrapyramidal symptoms. 2. Akathisia (agonizing inner restlessness). 3. Dyskinesia (involuntary body movements). 4. Dystonia (involuntary muscle spasms). 5. Drug-induced Parkinson’s disease. 6. Tardive Dyskinesia (potentially permanent abnormal body movements). 7. Poor appetite at beginning of treatment, followed by weight gain of 20 pounds or more. 8. Loss of sexual drive is very common. 9. BIRTH DEFECTS in children born to mothers on antidepressants. 10. WITHDRAWAL in newborns of mothers on antidepressants (this means that they are born dependent upon the medicine. E. Antipsychotics 1. There are two groups of antipsychotic drugs, the older ones (like Haldol) which are rarely used anymore, and the new ones (like Zyprexa). 2. The older medicines had a very high rate of EPS and Tardive Dyskinesia (the movement disorders just described). 3. The newer medicines are much less likely to cause these side effects. 4. Uncontrolled and potentially massive weight gain over time. 5. Increased risk of diabetes and heart disease. 6. Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (a potentially life-threatening complication). 7. Seizures. 8. Low blood pressure, fainting, sleepiness. 9. Liver damage. 10. Changes to the menstrual cycle. 11. Potentially dangerous inability to tolerate hot weather.
268
Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling ~ 9
F. Mood-Stabilizers 1. Two types: Lithium and Anticonvulsants. 2. Lithium side effects. • EPS. • Shaking, confusion, mental slowing, memory problems. • Kidney failure. • Heart trouble. • Liver disease. • Hair loss, weight gain, acne. • Life-threatening lithium toxicity. 3. Anticonvulsants are medicines used to treat epilepsy.
• Life threatening liver disease and pancreatitis. • Low blood platelet levels. • Tegretol can cause bone marrow depression. • Lamictal is linked to 2 potentially fatal diseases. • Depakote can produce birth defects. • Nausea, sleepiness, dizziness, weakness.
269
10 ~ Psychotropic Drugs and Biblical Counseling
Discussion (48:42) 1. What if a counselee wants to stop taking their medication?
Counselors should urge their counselees to consult their doctors if they want to discontinue use of medications. The effects of withdrawal are almost inevitable and should be monitored by a physician.
2. Describe the process of “poop-out” and “therapeutic tail-chasing.” This process refers to the loss of effectiveness of a medication over time which occurs due to dependence. The result is a need for increased dosage or additional antidepressants being prescribed. This also increases side-effects.
3. What are some of the side-effects of antidepressants that may contribute to violence or suicide? Answers may include: insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks, akathisia, mania, irritability, paranoia and psychosis.
4. How can learning about the side-effects of these medications help us? Understanding the side-effects can help people to realistically weigh the risks and benefits of using medication.
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Newheiser, J., Hendrickson, L., When Good Kids Make Bad Choices. Glenmullen, Joseph, MD., The Antidepressant Solution. Glenmullen, Joseph, MD., Prozac Backlash. Healy, Anthony, MD., Let Them Eat Prozac.
270
CDC 32
Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Features of Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders A. Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders 1. Cognitive - ability to think clearly. 2. Perceptual - ability to perceive correctly. 3. Due to physical disease of the brain. • Not due to a purported “chemical imbalance.” • Due to a steadily progressive deteriorative process in the brain, which as yet has no cure. B. Dementia (Alzheimer’s Disease and others like it) 1. Severe memory loss and loss of ability to learn new things. 2. Hallucinations and delusions. 3. Disordered executive function. • Loss of ability to plan, set goals, anticipate problems, make use of information, initiate action, manage time. 4. Behavior problems. •Poor impulse control. • Emotional instability. 5. Total personality change is often seen in Dementia. C. All C-P Disorders Have Features in Common With Dementia 1. Prominent features of C-P disorders. •Poor executive function, memory, insight, judgment, self-control—due to frontal lobe involvement . 2. Types of C-P disorders include: •Head injury. •Frontal lobe stroke. •Dementia. •Schizophrenia. •Autism.
271
2 ~ Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders
3. Other cognitive features. • Paralysis and lack of speech (or loss of previous ability to speak.) o Stroke, brain injury, dementia. • Loss of prior knowledge and/or abilities. o Stroke, brain injury, dementia, schizophrenia. • Mental retardation. o May be associated with autism (others may have high IQ.) • Cerebral palsy and movement disorders. o Schizophrenia, stroke, autism, brain injury, dementia. 4. Perceptual symptoms. • Hallucinations. o Schizophrenia, Dementia. o Also often seen in early stages of brain injury and stroke. o People with autism do not have hallucinations. • Delusions. o More characteristic of chronic schizophrenia and dementia. o People with autism do not have delusions.
A Brief Summary of Biblical Anthropology A. We are Duplex Beings 1. The Inner Person. • Thinks, feels, makes choices. • The Bible calls it the heart, soul, mind or spirit. 2. The Outer Person. • The physical body. • Mediates the activities of the Inner Person.
It’s easy to understand how a diesease can harm memory... But how can a disease produce sinful behavior?
B. The Inner Person is Immaterial 1. Our inner person is reborn by the work of the Holy Spirit in us, and communes with God. 2. It is not physical and is not subject to diseases. 3. Jesus taught that the inner person is the source of our behavior. Matt 6:45 4. Sinful behavior is produced by a “heart problem.” It is not a disease.
272
Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders ~ 3
C. The Brain is an Organ of the Outer Person 1. The brain is the organ which mediates the activities of the inner person, but it is not itself the source of that activity. 2. Because the brain is an organ of the body, it is subject to diseases, as is every organ of the body. 3. People with brain diseases can be subject to severe struggles with sinful behavior because of special features of their brain disease.
The Connection Between Sin and Sickness A. Do People With Brain Disorders Sin? 1. Do people with kidney disorders sin? 2. So do people with brain disorders. 3. But determining the boundary between physical disability and willful sin can be difficult. • Example: The difference between responding to a delusion in a way that would be rational if the situation was real, and responding in sinful anger toward someone who tries to reorient the sufferer to what is real. 4. Great discernment and wisdom is required as we seek to help people with brain disorders! 5. Cognitive-Perceptual error.
Error in judgB. Exploring the Sin-Sickness Connection 1. Sin comes from the heart. • But if a sick brain is presenting wrong information to the inner person, resisting impulses to sin can be more difficult. • Persons with C-P problems are responsible for their choices. • But medicine can clear confused thinking, making it easier to control impulses, resist destructive emotions, and make more righteous choices. 2. Keeping the heart. • Keep your heart with all diligence, for from it springs the issues of life. Prov 4:23 • “The diligent and constant use of all holy means to preserve the soul from sin, and maintain its sweet and free communion with God.” John Flavel (1630-1691)
273
ment (leading to error in action) at times may result from physical impairment... Error, in such cases, is neither the result of willful misreading or misleading, nor does it stem from sinful patterns of life.
4 ~ Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders
Discussion (23:40)
1. What causes cognitive and perceptual disorder? Cognitive and perceptual disordeers are due to a physical disease of the brain as it steadily undergoes a deteriorative process. They are not due to so-called chemical imbalances.
2. Can a disease cause us to sin? The Bible says that sin comes from the heart, out of the inner person. Sinful behaviors and choices are not caused by the outer person and cannot be excused by weakness in the outer person. However, if a sick brain presents wrong information to the inner person, it can be much more difficult to resist the impulse to sin. Counselors must show great compassion in seeking to help counselees delineate between weakness and sin.
3. What is a key verse to focus on with people who have cognitive-perceptual disorders? Prov 4:23
Helping Those With Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders A. What C-P Symptoms Can Medicine Help? 1. Medicines that slow cognitive decline. • These include Aricept, Namenda, and similar medicines. 2. Medicines that suppress hallucinations and delusions. • These include antipsychotics like Zyprexa and Risperdal, and mood stabilizers like Depakote. B. Special Temptations Those With C-P Problems Face 1. Denial. • Insight and judgment are impaired in many C-P disorders. In severe cases, it will be difficult to recognize and learn from mistakes. • But denial is also a sinful temptation for all human beings.
274
Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders ~ 5
• People with C-P disorders who are still capable of learning from their mistakes MUST resist the temptation to deny that they are making mistakes. This choice closes the door to the possibility of biblical change. • The problem with denial is that if we aren’t aligning our beliefs about our value with the Scripture’s teaching, we are following our emotions instead of being guided by God’s truth. 2. Biblical truth. • Our value does not come from what we can do, or how important others think we are. • Our value comes from our status as human beings made in the image and likeness of God. • God looks on our heart. 1 Sam 16:7 • As we continue to respond to God in faith to the limits of our ability, whatever that ability might be, He is pleased with us. 3. Lying and covering up inability. • Lying is an offense against a Holy God. • It also places a barrier between us and our loved ones. • So does pretending nothing has changed and refusing the help and advice that loved ones may long to offer. • People lie and mistrust the help of enemies, not allies. 4. Anger. • More able people with C-P disorders may blame others for their difficulties. • They may also take out frustration over limitations on the very loved ones they are dependent upon. • These responses drive loved ones away instead of recruiting them as allies against the real foe, which is physical weakness and the temptations of sin. C. Accepting Help With Hallucinations and Delusions 1. Caregivers and loved ones of those with perceptual difficulties can help them to know what is really happening when they aren’t sure. This requires humbling oneself and ASKING for help, which can be very difficult for people who already feel badly about their impairment. 2. These sufferers tend to develop delusional explanations for the things they see and hear. If they refuse to check the truth of these beliefs out with their helpers, they ultimately believe that they are wiser than their healthy helpers. This can result in serious danger as they act upon their delusional beliefs!
275
6 ~ Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders
D. Accepting Help With Cognitive Limitations 1. Loss of independence (in those with brain injury or deterioration), or inability to achieve it (in those with childhood-onset disorders), is a painful reality for many. 2. Ability to humbly look to others for help will enable engagement in more activities of daily life for a longer time in those with cognitive deterioration. 3. Teenagers and young adults with childhood-onset disorders and adults with brain injury will develop more independence eventually if they take advantage of adult coaching. Drug abuse and rebellion take a special toll upon this group of young people. E. Responding Righteously to Cognitive-Perceptual Problems
One must deal with perceptual problems as well as any other physical impairments, righteously, not sinfully.
276
Cognitive-Perceptual Disorders ~ 7
Discussion (37:33)
1. What are some special temptations that those with cognitive-perceptual disorders face? Answers may include: denial, lying, anger, etc.
2. What is the major problem with denial? The problem with denial is that if our beliefs about our value do not align with what the Scriptures teach, we are being guided by our own emotions rather than God’s truth.
What are some biblical truths that counselors should emphasize with those struggling with denial? Answers may include: Our value does not come from what we can do, or how important others think we are. Our value comes from our status as human beings made in the image and likeness of God. A Christian’s value comes from the fact that God chose us and Jesus Christ died for us. God looks on our heart (1 Sam 16:7). As we continue to respond to God in faith to the limits of our ability, whatever that ability might be, He is pleased with us, etc.
What are some ways that counselees need to be encouraged to accept help? Answers may include: They need to be taught that their perceiver is broken and yet they trust their own perceptions. They need to learn to trust others (their caretakers and loved ones) more than themselves. They need to accept that it is not weak to accept help, it’s wise. They need to learn the biblical principle, “do not be wise in your own eyes,” etc.
277
278
CDC 33
Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 1 Introduction: Parents Are Looking for a Formula Which Will Guarantee That Their Kids Will Turn Out Right A. What formulas have people tried? 1. Educational formulas: public schools, Christian schools, home schooling.
2. Parenting formulas.
3. Church-based formulas: Sunday School, AWANA, VBS, summer camps, youth groups, family integrated church.
B. Most of the formulas have some strengths.
C. Each of the formulas has weaknesses and problems.
D. Parents who have tried each of these formulas have experienced various results . 1. Proponents of each system can point to many examples of success.
2. There are also examples of failure in each system – which often leads to the birth of the next system.
279
2 ~ Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1
3. Proponents of a given system will often blame all failure on user error – the parents didn’t properly follow the directions.
E. Many parents go from formula to formula looking for the answer.
Discussion (17:15)
1. What are some different child-raising formulas Christians have tried over the years? Answers may include: Christian schooling, home-schooling, discipline methods, church programs, family integrated church, etc.
2. What drives people to search for a parenting formula, sometimes jumping from one to the next? Parents are looking for a formula that will guarantee that their kids will turn out right.
3. When a formula fails, what do proponents of that formula tend to blame? Proponents of a formula tend to blame failure on user error. Rather than admitting limitations to their own system, they say that those who failed did not follow the formula correctly.
Parents Need to Excercise Discernment When Examining Child Training Formulas A. We need to recognize the difference between plausibility and proof when considering various parenting formulas. Acts 17:11; Eph 4:14; 1 Thess 5:21
1. Anecdotal stories do not prove that a formula works.
280
Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1 ~ 3
2. Sometimes the Scripture quoted doesn’t prove what the formula advocates claim.
3. An advocate of a particular formula may sound very persuasive without actually proving that his formula is true and biblical.
4. Contrary data may be ignored or explained away.
5. Some of what is asserted is demonstrably false.
6. I encourage you to be good Bereans when listening to me or anyone else who tries to tell you how to parent your kid.
B. Many “Christian” approaches to parenting are legalistic. 1. Legalism involves going beyond the Scriptures. 2 Tim 3:16-17; Prov 30:6
2. It is very important to distinguish between what Scripture commands versus one of many possible ways to fulfill our responsibilities to God.
3. The biblical commands concerning child training are quite basic. We as parents are then called to work out the specifics in our own situation.
4. Some make their particular methodology “law”, while failing to acknowledge that other approaches are equally valid ways to fulfill biblical commands.
281
4 ~ Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1
5. Some believers impose their extra-biblical rules and preferences on others.
6. Sometimes the extra-biblical rules (traditions) become more important than what Scripture actually teaches. Mark 7:8
7. Some people actually claim divine revelation for their child training methods.
8. What is not biblically mandated is a family choice.
9. Extra-biblical formulas often fail to take into account legitimate differences between kids and between families.
Discussion (35:19)
1. What are some things parents should consider when evaluating parenting formulas? Answers may include: anecdotes are not proof, sometimes Scripture is twisted, plausibility does not prove a point, be Berean in all things, etc.
2. What are some legalistic pitfalls that parents should guard against? Answers may include: imposing rules beyond what the Bible says, elevating their methodology above all others, imposing extra-biblical rules and preferences on others, making preferences or traditions more important than what Scripture teaches, etc
282
Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1 ~ 5
Why Do Kids Turn Out the Way They Do? Three Factors: A. Parents are responsible to raise their children properly. Eph 6:4 1. What the Bible says about parenting is pretty basic and simple. Eph 6:4; Col 3:21 • Discipline them. Prov 13:24; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15; Deut 21:18-21
• Train them. Deut 6:4ff; Prov 22:6; 1:8; 4:1; Gen 18:19; Exod 12:26ff; 13:8, 14
• Don’t provoke them to anger. Col 3:21
2. God blesses faithful parents. Prov 23:13-14; 29:17
3. If you neglect discipline you will contribute to your child’s ruin and your own misery.
Prov 17:21, 25; 29:15b; 19:13
4. Learn from Eli and David. 1 Sam 2:12-17, 22-25; 3:13; 4:11; 2 Sam 13; 1 Kgs 1:5-6
5. While parents have an influence on how their children turn out, they do not have control. The Bible does not teach parental determinism!
B. Children are responsible for the choices they make. Prov 20:11; Ezek 18:5-18 1. Not all rebellion is the fault of the parents.
283
6 ~ Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1
2. There are no “good kids”. Ps 51:1; Prov 22:15
3. What was the difference between Cain and Abel? Gen 4:1-9; Mark 7:18ff
4. God experienced rebellion in His child Israel. Jer 2:30; 5:3; 7:28; Isa 1:2
5. As our children enter adulthood, they are responsible to make their own life decisions.
Prov 1:21ff; 20:11; Ezek 18
C. God’s sovereign grace is needed to save our kids. 1. You can’t save your kids! Eph 2:1-3; Rom 8:6-8
2. The LORD must give them life and draw them to Himself. John 3:1ff; 6:37, 44; Eph 2:4-5
3. Sinful kids and sinful parents need grace.
4. The LORD works in mysterious ways.
284
Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1 ~ 7
Concluding Summary A. Does the Bible offer a surefire formula for success in parenting? Prov 22:6 1. Is Proverbs 22:6 an unconditional promise or a maxim?
2. Jesus warned that the gospel would divide families. Luke 12:51-53
B. There is no guarantee of success. We are dependent upon God’s grace. 1. None of us is a good enough parent to merit our child’s salvation! Heb 12:10
2. Our children are so sinful, they would reject perfect discipline. Gen 8:21
285
8 ~ Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 1
Discussion (58:01) 1. What are the three factors that the Bible says shape children?
There are three different things that the Bible discusses as playing a part in the formation of children. One is parenting, the other is the children’s own personal choices and finally is God’s sovereign intervention.
2. What does the Bible require of parents? The Bible requires parents to discipline their children, train them and instruct them in the fear of the Lord and to not provoke them to anger. All parents are responsible to do these things and the Lord does bless faithful parenting. Parents who neglect these responsibilities contribute to their child’s ruin and their own misery. The way each family fleshes these things out, however, is an issue of freedom.
3. Is it possible to shelter children from all evil? While it can be a good thing to try to protect children from many of the evils in the world, they can never be sheltered completely. The Bible says that we all have evil in our own hearts, and children will be confronted with that influence regardless of a parent’s intervention.
4. How can it encourage parents to know that ultimately they cannot save their kids? Even parents who are doing their best are still sinners in need of grace. Their best attempts are still imperfect. Parents can be encouraged that the Lord works sovereignly to regenerate where he pleases, often blessing their efforts, but also despite their failings.
Books Hendrickson, Laura, Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum. Newheiser, Jim, When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices. Priolo, Lou, The Heart of Anger. Tripp, Paul, Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
286
CDC 34
Parenting is More Than a Formula Part 2 The Biggest Problem with Many Parenting Formulas Is That They Can Become Pharisaical A. Those advocating certain formulas are often assuming (explicitly or implicitly) a form of “parental determinism” – the (unbiblical) belief that how well you follow their formula determines how your kids turn out. 1. Examples of parental determinism.
2. Failure is blamed on failure to follow the formula (keep the law).
3. They make strong hurtful statements, which cannot be substantiated from Scripture, about parents who “fail”.
4. If outcomes are determined by being under the correct outward influences, then does God pass our parenting test? Exod 4:22; Isa 1:2; Gen 4:6ff • Why did Cain rebel after God Himself admonished him?
• Israel turns from Him.
• Why did Judas betray Jesus after hearing His teaching and seeing His perfect life for three years?
287
2 ~ Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2
B. Parents who depend upon formulas can tend toward pharisaical pride, as if we can save our kids by our good works and faithfulness. 1. Parents are divided into successful winners and unsuccessful losers.
2. Those who seem to be succeeding (winners) will be tempted to pharisaical pride.
3. Those who are having problems with their kids (losers) will be tempted to anger or despair.
4. When people have trouble with their kids, they are told it was because they didn’t follow the system carefully enough.
5. We all are incapable of perfectly keeping the law. Even if there was a “formula”, we couldn’t follow it perfectly because we are all still struggling with our own sin.
6. Parents afflicted with phariseeism go from one system (or guru) to another looking for the approach which will work. Eccl 12:12
C. Moralistic formulas can also create kids who are pharisees, with the outside of the cup looking clean, while the inside of the cup remains filthy. Mark 7:6, 18-23 1. Children, like adults, are prone to self-righteousness, wanting to feel good about themselves by following an attainable man-made moral standard.
2. There are many outwardly obedient, well-mannered, good-looking children who are still lost and may rebel once they become young adults.
288
Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2 ~ 3
3. Obedience which isn’t motivated by love for God and His grace is dangerous (Fitzpatrick).
D. Pharisaical parenting methodologies will sooner or later lead to a train wreck.
Discussion (17:22) 1. What is the biggest problem with many parenting formulas?
The biggest problem with many parenting formulas is that they can become pharisaical, often advocating a form of parental determinism.
2. What is parental determinism? Parental determinism is an underlying assumption, sometimes implicit sometimes explicit, that the way you parent determines how your kids turn out.
3. What are some of the pitfalls of the thinking behind parental determinism? Answers may include: success leading to pride, self-righteousness, judgmentalism, failure leading to despair, anger, etc.
Parenting Is Not About Following an Extra-Biblical Man-Made Formula; It Is About the Gospel A. Many parents are bearing an incredible burden of (false) guilt. 1. Fathers don’t measure up to what the books say about the perfect dad.
289
4 ~ Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2
2. Mothers are very susceptible to peer pressure and perfectionism.
3. Many are in danger of giving up.
B. The law alone will not lead to parenting success. 1. Man-made rules may have the appearance of wisdom, but they will not produce holiness. Col 2:23
2. We cannot be saved or sanctified merely by the law.
3. Nor can our kids be saved or sanctified merely through the law.
C. Parents desperately need the gospel. 1. Confess we can’t do it.
2. Repent of phariseeism.
3. Seek grace for ourselves.
4. Plead for your kids’ souls.
290
Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2 ~ 5
D. Our kids can only be saved by the work of God. 1. They cannot be saved by our works or theirs.
2. They need to understand that they are not good, which is why they need a Savior. 2 Cor 5:21, 17; 1 Pet 3:18; Phil 3:9; John 15:5; Rom 6:1ff
3. While it is our duty to seek to be Christlike in our families, it is more important to confess that we fall very short of being Christlike so that we can point ourselves and our kids to our
need for Christ.
4. We need to teach our children the Bible in a way that goes beyond moralistic stories which focus on what we should be doing and instead focuses upon what God has done for us in redemption.
5. God often saves and uses people from the most (humanly) unlikely backgrounds. Ezek 18;
2 Tim 1:5; Heb 11:23-25
6. God sometimes works through those who don’t follow our formulas.
E. God is at work in our lives through our parenting. 2 Cor 12:9-10 (from Dave Harvey audio) 1. We often want to look upon parenting as a means to display our strength.
2. God uses our parenting to display our weakness so that we might utterly depend upon His strength. When I am weak, then I am strong.
291
6 ~ Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2
3. Stop trying to manage others’ perception of you and your kids. Instead be honest about your weaknesses.
4. Parenting in weakness is used by God to drive us to seek healing and strength in Christ whose grace alone is sufficient. 2 Cor 12:9
F. Parenting is about God more than you or your kids. (From book by Leslie Leyland Fields.) 1. Parenting is about fulfilling God’s purposes, not our agenda. Matt 22:37ff; 10:37-39
2. Putting God first frees us to better love our children.
3. God parents (us) for holiness, not happiness. Lev 19:2; Heb 12:14
4. Parenting is more about people than a process.
5. God calls us to be faithful, not “successful”. Ezek 2:3-4; 3:7; Isa 6:8ff
6. We must rely upon God rather than formulas.
7. Our ultimate hope must be in God, not our kids. Jer 17:5-8
292
Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2 ~ 7
Conclusion A. Gospel parenting isn’t just another formula.
B. God is teaching us to graciously love our sinful children just as He loves us. Rom 5:8
Discussion (51:20) 1. What are some ways parents can seek to implement the gospel in parenting?
Answers may include: confess they can’t do it on their own, repent of phariseeism, seek grace for themselves, plead for their children’s souls, etc.
2. How can children be saved? Children can only be saved by the work of God. They cannot be saved by good parenting or their own good works. Parents can hold out this saving gospel to their children in many ways as they seek to be Christlike, confess their own shortcomings, teach the Bible in a way that focuses on redemption in Christ, etc.
3. How can weaknesses help in parenting? God can use a parent’s weaknesses to make them dependent on His strength and drive them to Christ whose grace alone is sufficient.
4. What should parenting ultimately be about? Parenting should ultimately be about what God is doing rather than how a child is turning out. It is about fulfilling His purposes and not a personal agenda. This frees parents to make their goal to walk faithfully rather than “successfully,” placing their hope in the Lord and not their kids.
293
8 ~ Parenting Is More Than a Formula Part 2
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Newheiser J., You Never Stop Being a Parent. Fitzpatrick, E., Thompson, J., Give Them Grace. Leyland Fields, Leslie, Parenting Is Your Highest Calling and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt.
Audios Harvey, Dave. “Parenting in Weakness.”
294
CDC 35
But My Child is Different! Dr. Laura Hendrickson
Blessed With a “Different” Child A. Our society tends to excuse a child by saying they have a challenge that exempts him/her. B. There are clearly special needs people in the Bible: blind, lame, epileptic, demon-possessed. C. The Bible doesn’t give exemptions for people with challenges. 1. Biblical principles are infallible. 2. Applications people draw from these principles are not infallible and may not be appropriate for all children. 3. Some types of uniqueness: • Hypersensitivity. • Processing difficulties. • Autism. • Down Syndrome.
Blessed? A. Children are a blessing and a reward. Psalm 127:2-5 1. Having a different child sometimes doesn’t feel like a blessing. 2. Society often sends a message that if your child is not typical they are inferior. 3. This verse does not except “different” children. B. Psalm 139:13-16 1. God personally designed every child, even “different” children. 2. All children are fearfully and wonderfully made. 3. Your child’s uniqueness has value C. First, you cry. 1. Death of a dream. • Raising a “perfect child” who will glorify God. • How can these children know or glorify God?
295
2 ~ Blessed With A “Different” Child
2. God’s punishment? 1. It can feel like God is punishing through this situation. 2. Jesus took all punishment on the cross. 3. God intends good for His children. Rom 8:28 3. Which one of us is God? 1. Saying “I should have known.” 2. God is the only one powerful enough to control everything and righteous enough to always do what’s best. Jer 29:11
Discussion (23:02) 1. What is a biblical view of human nature? The Bible teaches a duplex view of human nature consisting of an inner and outer person. The inner person interacts with God and the outer person interacts with others.
2. What is the difference between Biblical principles and the application of those principles? How can understanding this difference help parents? Biblical principles are infallible and make no exemptions for special cases. These principles are always true and applicable for all people. The applications of these principles, however, are not infallible and can vary from person to person. Often parenting experts offer their applications of specific principles as authoritative. This can put unrealistic demands on children with unique situations. Parents of different children can have the freedom to work through the ways to apply Biblical principles to their child’s unique situation. This can free them from unrealistic expectations and encourage them not to give up.
3. What are some key texts that can encourage parents of “different children?” Psalm 127:2-5 and Psalm 139:13-16 both offer truth and hope as they proclaim God’s sovereign design and purpose in the life of every person He has created.
4. What are some big concepts that parents with different children may need help working through? Answers may include: death of a dream, Divine punishment, God’s goodness, God’s sovereignty, etc.
296
Blessed With A “Different” Child ~ 3
What Is God Doing? A. Fix “deficits” or strengthen weaknesses? 1. Delight in differences. B. We and our children are born in the image and likeness of God. Gen 1:27 1. Born for relationship with God. 2. Capable of glorifying Him. 3. God gets to decide how our children glorify Him. 4. Their value comes from being made in God’s image, not in their accomplishments. 5. God is big enough even to use sin to glorify Himself. B. Not a walking elephant. 1. May not be born to walk but fly. 2. In so-called deficits is the seed of uniqueness. 3. God is doing something particular and special. C. God uses challenges to glorify Himself ! 1. Differences may result in unusual abilities. • Even those whose function remains low glorify God. • Each child will reflect God’s character in a unique way. 2. These things take time and effort. 3. God is sovereign over the whole process.
297
4 ~ Blessed With A “Different” Child
Discussion (43:40)
1. How can a perspective shift help parents of different children? Our society focuses on fixing the so-called deficits of different children. Parents can come to realize that in these very deficits lie the seeds to their child’s uniqueness and God’s purpose for them. This can help them to delight in their child’s differences, see what God is doing in their children’s lives and help it unfold.
2. Why does it matter that all people are created in the image and likeness of God? Because all people are created in God’s image and likeness, no matter what their limitations, they are born for relationship with Him and capable of glorifying Him.
3. Give some examples, either from the video or personal experience, of ways that God can use the specific situations of “different” people to glorify Himself. Answers will vary.
Training a Different Child A. “In his way.” Prov 22:6 1. Our children have their own individual ways. 2. He has a physical weakness. • Work with, instead of against, natural tendencies. 3. He has a sinful nature. • Don’t neglect the heart. • Your child, like you, needs to learn to die to himself and live for God’s glory. Phil 2:4-8 B. Your own temptations. 1. To make life easier for him. • Making excuses for him. • Overprotecting. • “Mad Elephant!”
298
Blessed With A “Different” Child ~ 5
2. To make life easier for you. • Inconsistency. • Cutting corners in discipline. • Seeking to glorify self instead of God. • Overly harsh discipline.
C. “It’s OK - he can’t help it.” 1. Much harder for him. • But God commands you to teach him to obey. 2. Not impossible for him . • Help and support. • Patience and consistency. • Lots of prayer for grace! D. Love the way Jesus loves. 1. Great sympathy and compassion. 2. Never tempted to tell people who need to change that they’re fine the way they are. 3. Never placed comfort, convenience, or reputation ahead of the Father’s glory.
I Wanted a Miracle A. For me. 1. My dreams. 2. An easier life. 3. Deliverance from the challenges. B. For Eric. 1. To have a more normal life. 2. To give God glory by following my plan. C. The Apostle Paul wanted a miracle, too. 1. For him. 2. For God.
299
6 ~ Blessed With A “Different” Child
D. “My grace is sufficient.” 1. God wanted Paul to remain weak to perfect His power in him. 2 Cor 12:9 2. Our sufficiency is from God. 2 Cor 3:5 3. When we are weak God is strong. 2 Cor12:10 4. We can learn to be content in all situations. Phil 4:11-13 E. God chooses the weak, foolish, and despised. 1. To make them wise, righteous, holy, and redeemed by uniting them to Christ by faith. 1 Cor 1:27-31 2. God gets the glory!
300
Blessed With A “Different” Child ~ 7
Discussion (1:9:42)
1. What are some special temptations that those with cognitive-perceptual disorders face? Answers may include: denial, lying, anger, etc.
2. What are the two things that parents need to distinguish between when seeking to train a different child? Different children have both physical weaknesses and a sinful nature. The sinful nature needs to be addressed at the heart, but parents can choose to work with instead of against those things that are weakness and not sin.
3. What are two major temptations that parents with different children will face and how might they manifest themselves? Answers may include: To make like easier for their children by: making excuses, overprotecting, lashing out at others, etc. To make life easier for themselves by: inconsistency, cutting corners, seeking self-glory, etc.
4. Why doesn’t God deliver us from all difficult circumstances? 2 Corinthians 12 offers a great inside look at what God is up to when He chooses not to deliver His children from difficult circumstances. We see in the situation with the apostle Paul that God is working patience, dependence, humility and contentment in the life of one of His saints. He is also working so that the glory will go to Himself alone.
5. Can you think of a time when the Lord worked in your own life by taking you through rather than delivering you from a difficult circumstance? Answers will vary.
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Newhesier, J., When Good Kids Make Bad Choices. Hendrickson, Laura, Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum.
301
302
CDC 36
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices Review: Why Do Kids Turn Out the Way They Do?
How Can Parents Prevent Their Kids from Getting Out of Control? A. Discipline them while there is hope. Prov 19:18; Eph 6:4 1. Why is discipline necessary? Gen 8:21; Ps 51:5; Prov 22:15
2. How should discipline be carried out? The Process. • You must be self-disciplined.
• Teach principles of behavior from the Bible.
• Don’t merely target behavior. Deal with the heart of sin. Prov 4:23; Mark 7:20-23
• Demand immediate and respectful obedience.
• When the rules are broken take disciplinary action. Prov 22:15; 29:15; 13:24
303
2 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
• Lovingly forgive and restore the relationship. 1 John 1:9
• Point them to their need of redemption in Christ.
3. Discipline is hard work (love)! Heb 12:6-9 • Don’t lose heart. You are disciplining them on the Lord’s behalf.
B. Train them in the Word. Deut 6:4-9, 20-25; Prov 6:20-23 1. You must instruct your children. Deut 6:4-9, 20-25 • The Word must first be on your heart! Deut 6:4-6
• Train them through formal teaching: Family Worship. Deut 6:7; 2 Tim 3:15
• Train your children through informal instruction. Deut. 6:9, 20-25
• Prepare them for adult life.
• Strive to build an intimate relationship with your children. Prov 20:5
304
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 3
2. Evangelize your children. Deut 6:20-25 Incorporate the gospel into the way you train your children.
C. Don’t provoke them to anger. Col 3:21 (See The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo) 1. Overdiscipline. 1 John 5:3 • Unrealistic demands and expectations. 1 Thess 2:11; 1 Cor 13:11
• Overprotection: Not letting children grow up. Luke 12:48; 1 Cor 13:11
• Anger/harshness: verbal or physical abuse. Jas 1:19-20; Matt 5:21-23
• Humiliation and ridicule. Matt 18:15a; Eph 4:29
• Refusal to listen. Prov 18:3, 17; Eph 4:25; Jas 1:19; Prov 20:5; Deut 6:20
• False accusations, faultfinding and negativity. Prov19:11
• Failure to encourage and reward good behavior. Col 3:21; Rev 2-3; 1 Cor 1:1ff
305
4 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
• Failure to express unconditional and deep love. Ps 103:13-14
Discussion (12:00) 1. What are some things to keep in mind when disciplining children?
Answers may include: parents need to be self-disciplined, principles should be taught from the Bible, targeting the heart of sin is as important as correcting the behavior, it is an opportunity to point children to their need of redemption, etc.
2. What needs to be at the heart of your attempts to train your children? The word must first be on your heart. Your instruction of them needs to flow out of your own relationship with the Lord.
What Should Parents Do When Their Children Rebel? A. First deal with yourself. 1. Confess your own sinful failures. Prov 13:24; 23:13-14; Col 3:21; Matt 7:5; 5:23-24
2. Recognize the sin of your child for what it is. Prov 22:15a
3. Seek godly counsel. Prov 11:14; 15:22; 20:18
306
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 5
4. Be prepared to face the reality that your child may not be a believer. 1 John 2:3-4
5. Pray and fast. Only God can change a rebellious heart of a child (or a parent). Matt 17:21;
Mark 9:29
B. Take care of the rest of your family. 1. Be sure you and your spouse are united.
2. Watch out for your other children.
C. Mount a discipline offensive. 1. Be prepared to do some investigation.
2. Remove bad influences from his life. Prov 1:10ff; 13:20; Matt 5:29-30; 1 Cor 15:33
3. Establish clear and reasonable expectations. • Curfew. Prov 2:13; 7:9; 1 Thess 5:7
• Entertainment standards: TV, movies, music, computer (internet/games). Prov 5:8; Rom
13:14; Eph 5:3
307
6 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
• Manner of listening and speaking to parents. Prov 19:26; 20:20; 30:17; Exod 20:12
• Church involvement. Prov 8:1ff; Heb 10:24-25
• Treatment of siblings. Prov 18:6; 12:16; Phil 2:3-4
• Substance abuse. Prov 23:29-35; 20:1; Eph 5:18
• Work/school performance. (Not to remain idle.) Prov 6:6-11
• Contribution to family: chores, finances, etc. Prov 10:5; Eph 4:28
• Participation in family activities (including family worship). Prov 1:8; Deut 6:7
• Companions/use of phone. Prov 13:20; 14:7; 22:24; 1 Cor 15:33
• Dress code. Deut 22:5
308
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 7
4. Define and enforce consequences. Prov 23:13-14; 19:18; 26:3
5. Appeal to your child on a heart level. Prov 22:15; 2:2, 10; 3:1, 3; 4:23; 6:21; 11:20; 14:14; 19:3; 28:26;
1:7; Mark 7:21ff
6. It may be wise to have your child examined by a physician to see if there are physiological elements which are complicating the situation.
7. Don’t undermine your own efforts. • Both parents must be of one mind.
• Don’t make empty threats and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated!
D. Mount a love offensive. 1. Make it clear that your love is unconditional. Matt 5:44-45; 1 John 4:19
2. Find ways you can show love to your kids without compromising your standards.
3. Be ready to forgive.
4. Never give up!
309
8 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
Discussion (54:19) 1. What are some steps to take when you sense your child is rebelling?
Answers may include: confess your own failures, don’t be in denial, seek counsel, fast and pray, care for the rest of your family, develop a discipline plan, affirm your love, etc.
2. What are some temptations that parents may face when dealing with rebellious children? Answers may include: temptation to anger, increasing law while withholding love, temptation to give up, temptation to be too permissive, temptation to be overcontrolling, temptation to unforgiveness, etc.
3. What does it mean to mount a love offensive? Parents dealing with rebellious kids need to invest much effort in showing love to their children. It is as important that they invest time and energy in coming up with ways to express love and care for their children as for enforcing
How Can You Handle Incorrigible Kids? Prov 19:18; 29:1; Deut 21:18ff; Exod 21:15; Lev 20:9
A. Beware of two extremes. 1. Giving up too soon because of personal hurt feelings, anger and bitterness.
2. Tolerating and enabling sin.
B. Under the Old Covenant, out of control (incorrigible) kids were put to death. Prov 19:18; Deut 21:18-21
1. Drastic measures were required to ensure the purity of the covenant community.
310
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 9
2. Principles which remain. • It is possible for a child to be incorrigible (out of control).
• Children (minors) are held responsible for their sinful choices.
• We are to be concerned about the corrupting influence of an incorrigible child upon the church (and the home).
• We must be prepared to take drastic measures.
3. God finally reaches a point at which He deals with Israel this way. Jer 3:8; 7:28
C. New Covenant applications. 1. Apostates and rebels are no longer executed by the covenant community.
2. Bring them before the church leaders: excommunication. 1 Cor 5:1ff; Matt 18:15ff
3. Bring them before the civil leaders: criminal penalties. Matt 18:17 • The magistrate doesn’t always do his job.
311
10 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
• Parents sometimes wrongfully circumvent the criminal consequences of their children’s behavior.
4. Put them out of the house. • After they are legal adults you can kick them out and, if necessary, get a restraining order.
• If they are still minors, you are still legally required to provide food, shelter, and housing.
• You may, however, send them to a disciplined and controlled environment where they will receive food and shelter.
• Do this in love, not anger. Rom 12:18ff
D. The goals of drastic measures. 1. Protection for those who remain: Prov 1:10ff; 1 Cor 5:6
2. The Lord may even use this hardship, like church discipline, to drive your child to his senses. Prov 3:11-12; 1 Cor 5:5
E. When can they come home? 1. Beware of being manipulated and becoming enablers of their sinful lifestyle.
312
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 11
2. The child must be repentant. Luke 15:18, 21; 2 Cor 7:10-11 Learn the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow over sin.
3. He/she must be willing to follow the house rules (written contracts).
Concluding Applications A. Both parents and children are responsible. Prov 23:13-16
B. There is hope for failed parents and rebellious kids. Luke 15:17-20
313
12 ~ Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices
Discussion (1:13:13)
1. What are the two extremes that need to be avoided when dealing with incorrigible children? The two extremes are on the one hand giving up too soon and on the other hand tolerating and enabling sin.
2. What are some principles that we can glean from the way the Old Covenant dealt with incorrigible children? Answers may include: it is possible for children to be incorrigible, children are responsible for sinful choices, parents are to be concerned about the corrupting influence, they must be prepared to take drastic measures.
3. What are some of the authority systems parents can avail themselves of? Parents can take incorrigible children before the leaders of their church and can also take them before the civil magistrates when appropriate.
4. If drastic measures must be taken, what should be the attitude of the parents? Even taking drastic measures against out of control children needs to be done in love. Parents should be hoping for the restoration of their children and ready to forgive them.
5. Is there hope for failed parents and rebellious kids? God glorifies Himself by saving prodigals. The parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15:17-20 is a key place to take counselees to remind them that their hope is in God who can change even the hardest hearts and redeem seemingly desperate situations.
314
Dealing with Rebellious Teens: When “Good Kids” Make Bad Choices ~ 13
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Newheiser, J., When Good Kids Make Bad Choices. Marcellino, Jerry, Rediscovering the Lost Treasure of Family Worship. Priolo, Lou, The Heart of Anger. Ray, Bruce, Withhold not Correction. Tripp, Paul, Age of Opportunity. Tripp, Ted, Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
Supplemental Resources Priolo, Lou. “25 Ways Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger.”
315
316
CDC 37
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children Introduction
What Can You Do to Prepare Your Children for Adulthood? A. The goal of parenting is to make your children ready to live wisely (on their own). Prov 4:3-4; 1 Cor 13:11
1. Childhood is meant to be a temporary state. Gen 2:24
2. It is the job of parents, not schools or churches, to train children. Prov 1:8-9
3. You want them to learn to make wise choices on their own.
4. Parents, be ready to lose control!
5. Learn to relate to your children as adults. Col 3:21; Phil 2:3-4; Prov 20:5; 5:40
B. What can you do to make your children ready to live on their own?
317
2 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
1. Teach them to fear God and to live for His glory. Prov 1:7; 3:7-8; Deut 6:5; Matt 22:37
2. Teach them to put others ahead of themselves. Matt 22:39; Phil 2:3-4
3. Prepare them to pursue a vocation so they can work hard to care for a family.
Prov 6:5-11; 24:30-34; 26:12-16; 12:11; 13:11; 22:29; 10:4-5; 28:19; 14:23
4. Teach them financial wisdom. • The value of saving (postponed gratification). Prov 6:8; 13:11
• The importance of budgeting (planning). Prov 21:5
• The avoidance of debt. Prov 22:7; 6:1-5; Deut 28:44
• The prompt payment of financial obligations. Prov 3:27-28; Deut 24:14ff; Ps 37:21
• The blessedness of being generous. Prov 3:9-10; 11:25; 19:17; 22:9
5. Teach them God’s design for marriage (and sex). Prov 5:1-23; 6:20-35; 7:1-27 • Teach them biblical perspectives on manhood and womanhood. Prov 31:10ff
318
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 3
• Warn them against immorality. Prov 2:16-19
• Encourage them to get ready for marriage. 1 Cor 7:9
• The desire for marriage motivates the pursuit of maturity and responsibility.
6. Teach them to choose their companions carefully. Prov 1:10-19; 13:20; 22:24-25; 23:20;
1 Cor 15:33; Ps 1:1
7. Teach them to resist temptation. Prov 29:25; 2:12-15; 20:1; 31:4-5
C. When is a child ready to leave home? 1 Cor 13:11. (See Al Mohler: From Boy to Man - The Marks of Manhood.) 1. Spiritual maturity sufficient to lead a wife and children. 1 Pet 3:7
2. Personal maturity sufficient to be a responsible husband and father. Eph 5:22ff
3. Economic maturity sufficient to hold an adult job and handle money. Prov 28:19ff
4. Physical maturity sufficient to work and protect a family. Prov 6:6ff
319
4 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
5. Sexual maturity sufficient to marry and fulfill God’s purposes. 2 Tim 2:22
6. Moral maturity sufficient to lead as an example of righteousness.
7. Ethical maturity sufficient to make responsible decisions.
8. Worldview maturity sufficient to understand what is really important. 1 Chr 12:32; 2 Cor 10:5
9. Relational maturity sufficient to understand and respect others. Phil 2:3-4
10. Social maturity sufficient to make a contribution to society. Matt 5:13; Rom 13:1ff
11. Verbal maturity sufficient to communicate and articulate as a man. Prov 15:28, 7; 10:20-21;
16:24; 12:18; 20:5; Jas 1:19
12. Character maturity sufficient to demonstrate courage under fire. Prov 29:25
13. Biblical maturity sufficient to lead at some level in the church. 1 Pet 4:10-11
320
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 5
D. Some children leave too soon.
E. What authority does a parent have over an adult child? 1. Parents must recognize that their relationship with their adult child is very different from what it was when the child was small. Eph 6:1ff; 1 Cor 13:11
2. One of the biggest mistakes made by Christian parents is to treat their young adult offspring as if they were still small children. Col 3:21
3. When your child is married, he/she is in a new family unit and no longer under your authority. Gen 2:24
4. Are single adults also free from parental authority? I Cor 9:5; 7:39; 13:11; John 2:3ff; Num 32:11
321
6 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
Discussion (20:19) 1. How should parents raise their children with a view towards adulthood?
Parents should be training and preparing their children to live wisely one day on their own. They need to prepare to relinquish appropriate amounts of control as children take on more and more responsibility of making their own decisions and existing independently from their parents.
2. What are some good questions that parents can ask themselves to help determine whether or not to bring correction to an adult child? Two good questions for parents to ask themselves are, “Have I already said this?” and “Does my child know what I think about this?”. If the answer to those questions is yes, repetition will probably not increase effectiveness. It may just drive children away.
3. What is a common mistake that godly Christian parents sometimes commit that actually drives their children away? One of the biggest mistakes made by Christian parents is to treat their young adult children as if they were still small children. Parents need to recognize that their relationship with their children will change as they enter adulthood and marriage.
What Do You Do When Your Adult Children Come Back Home (Or Never Leave)? A. The phenomenon of the “twixter” (or boomerang kids/adultolescents).
B. What are valid reasons for an adult child to stay home? 1. A son may stay at home while he is completing his education, establishing his business, or saving for marriage. Prov 10:4b
322
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 7
2. A daughter may choose to stay under the protection of her parents prior to marriage. Gen 2:24
3. Some young adults are not physically or mentally able to take care of themselves.
4. Children may stay at home in order to take care of aged or disabled parents or other family members. Exod 20:12; Matt 15:5-6; 1 Tim 5:4
5. Sometimes children move home because of extraordinary circumstances.
6. Young adults should only be living at home if there is a clear goal. Prov 21:5
C. Some young people sinfully postpone the responsibilities of adulthood: vocation, marriage, and children. 1. They fail to establish a career by which they can provide for themselves. Prov 6:5-11; 12:11;
28:19
2. They expect others to take care of their financial needs. 2 Thess 3:10-13; 1 Tim 5:8
3. They are financially irresponsible. Prov 22:7 • They only work enough to pay for their desired level of discretionary spending.
323
8 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
• They expect instant gratification.
• They get deeply into debt.
4. They place a high value on relationships and entertainment. Prov 14:23
5. Instead of marrying and having a family, they indulge in uncommitted relationships and fornication. 1 Cor 6:9-10; 7:9; 2 Tim 2:22
D. Parents contribute to this problem. 1. They fail to prepare their children to be on their own. Prov 1:8
2. Some refuse to let go of their kids. Gen 2:24
3. They inadvertently enable sinful behavior. Prov 15:19; 6:11; 10:4; 20:13; 16:26
4. They are afraid to take strong steps to deal with their kids. 1 Sam 2:22-25; 21:50
5. Some birds would benefit from being pushed out of the nest.
324
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 9
E. What are the challenges of having an adult child living with his parents? 1. The child wants to be treated as an adult, yet he is still dependent upon his parents.
2. Parents often have a hard time looking upon their child as an adult.
3. Being under your roof subjects them to your rules.
4. The rules should be reasonable and you should recognize their adulthood.
F. What can parents do to help their twixters grow up? 1. Encourage maturity. 1 Cor 4:20
2. Be willing to make tough choices for the good of your children.
3. If they continue to act like children, they must be treated like children.
4. Make your expectations clear, along with the consequences.
5. You may need to seek their forgiveness for having spoiled them.
325
10 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
6. Their return to your home may be one last hope for you to train them. Prov 19:18
7. Do what you can to show you love them without compromising your standards.
G. What should be expected of an adult child living at home? 1. Expect them to take financial responsibility. 2 Thess 3:6-12
2. Don’t allow them to be lazy while living under your roof. Eph 4:28; Prov 10:1, 4-5
3. Demand sexual purity. Heb 13:4
4. Do not tolerate substance abuse. 1 Thess 5:7; Prov 23:20, 30-31
5. Make them pay a price for irresponsibility. Prov 26:3; 38:02
6. Be willing to kick them out.
326
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 11
Discussion (41:12) 1. What are some valid reasons for young adults to stay home?
Answers may include: completing education, saving for the future, physical or mental disability, extreme circumstances, etc.
2. What are some possible problems of young adults staying home? Some young people use the opportunity to stay home to sinfully postpone the responsibilities of adulthood. They are not motivated to establish their own careers and manage their finances responsibly because they are relying upon others to take care of their financial needs.
3. What should parents expect for adult children living at home? Answers may include: financial responsibility, hard work, sexual purity, no substance abuse, consequences for failure to comply with set guidelines, etc.
What Do You Do When Your Adult Children Get Into Trouble (Substance Abuse, Debt, Crime)? A. Whose fault is it when adult kids go bad? 1. Parents are responsible to raise their children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Prov 22:6; 23:13-14; 29:15, 17; 1 Sam 2:12ff
2. Children are responsible for the choices they make. Prov 20:11, 20; 30:11, 17; Ezek 18:5-13; Isa 1:2; Jer 2:30; Eph 6:2
3. You are dependent upon God’s sovereign grace for the souls of your children. Luke 12:51-53; Gen 4:1-9; Ps 51:5; Eph 2:1ff; John 6:44
327
12 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
B. Adult children often look to their parents to bail them out. 1. They can be very charming, persuasive, and manipulative.
2. Parents are often motivated by fear and guilt. Prov 29:25
3. Cry out to God for help and wisdom. Jas 1:5
4. Seek godly counsel. Prov 11:14
5. Face the fact that your child may not be converted. John 14:15; 1 John 2:3ff; Matt 7:20
6. Learn to distinguish between worldly sorrow and true repentance. 2 Cor 7:10
C. Don’t enable a sinful lifestyle. 1 Sam 2:12-17, 22-25; 3:13; 4:11 1. If you feel guilty about how you raised your child, confess your sin to God, your child and your spouse; but don’t compound your guilt by financing more sin.
2. You may be circumventing the very consequences God has designed to bring sinners to repentance. Luke 15:13ff; Prov 16:26; 19:15
3. Many wayward children have an entitlement mentality. 2 Thess 3:10; Prov 10:4
328
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 13
4. Don’t buy into the world’s lies which excuse sinful behavior: the disease model.
D. Help should be offered wisely and lovingly. 1. Express love to your child and offer godly counsel. Prov 1:8ff
2. If your child wants your money and not your counsel, you probably should give him neither. Matt 7:6; Prov 1:7
3. Offer help which addresses your child’s root problems. Prov 4:23; Mark 7:21ff
4. Establish expectations as a condition for your assistance. Prov 13:20; 20:1, 20; 6:6ff; 10:5;
1 Thess 5:7; 1 Cor 15:33
5. Does this somehow violate their adult status? Prov 26:3; 1 Cor 13:11
6. If conditions are not met, you must stand your ground, even if this means kicking the child out.
E. What should you do about an incorrigible child? Deut 21:18-21; Prov 19:18; 29:1 1. Recognize that there is such a thing as an incorrigible child.
2. You should be concerned about the effect he/she will have upon others. 1 Cor 15:33
329
14 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
3. You must be prepared to take drastic measures.
4. You must allow them to experience the full consequences of their sinful actions. 1 Pet 2:14;
Rom 13:1-7; Prov 19:15, 18
5. God sometimes uses hardship to bring a child to repentance. Luke 15:18, 21
When Should You Give Financial Help to Your Grown Children? A. Should parents pay for their children’s college education?
B. Is it good to transfer wealth from one generation to another? 1. There is biblical basis for leaving an inheritance. Prov 13:22; 19:14; Num 26:53; 32:18; I Kgs 21:3ff;
2 Cor 12:14
2. A suddenly gained inheritance may be squandered. Prov 20:21; Luke 12:15ff
3. You may be able to offer crucial help to your grown children: an inheritance before you die.
4. You may be able to help bring the family together for special events.
330
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 15
5. You offer them a better spiritual inheritance. Eph 1:11; Heb 9:15
C. Money matters are very dangerous to family relationships. Prov 22:7 1. Just because you can afford to “help” them doesn’t mean you really would be doing them any good.
2. Sometimes it is appropriate to establish conditions for financial help.
3. Generally it is better not to attach strings.
4. Lending money among family members tends to generate stress and conflict.
5. Must you treat each child equally?
6. Your attempts at generosity may actually harm relationships.
What Is Your Role as Your Adult Children Approach Courtship and Marriage? A. Ideally you will have significant positive involvement in your child’s courtship. Gen 2:24; 1 Cor 7:36-38; Exod 22:16-17; Deut 22:13-21
331
16 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
1. Ideally, both sets of parents will be actively involved in the courtship.
2. Children are wise to seek and heed parental wisdom. Prov 31:30; 3:5-6; Jer 17:9
3. Ideally, all will agree as to the choice of a spouse, the timing of the wedding, etc.
4. We don’t always receive what is ideal in life.
5. Give your dreams to God.
B. What authority do parents have in their children’s choice of a spouse? 1. If you don’t have your child’s trust (heart) you will have relatively little influence on their choice of a spouse.
2. Parents do not have the right to impose marriage on their child. 1 Cor 7:39
3. Parents must be careful not to provoke their children to anger. Col 3:21
4. Some young people marry just to escape tyrannical parental authority.
332
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 17
5. Under what circumstances may a child go against parental wishes when marrying?
C. What should you do if your children make romantic choices which you believe to be less than ideal? 1. What if: • Your child marries a professing Christian against your will?
• Your child marries an unbeliever? 2 Cor 6:14; 1 Cor 9:5; 7:39, 16; 1 Kgs 11:4
• Your child lives with someone out of wedlock? Heb 13:4
• Your child is a practicing homosexual?
2. Some would say that you should shun a disobedient adult child.
3. You are to pursue peace. Build the relationship, so far as possible. Rom 12:18ff
4. You are free to love people who have sinned against you. Gen 45; Matt 5:43ff
5. The limitation is that you cannot participate in sin. Rom 14:23
333
18 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
6. Be sure that you are limiting because of conscience; not anger, bitterness, or a desire to control. Eph 4:26-27
D. How can you be an in-law without becoming an outlaw? 1. How does your relationship with your child change?
2. What kind of relationship should you expect with your child’s spouse?
3. Be careful to respect the integrity of this new family unit. Gen 2:24
4. Be ready to overlook offenses and slights which may occur. 1 Pet 4:8; Rom 12:18ff
5. What should you do if your child’s spouse tries to shut you out? Matt 7:5
6. Pursue peace. • Avoid unbiblical responses of attacking or fleeing.
• Get the beam out of your own eye. Matt 7:1ff
• Gently restore. Gal 6:1-2
334
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 19
• The PAUSE principle. o Prepare for peacemaking
o Affirm relationships. Phil 4:1-2
o Understand interests. Phil 2:3-4
o Search for creative solutions. Dan 1
o Evaluate options objectively.
E. How should you respond if your adult child is going through a divorce? 1. You need to evaluate the divorce based upon biblical grounds.
2. You need to stand up for what God’s Word says is right, even if this means standing against your own child.
F. What if your adult child remains single? 1. Be careful not to push him/her too hard towards marriage.
335
20 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
2. Recognize he/she may have the gift of singleness. 1 Cor 7:1, 8, 32-33
3. Help him/her to get ready for marriage.
What Is Your Role With Your Grandchildren? A. Grandchildren are a blessing to grandparents. Deut 4:25; Ps 103:17; 128:6; Prov 17:6; Job 42:16
B. Grandparents are to be a blessing to their grandchildren. 1. A spiritual heritage. Deut 4:9; 6:2; Exod 10:2; 2 Tim 1:5
2. An earthly heritage. Prov 13:22
C. Sometimes grandparents have to take over the parental role. 1. Parental responsibility should be accompanied by parental authority.
What Are the Responsibilities of Grown Children to Their Parents? A. Even after leaving home, you are still to honor your parents. Exod 20:12 1. Seek your parents’ counsel.
336
You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children ~ 21
2. Build your relationship with them. Rom 12:18
B. You are responsible to ensure that your parents’ financial needs are met. 1 Tim 5:4; Matt 15:3-9; John 19:26-27
C. You may wind up becoming their care-giver.
D. Older parents need to be ready to accept the limitations of old age.
Conclusion
337
22 ~ You Never Stop Being a Parent: Parenting Your Adult Children
Discussion (1:04:55) 1. What are some things for parents to consider in financial matters?
Parents have an opportunity to greatly bless their children through finances. Lending money, however, is dangerous and can lead to embitterment and strained relationships. If parents have the ability to help, it is better to give the money without strings attached. Parents can also enable financial irresponsibility through the repetitive “bailing out” of some children. It is wise to carefully consider when assisting in financial matters.
2. What role do parents have in their children’s choice of spouse? Parents will be wise to see their roles as advisers, rather than as authority figures in this decision. Unless they have their child’s heart they will not ultimately have much influence in their decision, even if they think they should be able to. Parents don’t have a biblical right to impose marriage on their children and need to heed the scriptural warnings to not provoke their children to anger.
3. How can parents use their relationship with unbelieving adult children to hold out the gospel to them? Christian parents of unbelieving children have an opportunity to continuously hold out the gospel to them throughout the course of their life. They can surprise their children with love and grace rather than responding negatively to the hurt and disappointment that their children’s decisions have caused them. They can continue to hold out the truth as they seek to honor the Lord with their own lives. Rather than nagging, they can build relationships with their children and wait for opportunities when their counsel and opinion are invited. They can resist the urge to “honor their children” above God by compromising in areas that the Scripture forbids, but should sift carefully through what those situations are. It may be a long and difficult task, but can be seen as a wonderful opportunity as well.
Books Fitzpatrick, E., Newheiser, J, You Never Stop Being a Parent.
338
CDC 38
Knowing God’s Will Introduction: The Secret Things Belong to the LORD Our God, But the Things Revealed Belong to Us and to Our Sons Forever, That We May Observe All the Words of this Law. Deut 29:29
How Many Wills Does God Have? A. God’s moral (revealed) will. Deut 29:29b; 1 Thess 4:3; 5:18; Eph 5:17; 6:6; 1 Pet 2:15; Heb 13:21; 1 John 2:17; Rom 12:2; 2:18; Col 1:9; 4:12; Matt 7:21; 12:50; Mark 3:35; John 4:34; 7:17; Acts 13:22; 1 Tim 2:4; Psalm 40:8
1. This aspect of God’s will refers to His commands and His desires. • For this is the will of God, your sanctification.... 1 Thess 4:3
• For such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the ignorance of foolish men.
• Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Matt 7:21
• 1 Tim 2:4 He desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
2. Where do we learn of God’s moral will? 2 Tim 3:16-17. Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Ps 119:105
3. God’s revelation in Scripture is complete and infallible. Heb 1:1-2; Eph 2:20
1 Pet 2:15
339
2 ~ Knowing God’s Will
4. Anyone claiming new revelation must meet an exceedingly high standard. Deut 13:1-5; 18:18-22; 2 Pet 1:20-21
• What he predicts must come to pass perfectly in every detail.
• What he says must be in perfect harmony with previous revelation (Scripture).
5. People who claim supernatural guidance are claiming new revelation from God.
B. God’s sovereign will (His plan). Deut 29:29a; Eph 1:11; Rom 9:18-19, 22; 1:10; 15:32; 1 Cor 1:1; 4:19; 12:18; 2 Tim 1:1; Heb 10:9; 1 Pet 3:17; 4:19; Gal 1:4; Isa 53:10; 46:8-11; Acts 18:21; 2:23; 21:14; Jas 4:15; Ps 33:11; Matt 26:42; John 5:30; 6:38-40; Col 1:27; Prov 16:9; 19:21; Dan 4:35; Acts 17:26
1. This aspect of God’s will refers to His providentially working all things according to His perfect eternal purpose (decrees). Eph 1:11; Romans 8:28. Who works all things after the counsel of his will. • God has planned and decreed all things from eternity past. Isa 46:8-11
• He works all things according to His will in the present. “The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of His heart from generation to generation.” Ps 33:11
• He does whatsoever He pleases. “Our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases.” Ps 115:3.
340
Knowing God’s Will ~ 3
2. He is sovereign over any plans we make. “The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.” Prov 16:9. “I will come to you soon, if the Lord wills...” I Cor 4:19
3. God’s sovereign will allows and uses events which violate His moral will. Gen 50:20; Isa 53:10; Acts 2:23; 4:28; Luke 22:42. As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good... This man, delivered over by the predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God, you nailed to a cross by the hands of godless men...
4. How can you know God’s sovereign will?
C. We are to submit to every aspect of God’s will. Matt 6:10; Luke 22:42; John 4:34 1. We should desire to do His revealed will.
2. We should willingly embrace His sovereign will.
3. It is futile to resist Him. Ps 2:9-10; Dan 4:34-35
D. Does the Bible teach that God has a hypothetical “perfect” will beyond His revealed precepts and sovereign plan? 1. People express this as aiming for the center of God’s will: the bullseye.
2. They claim those who miss the bullsye have to settle for plan B.
341
4 ~ Knowing God’s Will
3. The Bible does not teach that any such hypothetical will of God exists.
4. God only has one plan: plan A. Rom 8:28
5. What is the harm of seeking a hypothetical “perfect” will of God? • People waste time and effort pursuing something which doesn’t exist.
• People neglect pursuit of God’s revealed will which is to guide their choices.
• People live with false regrets about legitimate choices they have made in accordance with God’s moral and sovereign will.
342
Knowing God’s Will ~ 5
Discussion (14:35) 1. What are the two ways the Bible talks about the will of God?
The Bible talks about God’s moral will. This is His revealed will as delineated in Scripture. The Bible also talks about God’s sovereign will. This is His plan that works all things together for His own purposes. Sometimes in God’s sovereign will He allows and uses events that violate His moral will. The crucifixion of Christ is an example of this as described in Acts 2:23.
2. How should we respond to God’s will? We should desire to do His revealed will and willingly embrace His sovereign will. We should not spend time trying to figure out His secret will, but rather pursue knowledge of His revealed will, which should guide our choices.
3. What are some of the dangers of seeking a hypothetical “perfect” will of God? Answers may include: This idea wrongly teaches that people can miss God’s plan and have to settle for plan B. This teaching is not in accordance with Scripture. People waste time and effort pursuing something which doesn’t exist rather than pursuing God’s revealed will to guide their choices, etc.
Should We Expect Supernatural Guidance?
A. The desire for supernatural guidance is not limited to believers. 1. Pagans also seek direction for the future.
2. Mystical pursuit of God’s secret things is explicitly forbidden in Scripture. Deut 18:9-12; Lev 19:26-31; Isa 47:33; 2 Kgs 17:16; Ezek 21:21
3. Some Christians try to pursue God’s will in a way which resembles paganism.
343
6 ~ Knowing God’s Will
B. In the Bible, supernatural guidance is unmistakable, authoritative, significant, and exceptional. 1. When God reveals Himself, He leaves no doubt.
2. God’s revelation comes with His full authority. Deut 13:1-5; 18:18-19; 2 Pet 1:20-21
3. God reveals Himself to key people at crucial points in the history of redemption.
4. The main characters in the Bible ordinarily operated upon the revelation they had already been given, rather than constantly seeking special guidance. Acts 15:36; 20:16; Phil 2:25-26;
2 Cor 2:12-13; Rom 15:20-24; 1 Thess 3:1-2
5. Now we have a complete Bible which equips us to make godly choices. 2 Pet 1:3ff
6. We are never told to seek or expect mystical supernatural guidance.
C. In what ways do Christians wrongly seek supernatural guidance? 1. Putting out a fleece. Judg 6:36-40 • Gideon had already received supernatural guidance and knew God’s moral will for his life. Judg 6:12-16
• Gideon’s desire for a sign was due to lack of faith.
344
Knowing God’s Will ~ 7
• The sign asked for was supernatural, not merely coincidental.
• Gideon’s act is never used in Scripture as an example for us to follow.
2. Casting lots (rolling dice, flipping a coin). Acts 1:15-26; Prov 18:18; 16:33; Heb 1:1-2 • Peter knowingly fulfilled Scriptural prophecy. Ps 69:25; 109:8
• Other apostles had been personally appointed by Jesus. Acts 1:2; Luke 16:13
• The field of candidates was narrowed from 120 to 2 using God’s revealed will. Acts 1:21b-22;
1 Cor 15:5-9
• This is the last recorded instance of guidance being sought in this way.
• How did the apostles select church elders? 1 Tim 3:1ff; Titus 1; Acts 14:23
3. Asking for signs from God. Matt 12:39; 16:4; 24:24; 1 Cor 1:22-23; 2 Cor 11:14 • A wicked generation seeks a sign.
• Satan can produce counterfeit miracles and lying signs.
345
8 ~ Knowing God’s Will
• We are never told to seek signs for guidance.
4. Open doors (circumstances). 1 Cor 16:8-9; 2 Cor 2:12-13; Jonah 1:1-3; 1 Sam 24:1ff • Not all open doors should be entered.
• Some open doors violate God’s revealed will. Jonah 1:3; 1 Sam 24:4-7
• All circumstances/open doors must be evaluated in light of Scripture.
5. Dreams and visions. Ezek 13:1-9; Dan 2; Gen 41
6. Relying upon feelings and impressions. Prov 14:12; 3:5-6; 28:26; Jer 17:9; Rom 8:14-16;
Gal 5:18; Prov 28:26; Eph 4:22; Jas 1:14
• Feelings and impressions are never identified as the leading of the Spirit.
• Scripture tells us to mistrust our feelings. Prov 14:12; 28:26; Jer 17:9
• Even conscience may be defiled, seared and evil. Titus 1:15; 2 Tim 4:2
346
Knowing God’s Will ~ 9
• Should we ever pay attention to our feelings?
7. Using Scripture texts out of context, “lucky dipping”. 2 Pet 3:16-17; 2 Tim 2:15
D. Some claim God speaks to them. 1. Amazingly, many cessationists (those who believe revelation has ceased) claim God gives them specific direction.
2. Does God speak to us in prayer?
3. If you claim God is speaking to you, you are claiming prophetic status and will be held to that standard. Deut 13:1ff; 18:18ff
347
10 ~ Knowing God’s Will
Discussion (36:53) 1. What are the characteristics of God’s supernatural guidance in the Bible?
When God reveals Himself He leaves no doubt. His revelation is unmistakable, authoritative, significant and exceptional. Even in the Bible the main characters ordinarily operate upon revelation they have already been given rather than constantly seeking special guidance.
2. What is an advantage that we have over all the characters in the Bible? We have the completed Scripture which equips us to make godly choices. 2 Pet 1:3.
3. How does Scripture speak to Christians asking for signs? The Scriptures never command us to ask for signs. In fact, Jesus says in Matt 12:39 that a wicked and perverse generation craves for signs. Paul also says in 1 Cor 1:22-23 that the unbelieving Jews asked for signs and the Greeks craved wisdom, but the apostles preached the message of Christ and Him crucified.
4. Why is it dangerous to claim you are the recipient of divine revelation? If you claim that God is speaking directly to you, you are claiming prophetic status. This means that the prophetic standard applies to you. The standard for this as described in Deut 13:1f and 18:18f is perfection or death.
E. Why is it wrong to seek mystical supernatural guidance? Deut 29:29 1. We sinfully want a level of knowledge, certainty and control over our decisions beyond what God offers us. Deut 29:29 Christian mysticism.
2. We don’t want to take responsibility for our decisions and their consequences.
3. We don’t want to trust God for the unknown future.
348
Knowing God’s Will ~ 11
F. What is the harm of seeking supernatural guidance? 1. Many claiming supernatural guidance have made unwise choices and have caused great harm to themselves and others.
2. People claiming supernatural guidance exercise great sway over others.
3. The guidance God offers in His infallible and all-sufficient Word is neglected.
4. People put themselves under bondage, experiencing unnecessary anxiety and delay over simple decisions. Gen 2:16-17
5. They fret over past decisions.
G. What about verses which speak of God guiding us? Jas 1:5; Prov 3:5-6; Ps 23; Eph 5:17; Col 1:9; Rom 12:2 1. These verses are not speaking about mystical guidance.
2. He guides us through His revealed Word which tells us how to live.
3. He directs us through providence as we see His perfect plan unfold.
349
12 ~ Knowing God’s Will
Discussion (43:04) 1. What are some of the sinful reasons that Christians seek mystical guidance?
Answers may include: We don’t want to trust God as we should, we want certainty and control over our lives, we don’t want to take responsibility for our decisions, etc.
2. What can be some of the harms of seeking supernatural guidance? Answers may include: making unwise choices, wrongfully influencing other people’s decisions, neglecting His Word, unnecessarily fretting over decisions, etc.
How Does God Guide You?
Ps 23; Prov 3:5-6
A. God guides you through His Word. Ps 119:24; 2 Tim 3:16-17; 2 Pet 1:3 Your testimonies are my delight. They are my counselors. 1. The Bible provides infallible and sufficient direction. 2 Tim 3:16-17; 2 Pet 1:3
2. How can you use the Bible to help you make decisions? Ps 1:2
3. Apply texts according to their meaning in context. 2 Tim 2:15
B. God guides you through wise counsel. Prov 15:22; 12:15; 19:20 Without consultation plans are frustrated, but with many counselors, they succeed... 1. Select your counselors carefully. Ps 1:1; 1 Kgs 12:1ff; Col 2:8; Heb 13:17; Titus 2:3-5
350
Knowing God’s Will ~ 13
2. Why is counsel necessary? Prov 28:26; 27:6
3. The job of a counselor is to help you to apply the Bible to your situation.
4. Counsel should be weighted, not merely counted.
5. Good Christian books can provide useful counsel.
C. God guides you through the Holy Spirit (The Counselor). Rom 8:14; John 16:13; 17:17; Eph 1:13 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 1. Nowhere is the leading of the Holy Spirit referred to as a feeling.
2. The Spirit of Truth gives you understanding of God’s Word: illumination. John 14:26; 16:13; 17:17; 1 Cor 2:12-14; Rom 12:2; Col 1:9
3. The Spirit helps you to apply the Word to your life. Ezek 36:27; Rom 8:4, 13; Jas 4:5; Gal 5:16ff; Ps 139:13-14; John 16:8
D. How does God guide you through prayer? Jas 1:5 1. Don’t expect a mystical answer to prayer.
351
14 ~ Knowing God’s Will
2. Don’t use prayer as an excuse for an irresponsible or selfish decision.
3. Pray that God will give you wisdom to apply the Bible to your situation. Ps 25:4-5; 119:12, 26, 33, 66, 73, 125; Prov 2:1-11; Phil 1:9-10; Col 1:9-10; Jas 1:5; 2 Tim 2:7 Make me know your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths...
4. Pray that God will give you the desire and ability to do His moral will. Phil 2:13
5. Pray that God will give you the grace to embrace His sovereign will. Jas 4:13ff
E. Is there any sense in which God guides you through feelings? Rom 5:1; 2 Cor 2:13 1. Feelings of peace or a lack of peace have causes which need to be understood.
2. You may lack peace because deep down you know you are doing wrong.
3. You may lack peace because you are very cautious or anxious by nature.
4. Your desires may also influence your decisions. 1 Tim 3:1; 1 Cor 7:39; Eccl 11:9
5. All feelings must be tested against the Word of God.
352
Knowing God’s Will ~ 15
F. God guides you through providence (circumstances) which reveals His sovereign will. Jas 4:13-17; Acts 18:21; Prov 16:9; 27:1; Rom 1:13; 1 Cor 4:19; Matt 6:10
1. You make your plans and decisions, but the Lord controls the outcome. The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps. Prov 16:9
2. He opens and closes doors.
3. Be careful not to mystically interpret all open and closed doors as signs from God.
Discussion (1:05:23) 1. How does God guide us?
God guides us through His word, through wise counsel, through the Holy Spirit who helps us to apply the Word to our life, as we prayerfully seek after wisdom, and through providence.
2. How can we better seek after God’s revealed will? Answers may include: study and learn the Scriptures, seek out wise counselors, evaluate your feelings and emotions in accordance with the Scriptures, etc.
3. How does the Holy Spirit lead us? Many people attribute their feelings to the leading of the Holy Spirit. The Bible never says that the Spirit leads us this way. Our feelings are subjective and can be corrupted by our own sinful desires. The work of the Spirit in leading us is not separate from the Word, but intricately connected with it. The Spirit illumines our minds to understand the Scriptures. He brings to mind the things we have learned. He helps us apply the Word to our lives.
353
16 ~ Knowing God’s Will
Will You Always Receive Clear Guidance From God on Every Decision? A. Some decisions are based upon direct commands of Scripture. 1 John 3:4; Jas 4:17
B. Many decisions are not as clear-cut, and must be made according to wisdom. 1. The Bible does not give you a specific answer for every situation. For example: • Should I marry? Whom should I marry?
• At what standard of living should I live?
• How much should I give to the Lord’s work? Through whom should I give?
• Where should I live?
• Which education should I pursue?
• What vocation should I select?
• Which church should I join?
354
Knowing God’s Will ~ 17
• Am I called to full-time ministry or missions work?
• How should I divide my time among church, family, and work?
2. Search the Scriptures to find principles of wisdom which apply. • Marriage. Gen 2:18-25; Prov 31; Eph 5:22ff; 1 Pet 3:1-7; 1 Cor 7:1ff
• Finances and giving. Rom 13:8; Prov 22:7; 1 Tim 6:9ff; Luke 14:28-29
• Giving. 2 Cor 8-9; 1 Cor 16:1-2; 1 Tim 6:17
• Location. Heb 13:17; 1 Tim 5:8
• Education and career. Prov 22:29; 12:11; 1 Cor 15:33
• Church. Heb 13:17; 1 Tim 3:1-7
• Call to ministry. 1 Cor 12:13; 1 Pet 4:10-11; 1 Tim 3:1ff; Titus 1:5ff
355
18 ~ Knowing God’s Will
• Priorities. 1 Cor 10:13
3. Often there will be biblical principles which weigh on both sides of a decision.
4. Questions to ask yourself. • What will bring the most glory to God? 1 Cor 10:31
• Are you motivated by a love of the world and the flesh, or by a love for God? 1 John 2:15-17
• Are you being sinfully expedient? Luke 14:27
• What will show love to others? Phil 2:3-4; 1 Cor 10:33; Rom 15:1
• Would this cause others to stumble? Rom 14:15
• What will contribute to your spiritual growth? 1 Cor 6:12 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable...
• What will best fit your gifts and abilities? Acts 6:2-3
356
Knowing God’s Will ~ 19
• What would Jesus do? 1 Pet 2:21; Rom 15:7-8; John 13:15
5. Sometimes it helps to make lists to weigh pros and cons.
C. Once you have examined the biblical reasons, you are free to consider your desires. 1 Cor 7:39; 1 Tim 3:1
1. Sometimes multiple choices will be within the realm of your freedom. Gen 2:16-17
2. You may choose according to your desire. 1 Cor 7:39
D. Once you make your decision, trust God for the outcome. Jas 4:13-17; 1 Cor 4:19 1. It is good to plan and to be decisive. Prov 21:5
2. But God directs your steps and determines the result. Prov 16:9; 27:1; Jas 4:13-17
3. Submit to His sovereign will as it is revealed to you. Acts 18:21; Rom 1:13
E. Rejoice as you look back upon His wonderful providence (leading) as He works out His plan for your life. Rom 8:28; Gen 50:20
357
20 ~ Knowing God’s Will
Concluding Summary
Discussion (1:18:12) 1. How can I make decisions when there is no clear-cut command from Scripture?
Many decisions in life are not guided by specific biblical commands and must be made according to wisdom. In these cases it is wise to search the Scriptures to find the biblical principles that apply. Sometimes there will be principles that support both sides of a decision and these will need to be weighed carefully. Once you have examined biblical principles you are also free to consider your own desires and gifting.
2. What are some good questions to ask yourself as you weigh your decisions? Answers may include: What will bring the most glory to God? Are you motivated by a love of the world and the flesh, or by a love for God? Are you being sinfully expedient? What will show love to others? What will contribute to your spiritual growth? What will best fit your gifts and abilities, etc.?
3. Ultimately what must be done with any and all decisions that we make? Ultimately we must trust God with the outcome for all the decisions we make. It is good to look back and see the ways that He has providentially cared for and guided us through past decisions, as well.
Books Friesen, Garry, Decision Making and the Will of God.
358
Section 3: Helps for Biblical Counselors
Appendix 1 IBCD Counseling Resources More resources available on www.ibcd.org
359
360
(Approximately) 100 “Go to” Texts for Biblical Counseling I.
General principles A. The Bible is infallible and sufficient for counseling. 2 Tim 3:16-17 B. Apply the gospel specifically to every problem. Phil 4:12 C. You and your counselee are totally dependent upon God for success. John 15:5
II.
Addressing various counseling problems A. Conflict resolution 1. Pursue peace. Matt 5:9 2. Listen carefully and listen to both sides. Prov 18:13,17 3. First address your own sin. Matt 7:3-5 4. Confront your erring brother in love. Gal 6:1-2 5. Be prepared to follow the steps of church discipline. Matt 18:15-20 6. Christians should not sue other Christians in secular courts. 1 Cor 6:1f 7. Even if you do all you can to seek resolution, you may not succeed. Rom 12:18 B.
Anger 1. Anger is murder. Matt 5:21-22 2. The cause of conflict is sinful desire. Jas 4:1-6 3. An angry person is dangerous. Prov 25:28
C.
Revenge 1. Don’t take your own revenge. Trust God to do what is right. Rom 12:19-21 2. Show love to your enemy. Matt 5:43-48
D.
Helping people who have been hurt by others (abused) 1. Bitterness is destructive. Heb 12:15 2. Joseph trusted God and thereby forgave his abusers. Gen 50:19-20
E.
Communication 1. The tongue is a fire. Jas 3:6f 2. Use your words to build up, not tear down. Don’t always say whatever is on your mind. Eph 4:29 3. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Jas 1:19-20 4. Focus on understanding the other person rather than upon being understood. Phil 2:3-4 5. A gentle answer turns away wrath. Prov 15:1
F.
Resisting temptation 1. God’s promise: you won’t be tempted beyond what you are able. 1 Cor 10:13 2. Joseph’s example. Gen 39:7-10
361
G.
H.
Lust 1. 2. 3. Fear 1. 2.
Lust in the heart is adultery. Matt 5:27-30 Flee lust. 2 Tim 2:22 You are responsible for what you think about. Phil 4:8-9 (also applies to fear, worry, depression, etc.) The fear of man brings a snare. Prov 29:25 Trusting in people is idolatry and will ruin you. Jer 17:5-8
I.
Worry 1. Trust God to meet your needs. Matt 6:25-34 2. Pray with thanksgiving. Phil 4:6-7
J.
Depression 1. Are you depressed because of your sin? Ps 32 2. The key to overcoming depression is not a change in your circumstances, but an increase in your faith. Phil 4:11-13
K.
Addictions 1. Addiction is seeking from some idol what God alone gives. Isa 55:1-2 2. The root problem is that some love pleasure more than they love God. 2 Tim 3:4 3. Substance abuse is sinful and destructive. Prov 23:29-35 4. “Co-dependents” make the addict their idol. Jer 17:5-8
L.
Facing trials and calamity 1. God sovereignly works all things together for good. Rom 8:28 2. God uses trials in your sanctification. Jas 1:2f 3. Nothing can separate you from God’s love in Christ. Rom 8:31-39
M.
Seeking forgiveness 1. From God. 1 John 1:8-10 2. From those you have wronged. Matt 5:23-24
N.
Granting forgiveness 1. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Eph 4:32 2. The story of the unmerciful servant. Matt 18:21-35
O.
Repentance 1. How can you tell if repentance is genuine? 2 Cor 7:9-11 2. An example of true repentance. Ps 51
P.
Presenting the gospel 1. We are saved not by keeping the law, but by Christ’s atoning death. Rom 3:20-26 2. Confess your sins. 1 John 1:8-2:2 3. The substitution of the Lamb of God for sinners. Isa 53:4-6
362
4. 5.
The thief on the cross as an example of salvation by grace. Luke 23:39-43 We are saved by grace alone through faith alone. Eph 2:8-9
Q.
Assurance of salvation 1. If you truly believe in the Lord Jesus, you have been born of God. 1 John 5:1 2. If you are one of Christ’s sheep, He keeps you safe. John 10:28-29 3. If you have no regard for God’s commandments you are still lost. 1 John 2:3-4 4. If you have no love for the brethren, you have not been born of God. 1 John 4:8-9
R.
Sanctification 1. The converted sinner is no longer to be labeled by his old deeds. 1 Cor 6:911 2. Consider your old nature dead and your new nature alive in Christ. Rom 6:11 3. The believer is a new person with a new nature. 2 Cor 5:17 4. God will work to sanctify you. Phil 1:6 5. You are responsible to put forth effort in your sanctification. Phil 2:12-13 6. Learn and apply the put off and put on dynamic. Eph 4:22-24 7. Christ saved us that we might do good works. Titus 2:14
S.
Church involvement 1. Regular attendance is mandatory. Heb 10:25 2. God wants you to commit (join), making yourself accountable to particular church leaders. Heb 13:17 3. Each of us is to serve. 1 Pet 4:10-11 4. Each of us is to give as God has prospered us. 1 Cor 16:2
T.
Work and employment 1. God’s design is that you work six days a week. Exod 20:9 2. Don’t be a sluggard. Prov 6:6-11 3. If someone refuses to work, he should not eat. 2 Thess 3:10 4. Serve God through your vocation. Eph 6:5-9
363
U.
Finances 1. Planning (budgeting) is wise. Prov 21:5 2. Acknowledge God’s sovereignty over your finances. Jas 4:13-17 3. God gives you the ability to earn. Deut 8:18 4. Avoid debt. Prov 22:7 5. Don’t make an idol of money, but store up treasure in heaven. Matt 6:19-21 6. The love of money leads to every other evil behavior. 1 Tim 6:10 7. Be generous with those in need. 1 Tim 6:17-19 8. Giving to the Lord’s work should be the first item in your budget. Prov 3:9 9. Pay your taxes. Matt 22:17-21
V.
Decision Making/Knowing God’s will 1. Wholeheartedly seek wisdom from God. Jas 1:5 (also see Prov 1-9). 2. Search for God’s moral will in the Bible. 2 Tim 3:16-17 3. Seek godly counsel. Prov 15:22 4. You can’t know God’s secret will. Deut 29:29 5. Submit your plans to God’s sovereign will. Prov 16:9 6. Trust God, that His way is best. Prov 3:5-6
W.
Integrity 1. Simply tell the truth. Matt 5:37 2. Lying destroys relationships. Eph 4:25
III. Family issues A. Marriage is divinely instituted 1. God’s design for marriage. Gen 2:18-23 2. God’s directive for marriage. Gen 2:24 B. The role of the husband 1. Loving. Eph 5:25-30 2. Understanding. 1 Pet 3:7 3. Serving. John 13:1f C. The role of the wife 1. Submission. Eph 5:22-24 2. Dealing with an unsaved husband. 1 Pet 3:1-6 (see context 2:21-25) D. Sex 1. All sex outside of marriage is wrong. Heb 13:4 (also see Gen. 2:24) 2. God wants us to be fruitful (have kids). Gen 1:28 3. Your sexuality belongs to your spouse. Don’t deprive him/her. 1 Cor 7:3-5 4. God wants married people to enjoy sex. Prov 5:18-19 (also Song of Solomon) E. Child training 1. The duties of children. Eph 6:1-3 2. The duties of parents. Eph 6:4 3. The necessity of discipline. Prov 19:18
364
F. Divorce 1. God hates divorce. Mal 2:16 2. What God has joined, let no man separate. Matt 19:5-6 3. Adultery is a ground for divorce (the other person broke the covenant). Matt 19:9 4. Abandonment by an unbeliever is a ground for divorce. 1 Cor 7:15 5. Don’t leave your unbelieving spouse or drive him/her away. 1 Cor 7:12
365
366
The Use of Audio Resources in Counseling by Jim Newheiser How often has a counselee begun a session by saying, “I’m really sorry that I didn’t read my homework assignment, Pastor. I really meant to, but didn’t have time this week. You see, I’m not much of a reader.” As our TV/video/internet generation becomes less and less literate, counselors will be hearing more of this excuse. Most pastors and counselors are avid readers and may tend to overestimate what others can handle. While there are certainly benefits to teaching a counselee to be self-disciplined and to appreciate great books, these may not be the fundamental issues to be addressed. In my counseling ministry, I have found audios such as CDs and mp3s to be very effective homework assignments. The Benefits of Using Audio Resources: 1. Audios Get Used. I have found a much higher percentage of listening assignments get done, as opposed to reading assignments. Many counselees who do not have the discipline to sit down and read a book (or even a pamphlet) are quite happy to listen to a CD. Here in Southern California most people spend a large percentage of their time on the road. Few drive without some sort of audio playing. Once an audio gets into their car, I have found that some counselees will listen to the same message again and again. Others, such as homemakers and those who do manual labor, are able to listen while they work. Better to hear the Word explained than to listen to three more hours of Rush Limbaugh! 2. Audios Benefit People with Particular Learning Styles. When homeschooling our children, we noticed that each of our sons had a different way of understanding material. One was able to retain what he read while another best remembered what he had heard. Many of your counselees will be auditory learners. 3. Audios Save Time in Counseling Sessions. Biblical counseling involves the same kind of instruction from the Word as preaching. Your limited time with the counselee can be used more effectively if on his own time he can listen to an mp3 containing your best instruction in a particular area. Then the session can be spent applying what he has heard to his particular situation and answering questions he may have. How to Get Started Using Audios: 1. Build a Library of Audios Which Deal with the Most Common Counseling Problems. In my “counseling box” I carry approximately 100 CDs on various topics and texts. Most of the audios are from my preaching ministry in our local church. A benefit of using your own CDs is that you are thoroughly familiar with their content. Also, you address the issue in the sermon in much the same way that you would in a private counseling session. If you haven’t preached on some common counseling subjects, this may help motivate you to address issues that would benefit many members in your congregation I found that preaching through the Sermon on the Mount was tremendously beneficial for building up my library of counseling audios. Of course, it is also of great benefit to collect sermons from eminently gifted preachers and counselors to deal with particular subjects. The internet has made this very possible, and many times popular speakers will do conferences on the material found in their books and then post the audio on the web for free. The IBCD website has many counseling messages that you can download for free, and they are categorized by speaker, topic, and event.
367
2. Prepare Homework Assignments to Go Along with the Audio. It is not enough merely to get a counselee to listen to an mp3. Homework must be given so that the counselor can ensure that the purpose for the achievement has been achieved. I usually pass out study outlines along with the CD. In addition I am working at preparing a printed list of questions to go with each audio. At a minimum, the “Tape Listening Assignment Questionnaire” could be given from Wayne Mack’s A Homework Manual for Biblical Counseling (volume 1, page 173). Conclusion: While audios are not a substitute for face-to-face counseling or being under the ministry of the Word, they can be a tremendous supplement. Before you give up on counselees who don’t do their reading assignments, try giving them some CDs to see if the Lord might use this means to apply His powerful and sufficient Word to their needs.
368
Homework Assignments Name: _______________________________________ Date: ______________ Initials: _________ 1.
Review Gospel facts.
2.
Personal devotions (ACTS, prayer, study)
3.
Family devotions (reading, discussion, prayer)
4.
Conference table (follow attached instructions) a. Joint prayer. b. Read Bible together (Ephesians 4:17-32). c. Work on Strengthening Your Marriage (Mack). d. Review day together. e. Add to “log list”.
5.
Church life a. Accountability b. Worship c. Teaching d. Service e. Fellowship
6.
Ask forgiveness from: ___________________________ for: ______________________
7.
Review pamphlet on:
8.
Read, memorize, and apply passage:
9.
Complete Discovering Problem Patterns log.
10.
Complete scheduling lists.
11.
Do Put Off/Put On exercise.
12.
Do Code of Conduct for children.
13.
Write personal essay (childhood, courtship, testimony).
14.
Bring spouse next time.
15.
Bring elder/pastor next time.
16.
Other:
369
370
Counselor’s Notes Name________________________________________ Date_____________ Session Number _______
Evaluation of Homework
Agenda
Drift of Session
Homework
______________________________________________________________________________ Evaluation of Session
Plans
371
Observer’s Organizer Observer _____________________________ Counselor ___________________________ Case Name __________________________________ Session # ____ Date ____________ Flow of the case
Principles Observed 1. 2. 3. 4. Questions for the Counselor 1. 2. 3. 4. Homework Assigned 1. 2. 3. 4. Projections and their Basis 1. 2. 3. 4. 372
Welcome to IBCD (please read carefully) Dear Friend, Welcome to IBCD. We know how hard it is to ask for help, and we understand that it takes courage, faith and humility to take that step. It is our prayer that the Lord will bless this initial step and our subsequent counseling sessions. Our mission at IBCD is two-fold. First, we seek to equip pastors, elders, seminary students and others to learn how to use the bible to counsel in their local churches. As a result of that mission, we often have one or two observers in the session with you taking notes on how to counsel biblically. These observers sign confidentiality forms and are instructed to pray each week for those that they observe. Secondly, we aspire to provide the highest quality, Christ-centered counseling to individuals and families who are hurting and in conflict. Forms: Your next step is to complete the attached forms. Please print out a set for each person seeking counsel and allow enough time to complete the forms thoroughly. Then, bring them with you for your scheduled time and be here approximately ten minutes early for the first appointment in order to process the forms and have them ready for the counselor. Costs/Donations: While you are not obligated to pay for the counseling you receive, we are in constant need of donations in order to continue to provide counseling for those in need. It costs us approximately $65.00 per hour to serve you, so we would ask that you prayerfully consider donating whatever you are able to afford each week. As God’s word says, “the worker is worthy of his wages” (Matt. 10:10). Your gifts are considered tax deductible as well. Since we are donation based, and not fee based, we don’t want to make the cost of counseling a hindrance for anyone seeking help. Resources: Besides the Bible, we may suggest that you listen to audios on our website or purchase CDs and/or books to help you deal with your particular problems. You are not obligated to purchase anything from us, but we attempt to sell the resources at our cost. Please bring either cash or check for these purchases; we prefer that method of payment over credit card, if possible. Childcare: We do not offer child care, so we ask that you obtain a babysitter for your children, but if that is not possible and your children are old enough and able to sit and/or play quietly in our nursery, you may ask us about that possibility beforehand. Feel free to call the office should you have any questions at this time. A map and directions of our location is attached for your use. Thank you. THE IBCD STAFF 373
How to Get the Most Out of Your Counseling (please read carefully) The counseling you will begin is Christian counseling. IBCD counselors are Christians who have had special training in the Scriptures and their application to life. What they say to you will not be based on the systems of men, or their own ideas. Their goal is to help you apply biblical principles to the particular problems with which you are struggling. This will help you now and will leave you with biblical guidelines for problem-solving for the rest of your life. Most of the problems that people have involve relationships. A person’s relationship to God is the most important one. Unless that relationship is right, nothing else in life can be altogether right. If you are uncertain about your relationship to Jesus Christ, your counselor will be glad to speak to you about it. The other problems that counselees have usually concern people. The Scriptures teach us how God can enable us to relate properly to Himself and to others. During the session, you and your counselor will talk about your relationship to God and to others. Because it is foundational to all that is being done in the counseling session, we suggest that you take time every day to read a portion of the Bible. We also urge you to do your homework regularly. Prayerfully ask God to give you the strength to do what you have been asked to do. Counseling is not magic that takes place during one hour, one day week. It is during the rest of the week that changes must take place. Within six weeks or so, your counselor is going to look for a definite change, and if there isn’t real change, he will want to evaluate the situation to discover the reason. If difficulties arise during the week: 1. Do NOT panic 2. Write about the problem, specifically but briefly a. Write what you have done about it b. Write what the outcome was and what led to that outcome 3. Bring this information to the next counseling appointment Counselors do not usually counsel on the telephone in between sessions. Advice given over the phone, without full consideration of all the circumstances, can be misleading. You need to sit down at a session to discuss the subject fully so that we can help you reach biblical decisions. Because of our small staff, we are not able to do crisis counseling, but if you have an urgent need to contact your counselor, call the office at 760-747-9252. If you ever find yourself in an emergency situation, please call your pastor, your doctor, or the police. When you leave each session, please see a staff member to schedule your next appointment. If you need to change or cancel an appointment, please call as soon as possible so that we can rearrange the counselor’s schedule. Since we are limited in our counseling hours available, we ask that you attempt to come to every session until finished. May God bless you as you strive, by His power to follow His Word. 374
Consent to Counseling Agreement (please read, initial, and sign) Our Goal: The purpose of biblical counseling is to help you meet the challenges of life in a manner which is pleasing and honoring to the Lord Jesus Christ. Our counseling is offered free of charge as a ministry of Grace Bible Church of North County, a California non-profit corporation. Counselees are welcome to make a donation to the ministry; however, this is not a required condition for counseling. You have no obligation, express or implied, to pay fees for the counseling you receive through IBCD; however, donations are appreciated and will help ensure that the ministry continues. It costs us about $65 for each hour of counseling provided. Biblical Basis: Counseling received through IBCD is strictly religious in nature and is conducted under the authority and leadership of Grace Bible Church of North County. We believe that the Bible, consisting of the Old and New Testaments, provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life (cf. II Timothy 3:16-17, II Peter 1:3-4). Our counseling is based solely on the principles of Scripture and does not employ the teachings or methods of modern psychology or psychiatry. Counselee Initials: Other Professional Advice: If you have significant medical, legal, financial, or other technical questions, you should seek the advice of a competent, independent professional. Our counselors will cooperate with such advisors and will help you consider their counsel in the light of biblical principles. We urge our counselees to properly care for their physical bodies and to seek medical treatment for all physiological problems. Our counselors will assist you in responding to such problems in a godly manner, but our counsel is not intended to replace the services of a qualified physician in the treatment of organic problems. Confidentiality: Confidentiality is an important part of the counseling process. As IBCD differs in some respects with traditional guidelines regarding confidentiality, we have developed a policy which specifically addresses this issue. Said policy is attached to, incorporated in and subject to the other provisions of this Consent to Counseling Agreement. Conflict Resolution – Arbitration: On rare occasions, a conflict may develop between a counselor and a counselee. The Bible commands that Christians make every effort to live in peace and to resolve disputes with each other in private or within the Christian Church
375
(cf. Matthew 18:15-20; I Corinthians 6:1-8), without involvement of the secular courts. Therefore, in order to ensure faithfulness to this biblical principle, we require all counselees to agree that any claim or dispute arising under, out of, in connection with, or relating to, the counseling received at IBCD or any dispute with a counselor thereof, or with the Grace Bible Church of North County, shall be settled by biblically-based mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration in accordance with the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation ( a copy of which is available on request). The arbiters will be the elders of Grace Bible Church of North County. If one or more elders of Grace Bible Church of North County is a party to the dispute, then the three arbiters will be selected from the elders of churches in the Fellowship of Independent Reformed Evangelicals (nationwide), with each party to the dispute choosing one arbiter, and the two arbiters then selecting the third. It is expressly understood that, by consenting in advance to arbitration, the counselee is waiving his right to trial in the civil courts. Counselee Initials: Cancellation Policy: We do not charge for counseling, but we do charge if you do not show up for an appointment. We would appreciate a 24 hour notice to let us know you will not be able to make your appointment. If that happens, we will not schedule you for another appointment until we receive a check for $30. The reason we must do this is that some of our counselors travel a long distance to get here. Their time is valuable and we want to be sure not to waste it. The simple way to avoid this problem is to call and change your appointment as soon as you know you will not be able to keep it. Thank you for your cooperation. Counselee Initials: Having clarified the principles and policies of our counseling ministry, we welcome the opportunity to minister to you in the name of Christ and to be used by Him as He helps you grow in spiritual maturity and prepares you for usefulness in His body. If you have any questions about these guidelines, please speak with your counselor. Your signature below indicates your informed consent to these guidelines.
Print Name: Signature: Date:
376
Confidentiality Policy (please read and sign) The Board, Director and staff of the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship, hereinafter IBCD, understand that confidentiality is an important and vital aspect of the counseling relationship. To that end, IBCD and its representatives agree to carefully guard the information entrusted to them by counselees to the fullest extent possible. Staff members and students participating in the IBCD program are expected to protect the information they receive in order to ensure the integrity of the counseling process and the privacy of the counselee. Should a counselor or student fail to protect said information, it may become necessary for them to be dismissed from service in the IBCD program. Under certain circumstances, however, it may be necessary to reveal information obtained in the counseling process in order to uphold the principles of Scripture, the standards of Grace Bible Church of North County, and/or the laws of the state of California. IBCD does not hold to the legal concepts of the priest/penitent, doctor/ patient, psychotherapist/patient or counselor/ counselee privileges. Situations wherein it may become necessary to reveal otherwise confidential information include, but are not limited to: 1. Where a counselee, although encouraged to renounce a particular sin refuses to do so, it may become necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to encourage repentance and reconciliation in accordance with the Scriptures (cf. Proverbs 15:22, 24:11; Matthew 18:15-20). In said cases, only such information as is necessary to deal with that particular sin will be revealed. Further, said information will only be revealed to those biblically required to be involved. To that end, it may become necessary to contact the pastor and/or other elders of a counselee’s home church. 2. Counselors, uncertain as to how a particular issue should be addressed, may reveal necessary information to and seek assistance from another counselor or pastor. 3. Where a counselee threatens to harm himself/herself or another person, it may become necessary to notify the proper legal authorities, family members, pastor, intended victim or all of the above. If the counselee makes such threats in the context of a counseling session, the Counselor will, upon receiving the information, consult with another IBCD Counselor and/or the Director, if such is available, who will work with them to assess the situation and assist in making the appropriate notifications, if necessary. 4. If a counselor is privy to evidence that abuse or some other crime has been or is about to be committed, it may be necessary to reveal such to the legal authorities.
377
5. IBCD recognizes that in the course of the loving discipline of their children, Christian parents may employ corporal punishment, in accordance with the teachings of Scripture and, in conformity with those Scriptures, IBCD supports a parent’s right to do so. However, if in the course of counseling, the Counselor suspects that a minor child has been physically or sexually abused, the Counselor will immediately consult with another IBCD Counselor and/ or the Director who will assist in the assessment of the situation. If it is then suspected that abuse has occurred, the legal authorities will be contacted. If no other counselor is available and a child is in imminent danger of being abused, the Counselor will contact the appropriate legal authorities without employing the above consultation process. 6. Observers, including but not limited to, counseling students, may sit in on counseling sessions, either to assist in the counseling process or for training purposes. 7. All observers and counselors agree to be bound by this confidentiality agreement and should they be found to be in violation of this agreement understand they face expulsion from the IBCD counseling program by the IBCD Director. I have read and understand the above Confidentiality Policy and agree to be bound by its terms. Dated:
Signed:
378
PERSONAL DATA INVENTORY (Confidential*) Today's Date__________ Name_____________________________________________________ Cell Phone ( ) ________________ Home Phone ( ) _____________ Email address ______________________________________________ Address___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Place of employment__________________________________________________ Work Phone ( )____________________ Sex___ Birth Date________ Age_____ Marital Status: Single__ Married__ Going Steady__ Separated__ Widowed__ Divorced__ Education (last year completed):____ Degrees or certificates:__________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Other training:_______________________________________________________ Referred here by:_____________________________________________________ HEALTH INFORMATION: Rate your health (check): Very good__ Good__ Average__ Declining__ Poor__ Weight changes recently: Lost__ Gained__ (number of pounds) List all important present or past illnesses or injuries or handicaps: ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ Date of last medical examination:_________________________________________ Report:______________________________________________________________ Physician's name and address:____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ Are you presently taking medication? Yes__ No__ If yes, list__________________ ____________________________________________________________________ Have you ever been arrested? Yes__ No__ (We want to make sure that any serious incidents in your past have been dealt with in a biblical manner.) When? ________________________ State circumstances:____________________________________________________ If the counselor believes that it would be helpful to see your social, psychiatric or medical reports, would you be willing to sign a release of information form? Yes___ No___ * All information provided on this form will be kept confidential in the same manner as that disclosed during counseling sessions. Please see our Confidentiality Policy. 379
RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND: Denominational preference:____________________________________________ Membership:________________________________________________________ Church attendance per month (circle): 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10+ Church attended in childhood___________________________________________ Religious background of spouse (if married)_______________________________ Do you believe in God? Yes__ No__ Uncertain__ Do you pray to God? Never__ Occasionally__ Often__ Are you saved? Yes__ No__ Not sure what you mean___ Have you been baptized? Yes___No___ At what age? ____ How frequently do you read the Bible? Never__ Occasionally__ Often__ Do you have regular family devotions? Yes__ No__ Explain any recent changes in your religious life:____________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ MARRIAGE AND FAMILY INFORMATION: Name of spouse:_______________________________________________________ Address (if different)__________________________________________________ Phone___________________ Occupation____________ Business phone_________ Spouse's age___ Education (in years)_______ Religion_______________________ Is your spouse willing to come for counseling? Yes__ No__ Uncertain__________ Have you ever been separated? Yes__ No__ When?_________________________ Has either of you ever filed for divorce? Yes__ No__ When?________________ Date of marriage______________________________________________________ Your ages when married: Husband___ Wife___ How long did you know your spouse before marriage?________ Length of dating with spouse:________ Length of engagement:__________ Give brief information about any previous marriages:_______________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Information about children: PM* Name Age Sex Living? Education Marital Status ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ *Check this column if child is by a previous marriage.
If you were reared by anyone other than your parents, briefly explain: ___________________________________________________________________ How many older brothers___ Sisters___ do you have? How many younger brothers___ Sisters___ do you have? Have there been any deaths in the family during the last year? Yes__ No__ 380 Who and when:________________________________________________________
PERSONALITY INFORMATION: Have you ever used drugs for other than medical purposes? Yes__ No__ What:______________________________________________________________ When: _____________________________________________________________ Have you ever had a severe emotional upset? Yes__ No__ Explain:____________________________________________________________ Have you ever had any psychotherapy or counseling before? Yes__ No__ If yes, list dates: ____________________________________________________________________ What was the outcome?____________________________________________________________ Circle any of the following words that best describe you now: active ambitious self-confident persistent nervous hardworking impatient impulsive moody often-blue excitable imaginative calm serious easy-going shy good-natured introvert extrovert likable leader quiet hard-boiled submissive self-conscious lonely sensitive other__________________________ Have you ever had hallucinations? Yes__ No__ Do you have problems sleeping? Yes__ No__ How many hours of sleep do you average each night?____
PASTORAL INFORMATION: Pastor’s Name ____________________________ Phone ______________________ Church Name ________________________________ Phone ___________________ Church Address ___________________________________________ Zip ________ Permission to consult with pastor as deemed helpful by counselor: Yes ____ No ____
381
BRIEFLY ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS
1. What is your problem? (What brings you here?)
2. What have you done about it?
3. What do you want us to do? (What are your expectations in coming here?)
4. What brings you here at this time?
5. Is there any other information we should know?
382
Appendix 2 CDC Documents For the most updated information please see www.ibcd.org/cdc
383
384
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 1 Exam Version 1d
Instructions These are open Bible, open note exams. The purpose is not to be exhaustive, but to demonstrate that you understand the material as presented in The Basics of Biblical Counseling Course and can rightly apply the Scriptures to these issues. Please make sure your name is included on your answers to this exam. Short Answer These six questions should be answered in about 250 words each, which is approximately half of a single-spaced, typed page. 1. What are the unscriptural presuppositions of psychology?
2. Why is calling sins a disease (such as calling drunkenness “alcoholism”) a problem when trying to counsel biblically?
3. What does it mean that the Bible is “sufficient” for counseling?
4. Explain the appropriate boundaries of confidentiality in biblical counseling/discipleship.
5. Explain how to use both the indicative (what God has done for us) and the imperative (what God commands us to do) in counseling.
6. Summarize how you would help someone understand trials biblically using James 1:2-8.
385
Case Studies • These four questions should be answered in about 500 words each, which is approximately ¾ of a single-spaced, typed page. This cannot be comprehensive but should cover the most important aspects of biblical counsel. • Answers can be in bullet point format or prose. • The percentages indicate the approximate proportion of your answer. This is just a helpful guide, not an exact requirement. • Answer the questions according to the information that should be conveyed in each situation. Your answers can reflect the assumption that the counselor is the appropriate gender for the scenario. 7. Mary is worried about many things: her husband may lose his job, one of her children may have a serious learning disability, and her father is very sick and may die. a. What questions should be asked of her? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be given to Mary? (25%) 8. John is struggling with depression. He has been unable to sleep at night. He has no energy during the day. He does not want to go on living. a. What questions should be asked of him? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be given to John? (25%) 9. Sam, a 16-year-old boy who helps in your church’s mid-week children’s program is having a terrible time struggling with lust. Sometimes he looks at pornography. He has a girlfriend. a. What questions should be asked of him? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be given to Sam? (25%) 10. Phil and Jane had a major fight three nights ago. Phil was late getting home and did not call to let Jane know. When he did arrive, she blew up at him and he became angry as well. They both said hurtful words to each other. a. What questions should be asked of them? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be given? (25%)
386
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 1 Leader Interview Instructions These questions are to be asked to you by a leader in your church who works closely with the pastoral care and discipleship of the congregation. There is no “grade” for these questions, but they are a guide to ensure that your church is aware of what God has been teaching you and how you may be useful to the local body of believers. Be sure to have your church leader sign and date this form when completed. It will be turned in with your CDC Level 1 Application. 1. What are some concepts that you have found helpful in the Care & Discipleship training? 2. What life-experiences have you had that the Lord may use as you help others? 3. Read 1 Timothy 3:1-7. While these are qualifications for elders, the characteristics listed are exemplary for all Christians. In light of those qualifications, what are your strengths and weaknesses at this time? 4. How do you hope to continue to grow in your ability to care for and disciple other believers? 5. What types of needs or situations do you have a particular desire to help?
Applicant’s name: ________________________________________________________ Church Leader’s name: ____________________________________________________ Church Leader’s signature: _________________________________________________ Date of interview: ______________________
387
388
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 1 Application Instructions This application is to be submitted upon completion of the requirements for Level 1 Certification. Upon satisfactory completion you will be issued a Level 1 Certification. Registration Information First name: ________________________
Last name: _________________________
Address: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Email: _________________________________________________________________ Phone number: __________________________________ Church name: ___________________________________________________________ Church address: __________________________________________________________ Certification Requirements 1. Instruction I have listened to the CDC Level 1 course in its entirety. ________ (applicant’s initials) I completed this instruction via G mp3 G DVD G video download
G other: ___________________
2. Exam I have completed the Level 1 Exam and am submitting it G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) G I would like to take this exam orally (extra charge applies)
389
Certification Requirements continued 3. Electives I have listened to the following 3 IBCD electives: 1. ________________________________________________________________ 2. ________________________________________________________________ 3. ________________________________________________________________ 4. Interview I have completed the Leader Interview and am submitting the signed form G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) 5. Application payment I am paying the $75 application fee by G check (enclosed – made payable to IBCD) G credit card (complete credit card information on the next page) Certification Information 1. I would like my name to appear as follows on my certificate: _____________________________________________________ 2. I am submitting a picture of myself G digitally (emailed to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (enclosed)
For Office Use Only G Registration info entered
G Electives completed
G Instruction completed
G Interview completed
G Exam received
G Payment received
G Exam passed
G Certificate issued G Picture received
390
CDC Level 1 Credit Card Payment Form
Applicant’s name: __________________________________________________ Name on card: _____________________________________________________ Card type:
G Visa
G Mastercard
G Discover
Card number: _________________________________________________ Expiration date: ___/____
Billing Address Zip Code: ____________
I authorize IBCD to charge $75 to my credit card _____________________________________________________________ (signature)
391
392
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 2 Exam Version 2b
Instructions These are open Bible, open note exams. The purpose is not to be exhaustive, but to demonstrate that you understand the material as presented in The Basics of Biblical Counseling Course and can rightly apply the Scriptures to these issues. Please make sure your name is included on your answers to this exam. Short Answer These seven questions should be answered in about 250 words each, which is approximately half of a single-spaced, typed page. 1. What are three keys to good marital communication? 2. In what ways is a wife’s submission not absolute?
3. In what situations is divorce biblically permitted? List some examples of more difficult divorce scenarios. 4. In what ways does the gospel shape one’s parenting? 5. Briefly describe the 4 main aspects parents should focus on when their children rebel. 6. Summarize what you would say to someone who asked you if Christians can take medication for emotional struggles. 7. Explain the difference between the moral and sovereign aspects of God’s will.
393
Case Studies: • These three questions should be answered in about 500 words each, which is approximately ¾ of a single-spaced, typed page. This cannot be comprehensive but should cover the most important aspects of biblical counsel. • Answers can be in bullet point format or prose. • The percentages indicate the approximate proportion of your answer. This is just a helpful guide, not an exact requirement. • Answer the questions according to the information that should be conveyed in each situation. Your answers can reflect the assumption that the counselor is the appropriate gender for the scenario. 8. Amy and Ferdinand come to you for counseling. Ferdinand has been unfaithful to Amy. He says that he is sorry. Amy is not sure that she can forgive Ferdinand and may want to leave him. a. What questions should be asked of them? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be helpful for each of them? (25%) 9. Jun and his wife Sally have come to you because he has a problem with drinking and gambling. Sometimes when he has been drinking he is verbally or even physically abusive. He and his wife are members of your church and have been hiding this behavior. a. What questions should be asked of them? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be helpful for each of them? (25%) 10. Bob and Sue are having trouble with their teenage son. He has recently been caught smoking marijuana. They just don’t understand why he is doing this when they tried so hard to raise him well. Bob wants to crack down on him and whip him into shape. Sue wants to take a gentler approach and does not want to drive him away. a. What questions should be asked of them? (25%) b. What counsel (including indicatives and imperatives) should be given from Scripture? (50%) c. What homework could be helpful for each of them? (25%)
394
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 2 Leader Interview Instructions These questions are to be asked to you by a leader in your church who works closely with the pastoral care and discipleship of the congregation. There is no “grade” for these questions, but they are a guide to ensure that your church is aware of what God has been teaching you and how you may be useful to the local body of believers. Be sure to have your church leader sign and date this form when completed. It will be turned in with your CDC Level 2 Application. 1. What are some concepts that you have found helpful in the Level 2 training? 2. How have you been able to use the Care & Discipleship training in your own life or in the lives of others? 3. How do you plan to continue to grow in your ability to care for and disciple other believers? 4. What types of needs or situations do you have a particular desire to help? 5. How can I as a leader help you more effectively minister to others?
Applicant’s name: ________________________________________________________ Church Leader’s name: ____________________________________________________ Church Leader’s signature: _________________________________________________ Date of interview: ______________________
395
396
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 2 Application Instructions This application is to be submitted upon completion of the requirements for Level 2 certification. Upon satisfactory completion you will be issued a Level 2 Certification. Registration Information First name: ________________________
Last name: _________________________
Have you had any contact information changes since completing Level 1? G Yes G No If yes, please indicate changes below Address: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Email: _________________________________________________________________ Phone number: __________________________________ Church name: ___________________________________________________________ Church address: __________________________________________________________ Certification Requirements 1. Instruction I have listened to the CDC Level 2 course in its entirety. ________ (applicant’s initials) I completed this instruction via G mp3 G DVD G video download
G other: ___________________
2. Exam I have completed the Level 2 Exam and am submitting it G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) G I would like to take this exam orally (extra charge applies)
397
Certification Requirements continued 3. Electives I have listened to the following 3 IBCD electives: 1. ________________________________________________________________ 2. ________________________________________________________________ 3. ________________________________________________________________ 4. Interview I have completed the Leader Interview and am submitting the signed form G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) 5. Application payment I am paying the $75 application fee by G check (enclosed – made payable to IBCD) G credit card (complete credit card information on the next page)
Certification Information 1. I would like my name to appear as follows on my certificate: _____________________________________________________
For Office Use Only G Registration info entered
G Electives completed
G Instruction completed
G Interview completed
G Exam received
G Payment received
G Exam passed
G Certificate issued
398
CDC Level 2 Credit Card Payment Form
Applicant’s name: __________________________________________________ Name on card: _____________________________________________________ Card type:
G Visa
G Mastercard
G Discover
Card number: _________________________________________________ Expiration date: ___/____
Billing Address Zip Code: ____________
I authorize IBCD to charge $75 to my credit card _____________________________________________________________ (signature)
399
400
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 3 Required Reading Form
Instructions Level 3 requires interacting with biblical counseling texts which will be helpful in the care and discipleship of people within the local church. Please read the 2 required reading books and write a response paper for each one. The response papers can be submitted in hard copy or emailed when the Level 3 Application is submitted. Required Reading Texts 1. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004). 2. Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, (Philipsburg: P&R, 2002). Reading Response Papers For each of the required reading texts, submit a 2½ – 3 page reading response which includes the following three subjects: 1. Explain in summary form what this book is about. What is the author trying to convince you of and why? 2. Explain areas of agreements and/or disagreement that you have with specific concepts in this book. 3. Explain how this article contributes to your understanding of how to care for and disciple people in the local church. The paper should be typed in regular 12 point font and double-spaced with 1” margins. Be sure to address the three subjects mentioned above. This is not a book report where one simply summarizes the book: it is a response paper which requires you to interact with the book’s content.
401
402
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 3 Counseling Observation Form Instructions Level 3 requires at least 10 hours of observing a NANC certified biblical counselor to see biblical counseling principles in practice. Submit a completed Observation Log and Reflection Paper to complete this part of Level 3 certification. Ways to Observe Biblical Counseling The following list explains the 3 ways that the 10 hour requirement can be accomplished. One may choose do any of the following or a combination thereof. 1. Participate in IBCD counseling observation at one of our counseling offices in Southern California. 2. Find a NANC certified counselor in your area by searching the NANC website. 3. If neither of these options works for your situation, you may meet this requirement by watching observation DVDs. There are two DVD sets currently available and either one enables you to complete the 10 hours. • Portraits of Biblical Counseling by Biblical Counseling Center in Arlington Heights, IL. • Biblical Counseling Observations by Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries in Lafayette, IN. Observation Log Record each hour of your biblical counseling observation hours on the Counseling Observation Log (next page). The completed form can be sent in hard copy or emailed when the Level 3 Application is submitted. Observation Response Paper Once you have completed the 10 hours of counseling observation, write a 2½ – 3 page response which includes the following subjects: 1. What was your overall impression of the biblical counseling process? 2. Was there anything about the counseling that was surprising to you? 3. What did you observe that you think will really benefit you in your counseling interactions with others? 4. When you think about helping others in your church, in what areas do you feel you still need to be better equipped? The paper should be typed in regular 12 point font and double-spaced with 1” margins. The completed form can be sent in hard copy or emailed when the Level 3 Application is submitted.
403
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Counseling Observation Log First name: ________________________
Date
Last name: _________________________
NANC Certified Counselor
Length of meeting
Total
404
Cumulative Total
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 3 Leader Interview Instructions These questions are to be asked to you by a leader in your church who works closely with the pastoral care and discipleship of the congregation. There is no “grade” for these questions, but they are a guide to ensure that your church is aware of what God has been teaching you and how you may be useful to the local body of believers. Be sure to have your church leader sign and date this form when completed. It will be turned in with your CDC Level 3 Application. 1. How has your understanding of helping people changed throughout the Care & Discipleship certification process? 2. What did you learn from the Counseling Observation process? 3. In what areas would you like to continue to grow in your ability to help and care for others? 4. Are there particular areas of personal growth in your own life that I should be aware of, particularly in light of 1 Tim 3:1-7? 5. What are you most excited about now that you have completed this training?
Applicant’s name: ________________________________________________________ Church Leader’s name: ____________________________________________________ Church Leader’s signature: _________________________________________________ Date of interview: ______________________
405
406
IBCD Care & Discipleship Certification Level 3 Application Instructions This application is to be submitted upon completion of the requirements for Level 3 certification. Upon satisfactory completion you will be issued a Level 3 Certification. Registration Information First name: ________________________
Last name: _________________________
Have you had any contact information changes since completing Level 2? G Yes G No If yes, please indicate changes below Address: _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Email: _________________________________________________________________ Phone number: __________________________________ Church name: ___________________________________________________________ Church address: __________________________________________________________ Certification Requirements 1. Required reading I have completed reading The Peacemaker and Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands. ________ (applicant’s initials) I have completed the Reading Response Paper and am submitting it G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application)
407
Certification Requirements continued 2. Counseling Observation I have completed the Counseling Observation Log and am submitting it G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) I have completed the Observation Response Paper and am submitting it G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) 3. Interview I have completed the Leader Interview and am submitting the signed form G electronically via email (sent to
[email protected]) G as a hard copy (included with this application) 4. Application payment I am paying the $75 application fee by G Check (enclosed – made payable to IBCD) G Credit card (complete credit card information on the next page)
Certification Information 1. I would like my name to appear as follows on my certificate: _____________________________________________________
For Office Use Only G Registration info entered
G Observation response completed
G Required reading completed
G Interview completed
G Reading response completed
G Payment received
G Observation Log completed
G Certificate issued
408
CDC Level 3 Credit Card Payment Form
Applicant’s name: __________________________________________________ Name on card: _____________________________________________________ Card type:
G Visa
G Mastercard
G Discover
Card number: _________________________________________________ Expiration date: ___/____
Billing Zip Code: _______
I authorize IBCD to charge $75 to my credit card _____________________________________________________________ (signature)
409
410
Appendix 3 NANC Documents For the most updated information please see www.nanc.org
411
412
Why should YOU consider NANC certification? The rigors of NANC Certification help you to:
“Present yourselves approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). Increase your effectiveness in ministering God‟s Word to hurting people. Grow spiritually by doing some reading, studying, and thinking that probably would not get done without some structure. Identify with others who are committed to the sufficiency of Christ and His Word in solving life's non-organic problems. Be part of a national referral network of biblical counselors.
Before You Begin Before beginning the certification process read the following to confirm that your personal theological views and those of your church align with NANC‟s views: NANC‟s Statement of Faith http://nanc.org/About_Us/Statement_Of_Faith.aspx Theological Considerations (located in the menu on the right http://nanc.org) Policies and Procedures http://nanc.org/About_Us/Policies_and_Procedures.aspx Standards of Conduct http://nanc.org/About_Us/Standards_of_Conduct.aspx If you have any questions please email
[email protected] or call 317-337-9100
The Three Phases of NANC Certification The NANC certification process can be confusing if you do not have a good understanding of what is required. This document is designed to help you gain that understanding. All of the documents mentioned below can be found on our website in the Application Packet. Keep this on hand as you work through the process to help ensure you meet the requirements. Applicants from The Master's College and Seminary or The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary M.A.B.C. programs should have received NANC procedures from your school. You can also contact the NANC office for guidelines on how to proceed.
413
Rev. 7/10
Phase 1 – Training 1. Complete the Basic Training Course which covers the topics required by NANC. This training is to take place through a NANC Certified Training Center (http://nanc.org/Trainingcenters.aspx) or by taking Fundamentals of Biblical Counseling at one of the Counseling and Discipleship Trainings. For a calendar of upcoming CDT‟s go to http://nanc.org/Conferences/Conference_Listing.aspx. Those that are open for registration are listed on the home page under NANC Events http://nanc.org. 2. Complete a minimum of 10 hours of counseling observation of a NANC certified counselor. This can be done in person or by purchasing the DVD sets available. You can find a list of certified counselors on the web page (http://nanc.org/Directory.aspx) , or contact the NANC office to learn more about the video. Complete the Observation Log and submit it with your Application Packet. 3. A reading requirement of 1,000 pages from recommended reading list, 300 of which should be from theology text(s).
Phase 2 – Exams and Application 1. Obtain an Application Packet from the website at www.NANC.org. Be sure to read FAQ, taking note of the formatting requirements.
2. Complete the NANC Theological and Counselor‟s exams. These are open-book, essay form exams. You can work on them at your own pace. Be sure to site your references after each answer. Please write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee, defining all terms clearly and precisely. 3. Complete the remaining documents in the Application Packet. Each of these must be received in the NANC office before your exams can be sent to a grader. 4. Email your completed exams (in Microsoft Word format) to
[email protected], and mail your Application Packet to the NANC office with your $75 application fee. 5. Once you have passed your exams and have been cleared by the NANC office, you will be free to contact a NANC Fellow and begin your supervision.
Phase 3 – Supervision Counseling 1. You are required to satisfactorily complete 50 hours of supervised counseling with a NANC Fellow during this phase. The 50 hours must be completed within one year of the date you passed your exams. At least 10 of these hours must be with the same counselee. 2. You will be given a list of NANC Fellows once you pass your exams. No hours will count toward supervision until you have received the letter stating you are cleared for supervision, by the NANC office. 3. Supervision is usually done via email and telephone. You will fill out the Case Report Form (in the Application Packet) for each counseling session and email it to your Fellow. You will then call at an appointed time to review your counseling case(s). 4. Case Report Forms will need to be submitted to your supervisor before your appointed phone call in order to allow sufficient time for your supervisor to review your cases. - Your supervisor will also expect to listen to a minimum of 5 audio recordings of your counseling sessions (preferably, early in your counseling). - After you have completed 50 hours of counseling with which your supervisor is satisfied, he will notify the NANC office and submit a recommendation for membership.
414
Rev. 7/10
Membership 1. Once you have completed your Supervised Counseling, your supervisor will notify the NANC office and make a recommendation for membership.
2. You will pay your membership dues and sign a Membership Covenant. 3. Once we receive these, we will send you your official certificate (suitable for framing), and you will be added to the list of members on the NANC website.
4. You will be publicly recognized as a new NANC Member at the next Annual Conference. 5. As a NANC member you will receive discounts to NANC events and will be invited to a „Members Only‟ reception at the Annual Conference. For more information, including access to all the documents mentioned above, download our Application Packet.
415
Rev. 7/10
1
Frequently Asked Questions and Instructions Application Packet Certification Overview
The following questions are discussed in this document: 1. How do I get started, and how long does it take? 2. What is the next step after my training is complete? 3. How should the exams be formatted? 4. Can I work on my exams with someone else? 5. What are the other items in the Application Packet? 6. How do I locate a NANC Fellow for supervision? 7. Can my spouse and I counsel together for supervision? 8. How long do I have to get the required 50 hrs of supervision done? 9. How much does it cost to become certified? 10. Once I finish my fifty hours of supervised counseling, what’s next?
1. How do I get started, and how long does it take?
Before you begin the certification process, you should read the following documents to confirm that your personal theological views and those of your church align with NANC’s views: Statement of Faith Theological Considerations in the menu on the right Policies and Procedures Standards of Conduct
How long it takes to complete the process is different for each person. It is influenced by how much time you put into it weekly and how much theological and counseling training you have received. It is realistic to complete the process in one year, once you have completed the NANC-certified basic training course. It might be helpful to follow the Sample Schedule located in the Application Packet.
The first step, after determining if you and your church agree with NANC’s views, is to complete the Basic Training Course which covers the topics required by NANC. This training is to take place through a NANC Certified Training Center. NANC also conducts 5 training conferences each year in 5 different cities across the United States.
Revised 3/6/12 416
2
Applicants from certified M.A.B.C. programs should have received NANC procedures from your school. You can also contact the NANC office for those procedures at
[email protected].
2. What is the next step after my training is complete?
Once you have completed your training, you can begin your observation, exams, and your reading.
Observation-- the Observation Log is located in the Application Packet. You can locate a NANC-certified counselor in your area or purchase a DVD series to meet our observation requirements.
You can purchase an approved DVD series from the following organizations: Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries, Lafayette, IN Biblical Counseling Center, Arlington Heights, IL Effectiveness Resources, Indianapolis, IN (317)337-9100 You are required to observe a NANC-certified counselor a minimum of ten hours, but any additional time you spend observing will be beneficial. Plan to have your observation requirements completed by the time you have completed your exams. Fill out the Observation Log as you are observing. Be sure to provide all of the information on the Log as requested. Notice that it asks for the counselor’s name NOT the name of the DVD series. The name of the counselor must be given so that it can be checked to see if he/she is NANC certified. Please list each session on its own line. You need to list only the 10 required hours.
Reading Requirements-- the Approved Reading List and Reading Log are located in the Application Packet. There is a reading requirement of 1,000 pages from the Approved Reading list, 300 of which should be from theology text(s). This can be done during the training and as you are taking the exams. The log should be emailed/mailed along with the rest of the Application Packet.
Exams- The exams are located in the Application Packet. There is a theology exam and a counselor’s exam. You should start with the theology exam since good theology leads to good counseling.
3. How should the exams be formatted? Please carefully follow the formatting requirements for the exams listed below. Exams will be sent back to you if they are not formatted correctly.
The exams should be in two Word documents: one for the theology exam and one for the counselor’s exam. The exams are open-book essay style. Please include your name on the exams. Revised 3/6/12 417
3
You should use 1.5 spacing (paragraphs should be indented. Do not insert extra lines before and after paragraphs), 12 font, and standard 1 inch margins. Please start each question on a new page so that I can quickly see the length of each of your answers.
The exams should be numbered and the questions written out exactly as they are on the exams. This would include the headings on the theology exam.
Each answer should be 1 to 1 ½ pages per numbered question. The exceptions to this would be the two general questions on the theology exam and question 28 on the counselor’s exam. Please write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee (when applicable), defining all terms clearly and precisely, with scriptural support for your answer. Exams with answers consistently shorter than requested will be returned with an email asking you to review your work. Please start each question on a new page so that I can quickly see the length of each of your answers.
The diagram for question 15 on the counselor’s exam should be email/mailed to the NANC office only if you are unable to insert it into the exam (do NOT send in a zip file). When inserting it into the exam, please place it inside question 15 or immediately after your typed answer.
Footnotes-- You should document the sources used when answering your questions. Formal numbered footnotes are not required. Items that are not documented after a quotation should be noted at the end of the question. You can start your footnote one space after the end of your answer. You should include the author, name of book, and pages used. See example below. Jay Adams, Competent to Counsel, pages 125-135
Exams must be emailed to
[email protected] (do NOT send in a zip file). If you do not have email, you can get it free at many different sites (Gmail, Hotmail, and Google). If you do not have internet access, you can email it from your local library, a friend’s email, or the email of a staff member at your church.
Your exams are graded on a pass, rewrite, or fatal error basis. If you are required to submit a rewrite, your grader will give input to help you deepen your understanding of the topic. He will be available for further discussion, when necessary. You will have three months to submit your rewrites from the date your graded exams are emailed to you.
Exams requiring significant revisions have the potential to postpone the certification process until further study and growth can be demonstrated. This will be at the discretion of the NANC office.
Revised 3/6/12 418
4 4. Can I work on my exams with someone else?
You can study for your exams with someone else. However, each person must do his/her own individual study on the topic, and you must write your answers individually.
The purpose for working together is accountability, encouragement and sharpening. It is not to cut the work load in half.
You can also call the NANC office for help 317-337-9100.
5. What are the other items in the Application Packet?
Please use the Application Checklist to make sure you have completed all required items for the Application Packet. All items are required for every applicant including MABC students and pastors. Items will not be kept longer than six weeks and should not be sent in until the entire packet is complete (including training, observation, reading, and exams). The exams will not be sent to the grader until all components of the Application Packet are completed and received in the NANC office (do NOT send in a zip file). All communication will be done through email, and it is the applicant’s responsibility to keep the NANC office updated on changes in contact information. Application-- Complete every question on the application even if you do not think it applies to you. Be careful to answer all parts of the question. For example on the question on where you received your training we need to know agency where Basic Training Course was completed, date of training, city, state, instructors, and name of the course taken. This is so that we can verify if you received certified training. Digital Photo-- Email as a .jpg or .bmp file. The photo should include only you and be a head shot (this means your upper body) suitable for a PowerPoint presentation. Church Letter-- A letter on church letterhead stating that you are a member in good standing and will be counseling under the authority of that church. If you are between churches, you will need to wait until you are a member. If you are the pastor of the church, we still need the letter signed by another pastor/elder/deacon/secretary. Pastor/Elder Evaluation-- This needs to be a pastor/elder from the church you are currently a member of. If you are the pastor of the church, we still need the evaluation filled out by another pastor/elder/deacon. Colleague Evaluation-- This can be completed by a colleague from work or a colleague in ministry (does not have to be a paid position).
Revised 3/6/12 419
5 Ordination Certificate-- To be considered for Level 2 membership, send a copy/scan/digital photo of your ordination certificate. This category shall include ordained men who have demonstrated competence in biblical counseling and who meet the following requirements: Have and continue to meet all the qualifications for Level 1; Have a theological degree; Hold ordination to the pastoral office by a Christian church.
6. How do I locate a NANC Fellow for supervision?
A list of Fellows currently supervising will be sent to you once you have passed the exams. Write to one at a time via email and include the following points: State your reasons for asking him to be your supervisor. Send him the email stating that your exams passed and that you are cleared for the supervision phase. Supervision done before being cleared by the NANC office will not count toward your 50 hours (the only exception is the 20 hours allowed through certified MABC programs). State when and where you completed your basic training, the type of ministry with which you are currently involved, and the number of counseling cases you typically have per week. Clearly state all of your contact information. Allow at least five days for his answer. If you do not hear from him within five days, you can move onto the next Fellow. There could be a number of reasons that a Fellow does not get back to you soon, including family crisis, vacation, mission trip, and ministry demands. When you talk to a potential supervisor ask how much he charges for supervision and his policies and procedures. NANC policy allows for each supervisor to charge up to five hundred dollars per individual being supervised. Supervised counseling is typically done via email and telephone by using the Case Report Form included in the Application Packet. You do not need to live near a NANC Fellow (Supervisor) in order to complete this phase.
Revised 3/6/12 420
6 7. Can my spouse and I counsel together for supervision?
No, NANC certifies individuals not couples. NANC does see great wisdom in team counseling, but for the purpose of certification, your supervisor must determine that you can bear the entire load of preparing for and conducting the counseling session. For the counseling case you submit for supervision, you should be the only counselor participating in the session.
8. How long do I have to get the required 50 hrs of supervision done?
You have one year from the date that your exams passed. If you will not finish in the one year allowed, you can apply for an extension. Email
[email protected] for the required paperwork and current extension fee rate. Extension paperwork and fees must be received before your one year has expired.
9. How much does it cost to become certified? How much you spend towards the certification process is up to you. Here is a breakdown of potential expenses:
Basic Training Course - varies Application Fee - $75 Observation DVDs - $127 Membership Dues - $90 (annually) Supervision Fee - $500 Books and resources - $85 (minimum)
10. Once I finish my fifty hours of supervised counseling, what’s next?
Once you have completed your Supervised Counseling, your supervisor will notify the NANC office and make a recommendation for membership.
When the NANC office receives this letter, you will be notified by email and sent a current Membership Covenant to sign and return with the current membership dues.
Once the NANC office receives your dues and completed covenant, we will send you your official certificate, and you will be added to the list of members on the NANC website (unless otherwise specified).
You will be publicly recognized as a new NANC Member at the next Annual Conference.
As a NANC member you will receive discounts to NANC events and will be invited to a “Members Only” reception at the Annual Conference. Revised 3/6/12 421
STATEMENT OF FAITH The biblical counselor, by definition, is committed to the Old and New Testaments as the only authoritative rule of faith and practice. Both the faith and conduct of the biblical counselor, as well as his counseling theory and practice, are formed by the standards of Scripture. The following statement of faith contains essential beliefs necessary for certification as a biblical counselor by the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. The National Association of Nouthetic counselors: 1. affirms that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant, authoritative and sufficient Word of God consisting of the sixty-six books of the Old and New Testaments; 2. affirms that there is one God, eternally existent in three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit; 3. affirms the deity of our Lord Jesus Christ, His virgin birth, His sinless life, His miracles, His vicarious and atoning death through His shed blood, His bodily resurrection, His ascension to the right hand of the Father, and His personal return in power and glory; 4. affirms that for the salvation of lost and sinful man, regeneration by the Holy Spirit is absolutely essential; 5. affirms that a person becomes justified by grace through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; 6. affirms the present ministry of the Holy Spirit by whose indwelling the Christian is enabled to live a godly life; 7. affirms the resurrection of both the saved and the lost; they are saved unto the resurrection of life, and they are lost unto the resurrection of damnation; 8. affirms the spiritual unity of believers in our Lord Jesus Christ and His church. The biblical counselor performs his service as part of the ministry of the Christian church, embracing thereby the values of historic Christianity. He upholds and supports the common bond of fellowship, faith, and unity as prescribed in the Scriptures and seeks to establish a relationship between the counselee and a loving God within the framework of the church. Certification by the Association is contingent upon continued good standing in a church subscribing to the doctrines contained in the above statement of faith. A person so certified will always seek the approval, recognition and oversight of his counseling ministry by his church.
422
Sample Schedule to Complete Certification in 1 Year Wk # 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 18 19 50 51 52
Assignment Theology Exam - Bibliology Theology Exam - Theology Proper Theology Exam - Anthropology Catch Up and Editing Theology Exam - Christology Theology Exam - Soteriology Theology Exam - Pneumatology Theology Exam - Ecclesiology & General Question Catch Up and Editing Counselor's Exam - # 1 - 4 Counselor's Exam - # 5 - 8 Counselor's Exam - # 9 - 12 Counselor's Exam - # 13 -16 Catch Up and Editing Counselor's Exam - # 17 - 20 Counselor's Exam - # 21 - 24 Counselor's Exam - # 25 - 28 Catch Up and Editing Submit Completed Exams and Application Packet to NANC NANC Processing (Including Rewrites) NANC Processing (Including Rewrites) NANC Processing (Including Rewrites) Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 2; 3 hr / wk = 3 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 4; 3 hr / wk = 6 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 6; 3 hr / wk = 9 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 8; 3 hr / wk = 12 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 10; 3 hr / wk = 15 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 12; 3 hr / wk = 18 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 14; 3 hr / wk = 21 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 16 3 hr / wk = 24 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 18; 3 hr / wk = 27 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 20; 3 hr / wk = 30 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 22; 3 hr / wk = 33 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 24; 3 hr / wk = 36 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 26; 3 hr / wk = 39 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 28; 3 hr / wk = 42 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 30; 3 hr / wk = 45 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 32; 3 hr / wk = 48 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 34; 3 hr / wk = 50 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 36 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 38 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 40 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 42 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 44 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 46 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 48 Supervised Counseling: 2 hr/ week = 50 NANC Annual Conference Thanksgiving Christmas New Year's HALLELUJAH
423
Application Packet Checklist Please submit your entire packet on the same day you email your exams. All components of the Application Packet must be completed and received in the NANC office before you can continue in the process. Incomplete applications will be held for up to 6 weeks, after which they will have to be resubmitted.
Before beginning the certification process read “Before You Begin” in the Certification Overview
Be sure to read FAQ, taking note of the exam formatting requirements.
Exams and photo must be emailed other items can be email/mail/faxed to the NANC office. If you mail them do not send your only copy in case it gets lost in the mail: Completed application form (typed is preferred)
Application Fee- you can pay online or mail a check made payable to NANC for $75 USD
The Observation Log
If ordained, a copy of your ordination certificate
The Required Reading Log
Email your theology and counselor’s exams to
[email protected]. See FAQ for formatting requirements. In the subject line of the email type “Your Name - Exams”.
Email a digital photo sent as a .jpg or .bmp file. It should include only you and be a head shot suitable for a PowerPoint presentation.
Request the following additional information be sent to the NANC office: A letter on church letterhead from whoever oversees the counseling ministry at your church, stating that you are a member in good standing and will be counseling under the authority of that church.
A completed “Pastor/Elder Evaluation” from a pastor/elder in the church you are a member. You should provide an envelope which is stamped and addressed to the NANC office (They can also fax/email the completed form).
A completed “Colleague Evaluation.” You should provide an envelope which is stamped and addressed to the NANC office (They can also fax/email the completed form).
Please submit your entire packet on the same day you email your exams. All components of the Application Packet must be completed and received in the NANC office before you can continue in the process. Incomplete applications will be held for up to 6 weeks, after which they will have to be resubmitted.
Please send your Application Packet to: NANC 3600 W. 96th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46268
[email protected] (317) 337-9100 424
Rev. 11/11
For Office Use only Ck # ____________ Ck Date ____________ Ck Amount _________
Application for Membership (To be completed electronically and mailed to
[email protected]) Personal: First Name:
Last Name:
Spouse:
Address: City:
St:
Zip:
Home Phone:
Email Address: Position:
Employer: Birthday(m/d/y):
Sex:
Marital Status:
Church: Church You Attend:
Are you a member?
Churches Address: City:
St:
Churches Phone:
Zip:
Churches Website:
Pastor’s Name:
With which denomination or religious group is the church you are a member affiliated (mark one)? Baptist(other) Bible Church(unaffiliated) Bible Presbyterian Church (BPC) Evangelical Free Church of America (EFCA) Fellowship of Independent Reformed General Association of Regular Baptist Evangelicals (FIRE) Churches (GARBC) Harvest Bible Fellowship Independent Baptist, Independent Fundamental Churches of America (IFCA) Non-denominational(unaffiliated) Orthodox Presbyterian Church (OPC) Presbyterian Church of America (PCA) Presbyterian(other) Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) Other (please list):
Are you ordained?
If yes, by whom and when?
Pastoral experience (dates and places): 425
Revised 12/2011
Education: College: Degree
Year
Seminary
Degree
Major Year
Major
Graduate School Degree
Year
Major
Other professional education or training:
Professional agencies or organizations to which you belong:
NANC certified agency where Basic Training Course was completed: NANC Certified Agency: Date:
City:
State:
Instructors: Name of course taken:
What other training events, for biblical counseling, have you attended?
Summarize your approach to counseling:
State your view of lay counseling:
426
Revised 12/2011
Briefly explain your conversion to Christ:
State your reasons for desiring membership in NANC:
Have you ever applied to be a NANC-certified counselor? If yes, when and why was it not completed?
Name of church or agency under whose authority you currently counsel:
Are you involved in sinful conduct or do you have unresolved conflicts, which if known, would cause others to question the appropriateness of your being a NANC Counselor? If yes, please explain.
Have you ever been placed under church discipline? Y/N 427
Revised 12/2011
If yes, what was the outcome?
Are you listed on the Public Sex Offender Registry? If yes please explain.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes/No If yes, complete the following questions: 1. Please describe the nature of the conviction. 2. Date of conviction 3. Is the church or ministry under whose authority you counsel aware of it?
4. Are there protections in place to prevent scandal if and when a question is raised about this?
5. What state or federal guidelines apply to you?
6. Are you complying with all state or federal applicable guidelines?
428
Revised 12/2011
Observation Log (You are required to observe a NANC certified counselor for a minimum of ten hours.) Be sure to provide the information requested below, even if you have watched DVD’s or videos.
Name Address City, State, Zip Daytime Phone
Observation Date
Email
Name of NANC Certified Counselor Observed
Session Running Length Total
Total
429
Revised 1/18/06
Approved Reading List The following books will be helpful to you as you complete your NANC exams. Individuals pursuing NANC Certification are required (as of 12/1/2010) to read 1,000 pages of these resources, 300 pages of which should be out of theology text(s).
Counseling Text
Theology Text
Competent To Counsel by Jay Adams The Christian Counselor’s Manual by Jay Adams Counseling – How to Counsel Biblically by John MacArthur (formerly known as Intro. to Biblical Counseling) Seeing With New Eyes by David Powlison The Peacemaker by Ken Sande Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul Tripp
A Theology of Christian Counseling by Jay Adams Systematic Theology by Louis Berkhof Christian Theology by Millard Erickson Handbook of Evangelical Theology by Robert P Lightner Basic Theology by Charles Ryrie Systematic Theology by A. H. Strong The Moody Handbook of Theology by Paul P. Enns
You can purchase many of these books from the following websites: www.frlafayette.org www.timelesstexts.com
765-448-1986 800-814-1045
Other Useful Resources: The Journal of Biblical Counseling CCEF 1803 East Willow Grove Avenue Glenside, PA 19038 www.ccef.org/jbc_intro.asp
The Journal of Modern Ministry Timeless Texts 8261 Highway 73 Suite B Stanley, NC 28164 www.timelesstexts.com
430
Rev. 12/2011
Required Reading Log
This requirement becomes effective on 12/1/2010 A reading requirement of 1,000 pages from recommended reading list, 300 of which must be from theology text(s)
Name: Email: Name of Book
From recommended reading list
Author
# of Theology Pages
# of Counseling Pages
Total # of pages from theology text ____________ Total # of pages from counseling text _________ Total Pages Read _________
431
NANC Theology Exam Using essay style writing, please respond thoroughly to each of these statements. Write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee, defining all terms clearly and precisely. Use 1.5 spacing. Your answers should be 1 page to 1 ½ pages in length. Support all your answers with Scripture. This is an open book exam. You may use any written or oral sources, but you must cite your sources at the end of each answer. **Read FAQ for complete formatting requirements**
Bibliology 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
The Bible is spoken of as “inspired.” What does this mean? What is the relationship between infallibility and authority? What is the Bible’s authority on theological controversies? Compare and contrast the Bible and its authority to general revelation and its authority. Many Christians today speak of continuing revelation. Relate this concept to inspiration and sufficiency of the Scripture. Relate this concept to the issue of miracles, prophecy and tongues.
Theology Proper 1. State briefly the biblical basis for, and formulate the doctrine of, the Trinity. 2. List and develop five attributes of God and how they relate to the believer’s life and counseling. 3. State briefly the biblical basis for, and formulate the doctrine of, God’s omniscience. Relate this doctrine to the teaching of “open theism.”
Anthropology 1. Who and what is man? 2. What role does anthropology play in counseling theory and practice?
Christology 1. Why did Christ die? 2. He was “tempted in all things as we are” (Heb. 4:15). Discuss and relate to counseling theory and practice.
Soteriology 1. “Justification by faith alone.” Discuss the meaning of this phrase. 2. Sanctification is said to be past, present, and future. Discuss, including the idea of “union with Christ.” 3. Do Christians persevere? What relationship does this have to counseling?
Pneumatology 1. Who or what is the Holy Spirit? 2. What role does this Spirit play in the believer’s life and the counseling process? 3. Does the Holy Spirit guide Christians? If so, what means and methods does He use?
Ecclesiology 1. 2. 3. 4.
What is the church? What role does the church play in the believer’s life and the counseling process? What is the biblical teaching on women being ordained as officers of the church? What authority, if any, does the church have over individuals and the counseling process?
General Questions 1. Are you involved in a larger group, organization, or denomination, which disagrees with NANC’s Statement of Faith? If so, how do you differ from your larger group? Explain what you are doing to influence your group towards NANC’s position. 2. If received as a NANC member, can you unequivocally sign the membership covenant?
432
Rev. 12/10
NANC Counselor’s Exam Using essay style writing, please respond thoroughly to each of these statements. Write your answers as though you are explaining them to a counselee, defining all terms clearly and precisely. Use 1.5 spacing. Your answers should be 1 page to 1 ½ pages in length. Support all your answers with Scripture. This is an open book exam. You may use any written or oral sources, but you must cite your sources at the end of each answer. **Read FAQ for complete formatting requirements**
1. 2. 3. 4.
What are the goals of biblical counseling? Are the Scriptures sufficient for biblical counseling? Explain your position. What are some of the important needs in the first session? Describe how to develop involvement with a counselee. What is the difference between empathy and involvement? Is this difference significant? 5. What is data gathering? Why is it important? 6. Explain the need for homework. Also explain the need for specific, concrete homework in contrast to general, vague homework. 7. Define guilt biblically. Is “false guilt” a biblical concept? How do you deal with guilt in the context of counseling? 8. Write a paragraph or two on the problem of eclecticism in counseling and your position in reference to it. 9. Define the concepts of “presentation level” and “performance level”. Use a case history, in which you were the counselor, to show the necessity for moving from the presentation level to the performance level. 10. Define the concept of “preconditioning level”. Use a case history, in which you were the counselor, to show the necessity for moving from the performance level to the preconditioning level. 11. Define a “complicating problem”. Give a concrete example. 12. Define "halo data" and give some examples of halo data for depression. 13. Define and describe the importance of language in counseling. Give examples. 14. Explain the significance of Eph. 4:17-25, and similar passages for Biblical counseling. 15. Describe and diagram how depression develops and is to be alleviated. 16. Define anger biblically. Describe at least five ways people deal with anger. Describe both sinful and godly ways of dealing with anger. 17. Give some typical assignments for a person who is depressed. Next, do the same for a person who worries. Finally, do the same for a person who is afraid. Don’t discuss what you would do in giving assignments; rather give actual assignments as you would write them down for the counselee. 18. Describe how you deal with sin in counseling. Use a case history, in which you were the counselor, to show how you dealt with sin. 19. Outline a comprehensive counseling program to help a couple develop good communication patterns. 20. Would you work cooperatively with a physician? A psychologist? Justify your answers biblically. 21. Define “total restructuring”. Describe how it works, using a case regarding homosexuality as the model. 22. Develop a biblical view of emotions. Use both the Old and New Testaments in your answer. How can emotions be changed biblically? 23. List several reasons for terminating a counseling case. Answer this for cases terminated because of spiritual change (growth) and spiritual hardening (failure to comply). 24. Is there any place in biblical counseling for casting out demons? In your answer, include your position on demonic activity in the post-apostolic era and the biblical methodology of dealing with it. 25. What does it mean to minister the Scriptures in counseling? Contrast a “ministry of the word” model and a “professional medical” model. 26. Write a short paragraph on each of the following: healing of the memories, visualization techniques, 12step and other recovery programs, self-image. In your answer, define and give a biblical analysis of each concept. (Do not guess. Research these concepts.) 27. With which Christian counselors – if any – do you agree? On which points do you agree with them and why? Be specific and concrete with names and concepts. Use two or three counselors as examples. 28. Does your church presently practice church discipline? If not, would you be willing to graciously encourage them toward this position?
433
Rev. 12/10
Pastor/Elder Evaluation The person requesting you to complete this form is seeking certification as a biblical counselor. Your input regarding his/her character is very important to us. We request your candid comments on the following matters: 1. The applicant’s spiritual maturity.
2. How the applicant responds to criticism/admonition/instruction.
3. The applicant’s willingness to follow church leadership.
4. The applicant’s availability and willingness to serve others.
5. The applicant’s reputation regarding family relationships.
6. Do you approve of the applicant pursuing NANC Certification?
Additional Comments (please use other side if necessary):
Applicant’s Name __________________________________________________________ Date _______________ Your Name ___________________________________________________________________________________ Are you his/her current pastor or current elder? ______________________________ How long?_______________
This is not to be returned to the applicant. Please send this directly to the NANC office by email
[email protected] or regular mail 3600 W. 96th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46268.
434
Rev. 6/2010
Colleague/Co-worker Evaluation The person requesting you to complete this form is seeking certification as a biblical counselor. Your input regarding his/her character is very important to us. We request your candid input on the following matters: 1. The applicant’s spiritual maturity.
2. How the applicant responds to criticism/admonition/instruction.
3. The applicant’s level of dependability.
4. The applicant’s speech, (i.e. does he/she edify others or tear down?)
5. The applicant’s availability and willingness to serve others.
Additional Comments:
Applicant’s Name __________________________________________________________ Date _______________ Your Name ___________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship to Applicant ___________________________________________________How Long?___________
This is not to be returned to the applicant. Please send this directly to the NANC office by email
[email protected] or regular mail 3600 W. 96th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46268.
435
Rev. 7/08
Case Report Form Type your answers to these questions, then email to your supervisor. Be sure to allow sufficient time for your supervisor to review each case before your appointed time to call.
Counselee ____________________ Date ___________________ Session # _____________ Counselor ______________________________________
Session Length ________________
1.
Significant background information.
2.
Summary of reasons they came for counseling (presentation problem).
3.
What changes were made by the counselee since last session (as a result of applying last session’s counsel and performing last session’s homework)?
4.
What main problems were discussed in this session?
5.
What unbiblical habits of thinking and /or behaving are you seeing in the counselee (preconditioning)?
6.
What idols and/or heart issues are emerging? (“I must _____________.”)
7.
What Biblical solutions were presented in this session (tie in with #4)?
8.
What homework was given and how did it specifically apply to the problems (tie in with #4)?
9.
If someone asked the counselee right after the session, “What did you learn that you needed to change,” what would you want him to say?
10.
How was hope or encouragement given in this session?
11.
How is the overall counseling process progressing? What issues have been sufficiently addressed by you and changed by the counselee?
12.
What are your goals for future sessions?
If the session is not moving, review Jay’s 50 Failure factors in the Christian Counselor’s Manual.
436
Revised 1-30-06
Sample Membership Covenant I am in agreement with the Constitution, By-laws, Standards of Conduct, and Policies and Procedures of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (which can be obtained on our website at www.NANC.org) and hereby affirm my commitment to the sufficiency of the Scriptures in counseling as follows: Biblical counselors affirm the value and usefulness of God’s revelation in toto, including both Special and General Revelation. God has chosen to reveal those truths that must be believed and practiced in order to please Him only through Special Revelation, now recorded exclusively and completely in the Scriptures. God reveals Himself and man’s moral accountability to Him through His acts of creation and works of providence. These acts and works (sometimes called General Revelation and Common Grace, respectively) do not and were not intended to provide data necessary for life and godliness. Neither creation nor providence is or ever was self-interpreting. Man’s fall into sin only increases his need for Special Revelation. He now actively misinterprets God’s world, exchanging the truth for a lie and suppressing the truth in unrighteousness. The counselor must build his counseling system, including its presuppositions, principles and methodologies solely from Scripture. His counseling must demonstrate that Scriptural truth, ministered in the power of the Holy Spirit, is sufficient to enable counselees to love God and their neighbors. We deny that secular theories and practices are manifestations of General Revelation or Common Grace. We affirm that they are, in fact, attempts to substitute the “discoveries” of rebellious human thought for the truths revealed in Scripture, and are, therefore, in competition with a proper interpretation of General Revelation and with biblical counseling. They cannot be integrated with the Faith once for all delivered to the saints.
437
438
